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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dp is alcoholic?

99 replies

dalmatianmad · 13/01/2017 12:09

Hi guys, fully prepared to be flamed here.

Been with DP for 5 years, I have 2 teenagers from my previous marriage.
He has 2 younger dc, sees them weekly and financially supports them. We're mostly happy, both work full time. Both have stressful jobs. Barely have sex, it's been months.

Really concerned about the amount dp drinks, even though in all fairness it doesn't seem to have too much impact.
He drinks approx 8 cans of strong lager every night, sometimes more.....
I go to bed at 10ish and he often falls asleep on sofa and comes to bed at 5/6am depending on whether he's at work the next day. If he's at work at 7am then he'll still drink the same amount but come to bed earlier, gets up and drives which worries me massively as I know he'll be over the limit. He barely goes out, when he does its football related and he can be out all day drinking, from morning to late at night. But this is rare. He works nights, comes in at 7am and drinks before going to bed.
If we have a day off together at the weekend, he'll suggest going somewhere with dc but it'll be pub related under the disguise of a family meal.

I don't really drink, my dm is an alcoholic as was my dgm, so I made a very conscious decision to not drink.
I worry about his health, hate that we barely do anything as a couple or a family. He must spend loads, I work my arse off and have to do overtime every month so we can have nice things. He pays the rent and pays towards the bills, the rest of his cash gets pissed up the wall.

Have tried talking to him, he denies there's an issue, he takes the dogs for a walk and puts a couple of cans in his coat pocket so he can drink whilst he walks the dogs.

Not sure I want to go on like this! I do love him but I don't want to live with a drinker, put up with this for years as a kid.....

OP posts:
orzal · 13/01/2017 12:58

Well done dalmationmad. I just feel relieved when my husband is out of the house or if I am away on holiday without him.

NameChange30 · 13/01/2017 13:08

"I just feel relieved when my husband is out of the house or if I am away on holiday without him."

Sad

That's a glaringly obvious sign that you'd be happier without him!

orzal · 13/01/2017 13:12

AnotherEmma, thank you, yes it is is.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2017 13:21

I'm sorry but he knows he's an alcoholic, he just doesn't want to admit it to either uou or himself. Because admitting it means he has to deal with it, it's much easier to keep drinking. He also knows exactly why he has no money. By doing nothing and subsidising you're enabling it. I also would put money on the fact his kids and yours also know he's an alcoholic.

You need to have a serious talk with him about how you both want to live , and if uou can't reach a comprimise and stick to it then end it.

nell15 · 13/01/2017 13:22

I've been there Dalmation it wears you down in the end. My DH used to buy a miniature whisky whenever he walked our dog I only found out when I called in at the shop when I had the dog with me and the shopkeeper asked me if I wanted the miniature whisky too, as this is what my DH bought every morning. It will get worse as he gets older as he body will cope less well with the alcohol, mine lost his job because of drinking - he told me it was redundancy but I found the letters and warnings. He ended up going to a and e with falls and broken bones etc - all because of drink I'd have the embarrassment of staff at the hospital asking if he'd been drunk/ knowing it was drink related. I became the sole earner and struggled to keep our heads above water knowing he was spending it like water on booze.

He was a lovely kind gentle witty man but he couldn't do without alcohol, sadly. He tried and couldn't succeed and I hated living with that tension every time he tried to cut down of watching him all the time in case he went back on it. He'd drink in the night and I got to dread the clink of glasses on our glass coffee table - I won't have one now.

It's no life for you or the kids. I'd given out ultimations and threats and in the end he got throat cancer which the oncologist said is prevalent among alcoholics and he died within the year.
10 years on, I've got a better life now.

Surreyblah · 13/01/2017 13:25

You clearly have prioritised your relationship, for many years, as it's unlikely to be in your DCs' best interests to be living with an alcoholic, no matter how good he is to them in other ways.

Surreyblah · 13/01/2017 13:26

And you're in denial if you think it, and your choices, haven't already had a negative impact on them.

Al anon might be a good source of support, for you and indeed your teens.

sparklewater · 13/01/2017 13:33

Al-Anon is actually really helpful for getting your head together a bit. I didn't go for long, but it was quite powerful for that short time.

Tell him you are going. His reaction might be interesting!

nell15 Feeling you on the clink. If I'm in bed and hear the fridge open my whole body still tenses up.

dalmatianmad · 13/01/2017 14:00

Thanks all, blunt I'm sure he probably does know that he has an issue, we had an argument before Christmas and I shouted at him about his drinking (out of sheer frustration) he came out with "I work full time and drive so clearly don't have a drink problem" and I suppose that's the way I've been thinking too! He does not compare to my dm, I remember waking up for school as a kid and she used to be passed out on the kitchen floor Confused when I started my nurse training I couldn't attend on my first day at uni because she was too drunk to look after my dc.....

Dp isn't like that, he manages and gets by and I think I've normalised it on that basis.

However, reached the point where I've had enough, you guys have been fab. I expected to be flamed, only Surrey has been negative Grin

Nell, his job hasn't been effected, sure it won't be long if he carries on like this.
I dread a knock saying that he's crashed my car and injured someone. I don't let my dc go in the car if he drives too early from the night before, I can't control what he does with his, he knows I'm unhappy bout it though.....

