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Original poster

My experience of UK men vs European men early stages of a relationship

129 replies

lottieandmia · 13/01/2017 23:14

I'm probably going to annoy some people with this post but it's just my experience and I wonder if anyone else has noticed the same.

The other day I was thinking about the fact that it is British guys usually whi seem to be the masters of dicking women around in the early stages of a relationship. They are the ones who don't know how they feel, say one thing and do another. You feel like you have to pin them down to state their feelings and they're still on Tinder/POF or whatever.

By contrast the European men were very up front about their feelings from the outset (I've found). This does NOT mean they are perfect - I've had a different set if problems with them that's all. But if they like you it's as straight forward as 'I like you, you like me - let's be together'.

For this reason I've had few relationships with UK guys, except my ex husband and even he was the same - messing me about stressing me for about 6 months. Then finally deciding he could say he really wanted to be with me.

I'm sure some people will think I'm unreasonable for a variety of reasons. Yes it's a generalisation just like Brits binge drink etc.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 14/01/2017 00:29

I did not grow up in the UK. I cannot comment on European men but as between Brits and US men, US men date but Brits don't tend to. You just hang out with a Brit until it is understood (though it was not clear to me with dh who is a Brit) that you are an item. A bit like twilight zone.

Duck90 · 14/01/2017 00:34

Horrible people/partners exist in all cultures.

LoupGarou · 14/01/2017 00:35

Aside from DH (of course Grin) the best relationship I ever had was with a Russian army officer whilst living and working in Russia. He was an amazing guy.
In the interest of making sweeping generalisations, the only relationships I've been actively unhappy/felt disrespected in were with a British man and a Swedish man.
More generalisations please for lighthearted Friday 13th reading Grin

user1477282676 · 14/01/2017 00:41

I have only been out with British men during my late teens and early twenties. I shifted to non-Brits and also found them to be much nicer.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/01/2017 00:54

From conversations with my daughters it appears to be that the early stages of a relationship with a British lad involves a lot of texting, messaging and snap chatting. All of which he is possibly/probably doing with a couple of other girls as well to keep his options open. There are many convoluted rules about how quickly and frequently you should respond to the aforementioned messages, in order to convey the appropriate degree of interest.

To be honest it all sounds pretty tedious to me and I'm not surprised my girls frequently just can't be arsed.

BadLad · 14/01/2017 01:00

I have only been out with British men during my late teens and early twenties. I shifted to non-Brits and also found them to be much nicer.

Same here, except women, rather than men. I don't draw any conclusions from that, though, although I wouldn't date a British woman again in case she turned out to be a supermarket-pyjama-wearer.

KC225 · 14/01/2017 01:37

I have had more success dipping my toe in international waters an ended up married to a Swedish guy. It wasn't a particular choice - just seemed to end up that way. Not really been out with many British men but majority of my friends are with great British guys.

My worst heartbreak treatment ever was from a 34 year Australian but wouldn't judge all antipodeans by that deluded knobhead.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 14/01/2017 05:23

'it appears to be that the early stages of a relationship with a British lad involves a lot of texting, messaging and snap chatting. All of which he is possibly/probably doing with a couple of other girls as well to keep his options open.'

This ^^ this is what I think as well. It's not just younger men either. I feel very concerned for my daughter's when they start dating.

OP posts:
Anna275 · 14/01/2017 05:24

blueshoes I have to agree with you on the US vs UK men as someone who grew up in the US but whose DH is British. I would say I've felt "dicked around" (as OP mentioned) in a malicious way. More that it was less clear what was actually going on. My experience with British men has been that there are a lot of group get togethers instead of one on dates so I could never tell if I was being invited out as a friend or because someone was interested. There was once this Scottish guy who was texting me incessantly, even sending me good morning messages every single day. After several weeks it started to get tedious so I finally asked if he'd like to go for coffee. He suddenly got very awkward about things "moving fast". Needless to say I didn't waste anymore time on him.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 14/01/2017 05:25

The other thing I really hate is the way men here seem to feel they are 'entitled' to nude photos as a kind of introduction to who you are. Whether this is a U.K. Thing I don't know.

OP posts:
Valentine2 · 14/01/2017 05:58

I am probably going to get a bit of flaming of this but I agree with you OP. I have the same experience as you I think.
"'it appears to be that the early stages of a relationship with a British lad involves a lot of texting, messaging and snap chatting. All of which he is possibly/probably doing with a couple of other girls as well to keep his options open."

This is quite like my experience too.

Valentine2 · 14/01/2017 05:59

Sorry x posted.
No op I don't think nude photos are a thing here. You might have come across some prized dicks I think.

Penhacked · 14/01/2017 06:06

I think extrapolating your tiny data sample of a couple of men from other parts of Europe into a general fact wrong and an inducator of either your age or lack of world experience outside your own house country.

However, snap chat etc are not as big yet in all mainland Europe. I know what it is but have no idea about the culture in dating, so there may well be a sad truth there.

