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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want evenings to be adult time?

119 replies

CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 13/01/2017 17:55

I already know that's I'm being unreasonable. But rahhhh!

My eldest is 10 and goes to bed at 9 on a week day and 9.30 on the weekend.
I'm utterly shattered from work and often go to bed at the same time.

In the evening he's leaping around the living room 'bored' or watching the same programme as me (which obviously has to be 10 year old friendly which is another issue!) talking constantly through it.

I'm sick of asking him to be quiet or sit down.
So I give up and go to my bedroom and watch Netflix or NowTv on my phone.

He can't go and play computer etc in his room because he shares with his little brother who is asleep by 7pm and we don't have a dining room with a sofa or conservatory or anything like that.

I just suggested to DH that he could go into our room at 8pm to have some adult time. And he said sarcastically 'it's almost as though we have a family'. So clearly he doesn't like the idea.

What do other people do?
Just accept it and never watch anything adult? And I don't mean porn! Just murder mysteries or stuff that swears etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 13/01/2017 18:26

LBOCS2 I think you might be right actually. Im asleep by 10pm but admit I play on my phone for a bit before then.

OP posts:
TheLastDrop · 13/01/2017 18:27

My "adult time" is a 4am. I always wake up at this time, always have. We have a balcony off our bedroom, so I make a coffee (coffee machine in bedroom for this purpose grin) wrap up warm and go an sit outside and watch the stars, the northern lights and/or the sun rise, depending on the time of year, over the forest. That is my adult time and I always feel unreasonably resentful if I have to start my day any other way grin.

That sounds amazing. I get up at 6am to have my coffee in peace as DS is always awake by 6.30am, have always wanted a coffee maker in my bedroom Envy

OP I get where you're coming from. My DS is 8 now and I can feel my child free evenings slipping away. It's all very well saying 'well that's family life' but I am an introvert and have people talking at me all day long, I need that hour or 2 in the evening in much the same way most people need oxygen. I do insist on earlier bedtime on weekdays however, around 8-8.30pm and he can read for half an hour if he wants. Your actual problem really is lack of a third bedroom/different bedtimes, short of moving/extending I'm not sure what to suggest.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/01/2017 18:27

I miss chilling on the sofa with my husand, warm and snuggle in the evening.

I get it, but it's just another phase of parenting. In a year or so he won't want to be in the same room as you so just adapt your tv viewing in the meantime tell him to pipe down during the good bits.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 13/01/2017 18:27

YANBU!

My two are normally in bed for 7 but have been ill this week so sleeping during = late bed times.

I'm done in and fantasising about running away.

witsender · 13/01/2017 18:28

Why can't you snuggle with him there?

LBOCS2 · 13/01/2017 18:29

I think it's difficult at this age too. They're not old enough to watch the good tv (Walking Dead being an excellent example) but too old to pack off to bed before the watershed. Once they're in their teen years it doesn't matter so much - you can have a snuggle on the sofa and watch what you want and it doesn't matter if they're there, either engaged or not - because you're unlikely to mentally scar them or give them nightmares!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/01/2017 18:31

I'm with you op, I needed adult time with DH.

I just always thought in the longer term "difficult right now, this stage will pass".

No practical advice, but you're not alone.

BobbieDog · 13/01/2017 18:32

My dd who is 4 is like this. Doesnt sleep until gone 10.30pm! Bedtime is 7pm for her and she has her ipad as evenings are my time so there is no way shes staying downstairs until gone 10pm!

If she doesnt have the ipad with her then shes shouting down the stairs alot because shes bored and not tired.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 13/01/2017 18:33

OP, if he's had his messing about time and won't settle down to something quiet and sensibly, I'd send him to his room to hopefully calm down.

Lou that sounds fantastic. are you in the UK? You could get one of those outdoor heaters if it's too cold.

Original poster
CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 13/01/2017 18:37

Thank you for those who say I'm not alone! I appreciate it.

We were 'exiled' from the living room as kids. All the way into the dining room, but it had a sofa and a TV.

My husband was part of a family who all had evenings together.
So I guess opinions depend on lots of factors.

I do LOVE the balcony idea, but even in this weather? I'm so not hardcore enough for that.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 18:37

OP I don't think YANBU at all

here's the thing - at 40 I still remember my parents having the same problem! As well as early starts for work, my mum had the same raging insomnia problem I had so often needed early bed. (Then when I was a teen we started bumping into each other at 2am unable to sleep!!)

