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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop this girl comming round after school?

118 replies

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 14:15

My daughter started at a special secondary school last year. She now gets a bus to school which stops outside our house. A 16 year old girl who catches the same bus, took a liking to my DD. She came up the first time with her mum and our girls played while the mum chatted to me and my DH. When the mum said that her DD would like to come and play with my DD, I said that would be lovely as they seemed to get along so well. Until then, my daughter wouldn't have friends in the house at all!
The problem is that now my DD is starting to realise that she's not very compatible with this girl, who is mentally much less able than my daughter. She enjoys very demanding, repetitive imaginary play. My daughter does enjoy the same, but on her own, following her own rules and with no one watching. The friend won't watch a film or play on the computer, so it's all quite intense for my DD.
The mum of this girl has told us that she has mental health problems and that her daughter is classed as her carer. The mum has started texting her daughter or the taxi escort lady telling them that her daughter must get off at my house as she's not well or won't be there to look after her. She doesn't even text me to let me know, or thank me for having her at all. She just assumes that it's fine for me to have her!
Now my daughter has started to say that she doesn't want her to come around anymore and asking what excuse she can make, then getting rather anxious that she'll believe her.
I've tried stopping her from getting off the bus at ours before, kind of trying to hold the bus, while saying we are going out etc, but she is very pushy and will demand to come in anyways, by saying that she just needs to drop something off, pick something up etc. She's even said 'I'll wait until you leave, then I'll go home'.
I think I must nip this in the bud, so I'm thinking of texting her mum to say that my daughter is going through a difficult time with her social anxiety and doesn't want anyone in her house after school for the time being. I'll let you know if this changes, but for now could you please make sure X knows not to get off the bus at our house. Thanks.
Do you think that's ok? Or is there a better way of letting her know? I've only met this woman twice, so I'm not at all concerned about ruining a friendship, but at the same time don't want to upset her or her daughter too much.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 10/01/2017 16:05

Areyoufree, this girl has significant sn. Authorities do need to be informed about what is going on.

titchy · 10/01/2017 16:06

Are you free OP said she has the mental age of a 6-7 year old. Have you made that phone call yet?

ATailofTwoKitties · 10/01/2017 16:07

But that isn't what should be happening.
If the responsible adult is not at home, the taxi company should take the girl to Social Services.

These are our guidelines (and I imagine other LAs are similar):
'If parents are not at home to collect their children and leave no alternative address, the only solution for us is to take their child to Social Care and Health or the Police Station. If this happens transport will be cancelled until parents ensure they will be at home in future.

For safety reasons we cannot leave children with anybody unless the parents have instructed us, in writing, to do so.'

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 16:09

For safety reasons we cannot leave children with anybody unless the parents have instructed us, in writing, to do so

And presumably, that the person concerned is willing to take the child.

Areyoufree · 10/01/2017 16:11

The OP said that the girl's mother had said she had a mental age of 6-7, but that doesn't tell us a lot. That could be an age from an educational point of view - maybe she reads and writes at the age of a 6-7 year old. I still think cutting them off completely without taking a closer look at the situation is wrong.

Love51 · 10/01/2017 16:12

Just focusing on your daughter (as I agree about reporting your concerns about the other girl) - your daughter doesn't need an excuse.'My Mum said no, not tonight' should cover it for a 6 (cognitively) year old, surely? Get her to practise. It's true, so should assuage the guilt about lying!

rollonthesummer · 10/01/2017 16:16

Write to/email the school and write to the cab company putting it in writing that they can't drop her off at yours. I'd explain your safeguarding concerns to the Head if the school too.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 16:16

Maybe she just needs a little help from time to time

It seems like it's every day after school. Why is the OP's responsibility just because she has a daughter at the same school?

My mum got guilt-tripped into being heavily involved with a family whose daughter has SN. It has caused a lot of arguments between her and me because she thinks I am an unfeeling cow and I think she's being taken for a ride. We've known this family since she was 3 and I was 4 and although her mum looked after me occasionally when my mum had to work the ratio of things they've done for her and vice versa is about 95% her and 5% them. My mum was recovering from an operation about two years ago and they wanted her to run them to hospital to save the taxi fare (they're loaded by the way). Just because you have mental health problems and a child with SN doesn't mean you can take advantage of other people. although I appreciate if you had cancer everyone would be falling over themselves to help.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 16:17

But people are less willing to help with mental health issues and mental capacity-related SN.

Blatherskite · 10/01/2017 16:20

Maybe she just needs a little help from time to time

The maybe she should find someone willing to help rather than just dumping her child on anyone available!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 16:28

No no chuffing you have to put your dd and her needs first, if this woukd upset here you do not pick her up and take her to your house. But you do need to report the mum to SS, and tell school. The more this family are on the radar, they can get the help they need.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 16:29

Mrfavourite, I hope your mum started saying no to her, especially on this occasion.

