AIBU to think an 18 yo shouldn't find a just turned 14 yo 'hot'?

[samuelsdw]

Just that.

I'm a feminist too, but I really don't think he's had much attention at all from this girl. She put an innocuous (and it is innocuous) comment on his Facebook and said hi to him.

You're right, of course. I was referring more to the mindset that some posters appeared to have of "well, the younger party is a boy, so this isn't as serious an issue". I firmly believe that if the younger party had been the girl, people would have been falling all over themselves in their haste to read it differently. It annoyed me that it seemed like it's being handwaved because he happens to be a boy.

No crime in noticing as long as not acted upon.

My response would be exactly the same if the situation was reversed.

But if the op has such a problem why is she "letting" her son by fb friends with anyone older than him if she doesn't like them commenting on his pictures?

I wouldn't be too worried about it in that context. I work in a school, and that's the sort of thing they all post. Some of the girls will post stuff like "omg will you be my girlfriend" under pictures of their friends, it doesn't mean they are lesbians.

As others have said, it is the default instagram comment, along with the flame emoji and the heart eyes.

The recipient then usually says 'I'm not but thank you' or 'no you are', or more recently just 'ses/sessss' I think that one means 'says' as in 'says you', but it's a baffling world! My little sisters Instagram is a mystery to me most of the time.

So that combined with a hi doesn't seem like anything to be immediately concerned about, although no harm in keeping an eye.

It annoyed me that it seemed like it's being handwaved because he happens to be a boy

It's not an equality issue. The fact is that it is incredibly unusual for teenage girls to have a predatory interest in inappropriately young boys, whereas - sadly - it is not at all unusual for boys to be interested in inappropriately young girls. Our entire culture socialises men/boys to believe that schoolgirls are sexy whereas girls are under no pressure whatsoever to fancy younger boys.

I am not saying inappropriate older girl/younger boy relationships never happen but they are very rare. So it is being realistic, not sexist, to think that the OP's scenario is less worrying than if the sexes were reversed. Being a feminist doesn't require you to pretend that women commit crimes at the same rate as men

It's just how people talk on social media. A woman I know posted a pic of her dad - he's in his 70's now and she posted a classic pic from the 1940's. I said, knowing full well it was her dad, "And who's this handsome chap?" and she got really upset with me because she thought I was perving over him. It's completely daft.

I don't think this is about it being a boy who is younger or whatever. 'Hot' is just what people say to compliment each other on Facebook, I bet she uses the same comment on her female friends profiles. It's more a way of saying, 'great pic'. I think you are overeacting.

Just a general question - have attitudes changed on this over the years? I was a bit at the age of 20 to discover that my first proper boyfriend (aged 19 when we dated) had been going out with a 14yo girl at his school the year before. This was well known by parents and all, and perfectly acceptable apparently - he couldn't understand why I thought it was weird. That was 2002-ish.

Ok having read the context I would not be concerned about this at all.
Teens just write "hot", on social media pictures to mean "you look nice in this one". It isn't sexual or romantic in the slightest. It's a non-issue!

It annoyed me that it seemed like it's being handwaved because he happens to be a boy

So where are the posts saying 'it's a girl don't worry'? I see mainly posts saying that 'hot' isn't a very meaningful term when used by teenagers.

I would wonder why this girl is even aware of the OP's ds with the most likely reason that she has a sibling in his year, if she doesn't have a connection I'd wonder why they are even FB friends, but if there is a non concerning connection then I would suspect that like many teens she says 'hot' or other equivalent words to any and all selfies posted by any of her FB friends.

Personally I think the main difference at this age is that at 14 most boys look their age or younger where some girls really do look quite a bit older (at least at first glance). My dd at 14 almost got chatted up by the 21 yr old son of a family friend. His mum intervened very quickly and he was totally mortified, but I didn't blame him for being interested.

If all this girl has done has said 'hi' to him at school and posted 'hot' on his FB, then I think OP is overreacting a bit.

I've posted 'hot' to a (gay) male friend's FB post. I definitely didn't mean it in a sexual way, nor did he take it that way.

