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AIBU?

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Original poster

Smacking as discipline

118 replies

aintnobodygottimefodat · 13/01/2017 11:39

Posting here for traffic.

My next door neighbour has a just turned 2 yr old toddler. Our houses are semi's with only us attached iyswim. Now, as expected with toddlers and children, we hear a lot of crying. Their DC is left with dad a lot as mum works full time and he does evening work.
I've noticed a pattern over the last year or so; their DC cries a lot more when left with dad. On occasion, I've heard dad shout and scream when DC cries, fair enough, not the way I would handle it, but it can be very testing. I've also heard very clear, unmistakable smacks Sad sometimes 4/5 in a row. Not a "tap on the hand".
This is fairly distressing to hear. Their DC cries even harder after this and it literally turns my stomach and makes my blood run cold.
I heard this again a few nights ago, after the mum had also been shouting and screaming at him. So she was definitely present when this last incident happened.
It (the smacking) has happened maybe 10 times in the past year.
Whenever we see the neighbours we always give a friendly hello, but we're not overly friendly. I don't think they would take kindly to us approaching them about it, or even offering a cuppa and a chat.
Their child is not neglected from what I can see, and we often hear him laughing and playing.
So my question is what would you do? Have a word with health visitor? Ask for advice from nspcc? Or just leave it?
If we reported it would be obvious it was us, as we're the only ones attached, and no way other neighbours could hear.
Ugh, bit of a moral dilemma here.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/01/2017 15:54

The couple are on their 40's and I'm guessing he is of the generation "a smack won't do any harm"

cherrycrumblecustard · 13/01/2017 15:56

It's on bare skin though, if she can hear it.

That must be really hard, and painful.

DailyFail1 · 13/01/2017 15:56

A tap on the wrist and a hiding are two different things snatchedpencil I would often tap dd when she was pre-verbal if she did dangerous things but would never have given 4-5 loud smacks.

WatchfulOwl · 13/01/2017 15:57

Oh my goodness. The thought of that poor children being smacked and yelled at for crying is just awful.

But as you can see from this thread their are people who think this is perfectly OK. They don't deserve their children. Arseholes

ScarletSienna · 13/01/2017 15:57

If I heard him striking his wife so hard I could hear it, I would be calling the police, not letting her GP know. So of course I'd do the same for a child!

Original poster
aintnobodygottimefodat · 13/01/2017 15:57

Apologies bluntness, I certainly didn't mean everyone in their 40s has that approach to discipline! Blush

I should have said instead that he seems to have that mindset/has been brought up that way.

I myself was brought up in an environment where I had an occasional smack but it in no way means that I feel the need to raise my children in the same way.

OP posts:
NickyEds · 13/01/2017 15:58

Smacking gets a fair press- it's wrong. Disciplining children absolutely does not 'normally' require smacking. I really can't think of a situation where hitting a child can be justified. Some kids need hitting harder than others? Seriously?

Op, I would take beating a toddler so hard it can be heard through walls really seriously and would certainly report it.

WatchfulOwl · 13/01/2017 15:58

Child*
There are*

StarlingMurderation · 13/01/2017 15:58

Is the child in any childcare setting?

princessmouldilocks · 13/01/2017 15:59

I prefer explain, explain and explain again. Naughty spot and have tried clapping but no good for my mdd as she just gets more cross. Record it if you can Confused Sad and call ss yourself. It's awful to think about, and more awful for the child.my father believed in "discipline" ie knocking the stuffing out of me. I really didn't mean to come across as unsupportive in last post more cross at the system if anything. Good luck Flowers

SarfEast1cated · 13/01/2017 16:03

Bloody hell snatched Some children need to be smacked harder and more often than others.

HecateAntaia · 13/01/2017 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 13/01/2017 16:10

I think smacking gets an unfair press. Children need discipline, and this normally means an occasional smack. Some children need to be smacked harder and more often than others. They know their child better than you do, so I'd say leave them to it. The fact that you can hear it doesn't mean it is cruel - it could just be that you've got a keen ear, or the walls are not very well soundproofed.