PollyPelargonium52 · 14/01/2017 06:39

I totally agree with you op. British men are rubbish at paying you attention and giving you compliments etc. They are too aloof. For the first six months of the dating and getting to know you stage they really do act up. I used to be tolerant of this but now I am not since single parent I have no tolerance for bad behaviour like this!

I have dated foreign men in the past and although it brings its own complications (I have lived with three foreign men over the years prior to ds being born) they are so much more attentive, without being overly cloying that is. They are up front with compliments, gifts, paying you attention and keeping you in the loop.

Where I now live everybody is English and it is such a strain. Foreign men have much more vibrance and oomph and are more animated and interesting to talk to/get to know.

Having said that though when you start living with a foreign guy you slowly realise they generally have an issue with living in the UK. That too can be a strain. It is as if our culture isn't good enough. I have lived with a Turkish guy, an Albanian and a Jamaican guy and they were all like this!

I need a travelled English guy from London once ds has flown the nest. I am in my fifties and can't cope with their silly ways until ds leaves home. I haven't the patience or tolerance with having ds at this age and no family support and a rubbish ex.

I am hoping a well travelled guy from London who has done lots of travel and branched out plenty in life will more than compensate for the not being foreign. Let's hope so anyway. I am still a bit ambivalent about it all though. It is a concern! I don't wish to remain single forever that said I would never live with a man again as I much prefer my independence so I am hoping once ds leaves the nest (I will be 59 then but I look ten years younger so I will look c 49 luckily and I look after my health etc) I will feel more tolerant again right now I just feel far too stretched to so much as even bother. One fine day!

ClaryIsTheBest · 14/01/2017 06:39

I am from a European country and DH is English.

imo British people are very friendly and jovial.

And anyhow, you can't compare the UK to 'the rest' of Europe.

That makes as much sense as an American compRing America to'the rest' of the world!

ClaryIsTheBest · 14/01/2017 06:41

Amd DH certainly wasn't cold, aloof or uninterested during the first 6 months.

Of course not. I wouldn't be interested in a cold or aloof guy...

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/01/2017 06:49

I haven't dated any european men, so I have no data to add to the pile. But I would point out that you may not be comparing apples with apples here. I think if you look at a population and then look at the subset of that population that would happily date outsiders, you would find that there are some distinct variations on average.

For instance, it may be that, when dating across cultures, people in general are more up front and clear about what they want/think, because they are very aware of the problems of cross cultural communication. Whereas all the European men who date people from their own cultures dick them around just as much as you have found British men to.

brightnearly · 14/01/2017 07:24

I wouldn't pin this problem on the country of origin. If you don't like dithering, steer clear of ditherers and shift your focus.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 14/01/2017 07:29

Its not geography, its arseholes vs decent.
Stop dating arseholes that dick you about, that stay on Tinder, don't tell you what they want etc.
Date only decent men that won't be looking for something better or just using for sex etc.

Fuckwit men, and women, only exist because others allow them to exist. Every dickhead bloke, or woman, should be sat alone until they realise they're dickheads. Unfortunately some of them find people that will do all the work and will stroke their dickheads and make the dickheads feel important. Etc.
I don't know why dickhead enablers do it, but they do.

Toadinthehole · 14/01/2017 07:37

There are arseholes everywhere. However, my experience is that it is very impolite in British culture to be direct and put a person on the spot. This allows more scope to be dicked around.

DW is from SA, and I always knew where I stood with her right from the start. All her SA family and friends are the same.

Mindtrope · 14/01/2017 07:55

I've never found this with British men.

But then I have never dated arseholes.

I expect to be treated with respect and dignity in relationships and that's how treat my men too.

I also don't fall in love easily, it takes me a while, I am circumspect, and often tend to be the cooler one in the early days.
As a consequence I have found all my partners over the years have been the ones to be energetic in their pursuit efforts in the early days.
( which suits me fineWink)

BravoPanda · 14/01/2017 07:56

Have always found British men to always be way more upfront that anyone else. Maybe you're just picking muppets Hmm? Or maybe you just don't know how to read them shrug

WaitrosePigeon · 14/01/2017 07:57

You've made yourself look an absolute tit.

I'd name change and move on Blush

BrondeBombshell · 14/01/2017 08:01

I think it's an interesting question. I'm have lived in Spain, Ireland and the UK too. The worst I was ever treated was by an English man - because I accepted that. I could elaborate but it's all my own experiences. The one I regret most was Spanish. Shudder. But he was the keenest at the beginning. English/Irish are very slow and steady at the beginning. Spansh men can stifle you. It wouldn't put me off dating another Spanish man. I'd just take more control of the pace.

Mindtrope · 14/01/2017 08:01

You feel like you have to pin them down to state their feelings and they're still on Tinder/POF or whatever.

OP I'm sorry but this sounds desperate.

I think you need to learn to love and respect yourself a little more before you find men will do the same.