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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dp is alcoholic?

99 replies

dalmatianmad · 13/01/2017 12:09

Hi guys, fully prepared to be flamed here.

Been with DP for 5 years, I have 2 teenagers from my previous marriage.
He has 2 younger dc, sees them weekly and financially supports them. We're mostly happy, both work full time. Both have stressful jobs. Barely have sex, it's been months.

Really concerned about the amount dp drinks, even though in all fairness it doesn't seem to have too much impact.
He drinks approx 8 cans of strong lager every night, sometimes more.....
I go to bed at 10ish and he often falls asleep on sofa and comes to bed at 5/6am depending on whether he's at work the next day. If he's at work at 7am then he'll still drink the same amount but come to bed earlier, gets up and drives which worries me massively as I know he'll be over the limit. He barely goes out, when he does its football related and he can be out all day drinking, from morning to late at night. But this is rare. He works nights, comes in at 7am and drinks before going to bed.
If we have a day off together at the weekend, he'll suggest going somewhere with dc but it'll be pub related under the disguise of a family meal.

I don't really drink, my dm is an alcoholic as was my dgm, so I made a very conscious decision to not drink.
I worry about his health, hate that we barely do anything as a couple or a family. He must spend loads, I work my arse off and have to do overtime every month so we can have nice things. He pays the rent and pays towards the bills, the rest of his cash gets pissed up the wall.

Have tried talking to him, he denies there's an issue, he takes the dogs for a walk and puts a couple of cans in his coat pocket so he can drink whilst he walks the dogs.

Not sure I want to go on like this! I do love him but I don't want to live with a drinker, put up with this for years as a kid.....

OP posts:
dalmatianmad · 13/01/2017 18:55

Thanks Nell......

OP posts:
user1481140239 · 13/01/2017 19:02

He is an alcoholic and he is in denial. Just because he is not aggressive or violent with it does not negate the fact. Sounds like you will continue to have a pretty miserable and unfulfilling relationship tbh (he will also definitely develop health complications eventually) is that the future you want? or the example you want to show you children?
Don't get him to try and stop, no point, it has to be his choice. He will do it behind your back and it will creep in again. Just tell him you don't want to be with him any more. Because it sounds like you really don't want this life. Good luck

HelsBels5000 · 13/01/2017 19:03

I also want you to consider the guilt you would feel should he kill/injure someone whilst drink-driving when you knew he was over the limit - presumably thats every time he leaves your house and gets in a vehicle?
Even if he doesn't have a conscience - you have yours!
My friend was killed by a drunk driver coming the other way, veered across road and collided with her car - at 7am.
Sorry if I'm being blunt but I see red when I read posts like this where the partner knew but failed to act.

ferriswheel · 13/01/2017 19:08

I am leaving my h because he is in denial about his bad behaviour. His coping method is a different form of escape but it has been an utterly debilitating and poisonous time. Please leave now, while you have the energy. Whether you find your h nice sometimes or not is totally irrelevant. Good luck.

dowhatnow · 13/01/2017 19:38

Can you buy him the self check breathalysers. Maybe that will shock him if he is over the limit in the morning.

I agree do what is right for you then see how and if he responds.

UnbornMortificado · 13/01/2017 19:50

Dalmatian that's the link to a saved page on the relationship board. That's where the level 10 saying came from, it has a bit more info there. I understand the whole settling for shit cos it's less shit then you've previously dealt with. It still isn't acceptable.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

dalmatianmad · 15/01/2017 01:18

Hiya guys, quick update because I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

We've been out for one of the paramedics birthdays tonight, he has been drinking on and off since he finished his night shift at 07.30 yesterday morning.
Started arguing with me, I was dancing at the party, he said I was an embarrassment.
We got home and he assaulted me, knocked me to the floor as we got out the taxi, I managed to get him out the front door, he started to kicked the door in, wouldn't leave, dc were asleep.
I ended up calling the police, they found him hiding in the shed....

So that's me! Single, didn't want it to end as abruptly as this but there you go!

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 15/01/2017 01:25

Fucking hell Dalmation.

Are you physically ok?

This wasn't acceptable and it wasn't your fault.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/01/2017 01:27
Flowers Hope you are OK.

Sounds like he knew something was up. Best wishes to you and your kids

MrsBlennerhassett · 15/01/2017 01:34

This sounds really awful for you you have my sympathy. Its hard watching someone you care about doing this to themselves but you arent helping him by staying with him and downplaying it. He will just get more and more ill. He needs to face up to it and so i think you should leave him. Alcoholics need to decide to get better themselves and to do that they need to realise that they are risking their lives and families with their behaviour. I really think it would be helpful both to him and to your kids if you address this face on and say that you are going and you wont come back until he has this under control. x

BlueberryGateaux · 15/01/2017 01:34

Bloody hell, hope you're not injured Flowers drinking since 7.30am Shock you're well rid of him.

