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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want evenings to be adult time?

119 replies

CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 13/01/2017 17:55

I already know that's I'm being unreasonable. But rahhhh!

My eldest is 10 and goes to bed at 9 on a week day and 9.30 on the weekend.
I'm utterly shattered from work and often go to bed at the same time.

In the evening he's leaping around the living room 'bored' or watching the same programme as me (which obviously has to be 10 year old friendly which is another issue!) talking constantly through it.

I'm sick of asking him to be quiet or sit down.
So I give up and go to my bedroom and watch Netflix or NowTv on my phone.

He can't go and play computer etc in his room because he shares with his little brother who is asleep by 7pm and we don't have a dining room with a sofa or conservatory or anything like that.

I just suggested to DH that he could go into our room at 8pm to have some adult time. And he said sarcastically 'it's almost as though we have a family'. So clearly he doesn't like the idea.

What do other people do?
Just accept it and never watch anything adult? And I don't mean porn! Just murder mysteries or stuff that swears etc.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 13/01/2017 19:34

FreddieMercury, my kids often went to bed later than me when they were teenagers and I am still married. There is 20 years between eldest and youngest so I spent most of my adult life with kids in the house,the room even the bed and the grandchildren were around while the youngest were still at school. I did manage to hang on to my marriage.

No sex? Yes right, that's why I had 4 kids, all miraculous conceptions.

Soubriquet · 13/01/2017 19:37

I don't think yabu

But realistically if he has no where else to go, he isn't going to go anywhere.

Your bedroom is an option if it had a tv and DVD player but I wouldn't force him to stay there either

I'd encourage them to go and watch what they want but not make them

In the mean time I would watch what I wanted on TV providing it wasn't too old like the walking dead. That will give him the incentive to bugger off upstairs

It's what my parents did.

Me and my sister had free range tv until 6 then it was my dad's turn.

If you didn't like it you went upstairs and watched tv there

FruitCider · 13/01/2017 19:38

May I let you in, on a secret, the world is not full of replicas of you

No but most adult humans need 7-9 hours sleep, according to research completed by the sleep foundation. So it's not unreasonable to expect that the OP can have a later bed time, unless she is getting up between 4 and 6? To be honest having a 4 year old I see 7 hours as "very good", I get much less than that most nights and I survive! A 9pm bed time is a child's bed time, unless you get up before the birds do...

Allthewaves · 13/01/2017 19:38

My eldest is and his younger brothers are in bed 7.30 and 8. I have half an hour with eldest, it's nice tbh we read together or we watch documentary (weird child loves monkey life). Then he goes to bed 8.30 and reads until 9 - he has a small lamp on his top bunk that he uses to read

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 19:39

Bring his bedtime half an hour earlier and get him a reading light to read for a bit or some headphones for music. And go to bed a little later yourself.
I don't watch tv in the evenings but will watch something on the Ipad when I go to bed.

PatsysPyjamas · 13/01/2017 19:39

I have a 10yo and a 7yo and they go up at same time. 7yo is usually asleep by 8.30 and the 10yo not until 9 or later. Granted they are not in the same room but could your 10yo have their own bedside lamp to read quietly? I do feel your pain. I go to bed at 10 during the week,so only really sit down 9-10pm once the kids are settled. I have usually finished stories etc by 8.30 but if its much later I hit a wall and start thinking shut up and go to sleep.

missyB1 · 13/01/2017 19:39

His bedtime is a bit late isn't it? I would make it 8.30 on a school night and 9 on a weekend. The other thing is why is he leaping around annoying you when you are trying to watch something? He needs to find something to do if he's bored!

Brighteyes27 · 13/01/2017 19:40

YANBU - bring his bedtime forward 10 mins a night to 8.15-8.30 and encourage him to do some thing quiet reading drawing or something half an hour before this time. He should also be encouraged to read in his room when he goes to bed or do some quiet activity for 20/30 mins. Then watch tv with your DH. On a weekend 8.45/9. If your DH has more energy than you he can do the last 30 minutes which is usually the most exhausting.

NancyDonahue · 13/01/2017 19:45

Dd9 goes up at 9 and we get our hour of TV then. At weekends she often wanders off to play in her room so we stick the TV on then. It's about taking the opportunity when you can really.

