Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop this girl comming round after school?

118 replies

chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 14:15

My daughter started at a special secondary school last year. She now gets a bus to school which stops outside our house. A 16 year old girl who catches the same bus, took a liking to my DD. She came up the first time with her mum and our girls played while the mum chatted to me and my DH. When the mum said that her DD would like to come and play with my DD, I said that would be lovely as they seemed to get along so well. Until then, my daughter wouldn't have friends in the house at all!
The problem is that now my DD is starting to realise that she's not very compatible with this girl, who is mentally much less able than my daughter. She enjoys very demanding, repetitive imaginary play. My daughter does enjoy the same, but on her own, following her own rules and with no one watching. The friend won't watch a film or play on the computer, so it's all quite intense for my DD.
The mum of this girl has told us that she has mental health problems and that her daughter is classed as her carer. The mum has started texting her daughter or the taxi escort lady telling them that her daughter must get off at my house as she's not well or won't be there to look after her. She doesn't even text me to let me know, or thank me for having her at all. She just assumes that it's fine for me to have her!
Now my daughter has started to say that she doesn't want her to come around anymore and asking what excuse she can make, then getting rather anxious that she'll believe her.
I've tried stopping her from getting off the bus at ours before, kind of trying to hold the bus, while saying we are going out etc, but she is very pushy and will demand to come in anyways, by saying that she just needs to drop something off, pick something up etc. She's even said 'I'll wait until you leave, then I'll go home'.
I think I must nip this in the bud, so I'm thinking of texting her mum to say that my daughter is going through a difficult time with her social anxiety and doesn't want anyone in her house after school for the time being. I'll let you know if this changes, but for now could you please make sure X knows not to get off the bus at our house. Thanks.
Do you think that's ok? Or is there a better way of letting her know? I've only met this woman twice, so I'm not at all concerned about ruining a friendship, but at the same time don't want to upset her or her daughter too much.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2017 14:48

I agree Justme, inform the school of what is happening, and what mum has told you,everthing you have told us her, and tell the escort and driver not to drop off the girl to your house, there are no arrangements at all. If there is nobody home, they will have to contact the school who will try and contact the mum, if not SS will be contacted probably.

PurpleMinionMummy · 10/01/2017 14:49

Yes that's fine. Taxis should only drop off with parents/guardians too afaik? So simply tell them no they can't leave her at yours and must take her home.

Justme3 · 10/01/2017 14:51

Yes contact the school today.
Get them to contact transport and say do NOT allow the child to get off the bus at yours.
This is the escorts responsibility not yours.
They may be aware at school but don't assume they do know the severity of the situation.
You need to speak to the school and ask them advice and you need to clearly state you believe it's a safeguarding issue.

You could also call SS and ask them to chase up but go to the school first. .
You need to stress to your school that you are being put in an unsafe position for you and your daughter whereby this child is trying to get off at your house.
I repeat it is NOT your responsibility to stop her getting off the bus it is the transports

Original poster
chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 14:51

Thanks everyone. Yes, the daughter who is 16 but has the mental age of about 6-7, according to her mum and possible autism, is the carer for her mum. She does get visits from a young carers worker.
I will definitely have a word with the school.

OP posts:
MusicToMyEars800 · 10/01/2017 14:52

there's some concerns here, a SN child is a carer for her mum?!! making young girls walk the dog on their own at night, eating outside and lots of rubbish in the house.. send the text to the mum but if I were you i'd also voice those concerns to the school, it sounds like something isn't right at home, and it isn't right for the mother to be basically palming you off with her daughter.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 10/01/2017 14:53

You really really really need to pass this information on.
Safeguarding children is everyone's business.
Can you Google to see if you have a local MASH (Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub)?
They will have a number you can call to report annoymously, it might be that they have already had reports from concerned neighbours or even from the school. Then your report could be the final straw that prompts someone to look more closely.

MusicToMyEars800 · 10/01/2017 14:54

there are not there's

Justme3 · 10/01/2017 14:56

I do have to respectfully disagree that you shouldn't text

You need to report this to as many places as you can but you need to not be involved personally as much as is possible.