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 10/01/2017 16:29

I find it very strange that the taxi/escort would allow her to be dropped at yours. In our county they have to be collected and dropped off at the same address each day.

Is your DD getting the bus or taxi as you speak about a bus and a taxi escort lady.

Strongmummy · 10/01/2017 16:35

You are absolutely right in needing to set boundaries and I agree with the posters who've said that your text needs to be firmer, e.g due to my daughters social anxiety we will no longer be able to have x over after school. Please ensure she's aware of this. However, like you, I'd be very concerned for the daughter. It sounds as though she really doesn't want to spend time at home hence coming to yours. I'd definitely involve the school and see if they feel SS need to be informed.

Miserylovescompany2 · 10/01/2017 16:39

I would report this to the school. They'll have their own safe guarding protocol to follow. This child is not your responsibility. There should be someone ready to collect her at the stop. You could also inform SEN transport of the issue.

The mother needs to step up to the plate and start being there, not fobbing off her responsibilities out on others.

Slimmingsnake · 10/01/2017 16:54

Oh dear...this would stress me out too.good luck

Megatherium · 10/01/2017 16:57

Even if she'd come back in the taxi or walked up if there was no one home, I'd look after her until someone else could. I would never risk her being left alone.

There is absolutely no need for this. The taxi company have to ensure that there is someone at home when they drop her off; if there isn't, they call social services who will ensure she isn't left alone. What they cannot do is just drop her off at another parent's house, even if that parent has been prepared to have the child in the past.

Most local authority transport policies state that they will only drop children at their homes, and they won't drop them with child minders or relatives. Can you check whether yours does that? In any event the LA shouldn't just act on a text from a parent telling them to drop the child off with another one on the bus without checking that that is OK with the second parent.

I think you need to email the cab company NOW, copying it to the local authority transport department, making it clear that they will never be authorised to drop this child off with you unless you specifically tell them so in writing in advance.

Slimmingsnake · 10/01/2017 16:59

It's very easy to get taken for a ride with people.once someone sees they get something once,they push for more...people take advantage if you let them.the trick is knowing when to nip it in the bud

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 10/01/2017 17:05

I know it's a wider issue, but your immediate one:

As PP says, the transport for special provisions is arranged by the local authority who employ and supervise the escorts. This is a transport issue that they need to know and they need to fix. School will have the number, ask them to please ring the LA transport number and state to them that transport is not to drop off at your address, you do not agree to take responsibility for the child, and that you have explained this to the parent but she is not taking this on board. Transport will then officially inform the escorts that the girl isn't to be dropped with you. (I'm slightly Hmm that the escorts have dropped the child to you just on mum's say so and wonder if the LA transport office might be too)

School also need to talk to the girl and explain she cannot get off the taxi and come to you, no matter what mum has said. If she's likely to try to get off anyway and insist, then the LA transport may need to move one of the girls to a different taxi.

You then leave it to the taxi/escorts and transport to deal with the situation if they arrive at the girl's house and no one is there to receive her. They have standard procedures of what to do and the girl will be safe and cared for until they can get hold of mum.

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 17:07

I mean it's sad about the baby's first steps. My typing is slow as I've broken my wrist
I feel sorry for you as well, you have broken your wrist and then you have to deal with this as well.

alltouchedout · 10/01/2017 17:08

It is the case that hearsay cannot be reported to soc services so the school cannot pass it in

That's not so. The school can and should report to social services that x parent has informed them of y concerns about z's home life.

The escort needs to listen to you when you tell them the child is not to be dropped off to you. Their failings need highlighting to the school and to social care. The school should be made aware of your concerns and if I were you, I would also inform social care of my concerns.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 10/01/2017 17:09

Just to add: if the girls have an escort then this is about sorting it with the escort who has the responsibility to receive, care for and hand over the girls, and not the taxi firm.

Which gets you out of getting more involved and chasing around giving your time for sending emails and making phone calls.

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 17:10

There is no reason why a 16 year old with SN could not be carer for her mother
Seriously??

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 10/01/2017 17:11

Taxi?? Bus! Sorry. All works exactly the same for transport/escorts/buses.

Clearly I need more gin.

Megatherium · 10/01/2017 17:23

School will have the number, ask them to please ring the LA transport number and state to them that transport is not to drop off at your address, you do not agree to take responsibility for the child, and that you have explained this to the parent but she is not taking this on board.

No, don't do this, call the transport department yourself and confirm it in writing.