So I remember them telling me very kindly that they needed a bit of time and could I please read in my room and just generally get settled for bed.

I don't know what's wrong with that. There are some people who think if you aren't spending every available second with your kids you are a bad person. I don't know where that idea comes from. The quality of the time is key. If you are resentfully wishing you had some wind down time, it's not quality time is it.

GizmoFrisby · 13/01/2017 18:37

I think YABU. It's not his fault he hasn't got his own room. If he did he would probably be happy to watch to in there or play lego etc like little boys do. It's also not his fault your tired.

I would suggest a tablet/portable DVD player he could watch quietly in his room and send him to bed a little earlier. You probably need a bigger house in reality. Is that an option?

Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 18:38

oh cross post
so you were raised that way too
I can't see the problem
I am an introvert though so I'd have spent a certain amount of brain energy trying to block out the rest of the family anyway. And if you've been in a workplace with people jabbering all day it's not U to need a bit of downtime.

Jojobythesea · 13/01/2017 18:39

Mine share a room too. 2 DS age 8 & 11. Youngest goes to bed at 8 in the week and half past weekends. Eldest goes to bed a nine in the week and at the weekend goes at nine and has a head light to read his book or he messes on his iPad for 45 minutes. Works fine..... and I totally get where your coming from. Grin

Ilovetorrentialrain · 13/01/2017 18:40

OP re this I miss chilling on the sofa with my husand, warm and snuggle in the evening why can't you do that while your son is up?

Agree with a PP (as I see you did too), your bedtime is quite unusually early hence the clash.

My son's bedtime is 9.30 but he's 13. At 10 it was 8pm. I wonder if you could bring his bedtime earlier (otherwise where do you go from there as he hits early teens/secondary school?) and perhaps try pushing your bedtime to 10 /10.30? Just ideas.

FV45 · 13/01/2017 18:41

This is why I stay up really late! My 17 yo is no trouble at all, but I just crave some ME time.

dowhatnow · 13/01/2017 18:42

Mine had to go up at 8pm at that age but could do whatever till 9pm. It was horrible when I had to relax that rule as they got older. I think that was when we built our extension.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 13/01/2017 18:48

OP sorry just seen this is because of what you want to watch on TV, rather than the idea your ten your old is still around at that time? Can you do something other than watch TV until he is in bed? Still on the sofa but chatting or crosswords, plan a holiday, etc.

If it's all just about TV content then that's a shame.

Mintychoc1 · 13/01/2017 18:48

Our household is up at 6am - the kids wake naturally at that time and I have to get up for work anyway.
I am a single parent with 2 DCs, ages 7 and 11. They are both asleep by 8pm.

People often tell me that that is too early, especially for my 11 year old. But he is tired by then, and I really need some time on my own. I often have to work at the computer in the evenings, and I can't relax and concentrate until the kids are asleep.

So I get what you mean about needing an evening.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 13/01/2017 18:48

Sorry, just realised he can't go in his room, has anyone else suggested him going to your room until his bed time.

Fuxfurforall · 13/01/2017 18:49

It's a late bedtime for a 10 year old - which is why TV has the watershed at 9pm and is unsuitable for kids that age.

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/01/2017 18:49

Just a thought, why not do alternative nights? Every other night 10 YO gets use of your room for 7:30 - 9 week nights and you get your "cuddle" time and a choice of whatever you want to watch? He respects your time as you do his...compromise :)

Original poster
CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 13/01/2017 18:50

"It was horrible when I had to relax that rule as they got older. I think that was when we built our extension."

I love this!! The dining room that my brothers and I were exiled to was also an extension!

OP posts:
Original poster
CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 13/01/2017 18:53

Butteredtoast are you pulling my leg? 😉 I suggested that. That's what the whole thread is about.

The thing is, people are giving so many suggestions (to the normal ones, thank you!) but actually him going to our room for an hour before bedtime IS a good solution.

I mean, how different is it from others sending their kids to bed at 8pm but lights out at 9pm?

None. It would just mean my son has a light on. I don't like the idea of him awake in the dark and I know without a doubt he would crap himself.

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 13/01/2017 18:53

I'm not likening all the advice to send him to his bedroom to watch something on his tablet, noon eshoudl be looking at small screens just before going to sleep especially not a 9 year old.

Op unfortunately it's just part of being a parent. If I were you id stay up for an hour every night with DH and watch something then.

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