to think that this won't be a "holiday"?

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I'm completely prepared to be told that IABU as I'm really torn about this and I probably am being completely unreasonable. I just need some honest opinions (hence braving AIBU) to decide what to do.

Right, my country of birth is in Asia. I have lived there for 13yrs and I have lived in England for nearly 24yrs.
I have 2 DCs 8 and 6. I have never taken them to my birth country. My parents live here and have been for the last 24yrs. My aunt and uncle and my cousins also live here and so I only have a few relatives left in that country.
Last time I went there was 12 years ago after I got married (DH is English).
My parents are in their 70s now and I'm their only child. They want me to take the kids to this country for a holiday and show them off to their extended families and friends and also show them the country.

Now under normal circumstances this wouldn't be a problem but my concerns are that..

1. No direct flight there unless we travel down to Heathrow which would add on a few extra hours to the already long flight.
2. Cost would be nearly £4K for just the flights for four of us, but my parents offered to pay half, but it's not about the money really, we do have the money.
3. DH is not keen (but would go if I insist) as he spend much of his time there on his previous visit with a tummy bug and was pretty ill and he worries the kids will suffer from it.
4. There is no proper place to stay. My parents have a small house, but it needs to be cleaned and prepared for all of us staying (my parents idea of clean is different to mine..that's a whole other thread), even then there might not be enough room. Otherwise we will have to pay for accommodation, adding to the costs.
5. We would have to hire a driver for our entire stay. The public transport is very basic and nothing much to do by just walking, and driving ourselves is out of the question as the roads are very chaotic. Kids car seats might be not available as nobody uses them there...(the last time I went, might be different now).
6. It is HOT there. The kids complain on a hot day up here in the North and it will be nearly 40degs there. Even I would find it completely exhausting. You just can't DO anything in that heat.
7. I don't want to go round visiting relatives.
8. Holidaying with my parents is hard work. I can just about manage a weekend away.
9. Kids like the idea of going of course, but in reality they will take little interest in my relatives and friends of my parents, and I don't think they'd be that interest in ancient ruins, religious architecture, and lush forests (ok maybe that bit) and there would be a lot of travelling (they get bad travel sickness...bit better with the pills, but still not that great) involved to see these things. It would be monsoon season in the summer and most beaches are not safe.

If it was a 2 week break in that country, staying in a lovely hotel by the beach, half board, just the 4 of us that's a different thing (but it would cost a LOT and there are many other places I'd rather visit that I've never been to), but going on holiday with my parents and negotiating their needs and the kids needs would be difficult and that's what's mainly putting me off.
I would take my DCs to visit the country, but not now, in a few years time when they are able to get more out of it and not be so vulnerable in case of food poisoning etc. But my parents think they would soon be too frail to go around with them if we leave it much later and they keep asking me to make a decision.

So please, am I being previous and cold hearted towards my elderly parents who just want to take their DGC to show off their country? I think I am being unreasonable, but this is not a holiday I am looking forward to in the least.
Thanks for reading the mammoth post!

I'm northern Irish and I so sympathise with the 'holiday' meeting relatives. It's always presented as being great fun, but it never is. Plus, there is the getting there and back. Last two times I took the family, we had to book separate accommodation, otherwise I may have ended up with a complete meltdown.

I so get when you say the heat, when visiting Ireland it's the cold and damp. You can do little in either.

So YANBU to think this. Awkward, I know, but I think your parents have to be told.

My exh will be 71 when he takes his 18 year old twins to look around university. He won't be frail. My mum went to Ibiza for the first time when she was 83 (she went again two years later).

I really like Sri Lanka, and I have a stomach condition so often get sick abroad but SL was no worse than France or Spain if you were careful.

December 17 seems like a good compromise, and I think your children would like it, and should remember it, I remember going to Malaysia at that age.

One thing to think about if you delayed for 2 years, is how would you feel if your parents were too unwell or frail by then?

Could you stay in a hotel or do your own sort of holiday in SL? Or do a twin centre?

I sympathise, I'm pg and at some point we will need to visit DH's family in Trinidad so I know what you mean about not your choice of holiday, but I know it will mean the world to his ageing aunt and uncle.

Eldon and so? Ever heard of average life span or any other statistical data regarding likelihood of ill health in later life? My friend's dad was hale and hearty until he died of a heart attack. My MiL was perfectly mobile until she fell and broke her hip.

He won't be frail

You can't possibly know that. Her DF is 79 now so in 5 years time will be mid 80s.

Sounds v tough but also once in a lifetime op you may regret not doing. I'd spend majority of time in decent hotels and see if you can arrange a driver and mother's help before you go. (I have family in far flung places and they often have staff that can help out.)

Sorry to double post. Ive been to SL wonderful place. Could your folks arrange a big party in the capital or another major town and get relatives to attend, rather than trapesing round all over?

Sorry bit I think YABU.

It is a massive ball ache staying in other peoples houses with young DCs and travelling round to visit people - we did just before Christmas, and that was only a short journey and for 3 nights. However they are your parents and they are making a significant contribution towards the flight cost and also perhaps at their age they don't feel comfortable travelling on their own so want your support to get over.

Can you do it when it's less hot?
Can you try to do it so that you have some break from relative visiting and doing it all with your parents? Even a few days in the minute could make all the difference.

I wouldn't go

You don't want to go
Your dh doesn't want to go
You don't think your kids will enjoy it
The extended family aren't particularly interested in your kids

Why would you go? Because your parents want to 'show off' their grandchildren? Grandchildren who are hot and bothered, and whose parents have spent a fortune and used their annual leave to facilitate this travelling circus?

