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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not take my son to church??

108 replies

deelli · 12/01/2017 18:18

DS is 11 and has decided he wants to start going to church. WIBU to say I won't go? I'm an atheist and wouldn't want to 'support' a particular religion.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2017 08:10

There's also no better way to make a person want to do something than banning them from it. By not letting him go you might well make him even more determined to pursue it.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/01/2017 08:15

When I was around 10 or 11. I told my atheist parents I wanted to go to church. I had friends who went and I had watched the sound of music and thought nuns were marvellous. I was not indulged, so I expressed by faith by dramatically praying at the war memorial we passed on the way to the shops. Years later I attended a university Christian Union meeting with my new flat mate, purely out of curiosity - I found the experience terrifying and got out when they broke off into groups for bible study. Two Rugby player members of the CU, chased after me to make sure I was"ok" return me I told them to f off.

I am v glad my parents didn't indulge my whim to be religious - I am sure it is terrible parenting but for me now the thought of sending my child voluntarily to a church service is an anathema - I would rather be a bad parent than hypocritical in this situation.

FruitCider · 13/01/2017 08:16

As an atheist of my child wanted to go church, I would take them. Actually I regularly visit various places of worship with my 4 year old, to teach them about the world and different cultures. Exposure to different things as a child is a great experience for them to have! As your child is 11, you could sit in a service with them a couple of times until they felt comfortable enough to attend alone? I don't think you should be dictating to your son about how he follows his faith at his age... although as an avid atheist I understand how difficult this would feel!

teaandakitkat · 13/01/2017 08:27

I would let him go and I would go with him. It's something he's interested in. Support him. You don't have to 'join in' in any way, just sit beside him. And once he's been a few times he might either decide it's not for him, he might feel comfortable to go on his own, you might meet someone you know who can take him.

Ankleswingers · 13/01/2017 08:31

what rebelrogue said

MNHQ
LisaMumsnet · 13/01/2017 08:34

Just a gentle reminder that there is no need to make personal attacks on other Mumsnetters - make your point/s by all means, but please be kind and respect others' points of view.

PinkBunnyOnesieOnOrder · 13/01/2017 08:37

It would worry me if my 11 year old was writing pages & pages of letters to anyone, God or not, & saying I wouldn't understand. I'd want to get to the bottom of that before even thinking about taking him to church (or anywhere else).

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 13/01/2017 08:44

I would take him and go.
Going in a church and listening to a service doesn't make you a Christian.
It doesn't make you believe in god, nor does it change your beliefs.

You might however learn more about a religion that might become BERY important for your ds.

You need to respect his beliefs too. Because they are just beliefs just as yours are.

Going there would also give you the huge adavantage to know what he is being told. And to know it's 'just' the Church of England.
Stop him and he is likely to turn to the internet for information and end up with people with errr... much stronger beliefs.

PinguForPresident · 13/01/2017 08:44

I'm an atheist (brought up evangelical Christian, but realised I didn;t beleive any of it pretty much as son as I was an adult). If my kids wanted to go to church (unlikley!) I'd facilitate them going, but wouldn;t go myself. So i'd deliver them to a suitable Sunday school or service for kids, but no way would I darken the doors myself.

TheLivingAsheth · 13/01/2017 08:47

Does it have to be "a church service" rather than a youth group? When I was 12, despite probably being more agnostic than anything else, my friend got me to come along to a church youth group called Covenanters, which met every Thursday and Sunday - Thursday was games, Sunday was Bible stuff. There was some encouragement to go to the family service afterward and I'm sure if I had wanted to go, I could have done. I was never really that happy about going and stopped in the end, but my parents had no part in any of it. My sister also went to church with friends (a different church) and ended up getting baptised, again parents were not involved at all. Maybe there is a similar youth group near you?

Eliza22 · 13/01/2017 08:49

I would support his curiosity. I definitely wouldn't let him go alone. The Church, like every other institution, has its unsavoury characters remember.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 13/01/2017 08:49

And get, if he feels he needs to write to God so much, then something is bothering him.
Knowing about the religion and god and what it means to him also means you will know what sort of support he needs atm. Support he is NOT getting from anyone else (you incl)

I would be very careful to keep the communication lines wide open with him, rather than closing the lines saying that your don't believe in God, so you will NEVER part take in that sort 'demonstration' nor would you like to be part of that 'community' (I assume you think they are 'different' in some ways and therefore you will never be able to relate to them in anyway? Or is it that you don't want to be seen as a Christian?).

Btw I'm not a Christian in anyway. I'm not there to defend them iyswim

PausingFlatly · 13/01/2017 08:59

Shock at the posters saying "you wouldn't force an 11-yr-old to church if they didn't want to go or said they didn't believe," and expecting outrage if a child were dragged along.

Yeah right.Grin

My memory is it goes more like this:
"We're going to church and that's all there is to it."
"No you're not staying home on your own."
"Be bored quietly then."

BertrandRussell · 13/01/2017 08:59

Have you talked to school about him?

PausingFlatly · 13/01/2017 09:07

I'd also be worried about the writing pages and pages to god.

Attending a mainstream church might be quite a good thing for him, to share other people's perspectives of god and what christianity means, and help him develop his ideas in a safer way.

It's not foolproof, but better than him sitting at home and inventing his own version of god who says, well, whatever your son decides he says - with a little help from the frothing of the internet.

ollieplimsoles · 13/01/2017 09:25

If God wants him to go, he'll go, whatever the OP does. Why does she have to take him?

Oh yuck..

I would have a discussion with him about why he's writing all these pages, talk to him about why you are atheist, does he have any Christian friends?

Allatseainthemidlands · 13/01/2017 09:39

I would let him go- find a local church he can walk to, ask to be introduced to whoever runs their children's work and find out who is their designated safeguarding officer, just alert the church that he will be attending on his own.
He is old enough to explore his own ideas and experiences. Don't fight him- facilitate his enquiry as you would if he had an interest in anything else. I spent years fighting with my parents to be permitted to go to church and my relationship with my DF never recovered from the conflict.

GoldenWondering · 13/01/2017 09:55

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Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2017 10:13

Yes you should, my non Christian friends used to go, to Weddings, baptisms, etc, do it for your ds. You don't have to take part, just accompany him, then when he is old enough, he can go on his own.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 13/01/2017 10:49

@deelli why don't you name change and post in one in this topic asking who knows of a church in DeelliVille that would be good for welcoming an 11 year old?

CockacidalManiac · 13/01/2017 10:56

It would worry me if my 11 year old was writing pages & pages of letters to anyone, God or not, & saying I wouldn't understand. I'd want to get to the bottom of that before even thinking about taking him to church (or anywhere else).

Er, yes. This. I'd say that this merits further investigation.

CockacidalManiac · 13/01/2017 10:57

It's not as if he's expressed a mild interest in expressing his spiritual side; he's writing pages of letters to God. I'm surprised more people aren't worried by this.

Kr1stina · 13/01/2017 10:59

Some work out their thoughts and feelings by writing. Some use diaries or letters. I don't see why it's a worry.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2017 10:59

If he's curious take him to a couple of services, they are not all evangelical bible bashers. My husband is Catholic and we go to the Catholic Church, nobody would try to convert you, and see if you are 'ok'. Just sit through the service and go home.

Kr1stina · 13/01/2017 11:03

Some 11yo boys do think about more than football you know. They have questions and concerns about big issues, like how was the world made and why are there so many wars in the world.

Maybe he's asking God about these things . Who knows . I think that at 11 he's allowed to have his own views and questions about life.

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