Helenluvsrob · 10/01/2017 14:58

Let school know. It's a safeguarding matter that Mum " doesn't feel able" to look after her DD etc.

My friends who's son had a taxi to special school was told it would be a safeguarding referral if she wasn't basically in the front window looking out for them as he was dropped at the door! He had to be watched to co up the path and in the house, even at 18, and heading out for a supported role in the work force . OK he probably had the independence level of a year 6 then, so was able when Mum was in charge to go to the Spar on the corner ( no roads) buy something and come home again ( maybe with the wrong change but still!)

Original poster
chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 14:58

That's brilliant, thank you. I'll do that. I'm glad it can be anonymous too. There are too many issues adding up to go unreported.

OP posts:
Justme3 · 10/01/2017 14:59

As Helen says - parents need to see their children home.
If you get involved texting this woman you're opening yourself up to a "she texted me saying she'd have her but then she called me then this then that" situation.
It isn't your issue, and it's dangerous for you to be in it , it's between school transport and home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2017 15:00

I hope you manage to get some boundaries in place with them. Poor girl trying to look after her mother. What in the world?
I would definitely report the situation.

PersianCatLady · 10/01/2017 15:01

The mum of this girl has told us that she has mental health problems and that her daughter is classed as her carer
Sorry let me get this right.

A child with special needs is classed as a carer for an adult with mental health issues????

Surely that puts unnecessary stress and demands on the poor girl???

HardofCleaning · 10/01/2017 15:02

Thanks everyone. Yes, the daughter who is 16 but has the mental age of about 6-7, according to her mum and possible autism, is the carer for her mum.

Shock I do feel sorry for that poor girl and I'm fairly shocked that a girl with a mental age of 6-7 can be just dropped off with anyone other than their parent or guardian without prior arrangement.

Megatherium · 10/01/2017 15:10

You need to let the cab company know in writing that this girl cannot be dropped at yours - don't just tell the escort and driver, you need to make sure the situation is clear and documented.

Original poster
chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:11

Yes, last Friday I phoned the escort lady to say not to drop the girl with me today as I'm not feeling too great. The lady said that her mum had already text her to tell them to drop her at ours as she wasn't very well! The girl overheard our conversation in the bus and said "That's right, I have to get off at A's because mum won't be home, she's going shopping." Shock Blooming cheek!

OP posts:
Giddyaunt18 · 10/01/2017 15:12

YANBU, you have to put your DD first. Play dates now and then would be kind but this mother is using you and your DD.

Giddyaunt18 · 10/01/2017 15:13

You need to let the cab company know in writing that this girl cannot be dropped at yours - don't just tell the escort and driver, you need to make sure the situation is clear and documented.

This. Then if possible I would arrange to collect your DD from school personally and go out for an hour and do this for a few days.

BasinHaircut · 10/01/2017 15:17

OP you need to be firm today in that case. Do not let her off the bus with you and make it clear to the escort that this is not an arrangement agreed by you and you categorically do not take responsibility for someone else's child on their whim. If her mother isn't home then that is the problem of the escort to resolve.

Lumberries · 10/01/2017 15:19

Oh God that poor family :( It sounds like such a mess, they need help. Report report report!

hungryhippo90 · 10/01/2017 15:19

Wow, I might be projecting here, but how sad. I really feel for this poor girl.

Please help her get some extra support.

Original poster
chuffinalong · 10/01/2017 15:19

That's a good point, we could try picking her up on the days that the girl likes to get of at ours. I'm not sure my DD would cope well with this change , but she might go along with it to stop the girl coming.

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 10/01/2017 15:20

Omg every reason then to say I don't want our girls to be friends. she sounds irresponsible 😱.

HecateAntaia · 10/01/2017 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peanutbutterrules · 10/01/2017 15:24

It sounds like you're going to have to be firm and not make excuses about not feeling well. Just stick to 'this isn't working for us, she isn't to be dropped at ours'.

Yikes.