AIBU to think an 18 yo shouldn't find a just turned 14 yo 'hot'?

[samuelsdw]

Just that.

From what I read the ops ds and her dh are winding her up. I imagine her ds knows very well this girl doesn't fancy him but he's enjoying the attention and that's fine.

I think there's a massive difference in an 18yo who is outwith the school system commenting on a pic and a 18yo at school doing it. The level of maturity and the life experience for one thing.

Would you be reacting like this had she put the fire emoji on his pic which would essentially be saying the same thing. I'll be honest when I was a senior at high school we interacted with younger classes as well as our own I doubt she's thought about what she's put on as these days they all comment on everyone's post despite not knowing them much etc, it's just how it's done.

I think YABVU to try and over sexualise what was probably a throw away comment and this poor girl is being made out to be targeting pre pubescent boys on Facebook. At 18 I was going out with a 27 year old and had zero interest in boys my own age let alone younger

It's a delicate issue. My friends DS did date a sixth former when he was 14 and she was 16 and he lost his virginity at 15 to her and she was 17. They stayed together for over a year, all over now of course. All that happened at school was he was Mr Popular for pulling an incredibly attractive sixth former . He actually was unusual for a boy that age as he looked far older than he was.

I agree maturity levels are huge at this age hence the concern whenever an age gap relationship strikes up at this age.

One thing we forget is just how differently all this is perceived by youngsters. I dated a 28 college lecturer when I was 16, I look back now and think how crazily innapropriate that was especially due to his job.

I do think 'hot' is just used to say nice picture. I've seen friends younger siblings / kids saying it to their best friends of the same sex so I don't think it's meant as a sexual come on in this instance. Also she only said hi to him at school, there's really nothing wrong with that. If your son does feel worried about it at any point then of course you will need to act.
As pp have said I would take your son to the doctors to check on the lack of puberty.

Regarding the gender differences my responses would be exactly the same if reversed. Complete non issue.

Maybe it is all a wind up and her and her mates are doing it to take the piss? Not as nice as some of the other explanations, but I saw it happen all the time when I was at school.

"Fit" kids flirting with less attractive ones to then take the piss later...

But she might just be being nice, or she is a peedo...

Is your son just 14 or nearly 15 and is she only just 18 or nearly 19? That makes a difference IMO.

And those who think a 14 yo is a baby, you know that young teens are capable of being 'predatory' to younger children too?

OP - step away from the Daily Mail - paedos don't lurk around every corner

Maybe only slightly related, but where I grew up the age of consent was 16 but we there's a 'close in age' law of 3 years (so, 15 and 18, 11 and 14, potentially).

And I'm just realising how much this (apparently) influenced my perspective. Somebody above mentioned a 14 and a 16 yo and how this is 'a delicate issue' and I was just thinking... well, that's just normal, isn't it?
Weird, how stuff like that can influence us.

Anyhow, as mentioned above. I don't think there's enough here to be concerned about. That's behaviour classified as friendly, seriously. Teens seem to also write stuff like 'love you' 'will you be my girlfriend' 'you're so cute/hot' etc and they don't actually mean it sexually/romantically.

What else? He's 14. He is not a baby. Seriously, when I was 14, 14 yo boys (and girls) weren't babies. Sure, we were immature little shits. But not innocent babies.

If she does do something that's a reason for genuine concern you do have to contact the school.

I thought the same as HairsprayBabe - is she definitely complimenting him?

Could she be teasing/mocking him and he just hasn't cottoned on?

Seriously? A 14y old male, full of hormones can't find an 18 year old girl hot? You must have lived a sheltered life.

OP: AIBU?

MN: 'Broadly, yes you are'

OP: 'None of you would be saying this if it was the other way around. So typical.'

Then why bother bloody asking?

There are several different issues flying around here, worth separating for comment.

First, in this particular instance I agree with many previous posters that the comment is normal speak for people of this age through social media. I really wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Second, as creepy and judgmental as this sounds I think that we can all tell if a 14 year old (of either sex) is particularly good-looking or particularly ugly in a non-sexual way, regardless of whether they've hit puberty. It's just that most of us would never articulate it, because unless you're also in year 9 there's no way of saying it without sounding at least slightly pervy.

Third, I really cannot believe that there are people on here saying that if a 14 year old boy is not showing visible signs of puberty then he should be taken to the doctor. Seriously? He might be a bit later than average, but it really isn't unusual or abnormal for a boy's voice to have not broken by his 14th birthday.

I'm a bit at the "it's not that big of an age gap" comments. No, and it wouldn't be an issue if they were 24 and 28 but 14 and 18 are worlds apart in terms of physical and mental maturity. A 14 year old boy whose voice hasn't broken is a child while this girl is legally an adult. It's a bit creepy.

I am 30 and was recently attending an old friends 30th birthday. There was an incredibly hot guy there and I definitely got a bit of a blush around him...until I realised he was my friends 18 year old brother I had not seen him for about 15 years so didn't realise.

Blimey OP - she said 'hi' to him at school. That's not quite the same thing as bothering him for a date.

The 'hot' comments on the photos are teenage parlance - I wouldn't give that a second thought.

I think you are overreacting slightly.

I'm guessing the OP is embarrassed over her misunderstanding and hysterical over-reaction and won't be back.

It's a shame, as if handled gracefully, this could have been a reassuring and supportive thread. God I hate flouncers.

It's just a silly comment. Honestly.

id think it was fairly normal for an 18 year old to consider other teenagers their peers, and its only a cultural thing that its bad for them to be interested. Thres only 4 years difference.
I would expect the 18 year old to not act on it, but loads of 14 year olds at my school had older boyfriends. It was the done thing. Its only now that we infantilise teenagers

At 14, my friend at school was in full blown sexual relationship with a (female) 18yo sixth former, and this was how is started. At first I thought you were being a bit precious, but reading your update about her commenting on his pics and making contact at school - it's just not quite right.

I also suspect she may have been taking the piss. I also think uou can have started puberty and not have your voice broken, I don't think it's exactly simalteanous, more the voice breaks as a boy goes through puberty.

The op should definitely not talk to the school. She will make a laughing stock of her son of it gets out.

I absolutely do not think you should go to the school. As someone has said you will make your son unhappy and possibly embarrass him and he will be less likely to tell you things in future. Keep talking and listening to him and don't show too much disapproval of the girl's behaviour yet, though of course don't seem in any way as if you approve. Try to keep your reaction neutral and gauge his while you listen.

If it escalates then maybe it is time for action but at the moment I think it is way OTT to complain to the school (particularly if your son is not upset) . I would feel the same if the genders were reversed unless the younger child was upset and really wanted it to stop

Obviously of the girl continues to take too much of an interest then maybe then go to the school but on the basis of one comment of hot and a hi in the school halls., I think you are being way way too overprotective. to step in yet.

I am not sure whether the girl does find him attractive, as others have said she might just be being nice but as someone said good luck with trying to ban any signs of attraction between 18 and 14 year olds. It has been happening for milennia really. As a society we disapprove strongly (rightly) of this being acted on until the younger one is older but trying to stop all evidence of this is pretty much like trying to stop the tide.

"Hot" no longer means "pwoar" for teens though, OP. I don't think this is a sexual advance on her part, just a kind compliment.

my dh is 4 years younger than me

If it gets reported to the school, it will go one of two ways:

The son will be hugely embarrassed and probably made fun of for a long time.

Or

It will be (wrongfully, in my opinion) taken seriously and the girl will be labelled as a pedophile, because she was kind to OPen son.

Win win eh?

I presume those who are horrified would be fine about someone implying that your 18 yo was a pervert?