AIBU to think an 18 yo shouldn't find a just turned 14 yo 'hot'?

[samuelsdw]

Just that.

None of you would be saying this if it was the other way around. So typical.

That's a big assumption you've made just there . I find some women 'hot' although I wouldn't use that word and I'm not a lesbian and would never act on it on a million years. It's just a throw away comment.

I have namechanged for this as it's identifying.

You're wrong about a school being uninterested. My daughter was a subject to 'throw away comments' by a boy who was in Year 11 (so younger) and DD was 13 (in year 8) so less years between them and they took it very seriously indeed and he wasn't even an adult!!! I can imagine they would be very interested OP, especially as she is an adult. I can't believe people think it's ok.

Would you lot seriously call a child hot?

I may be being very simplistic, but the signs of puberty must be present for anyone to be thinking they're 'hot', surely?

Ok reading that I probably am being simplistic but I think that's ok for a basic rule of thumb isn't it?

Developing from a child's body into an 'adult'/ mature body is what puberty changes are all about, and although during/after those changes teenagers are still not fully adult in many ways, at least they've getting some of the hallmarks of sexual maturity which is surely what starts to make them 'fanciable' on a physical level?

eg growing breast tissue if you're a girl, needing to use deodorant, voice breaking for boys etc etc.

Although this is complicated by the trend towards earlier onset of puberty, and younger and younger children having body changes when they are still just children. However, I would have thought that that was the issue for most, that the child has signs of sexual maturity and growing up, when they're not that age and definitely shouldn't be treated as if they are. Rather than the situation you describe when the young person hasn't had those changes yet?

Anyway, it's the middle of the night and I'm rambling! But basically, the thing that makes me dubious about the situation is what exactly is the 18 yr old finding sexually attractive if the young boy in question hasn't hit puberty yet in many ways?

It would be different if they were close in age but at different stages on the teenage puberty spectrum.

Perhaps it's less questionable if the younger teen has other traits that are the focus vs body, like a brilliant mind?

namechange This isn't a snippy comment aimed at you so please don't think it is, but people think it's ok in the op's situation because the younger person is a boy. I don't think people would think the same about your situation because your dd is the younger one.

Calling someone 'hot' for teenagers is their version of our generation saying 'nice pic' or 'looking good'. I would say that either way for either sex. I suspect she's just being kind. It's just not a come on.

Totally agree Bill. It's a teenage compliment.

I'm a TA in a secondary school.

Even though this generation does use 'hot' 'fit' and other words to be nice, it's normally between friends. A random sixth former really wouldn't be doing this to someone in year 9 (I assume he is Year 9?) it just doesn't happen! (Not in the 3 schools I have worked at anyway). Also, he doesn't need to see a doctor. In year 9 at my school currently there are children who get mistaken for Year 7s and some who have beards. They're all so different. I actually believe the school would find this inappropriate .

I hope it's clear that the younger person being a boy does not make things okay, not one little bit. This is the patriarchy at work, telling us that these young boys should be flattered and stoked that women are showing them attention. "Good on you!" the patriarchy says to young boys getting attention from older women. "Cougar, score!" Never mind that the young boy is a child, and the older woman is (bordering on) criminal (if she acts on whatever attraction she may have).

I've read the update about the boy's friends being the ones writing "hot" on his photos on Facebook. I'm not wild about the oversexualization of children here, but surely we can agree that it's one thing for someone in his peer group to say something like that, and another thing for an adult to say something like that to a child.

Once again, just because he's a boy, doesn't negate the fact that he's a child, doesn't magically make him equipped to handle this kind of attention (much as he might think he can, or that he's supposed to be able to, thank you patriarchy and toxic masculinity). He's a baby, and deserves to be protected from this oversexualization as long as is possible.

I agree, if a random 18 male year old sixth former was calling a girl hot on Facebook and then making a point to talk to her (when they're obviously not into puberty) you lot would find that very wrong. No? Sixth formers don't randomly say hi to lower years after calling them hot on social media.

Are you saying 18yos shouldn't find 14yos hot?

If so, good luck with that.

If you're saying they shouldn't make a comment like that, that's a fair enough opinion. It's the FB equivalent of a wolf whistle.

I think she might have said "hot" just as a non-sexual compliment.

Like someone might comment "hot" on shoes or a bag or a song.

As in "what's hot right now" rather than "am I hot or not?". So what is current/in vogue/hip/happening/cool/sick.

It does mean something different to teenagers.

Agree with PP that in the context of a comment on a Facebook pic she's probably just being polite. I doubt she genuinely is lusting after him!

