Dp is alcoholic?

[dalmatianmad]

Hi guys, fully prepared to be flamed here.

Been with DP for 5 years, I have 2 teenagers from my previous marriage.
He has 2 younger dc, sees them weekly and financially supports them. We're mostly happy, both work full time. Both have stressful jobs. Barely have sex, it's been months.

Really concerned about the amount dp drinks, even though in all fairness it doesn't seem to have too much impact.
He drinks approx 8 cans of strong lager every night, sometimes more.....
I go to bed at 10ish and he often falls asleep on sofa and comes to bed at 5/6am depending on whether he's at work the next day. If he's at work at 7am then he'll still drink the same amount but come to bed earlier, gets up and drives which worries me massively as I know he'll be over the limit. He barely goes out, when he does its football related and he can be out all day drinking, from morning to late at night. But this is rare. He works nights, comes in at 7am and drinks before going to bed.
If we have a day off together at the weekend, he'll suggest going somewhere with dc but it'll be pub related under the disguise of a family meal.

I don't really drink, my dm is an alcoholic as was my dgm, so I made a very conscious decision to not drink.
I worry about his health, hate that we barely do anything as a couple or a family. He must spend loads, I work my arse off and have to do overtime every month so we can have nice things. He pays the rent and pays towards the bills, the rest of his cash gets pissed up the wall.

Have tried talking to him, he denies there's an issue, he takes the dogs for a walk and puts a couple of cans in his coat pocket so he can drink whilst he walks the dogs.

Not sure I want to go on like this! I do love him but I don't want to live with a drinker, put up with this for years as a kid.....

Leave him. He's in denial and he won't change. You said yourself you don't want to live with an alcoholic after growing up with it. You have no children together and you're not married, so it will be relatively easy to split. Cut your losses.

(Why did you say that you expect to be flamed? What is there to flame you for?! I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to be with an alcoholic.)

I'm afraid you've found yourself with another alki. It's up to you what you want to do with that info. I'd seriously consider leaving.

There is an issue. But since he won't talk about it then i think you will have to leave.

It's become normalised in his eyes, but it's not normal to structure your life around alcohol.

How often does he go a day without drinking at all?

I am in the process of separating from my husband because of similar issues. We have two children age 7 and 5 and I refuse to continue to live with someone who puts drink before us. We separated once before for 6 months about 2 years ago and when he returned to live with us he promised things would be different- it didn't last. He goes to the pub straight after work for a few, back there again late at night when he walks the dog, drinks cans in the house, often passes out on the sofa rather than coming to bed. Weekends spent in bed until the middle of the afternoon- it's no life.

Oh dear op that sounds like a serious Robles. Who would put cans in a pocket to walk the dog.

You can't change him. Cut your loses and move on.

Thankyou for your response! It's my house so that wouldn't be an issue.
I feel gutted it's come to this, looking back he always been a big drinker, only the latest few months it's bothered me.
I'm just looking at npoming a family holiday, it'll be me that pays for it, same as the last 4 years, he's always too skint, doesn't understand do where his money goes

He's not a bad person, he doesn't get aggressive when he's drunk, he's always loving and gentle. He was treated for bad depression last year, had counselling, not sure he ever told the counsellor about the drinking, I suspect not.....

Maybe I just need to talk to him again and let him know how much it bothers me?
I can't tell him to stop, he's a grown man!

Hmmm, you're starting to make excuses for him. Of course he's not a bad person but he is an alcoholic in denial. Your choice about whether you want to be with him. I know what I'd choose.

Why did his previous relationship end?

You cant make him stop, no, but you can set the boundaries of what behaviour you are willing to put up within the relationship. And it would be completely reasonable for that boundary to be occasional light drinking only.

Please leave. My husband is so similar. We have been together 40 years and he has been an alcoholic since we met at university. I wish I had left years ago. Unless your partner is able to accept that he has a problem then his drinking will only get worse. My husband is not an aggressive drunk and a lovely man. Neither myself nor my adult children drink alcohol. He spends £400.00 + on alcohol each month and looks dreadful.

Porpoise he doesn't go a single day without having a drink, even comes in at 7am and drinks after a night shift. It makes me feel sick to see him sat at the kitchen table at that time of the morning.
I also work nights, have never done that before!
Who does walk the dogs and take a drink?? No one I know, it's bloody ridiculous!

When I was little my dm used to go sainsbos with a cup of gin in her pocket, it's like the same scenario all over again!!

You might not want to tell him to stop, but he should.

I don't think you necessarily need to leave him (my partner was an alcoholic, drinking in much the same way as yours for years until he had a breakdown, drank like a 'classic' alcoholic for about two years and then sorted himself out about six years ago) but you do need to have an open, honest conversation.

If you love him and want to stay together, at least have that first conversation about it. Especially if the depression might be part of the picture.