Lots of thinking to do!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/01/2017 14:02

You said you both work with alcoholics - surely both of you know about functioning alcoholics?! That's what he is.

dalmatianmad · 13/01/2017 14:14

I'm clinical (senior nursing role) dp is not clinical, can't say what he does, don't want to be recognised!
Of course I know what a functioning alcoholic is Emma, I think I've been in denial too, which is why I thought I'd be flamed, half expected folk to say "get on with it". This guy is honestly amazing in every other way, just the drinking.

Don't want to drip feed. I was with my ex for 20 years (dc's dad) and he was so abusive, I ended up in ICU with a nasty head injury. Dp is the first "normal" relationship I've had, hes everything I could ask for, apart from the drinking!!!!
Gutted it's turned out like this, I thought he was the "one".

OP posts:
yellowfrog · 13/01/2017 14:18

I know you won't want to hear this, but please call the police the next time he drives when you know he's still over the limit. He could kill someone. Besides, maybe being stopped by the police will be the wake up call he needs

EmeraldScorn · 13/01/2017 14:19

If someone is taking tins of beer when bringing the dogs for a walk and drinking in the mornings, then serious alarm bells should most definitely be ringing.

I don't have any advice sorry but what I will say is that you can't help someone who can't accept that they've got a problem and more to the point you can't destroy yourself trying to help, that's not good for anyone.

Your situation sounds miserable and your partner is clearly in self destruct mode; Good Luck, I hope you get the best outcome possible.

Flopsypopsy · 13/01/2017 14:19

I'd say he is an alcoholic. Of course he denies it, that's what everyone with a drink problem does.

Try some straight talking. If he values you and the life he has with you, he has to stop drinking. Tell him that, otherwise it's over. It's his choice a life with you or a life with alcohol.

You'll never be happy as things stand as whilst he's drinking alcohol will always be more important. Some people do change it's not impossible.

Mummamayhem · 13/01/2017 14:33

It's such a waste when alcohol does this to a family. For me I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship from what you described, he may feel it's not problematic but it's clearly all consuming and it seems so unfair that financially the burden is on you.

I'd look forward to enjoying the holiday you will have paid for without him. Doesn't he just drink all day on holidays anyway?

dollydaydream114 · 13/01/2017 14:33

My ex was an alcoholic and a lot of what you've said is a very familiar story to me, including the level of denial and the 'I'm not an alcoholic if I can work' excuse.

I think you do have to give him an ultimatum, sadly. Apart from anything, if he refuses to stop drinking even when he knows it spells the end of your relationship, he won't be able to continue denying that he has a drink problem.

ClopySow · 13/01/2017 14:34

Surrey wasn't being negative, she was being honest. If you continue in a relationship with an alcoholic, you are putting that relationship before the best interests of your children.

UnbornMortificado · 13/01/2017 14:35

Dalmatian I've read this advice on here before.

Just because your ex was a level 8 bastard doesn't mean you have to settle for a level 4 bastard.

If that makes sense I know you have said your partners not abusive but it sounds like the alcoholism is taking its toll on you.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2017 14:41

I'm no expert in alcoholism, but there is stages I understand, from where you go from being the life and soul of the party, to the next stage where your friends and family start to understand there is a problem, to lastly falling over the edge into alcohol taking over.

Often what that takes is one car accident where they are over the limit, or one life stresser and they fall into the abyss and roar towards rock bottom. I do know someone at the functioning stage and I recognise it wouldn't take much for it all to topple over.

I'm not sure how many functioning alcoholics manage to stay that way for the duration of their lives without ever toppling into the last stage.

If he says he's not an alcoholic, ask him to take a week or a month off the booze, see how he copes.

FarAwayHills · 13/01/2017 14:52

Your DP is minimising his alcohol addiction by comparing himself with the stereotype alcoholic and probably those he sees at their worst in hospital. There is nothing normal about drinking in the morning after a night shift or walking the dog with a few cans in your pockets. The impact on your DC should not be underestimated they will know that this is not what happens in other homes and that your DPs drinking is not what other grown ups do.

GashleyCrumbTiny · 13/01/2017 16:43

I've been in AA several years now and it's a very common theme among alcoholics that they didn't used to believe they had a problem because they held down a job and put food on the table. Your husband may or may not truly believe that there is no problem but sadly, in either case, he's not likely to change based on anything you say to him. He'll cling to the drink until things get far far worse. Alcoholism is progressive so things are likely to escalate. You need to prioritise yourself and your children. Nothing you do is going to change him before he's ready and it sounds like he'll need to fall asleep long way before he'll acknowledge the problem.

Look after yourself and your kids. You can't persuade or shock or scare him into changing. He will or he won't in due course. Just do whatever is best for you for now.

GashleyCrumbTiny · 13/01/2017 16:47

*fall a long way, not fall asleep. Fucking autocorrect.

Wolfiefan · 13/01/2017 16:51

Please don't let him drive your car if he could be over the limit. He could kill someone.
Yes he's an alcoholic. He clearly has no intention of stopping.
So what are you going to do?

dalmatianmad · 13/01/2017 18:46

Thanks everyone, sorry went AWOL, sorting kids tea etc.
Unborn, I've never read that before. Sadly very true.
We've barely spoken tonight, he's got up and gone to work for a 12 hour night shift...

I need to have a good talk with him tomorrow, it's clearly make or break time Sad
I can't carry on like this, as lovely as he is we don't have a proper relationship!
I think he will completely deny any issues, it will be over, need to put me and dc first!

Thanks all xxx

OP posts:
nell15 · 13/01/2017 18:54

I'll be thinking of you. Be kind to yourself. Be strong