Amongst people I know that age (and quite a bit older, actually) on Facebook commenting "hot" on a picture is just like "liking" it or saying "nice pic", it doesn't mean they fancy them or anything.

Exactly kitten. And saying 'hi' is not sexual harassment. I think this poor girl is having normal friendly behaviour sexualised almost to the point of hysteria. I mean, she said 'hi' FFS. That's it.

Re the comment about doctors. If there's no sign of puberty at 14 it's classed as delayed so, yes, it is worth seeing a doctor at that point just to make sure there is no underlying problem.

I'm another one who thinks you're seriously over reacting. 'Hot' is equivalent to liking a photo and she might have done it as a little confidence boost. Yes I would say the same if it was the other way round. Keep an eye on it if you're worried, but I think you'd be foolish to contact the school just about this. You'd be the talk of the staff room.

Total over reaction. "Hot" is meant as a compliment to younger people when they use it. You are reading far too much into this.

'hot' is clearly just something teens say to each other under photos. I could understand your upset if more graphic language had been used but hot is a fairly innocuous word it just means attractive. Would you have reacted the same way if she had said handsome? its just the modern equivalent of that!
Yes i would say the same if the genders were reversed as well.
Id have issues with it if there were several comments and she seemed to be particularly focused on him or something. But just 'hot' under one photo and saying hello to him in passing doesnt really constitute anything to be alarmed about i dont think. It doesnt sound like your son is uncomfortable about it?
Why exactly are you worried? Do you think hes taking it too seriously himself or something?

Meh
Like if school has nothing else to do

I work in a secondary school and unless there is more background that's given too cause for concern this really is just how they "like" each other's photos. Your son isn't upset and I really don't know what you think the school is supposed to do. Whether it's older female or male is irrelevant in this context. Their use of social media is a minefield in so many ways, but this isn't really one of them unless they are being nasty about his appearance.

Also, if you react like this to something (likely) innocent, you should think about how that will affect your son's future openness with you.

My DDs are young though; I imagine it's much harder to be subjective about your own DCs interactions online. Not looking forward to that stage.

Teens don't have the full history on the word hot and sexualised words have been put out there, so kids/teens will use them.

I remember doing the same in the sleaze-ridden 60s/70s with no idea of the context. All the musical terms were about sex - uptight, outta sight, in the groove etc. Adult men invent the terms and they trickle down.

I think you may be conflating your use of the word "hot" with what she might mean as a teen.

As adults we would probably refer as a sexual word where her meaning would be more innocuous.

Once again, just because he's a boy, doesn't negate the fact that he's a child, doesn't magically make him equipped to handle this kind of attention (much as he might think he can, or that he's supposed to be able to, thank you patriarchy and toxic masculinity). He's a baby, and deserves to be protected from this oversexualization as long as is possible.

I'm a feminist too, but I really don't think he's had much attention at all from this girl. She put an innocuous (and it is innocuous) comment on his Facebook and said hi to him. That's not oversexualisation, certainly not the like that girls of that age experience. It doesn't sound like she has any intention of going after him. And he's not 'a baby'. That's a strange mindset. I think he's old enough to define his own boundaries within certain parameters.

I think you can keep an eye on the situation, without getting overly anxious. It's not unheard of for older girls to take a big sisterly interest in younger students, depending on the school's culture. Young people use language in a different way, so not really clear cut at the moment what her intentions are. If she seeks him out, says more, then you'll get a better idea of what is going on. Don't make a fuss yet, or your son won't tell you the truth! You need him to talk to you.

She could: be buttering him up in the hopes he'll buy her lunch etc; be a horrible bulky intending to make people laugh at him; genuinely find him sexy (inappropriate); just be being nice in a teen girl way.

Wait a bit to find out which.

I suspect she is trying to be kind because she feels sorry for him not having started puberty yet. I remember there being a boy in my class like this and it was tough for him as he looked so much more childish than everyone else (till the hormones hit and he grew 2 ft in about 3 weeks )

I very much doubt she has a predatory interest in pre-pubescent boys.

Boys and girls of various ages at my dd (13) school do this. It's all over instagram.

Usually it's the fire emoji and love heart eyes. It's a compliment to say you look on fire (as in look awesome/pretty/whatever) even when typing 'hot' on each other's photos (all genders and girls to each other) it's just a compliment thing.

I definitely don't see it as anything sexual, it's a confidence boost.

Hope you get it sorted Op. I think the 18 yr old would be mortified if she thought a 14 yr old boy thought she was interested. When I was that age I wasn't interested in my peers never mind 14 yr olds. All way immature.