If you don't love him anymore then it's much easier really. Explain that you can't be ruled by someone else's addiction anymore and that if he wants to continue drinking then that's fine but it won't affect you anymore.

I think you're entitled to give him an ultimatum: either he cuts down massively and gets help, or you walk. He's putting his need for a drink before your family, and indeed before his own safety and that of other people on the roads. He will destroy his health if he goes on like this - in fact I'd be prepared to bet his liver is already shot.

But be prepared to walk if he's still in denial. This can't be any sort of life for you.

Addicts are (in my experience) all selfish and it filters into the rest of there lives.

I can only sympathise one of my closest friends is an alcoholic, I can't imagine living like that.

I've had to reduce contact as due to the alcoholism and other issues (slightly different as she isn't at all "functioning) I'm expecting a call at some point telling me she's dead.

I can only imagine how hard it must be.

His previous marriage ended because she had an affair and ongoing DV, towards him.
I've know him for about 15 years, we work at the same Hospital.

We both work with alcoholics as part of our job, he does not see that he is one, we obviously see them when they are poorly and at their worse, I assume that's why he doesn't liken himself to one??

I bet he knows.

Why have you prioritised your relationship with an alcoholic over your DC? The best thing for them would surely not to be exposed to this or suffer financially.

I'm fully prepared to walk if needed Mega, I can't live like this anymore.

Was trying to hold it together because my dc were devastated when I left their dad, we had nothing, I had to go and live with my parents for 6 months, in literally the clothes we were wearing.i didn't want to put them through all that stress and upset again. Although now we are much better off and they are older, house in my name etc.

I thought everyone was gonna flame me!
Thanks all for being so supportive

This is why I love MN.

OP, I could have written the majority of your post a few years ago. I was in a very similar situation with mother and grandmother who were alcoholics and a partner who drank too much. He always said it wasn't an issue, not the same as my mum and my granny. We would talk, he'd cut down for a bit then it would all start again.

I left him. He stopped drinking and hasn't drank since. We are married 5 years with a DD.

It is possible to change, it depends on the person. I never told him we would get back together if he stopped. As far as we were both concerned it was over for good but it gave him the shock he needed to sort himself out.

Other people can't do it - neither my mum nor my granny did. Granny died from cirhossis, mum put herself in hospital last year and is now housebound. She has stopped now but only because she can't physically get any drink.

I think you need to leave and accept that it's over. He may stop drinking but he may not.

Much love, it's horrible to deal with.

Excuse me Surrey? I have never prioritised my relationship over my dc, everything I do is for them!

My dp is not a bad person, he does most of the house work, shopping etc.
He's not aggressive and doesnt put them at risk in any way??

He works with alcoholics and doesn't see that he's on the same path?! That's a serious case of denial which, as you know, can be a symptom of addiction. This must be so difficult for you both so sending these to you I agree with other posters, you need to find a way of having an honest chat and even if he won't open up you need to be honest about what you want to happen, set a timescale (assuming you don't want to wait forever) for him to act, let him know what the consequence will be if he doesn't act and stick to it.

What do you want to happen? If he does get help will it affect his job? Can you stay with a recovering alcoholic knowing he could relapse?

You say
in all fairness it doesn't seem to have too much impact Are you really sure about that?

because you also say

he often falls asleep on sofa and comes to bed at 5/6am and
Barely have sex
He barely goes out
we barely do anything as a couple or a family or he'll suggest going somewhere with dc but it'll be pub related
I worry about his health
he must spend loads and his cash gets pissed up the wall
I work my arse off and have to do overtime every month

No impact? What about

On your relationship as a couple?
On your family time?
On your finances?
On his health?
On your quality of life?

What effect on your lives would you count as an impact then?

Thanks emmab, sounds so familiar!

I think deep down he knows there's an issue, he went to the local shop for something random last night and came back with extra drink saying "they were a bargain, selling these cans off at 50p each because the box was broke" I didn't even answer him
I feel for his dc, they don't have much stability with their mum, i always try and make them feel welcome and go out my way to take them out and treat them etc. But hey that's not my problem! I need to think know of me and my dc from now on.
Thanks all!

I was in a similar position to you, with a daughter of 3 years old. Husband in denial of the amount he was drinking. For me, in the end, it wasn't so much the drinking as all the lies that went with it (massive financial issues which he hid, loss of his job likewise). After finding out I asked myself the question 'can I spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and never knowing if he's telling the truth?' - you can guess the answer. Parents helped us and once daughter went to school I got a job, rented a house and met a wonderful man who has brought up daughter as his own. I have two friends who had similar issues to me and stayed with their partners. Neither have been in a good situation and it impacted massively on both their children. Ultimately it is for you to decide, but it's great that you've posted on here for support. All the very best to you, whatever you decide.