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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop this girl comming round after school?

118 replies

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 14:15

My daughter started at a special secondary school last year. She now gets a bus to school which stops outside our house. A 16 year old girl who catches the same bus, took a liking to my DD. She came up the first time with her mum and our girls played while the mum chatted to me and my DH. When the mum said that her DD would like to come and play with my DD, I said that would be lovely as they seemed to get along so well. Until then, my daughter wouldn't have friends in the house at all!
The problem is that now my DD is starting to realise that she's not very compatible with this girl, who is mentally much less able than my daughter. She enjoys very demanding, repetitive imaginary play. My daughter does enjoy the same, but on her own, following her own rules and with no one watching. The friend won't watch a film or play on the computer, so it's all quite intense for my DD.
The mum of this girl has told us that she has mental health problems and that her daughter is classed as her carer. The mum has started texting her daughter or the taxi escort lady telling them that her daughter must get off at my house as she's not well or won't be there to look after her. She doesn't even text me to let me know, or thank me for having her at all. She just assumes that it's fine for me to have her!
Now my daughter has started to say that she doesn't want her to come around anymore and asking what excuse she can make, then getting rather anxious that she'll believe her.
I've tried stopping her from getting off the bus at ours before, kind of trying to hold the bus, while saying we are going out etc, but she is very pushy and will demand to come in anyways, by saying that she just needs to drop something off, pick something up etc. She's even said 'I'll wait until you leave, then I'll go home'.
I think I must nip this in the bud, so I'm thinking of texting her mum to say that my daughter is going through a difficult time with her social anxiety and doesn't want anyone in her house after school for the time being. I'll let you know if this changes, but for now could you please make sure X knows not to get off the bus at our house. Thanks.
Do you think that's ok? Or is there a better way of letting her know? I've only met this woman twice, so I'm not at all concerned about ruining a friendship, but at the same time don't want to upset her or her daughter too much.
What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:24

I feel sorry for her too. I do wonder how different she could be with the right input. Her mum told us that she never reads to her, just as an example. We were quite speechless as we are a family of readers/ writers. Even my daughter can now read quite well and has always had a love of books. I do think it's really sad.

OP posts:

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 15:26

If I were you I think that if it were at all possible I would collect my daughter from school for the next two weeks after notifying someone that this girl is not to be dropped off at your house.

That way hopefully something will actually be done about this girl because right now it looks like no one is doing anything about it.

OhSuckItUpDucky · 10/01/2017 15:26

Do not change your daughters routine , it's not fair on her
Ring social services
Ring the school too , they can also speak to the escort
This family needs help

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:26

I do need to be firmer, you're right. People have told me this my whole life.

OP posts:

UnbornMortificado · 10/01/2017 15:28

There is no way that child should be acting as a carer for her mam.

I can sympathetic with MH issues. It must be challenging dealing with that and her DD but I would never expect my DD (12 no SN) to take on my household tasks or care for me.

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 15:30

Her mum told us that she never reads to her, just as an example
This reminds me of a woman I used to know.

One day I was in her house and I was trying to encourage her toddler to walk and she took her first proper steps.

I shouted out, "hey P, babyK is walking" and she said "Later I'm making a fag".

I mean how awful she was too busy making a fag to see her toddler's first steps.

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 15:30

If I were you I think that if it were at all possible I would collect my daughter from school for the next two weeks after notifying someone that this girl is not to be dropped off at your house.

That way hopefully something will actually be done about this girl because right now it looks like no one is doing anything about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 15:30

Chuffing you absolutely do not have to have this girl, and if the taxi company has said her mum, told them to drop her off at your house, tell them no, I know of no such arrangements, and for them to take her back and follow proceedure. I would absolutely contact the taxi company in writing to inform them of this, as well as in person, and to inform the school of what is going on, as well as the girls home circumstances.

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 15:31

Sorry about repeating the same comment there, I honestly don't know how that happened.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 15:32

The taxi company is in the wrong and is not following correct procedure, if you were both happy with this arrangement, mum and yourself would need to write to the taxi company informing them of this, the council's transport section, and the school. The taxi company have not followed correct proceedure, and I would contact the Council, who contracts them.

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:33

That is so sad!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 15:34

Yes chuffing you absolutely need to be assertive to the taxi company, what they are doing is wrong. They have to take her, try her house, if nobody is home, they need to follow correct proceedure.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 15:35

It sounds to me like the escort are not following procedure. Why do they assume that what the mum is saying is trumping what you are saying.

You: I've not agreed to have [girl]

Escort: But her mum says you have, so here's [girl].

What the actual wotsit?

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 15:35

A few cross-posts there!

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:36

I mean it's sad about the baby's first steps. My typing is slow as I've broken my wrist.

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 10/01/2017 15:36

It is the case that hearsay cannot be reported to soc services so the school cannot pass it in.
You need to ring soc services emergency team and report concerns yourself.
And yes do it without delay .

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:41

Yes pretty much.. on Friday I did make them take her home. I told them that the mother hadn't arranged this with me and that she's done it before. I probably sounded a bit put out too. It won't come as much of a surprise to them that I'm going to stop her coming.

OP posts:

titchy · 10/01/2017 15:47

OP can you stop posting for a few minutes and phone either the school or a duty social worker. Your 'letting everyone walk all over you' is putting this child at risk NOW.

Spikeyball · 10/01/2017 15:49

If the taxi company do not do as you have asked, you can report them to the local authority school transport department. They will take the dropping off where they shouldn't, very seriously.

zen1 · 10/01/2017 15:50

If you have told the taxi/minibus driver and escort that there are no arrangements in place for the girl to be dropped at your house and that you can not take responsibility for her, then they should take her back to her address where, as pp have said, correct safeguarding procedures must be followed. In my borough, there are stric guidelines that if you are not at home when the bus comes to drop off your DC, social services will be informed.

orangetree99 · 10/01/2017 15:51

Can't add anything to the good advice you already have but just wanted to say being classed as a young carer has certain financial advantages and I do know that social services/family support workers do try and get children registered as young carers, even as in this case they have their own needs, because it is a much needed extra source of money through various grants and funding projects.

ChuckSnowballs · 10/01/2017 15:51

The lady said that her mum had already text her to tell them to drop her at ours as she wasn't very well! The girl overheard our conversation in the bus and said "That's right, I have to get off at A's because mum won't be home, she's going shopping."

And you said 'Well, not my problem to be honest, she is not to come to my house after school' to the lady?

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:54

No, my daughter told me about the shopping thing a while after the taxi had left

OP posts:

Areyoufree · 10/01/2017 15:56

Any reason you can't just approach the woman directly? Maybe she is struggling, and is taking advantage of any help she can get. I can't believe the attitude of this thread - this woman has been painted as a neglectful chancer on very little evidence. Kids exaggerate - the house may not have been that bad. I walked dogs on my own at 11. And, having SN does not make you totally incapable! There is no reason why a 16 year old with SN could not be carer for her mother - it's not an ideal situation, but we don't live in an ideal world. It could be the best option they have right now.

I am absolutely not saying you should have to continue taking care of her child in this way - I agree that this is unacceptable. But don't just ignore her and call social services before going round for a chat. Maybe she just needs a little help from time to time.

Original poster

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:57

Even if she'd come back in the taxi or walked up if there was no one home, I'd look after her until someone else could. I would never risk her being left alone.

OP posts:

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