MrsBlennerhassett · 15/01/2017 01:36

oh sorry OP didnt see the 3rd page just read your update! Thats really terrible hope you are okay as can be!! What an absolute bastard! I am glad tho that you now have a concrete reason you can use to spur you on to leave him. Good luck to you and your children Flowers

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp · 15/01/2017 01:38

Just read through your messages, hope you are OK op. Sounds like you have had a horrible, scary evening.

My dad was an alcoholic and dealing with the last few years of his life was the hardest thing I ever did. He died when I was in my late 20s from various drink-related issues.

I hope you are OK and I think the next few days/weeks will be very hard for you but stay strong. Only he can choose to get better x

dalmatianmad · 15/01/2017 01:38

I'm OK, just shocked I think.
Although in my head this relationship was well and truly over I really didn't expect it to be over like this. We had words earlier in the day because I commented that he had been drinking all day and I said I didn't want to go out.....

I'm so gutted it's ended like this, he kicked me from behind as we got out the taxi, he was hiding in the shed when the police arrived. I know the police officers from work, they were excellent, I'm just really embarrassed, they commented on how drunk he was, what do I do now??

What do I tell people? The kids have gone back to sleep, I'll talk to them in the morning. His dc were supposed to be coming at 10am, I'm not even sure he will be out by then? Do I tell their mum we won't be picking them up?

What a mess, I didn't want it to end like this.

OP posts:
dalmatianmad · 15/01/2017 01:42

What do I do now? Feel like I can't breathe, I'm so upset, I'm the long run we are better without him but what do I do now??

How do I face him at work everyday?
This is so awful, I can't stop crying, why did he have to kick me? It didn't 't need to end like this, I'm absolutely gutted.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 15/01/2017 01:42

I'd tell your SC's mam the truth.

My ex was violent towards me his new partner hid it from me and the police and DD2 ended up witnessing the DV, she was three.

UnbornMortificado · 15/01/2017 01:43

Sorry seen the update, forget my last post for now.

Have you got anyone who can be with you in RL?

MrsBlennerhassett · 15/01/2017 01:43

I think you should be honest with everyone as much as you can about exactly what is going on. People will be understanding. I had an ex who was an alcoholic and abusive and i lied to cover up his behaviour so many times because i was ashamed and also because i didnt want to make trouble and thought people would judge me.
People dont judge you though, they will want to help you through this. Its not your fault its his dont cover up for him. Tell the mother of his dc the truth and leave it up to her to decide weather or not she should bring the kids over. xx

dalmatianmad · 15/01/2017 01:49

I think I'm panicking, can't think straight.

Although it was over, probably a while ago, I didn't want it to end like this! It's gonna be so awkward for us both, how do I make clinical desicions about a patient using his input?? He just fucking well assaulted me and hid in the bloody shed ffs???????

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 15/01/2017 01:52

You might be in shock. Sounds like crap I know but I'd try some tea with sugar in. Good for shock.

dalmatianmad · 15/01/2017 01:53

I'm OK unborn, just feel completely devastated. Dc are in bed now, they didn't see anything, he woke them up when he was kicking the door in. They seem ok though. I don't want to bother anyone.
One of my friends from the party has messaged me, she said she saw him "bundling" me into the taxi, she knows things have been rough and how much he drinks, she's seen him take the dogs out with his pockets loaded with alcohol.
I just don't know what I do now???

OP posts:
dalmatianmad · 15/01/2017 01:54

Thankyou unborn x

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 15/01/2017 01:56

Is she someone you can confide in?

Not to be cheeky but how much have you drank?

Making decisions without a clear head might make you do something you regret tomorrow.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/01/2017 02:18

☕️🍪

Message her back, explain what happened once you got home. Start with her.

Be honest with everyone else. Tell them he's a functioning alcoholic & that because you cared about him, you hoped he could stop drinking, but he didn't. Then when you got home he turned violent & you had to call the police.

That's all you can & need to do.

The service might send him on a rehab course.

Work is going to be bloody difficult, can either of you get a transfer?.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/01/2017 02:22

I would text his Ex and just say that you don't think he will be able to have the kids this weekend. That he's still drinking & has now turned violent & that you have told him he has to leave & that you had to call the police out to him tonight as he assaulted you. Ask her to pass on whatever message you think is appropriate, from you, to his kids or suggest meeting up...whatever is right for you.

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