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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU : v upset as friend 'forgot' to invite me to another friend's supper party

94 replies

Gonetothebeach · 11/01/2017 19:19

I have a group of very old friends, going back years. I included another friend in this group (let's call her Sarah) & she has enjoyed lots of wonderful social gatherings thanks to me being a kind, inclusive friend. A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from one of the group asking why I hadn't gone to Karen's supper get together... I discovered Karen had seen Sarah and asked her to invite me and Sarah 'forgot'. AIBU to think you actually don't forget to issue an invitation to a friend?? AUBU to think when Sarah pulled up on Karen's drive she didn't think 'omg I've forgotten to invite my lovely friend to this lovely supper. I must call her now !!' I was so upset . I'm thinking it's calculated and she's actually jealous . She said she 'forgot' as she's so 'busy' . How would you guys feel ???

OP posts:
pictish · 11/01/2017 20:41

Thanks. It was a long time ago but I've never forgotten it. x

Crumbs1 · 11/01/2017 20:43

I think you are overreacting massively. I suspect it was a genuine oversight and they were mortified when they found out. They may then have felt it was less hurtful to say nothing - which is always a mistake. If they are friends surely you can have that conversation?
I know we once completely forgot to turn up to a supper party. I hadn't mentioned it to my husband so entirely my fault. We'd had a huge risotto for supper and settled down for a nice gentle evening. The phone rang and it was the host. I pretended we were just running very late, we threw clothes on and rushed to house arriving nearly an hour late. We then had to force down a generous four course meal. Eventually we came clean and host told us she had guessed but was so cross she had given us extra huge portions. People do get things wrong with no malice intended. People then try to cover their tracks - and that is usually the mistake. We should have been honest to start with. Luckily host saw funny side and was able to forgive us.

peroxidebrown · 11/01/2017 20:51

It sounds as though there's a wider issue with the group. Even being scatty I would text my friend on the day saying "see you later" or if she didn't materialise I would say "why isn't X here?" And then when the other said "shit I forgot to invite her!" Someone would ring you!

Mindtrope · 11/01/2017 20:52

she has enjoyed lots of wonderful social gatherings thanks to me being a kind, inclusive friend.

I hope that's not a serious comment.

SpookyPotato · 11/01/2017 22:09

I think there could be something going on but Karen really should have invited you herself. It takes 30 seconds to send a quick text..

MrsDustyBusty · 11/01/2017 22:21

I hope that's not a serious comment.

Indeed. Poor Sarah, if all her lovely friends are that lovely to her.

Pinotwoman82 · 11/01/2017 22:22

I think your anger is misdirected, Karen should really have invited you herself.
I can see myself doing exactly as Sarah, Karen mentioning it to Sarah, Sarah walking away going about her business, totally forgetting to let you know, the evening comes along, Sarah remembering she was meant to let you know, but then thinking to herself well of course Karen would have text you of course she would. Sarah getting to Karen's and thinking holy shit you are not there. Why is Karen allowed to be busy but not Sarah?

Magzmarsh · 11/01/2017 22:22

Did the op fall down a rabbit hole?

Waterfeature · 11/01/2017 22:24

Can someone please explain the meaning and origin of "Wendying"?!

38cody · 11/01/2017 22:31

She may have genuinely forgotten - depends how casually Karen asked her to pass on the msg too. Sounds unlikely but possible. Only you know if she's likely to be capable of this.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 11/01/2017 22:43

Waterfeature A poster started a thread with something like 'I have a friend, let's call her 'Wendy' who.....' This Wendy became friends with the poster, joined her friend group and then manipulated and twisted things so that the poster was ostracized from the group while the Wendy took her place.

Since then being 'Wendied' on Mumsnet means you have introduced a new friend to your friend group and the new friend manipulates things so that you lose your old friends and are discarded from the group.

melj1213 · 11/01/2017 23:04

Honestly, did you have zero contact with Karen between her asking Sarah to pass on the invite and the supper? Or with anyone else who was attending the supper party?