Choose a holiday that your little family will enjoy
Your parents can have a fantastic relationship with their grandchildren at home
'Showing them off' to extended family should not come at the detriment of the children and their parents

i think the notion that if op's DF is 79 they could do this trip in 2 or even 3 years time let alone more is a gamble. It's a genuinely tricky issue, you've got the GP age and the gdc ages to contend with. I felt Dec 2017 was a good compromise.

I have a similar family situation to you. Haven't been asked to do it with the kids yet but when I was your DCs' age I had to go on trips back to DF's country to traipse round and see relatives. I absolutely hated it. After a few trips we started tagging beach holidays on the end, and they are the only bits I have good memories of. Just going to the pool and eating nice food and not being endlessly "shown off" to relatives. I was quite shy and having to be paraded in front of people I didn't know, in a very unfamiliar place, was awful.

DH and I did agree to go to DF's home country to meet the relatives again a few years back when DF was getting old and asked if we would go. So I did 5 days with the family and a week and a half just me and DH having a proper holiday, staying in lovely hotels. I would really advise that. Go to stay with your relatives first (the children will hopefully enjoy the novelty of it at least) then go to a hotel by the beach so you can relax. Tell your parents it's non-negotiable. Either they can come with you or they can stay with relatives and meet you to travel home again.

I think it is important to your parents and also important to your kids to understand where their mum comes from.
try and postpone until next year and combine the family visit with a few days in a nice resort hotel?

We flew to Sri Lanka in July last year for £2250 for 4 people, so lots cheaper than £4K. No sickness, we used anti-bac foam before every meal. Stunningly beautiful place with the friendliest people. I'd jump at the chance to go again.
We stayed in a house with a housekeeper/chef, and hired a driver. We also travelled by train very cheaply indeed. The beaches were beautiful. The food was delicious and only occasionally too spicy.

Can you not all book into a resort as a compromise?

I know it will be expensive but if your parents are as old as you say then really, this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity for your DCs

I'd go. Friends went to Sri Lanka on holiday last August with kids same age as yours, they (the kids) loved it, had a massive adventure and nobody got ill. So it can be perfectly safe. I'd definitely get own accommodation though, and make sure you get a few days off visiting relatives - you'd need to make that very clear to your parents.

Kids do remember holidays - I took my teenager to Hong Kong when she was 5, and she still talks about it.

Oh I just read that it's SL. Good grief i don't know how you can live here- I love it there!

Definitely compromise and make sure you get some time to have your family to yourself, maybe one week with your parents and one week without?

Given you're talking about SL, I think YABU.

Don't go in the summer. Go for two weeks next Christmas. Spend a week doing your duty by your parents and letting your children glimpse half of their heritage. Spend the second week by yourselves on the beach or in the hills, at a not-ridiculously-expensive hotel/resort. Make it accessible for them, eat western food, be tourists.

I can't wait for my DC to reach this age so I can do just this (my home country further away and not as accessible as yours).

I dont think you are BU.

I did a very similar trip to Sudan recently and it was hard, hard work with 40 degree heat, numerous family visits, terrifying roads and all the differences and issues you also mention. I also ended up violently ill and nearly didnt make the flight back. On the positive side I would say I met some lovely people and it was an experience I never expected to have in my lifetime.

I'm in a similar position now in that I am pregnant and the expectation is that DS will be taken back to be shown off. I'm afraid to say its a firm no from me... the heat, the sanitation, the hygiene, the roads, the rudimentary medical system all just too much worry with a child.

Op would you go without your dh? It would be cheaper and you are more likely to enjoy meeting up with family without him as he will probably feel like an outsider and be bored stiff. I think this year is the optimum time to go, before your dad hits his eighties and before your kids get to a stage where they would dread this sort of trip. Go again when they are older (for a holiday not a catch up with relatives) and can really appreciate and remember it. As others say book it on your terms and make it as comfortable as possible.

I'd delay for a few years. Is it a holiday, or relocating somewhere with none of the basics where you will have to look after sick children who may well not remember any of it???

Agree with the recent posts saying that at your parents' age, waiting much longer to do this is a gamble, and that Christmas 2017 sounds doable.

I'd go, but there would be 2 conditions - hills to die on, so to speak.
Car seats - take them from home if need be.
Accommodation - refuse point blank to stay in the parents' house. If it's that important to the parents that this trip take place, then they can chip in for some proper accommodation, whether that be a hotel/resort/rental house. Without those 2 things being in place, I'd not be going.

I'd tell DPs that DCs aren't old enough to cope, and aren't old enough to remember in the future.

This is asking you, DH and DCs to have a grim time so that they can show them to relatives, there are better ways to show your parent's culture to the DCs.

I haven't taken my DCs to the houses/regions where I or DH grew up.

I'd take DCs on a cultural holiday to that area when they are a bit older and able to appreciate it more.

Thanks for you replies everyone!

Well I've decided to go for it and have booked tickets for this summer! I thought about it a lot yesterday and spoke to my mum who says that delaying it to next summer would be not so good as my mum is already finding it a chore to walk around with his leg pains. I would have preferred to go at Christmas, but having checked the kids school holidays it is only 13 days, plus getting to and from the airport as we are in the North will only leave about 10 days in Sri lanka....not worth the jet lag!

I'm feeling much more positive about it now. I'm booking my own accomodation and I've explained to my mum my conditions, and she seems fine with it and left me to organise the holiday mostly, so fingers crossed it'll go OK.
DH agreed reluctantly, saying he has no choice
MrsPeterDoherty Could you please give me some more info regarding getting a housekeeper/cook etc?

Well done OP! When the time comes just keep telling yourself it's a one off to help you through. Hope it's better than you expect x