OP your DS has accepted the sixth formers as friends and is able to block if what they say/comment is inappropriate.
I have a sixth form DS and a year 9 DD. We have a rule that they can only accept friends either side of their year group and that includes boys and girls. It is not just comments on pictures, but older dc are likely to post other things I do not think is appropriate for younger dc.
Likewise my dc are not friends with any adults including family.
You cannot fully protect your DC from everything, but as a parent you can support them to use and be as safe as possible.

I can't believe someone said that 14 is still a baby?

If your DS is being harassed by this young woman (or she acts inappropriately) then of course deal with it.

How many times do we hear of 17-18'year olds being described as 'just a child'? It seems to be a thing on MN.

Infantilising either age doesn't do them any favours.

Plus quite a few 14-15 year olds go out with 17-18 year olds.

On a side note, an ex-friend let her 8yo and 10yo have fb accounts - she let them friend request all of her own friends so some people have no idea of boundaries!

Massive over reaction. Calm down or the next few years is going to be hell for you.

The reason we find it odd/wrong is because of the perceived difference in maturity and therefore power and control. The maturity level between a 14 and 18 is huge but that goes 10 years later. Finding them attractive is normal

I have had numerous requests of friends DC which I will not accept and explain to friends why.
You cannot stop your DC being exposed to older or younger DC because of the way things are shared on social media.
But as a parent I see it as my responsibility to keep them as safe as possible while allowing them to interact with their peers.
My DS will be 18 this year, I can only hope that the conversations we have had over the years will support him to make good choices about social media in the future and he continues to keep himself and others safe.

'Hot' just means 'you look very nice dear' in teen speak.

maybe you should sit him down and personally trawl through his Facebook, deleting all those over 16 who aren't family or been dbs checked.

If the op's DS is accepting and requesting friends outside his friendship group then OP needs to decide if he is mature enough to use social media. If not then she needs to remove it.

If she has a genuine concern about the girl she needs to report it to school.

Good grief op I have 4 teens and older and saying someone is hot is perfectly normal teenage behaviour akin to liking someone.

Please don't make this a big issue or contact the school or get involved on his FB he won't forgive you the embarrassment.

If it's what you say, just on face book, then it's not sexual, not even slightly, you're son has misinterpreted it, I'm sorry. They'd even post it about same gender folks or even their pets or their parents.

It's simply what they say on social media. Often a pisstake, othertimes it's just a compliment, the odds are overwhelmingly she does not think he is hot. In fact if he asked her out or tried it she'd be horrified.

Sorry, he's not really offay with comments on social media and you've screamingly over reacted. You both have. Not sure how you'll break it to him gently that his luck really isn't in. And to say she's not backing off as she said hi is just crazy talk.

I have a nineteen year old daughter, I can see her face book page and all her friends, and have done for years, comments like this are just having a laugh.

I've just got a bad feeling uour son is going to get a massive embarassement and piss take coming his way if he tries it on with this girl. Or tell people she fancies him. He's making a big mistake. Sorry. Based on this there is nothing to assume she fancies him, in fact the opposite, if she did she wouldn't have wrote it. Tell him to stop being a prat.

And 14 is not and definatly should not b a baby.

Anyone regarding their 14 year old as a baby are in for a huge shock.

Without knowing everything, to me, this sounds like flippant comment, that has done wonders for the confidence of a lad who has yet to start puberty

I don't understand the issue

Well... 'hot' doesn't necessarily mean she finds him hot 'hot' (in the sense of... let's jump in bed).
Maybe she thinks he's just a nice kid that could use a confidence boost? Look. Idk.

If you have genuine concerns you need to go to the school. But if there is no concrete concern (no, a smile and a fairly generalised compliment is not enough)... idk. A lot has also to do with trusting your son to be responsible with social media.

You are right, it doesn't matter whether he's male or female. But by putting these pictures out there he is making himself vulnerable to people that genuinely do want to harm him (this young woman maybe or somebody else.) and if you do allow it you have to know that he's mature enough to deal with it. Because maybe this girl doesn't want to harm him. But there may very well be people that do.