I know if I was Karen and in casual conversation with the OP I'd at least ask "Oh, btw did Sarah mention the supper party on Friday only I hadn't heard if you could come?" and then if the OP had no clue, I'd be thinking "Sarah must have forgotten, good job I mentioned it!" and invited the OP and if the OP knew then I'd be thinking "Oh good, Sarah remembered, now I know OP is definitely coming/can't make it"

I also know in my friendship circle that, if we're all going to someone's house for a get together, at least one or two of us will send a message asking if anyone needs/wants a lift or to walk over together or to check what time we're all geting there or to ask what drinks everyone is taking (we usually all bring a bottle to share, but try to co-ordinate so we bring a selection- and we don't all rock up with a bottle of vodka and no wine) or any number of other questions ... yet the OP hasn't spoken to anyone who has even mentioned it in passing?

And of course, on the night when everyone else was there and OP wasn't did nobody ask where she was if she was expected? Did Sarah fess up that she'd forgotten? Even if that was the case did nobody call and say "So so sorry! Miscommunication meant everyone thought everyone else had told you about tonight but turns out nobody actually did ask you! Anyway, we're having a girls night - just supper and a few drinks, any chance you can make it for a couple of hours? If not we'll definitely have to get together for coffee!"

Sounds like you're geting Wendied in this case.

bloodyteenagers · 11/01/2017 23:11

Do you treat people in real life like this op? Start a conversation and never return.

AllTheBabies · 11/01/2017 23:13

How did you find out about the party?

I think Sarah is being used here. I bet she was never actually asked to invite you. Either Karen forgot herself or for some reason she didn't want you there.

JennyHolzersGhost · 11/01/2017 23:18

Karen's fault. I'd be fucked off if someone invited me at second hand, unless I only knew them through that person. Why didn't Karen invite you ?! I'd be wary of both of them TBH. No action required but keep a watching brief.

Waterfeature · 12/01/2017 00:09

Thanks themysterious.

There's a lot of it about...

Sciurus83 · 12/01/2017 07:30

Karen's fault, in the day of smartphones WhatsApp and Facebook there's no reason for not contacting you directly unless she doesn't have your contacts, in which case you can't be that good friends. Also, who hosts a party where they are prepping food and doesn't confirm how many people are coming?

Am I the only one who the phrase "supper party" makes shudder?! Dinner party, just party, but supper party?! Is this a thing?

londonrach · 12/01/2017 07:37

Surely karens house Karen invites you.

KERALA1 · 12/01/2017 07:44

In this day and age of ultra communication this second hand invite thing doesn't add up

Spring2016 · 12/01/2017 07:49

Karen should have invited you, it was her event.

Namechanger2015 · 12/01/2017 07:51

Unless there is a massive backstory I'd put this down to being a genuine mistake.

AlmaMartyr · 12/01/2017 08:05

I think it was Karen's responsibility, not Sarah. If I was Sarah, it would be the kind of thing that I might forget (since it wasn't actually my party) but I would assume that the host would invite the guests they wanted anyway.

It could be a genuine mistake, and things do happen. Like others though, I've had the experience of having a couple of 'mistakes' like this happen before realising that it was deliberate and my friends didn't really like me. Not wendied, just excluded. It stung like hell.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2017 08:14

Kerala has it. It isn't possible in this age of smartphones to miss out on important social communication.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 12/01/2017 08:19

I think Karen is at fault here! Why didn't she say to Sarah "oh is GoneTo coming this evening?" at the time? Why are you being asked second hand after the event why you weren't there? I'd be really upset but it sounds a bit like Karen and Sarah both planned to exclude you and Karen is throwing Sarah under the bus trying to blame her!

Do you really think they both forgot about you til after the event?! Even if true, that's not a nice thing for friends to do.

Have either apologised? They don't sound much like friends to me, sorry OP :(

Scooby20 · 12/01/2017 08:21

I think you are being lied to. By karen and possibly sarah and possibly the rest of them.

Why is it ok for karen to be scatty and too busy to invite you, but not ok for sarah to forget?

And why when they realised you werent there wasn't there a converstation about where you were?

The friend that asked you where you were didnt mention it on the night? No one called you when they realised you had been forgotten?