We record family friendly TV shows such as Modern Family, The Middle, The Goldbergs, Planet Earth type documentaries etc and watch those together in the evenings.

jazzandh · 13/01/2017 19:48

8.30pm up to bed and reading on a kindle etc for until it is time to settle down.

My DS often goes to my room and watches TV as well earlier in the evening....I've no problem with that either.....

Whatever works for all of you - may be different things on different nights!

NotMeNoNo · 13/01/2017 20:02

I feel your pain on this as I struggle to unwind without a bit of clear time alone after bedtime.

Could you pull half an hour back both ways- get DS in bed at 9 (to read if he wants) and then put yourself to bed at 10. If you were properly relaxed would you still need such an early bedtime?

yikesanotherbooboo · 13/01/2017 20:13

I like my evenings and have to get up early. We tend to think of time before 9 to be family friendly.and save things to watch that will suit all. I don't think jumping around is alright... is he overtired?my children went to bed earlier at your son's age but they get up early so that was part of it. After 9 television is more adult and chosen depending on who is around as a collective.... not always fully successful but o have never liked the idea/ allowed to watching in other rooms. It is a communal pastime here. Obvs older teens are wedded to social media at the same time but they don't look at screens in their rooms apart from late teens( 15 + ) doing homework or a bit of 'killing/ shouting... but even that isn't immediately before bed it would be in early evening. If there is something that I like to watch and doesn't get the family thumbs up for whatever reason I sky+ it and watch on my own... the children grow up v quickly and I am currently in front of TVs on my own with 2 having fledged and 1 chatting to friends on his computer. He'll appear to eat and watch for 30 mins or so before bed at 9/9.30 ( early start tomorrow) . I miss the three of them being around all the time... quarrels and all

Artandco · 13/01/2017 20:20

I don't understand the concept of shutting children out. Why can't you cuddle and chat to Dh whilst children are in the room?

Mine are 5 and 6 years, bedtime is 9pm school nights, no bedtime weekends and holidays but they often go similar times. They play, read, or draw together or alone. We play board games yes, nothing bizarre about that. We also don't have hours and hours free. 7-8pm is dinner time here so we are eating and chatting at table, then all clear up, then it's only a short time until they need to get ready for bed school nights. By the time we all prep dinner, have bath, glass wine, etc it's late.
We don't have a tv so no issues with what's suitable, but surely you don't watch tv all evening, every evening? If he's in bed by 9.30pm, you could watch something an hour after if it's not suitable. Something like waking dead is hour or less long

Charley50 · 13/01/2017 20:27

The Last Drop - that's so funny. A Pp painted an idyllic picture of sunrises over forests, dramatic Northern lights and just general natural beauty. And you said you were jealous......... Of her coffee maker in the bedroom!

SEsofty · 13/01/2017 20:31

If you are that exhausted, you could try going to bed for an hour after dinner eg 7.30 to 8.30 then get up for the evening

TalkinPeace · 13/01/2017 20:57

Dear Freddiemercury
Am confuddled
DH and I were together for many years before kids
our kids are now 16 and 18
and we love the freedom of having them independent again

Philoslothy · 13/01/2017 21:09

It is only a short time that they want to sit with you. Our older teenagers are not that interested in sitting with us - we have to make them.

We have five/six/seven at home depending on the time of year. Often at least one will have a friend over so we usually have a house full of children/teenagers. We do the getting up early to work read the papers and have a proper breakfast together. We also spend a lot of time in he garden late into the evening on our own

lionsleepstonight · 13/01/2017 21:19

The jumping around would annoy be, agree with other p.p, have a tv in your bed room, and when he starts messing about I'd ask him to clear off into that room. Sounds like your happy with the late bed time for him, so I think you need to have a slightly later bed time so you have time to enjoy the tv that is unsuitable for your dc after 9pm. I think you Abu if you want it all, e.g. adult time early evening so you can go to bed at 9.30pm. Poor lad, I do feel a bit sorry for him, it's not his fault you have the same bedtime.

picklemepopcorn · 13/01/2017 21:24

8pm was adult time in our house. Any child needing to stay up later than this found life very boring- we turn off the tv and sit reading silently. They tended to prefer their bedroom with audio CDs or books. I'm like you, struggling to stay up past 9. For us to have any adult time to talk about our day, discuss any problems, we needed the children to go to bed. Your room sounds like a plan to me, but with books and audiobooks rather than screens, if you can a mange it.

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