Replace 'Children' with 'Wives'. Not ok.

Original poster
aintnobodygottimefodat · 13/01/2017 16:12

Starling - no, not that I'm aware.

OP posts:
ElphabaTheGreen · 13/01/2017 16:12

SnachecPencil If you have children, they should be taken off you if that's your position on smacking. No smacking, none, not ever is acceptable. It's lazy, thoughtless parenting. It's not even 'parenting' - it abuse. I don't even accept a 'tap on the hand' - why? What's the point? Remove the child from the danger/unacceptable behaviour if that's why you feel a 'tap' is needed. Tapping on the hand is humiliating for the child at best and a slippery slope to more severe punishment at worse ('well a tap didn't get the message across, I'll have to do it harder next time').

I also don't hold with the 'it never did me any harm' bullocks either. The attached sums it up perfectly for me.

Smacking as discipline
lovelearning · 13/01/2017 16:12

this has been going on since he was around 1

aintnobodygottimefodat

Why are you only acting now?

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2017 16:14

The other thing is, what about the stuff uou don't hear. This is a two year old, being shouted and screamed at by both parents and repeatedly hit. It is so awful and makes me sick to my stomach.

The child needs protecting from the horrors raising it.

Trifleorbust · 13/01/2017 16:14

I can understand why you might feel you need smacking as a "nuclear option" with a toddler - they are mobile, totally irrational and liable to do dangerous things, so you might reserve smacking for teaching them the difference between 'No, stop stealing your sister's toys' and 'No, that's hot/sharp', so they understand that you are deadly serious. But I can't think what point you might need to make to a child that would require 5 hard smacks. At all.

annlee3817 · 13/01/2017 16:15

WTH Snatched No, Just NO!! smacked harder? I'm sorry but smacking a child multiple times is bad enough but a toddler or baby I find quite shocking. My DD is 19 months, I just can't imagine it.

Telling people to keep their noses out when they hear things like this or see things, is the reason so many children slip under the radar! Better to report something and it turn out to be nothing than sweep it under the carpet and let it possibly get worse.

annlee3817 · 13/01/2017 16:15

WTH Snatched No, Just NO!! smacked harder? I'm sorry but smacking a child multiple times is bad enough but a toddler or baby I find quite shocking. My DD is 19 months, I just can't imagine it.

Telling people to keep their noses out when they hear things like this or see things, is the reason so many children slip under the radar! Better to report something and it turn out to be nothing than sweep it under the carpet and let it possibly get worse.

Shallishanti · 13/01/2017 16:17

you have done the right thing by telling the HV and she will doubtless pursue it but you will never know, due to confidentiality. But I would suggest that you call the police immediately if this happens again, as this sounds like assault plain and simple. If they come straight away, there will be evidence.

missfliss · 13/01/2017 16:17

makes me want to vom.

don't get me wrong I lose my shit with my son at times, I've yelled and I'm not proud. Parenting is hard. I've itched to smack him back when he's hit or kicked me but a) I never have and b) I know it is so wrong that even the thought makes me sick.

Smacking is not ok.

smacking regularly 4 or more times so hard it can be heard? Absolutely unacceptable and horrific.

Poor little boy.

SarfEast1cated · 13/01/2017 16:17

OP you do really need to contact someone about this (no idea who though) If the smacks are that hard they will have left marks surely.
Poor little boy, hurt by the people who are meant to love him.

ElphabaTheGreen · 13/01/2017 16:18

I can understand why you might feel you need smacking as a "nuclear option" with a toddler - they are mobile, totally irrational and liable to do dangerous things, so you might reserve smacking for teaching them the difference between 'No, stop stealing your sister's toys' and 'No, that's hot/sharp', so they understand that you are deadly serious.

Rubbish. They can learn that without a finger being raised. Sharp, 'No!' and instant removal. If you're close enough to smack, you're close enough to extract.

Smacking, slapping, tapping, at any force, is completely unnecessary and unacceptable.

smilingsarahb · 13/01/2017 16:25

I would definately call the NSPCC. They are trained to deal with this.