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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why coming out is a big deal

98 replies

Princessmanuka · 11/01/2017 01:32

Now that Kendall Jenner is preparing to come out (as gay), AIBU to wonder why this is made out to be something huge?
Surely this is 2017 and who really cares? Confused

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/01/2017 01:42

You'd be surprised. Still very hard for professional sportspeople (men in particular), actors, and singers who aim at youth/teen markets to be out. Too many worries that it hurts their appeal. And plenty of ordinary folk still get grief from their families, though it's got a lot better.

AmeliaJack · 11/01/2017 01:47

Because (sadly) there's still lots of homophobia out there.

PerspicaciaTick · 11/01/2017 02:02

How is she preparing to come out. Surely you are either out or not. Has she said anything herself or is it rumours?

ilovesooty · 11/01/2017 02:50

Try dealing with prejudice and fear of disclosure in all sorts of settings, whether or not you're in the public eye and then try saying it's no big deal.

MooseyMouse · 11/01/2017 05:18

Because, unless you come out over and over and over again, people assume you're straight. And I know loads of people will say "I never assume anything - I don't even think about it" but that's not representative of my life as a gay person...

"What does your husband do?"

"What contraception do you use?"

"I bet your kids' dad has dark hair for them to be so dark"

"Is that other woman who picks the kids up your childminder?"

"Since this is a joint mortgage application, I'll need to take your husband's details too"

"To sell you double glazing, we'll need to come round when you and your husband are in"

"Welcome to the NCT class. We'll split into two groups... Mums over there, dads over there and, oh, erm your partner can just pick whichever group she wants"

"Passport application form: Mother's details... Father's details"

It's absolutely endless.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2017 05:27

It shouldn't be a big deal. No one should ever assume anything about anyone's sexuality. But it's there, pretty much from birth. Assumptions and pressure.

I wish it was always like my little niece... "blah blah, girlfriend came over blah", "oh blah, didn't know you were seeing someone, is she nice?" "yes, blah blah blah".

Should be like that. Isn't.

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 11/01/2017 05:40

Unfortunately for a lot of people, it's still something remarkable, and not necessarily in a nice way.

Colleague: "hey, Shut, apparently Julie from Finance, she is... You know..."
Me: "she's what?"
Colleague: "well, you know. She's a lesbian"
Me: erm, ok. And???
Colleague : and nothing. But she is, it's true. Jim from marketing told me. Ask him if you don't believe me
Me: why should I care?
Colleague: well, I don't know. But she is!
Me: Confused

I have had countless versions of this kind of conversation over the years. I once asked why no one ever reported that people were straight, and they looked at me like I had just landed from the moon Grin

MsHoneyBee · 11/01/2017 05:53

Because there is prejudice all over the world, still. Ranging from the mild to the lethal. The more representation there is the better, so that it is eventually a non-story.

Nataleejah · 11/01/2017 05:56

I have had countless versions of this kind of conversation over the years. I once asked why no one ever reported that people were straight, and they looked at me like I had just landed from the moon

Pffff... All the time. Things like, do you know -- Katey is dating Steve?! OMG! James asked Jane out! Imagine that! I saw Lizzie at the pub last night... with Dave!

MagicChicken · 11/01/2017 06:01

Now that Kendall Jenner is preparing to come out (as gay)

I'll wager that Kendall Jenner will be going back in again at some point in the future. And we can look forward to reading all about it.

Pluto30 · 11/01/2017 06:10

Er, where'd you read that Kendall Jenner is "preparing to come out"?

If it's out that she's "preparing" to come out, then she's already out, surely. And I can't find anything of the sort online.

picklemepopcorn · 11/01/2017 06:16

Because anyone alive more than twenty odd years remembers it being really shocking.

RoseGoldHippie · 11/01/2017 06:34

Has she not been in the papers a lot recently? That's normally when celebs 'come out' before going back in a few years later.

I don't care either way, it's a bit like the Cheryl pregnancy thing that again, don't understand why anyone actually gave a shot about!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/01/2017 06:37

Now that Kendall Jenner is preparing to come out (as gay)

How do you 'prepare to come out' and leak it to the press Either you come out or you don't, surely.

user1471545174 · 11/01/2017 06:40

MagicChicken I couldn't agree more Grin

CaoNiMa · 11/01/2017 06:43

So disingenuous, OP - for all the good reasons others have cited. It's still a huge deal, on a daily basis, even in the so-called liberal west.

SVJAA · 11/01/2017 06:52

Because, unfortunately, people still make a big deal over it. As my poor DSD is discovering after coming out. The things people have said to her make me sick and angry in equal measure, her own mother included.

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 08:43

MooseyMouse

Not a single one of your quotes was offensive, was it? We tend to assume 'normal' unless otherwise. We'd refer to someone with typically male features, dress and name as 'he'. We assume people are NT unless told otherwise. I'd offer someone a bacon sandwich if they were in my house and I was making one instead of assuming they wouldn't eat it (religious or vege.).

Would you assume that we banished the phrase 'husband and wife' and replaced them with life partners should someone be accidentally offended.

"Welcome to the NCT class. We'll split into two groups... Mums over there, dads over there and, oh, erm your partner can just pick whichever group she wants"

Using this as an example of a problem is particularly unusual. Of course there are two bloody groups. The ones pushing a baby out of their vagina, breast feeding, maternity leave etc and those supporting the former. Would 'baby carriers' and 'partners of baby carriers' be better? In this instance, assuming your partner wasn't pregnant, she should be with the Dads. If neither of you were you should both be.

You sound like you're looking for offence.

This is nothing to do with actual homophobia which I've witnessed, lost a good friend to and is an entirely different matter.

Barbara

Maybe she thought Julie from Finance was hot...

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 08:45

quick edit.

By 'normal' in my previous post I meant the most common. Typical. Average.

There was no implied judgement there.

MoonDuke · 11/01/2017 08:50

I've often thought that some stars should come out as straight- just to show how ridiculous it is to have to announce your sexuality

Bette85 · 11/01/2017 08:58

Don't know who Kendall Jenner is but YABU if you think it's no big deal. Coming out is a scary thing to do and risky - You can lose your family, lose friends, be treated less favourably and worse.

WinnieTheWilt · 11/01/2017 09:00

I've no idea who Kendall Jenner is but the fact of his/her coming out being deemed newsworthy answers your question.

BoiledSprouts · 11/01/2017 09:01

I work in the entertainment industry and you would not believe the pressure actors are under to stay closeted. Not so much in this country but def in the USA.

idontlikealdi · 11/01/2017 09:04

Because unfortunately there are a lot of homophobic idiots out there. Still.

scottishdiem · 11/01/2017 09:07

OP - it is still a thing because of the way society is structured and responds to it. Even where there is no homophobia or violence (which is a very regular thing as well) the assumption is that someone is straight and that is the norm that is protected. As ailPartout has shown.