to think that this won't be a "holiday"?

[DataColour]

I'm completely prepared to be told that IABU as I'm really torn about this and I probably am being completely unreasonable. I just need some honest opinions (hence braving AIBU) to decide what to do.

Right, my country of birth is in Asia. I have lived there for 13yrs and I have lived in England for nearly 24yrs.
I have 2 DCs 8 and 6. I have never taken them to my birth country. My parents live here and have been for the last 24yrs. My aunt and uncle and my cousins also live here and so I only have a few relatives left in that country.
Last time I went there was 12 years ago after I got married (DH is English).
My parents are in their 70s now and I'm their only child. They want me to take the kids to this country for a holiday and show them off to their extended families and friends and also show them the country.

Now under normal circumstances this wouldn't be a problem but my concerns are that..

1. No direct flight there unless we travel down to Heathrow which would add on a few extra hours to the already long flight.
2. Cost would be nearly £4K for just the flights for four of us, but my parents offered to pay half, but it's not about the money really, we do have the money.
3. DH is not keen (but would go if I insist) as he spend much of his time there on his previous visit with a tummy bug and was pretty ill and he worries the kids will suffer from it.
4. There is no proper place to stay. My parents have a small house, but it needs to be cleaned and prepared for all of us staying (my parents idea of clean is different to mine..that's a whole other thread), even then there might not be enough room. Otherwise we will have to pay for accommodation, adding to the costs.
5. We would have to hire a driver for our entire stay. The public transport is very basic and nothing much to do by just walking, and driving ourselves is out of the question as the roads are very chaotic. Kids car seats might be not available as nobody uses them there...(the last time I went, might be different now).
6. It is HOT there. The kids complain on a hot day up here in the North and it will be nearly 40degs there. Even I would find it completely exhausting. You just can't DO anything in that heat.
7. I don't want to go round visiting relatives.
8. Holidaying with my parents is hard work. I can just about manage a weekend away.
9. Kids like the idea of going of course, but in reality they will take little interest in my relatives and friends of my parents, and I don't think they'd be that interest in ancient ruins, religious architecture, and lush forests (ok maybe that bit) and there would be a lot of travelling (they get bad travel sickness...bit better with the pills, but still not that great) involved to see these things. It would be monsoon season in the summer and most beaches are not safe.

If it was a 2 week break in that country, staying in a lovely hotel by the beach, half board, just the 4 of us that's a different thing (but it would cost a LOT and there are many other places I'd rather visit that I've never been to), but going on holiday with my parents and negotiating their needs and the kids needs would be difficult and that's what's mainly putting me off.
I would take my DCs to visit the country, but not now, in a few years time when they are able to get more out of it and not be so vulnerable in case of food poisoning etc. But my parents think they would soon be too frail to go around with them if we leave it much later and they keep asking me to make a decision.

So please, am I being previous and cold hearted towards my elderly parents who just want to take their DGC to show off their country? I think I am being unreasonable, but this is not a holiday I am looking forward to in the least.
Thanks for reading the mammoth post!

Why don't you say that you'll wait until next year and then go at Easter.

Easter falls earlyish in 2018, you can go for 10 days, miss most of the monsoon and your children will be a little older too.

I think you should go and see you parents and accept it as a duty holiday with a few fun things thrown in, rather than a fun holiday.

My previous long term partner was Sri Lankan heritage and we did the duty visit once and it was rather tedious in parts.

Sorry Data and Eustice this is what happens when you're reading half a thread and the door goes

Btw, if you don't go now, you wont be going next year (there will be other things coming along where you will want to spend your money on - plus your dparents might not be well enough them to do the trip anyway).

On the top of it, it will hanging above your heads for another year etc...

Honesty is the best way on that one.

I would suggest not doing lots of visits to friends/relations but trying to rent a hotel room or something where you invite everyone so it's all over at once. Then you can holiday.

It's not a holiday but you should do it. Perhaps make it shorter and have a resort break after, and consider booking accommodation / hiring help. Your kids are definitely old enough and it will be good for them.
But don't go and whinge to your kids and everyone about it's so hot etc , you need to change mindset here. As for the people who only ever please themselves not parents, I bet those parents are so proud of the effort they put into bringing you up (unless they didn't of course which would explain it)

Sounds like you have a lot of good reasons not to go this year, but an offer to do it in 2018 and use the intervening time to really plan it (and also set expectations about what you will and won't do: e.g. if you don't feel comfortable to take the kids for meals in relatives' houses you can start to give that message a bit gently). I remember the food we had at local friends' houses was SO hot! And that had been made especially mild for us! Delicious once you got used to the heat, but don't think I would have managed it as a child.

Yes, something could happen to your parents between now and then - but it could also happen between now and later in the year. At least this way you get the chance to properly plan it, and to make it as easy as possible for your DH and DC (and yourself!) so you can really get the benefit of a holiday rather than a stressful chore.

I would go. I can see that it wouldn't be a holiday, as such, for you. But it clearly would mean a huge amount to your parents and you never know how long they will be around. Plus, I bet it would be a real adventure for your DCs. Funnily enough, the holidays I remember the most are the ones that involved a bit of jeopardy/rough accommodation etc. rather than the bland/comfy ones. I think it is wonderful for children to experience very different cultures.

OP as their parents you and your DH need to put the welfare of your DC first. The proposed trip isn't about the children's needs or interests but a vanity trip for your parents. Make a video of your DC (have it professionally edited if need be) and your parents can send that.
How long since your parents travelled back? They have most likely acclimatised to your current local climate and will find the hot weather and conditions "back home" harder than they imagine. Older people find it more difficult to regulate their body temperature, which is why so many died during a heat wave a few years back.
I took every care during a brief stop over in Asia and despite eating only in the hotel, and taking every precaution ended up with dysentery with the after effects lasting for weeks after I got back home. I was able travel back only with the aid of anti- diarrhoeal medication.
Your DCs memory of your country of origin would not be at all positive if they are sick or just plain uncomfortable and bored.
Good luck

JaxingJump You are right. It is certainly not DH's idea of fun, after his experience last time of being ill for most of the holiday and I don't blame him. He doesn't enjoy the heat either.
As for me, I've lived in that country for 13 years, seen all the tourist attractions, mingled with the locals, eaten the local food etc etc so it's not a new or novel experience for me!
I know what you are trying to say, but we do like adventure holidays, we are not the kind to lay on a beach all day at all, but I think my concerns are valid when you have small kids in tow. I have no hesitation in doing this when they are bit older.

Thank you for all the replies and also experiences of holidays with DCs in Sri Lanka, they are very useful to read.

7. I don't want to go round visiting relatives.

I think this is the crux of it, really. In your shoes (I have family abroad but more like 5 hours away), I'd decide whether your parents' wishes are an important enough reason to make this trip. If so, accept their offer of financial help, push this back a bit to avoid monsoon season and give you more time to save up, and throw a bit of money at nice hotels and interesting experiences. And buy Tesco out of dioralyte before you go.

i would wait a year and rent a house for 2 weeks. your parents can stay in their house. at least you have some space and the option of hanging by yourselves for a day. the kids are that much older, you can save for the luxuries that will make it more bearable and your parents will get their answer.

this is never going to be ideal really, so might as well make the best of it.

fwiw I took 2 of my children to sri lanka when they were much younger than yours and it was fine (apart from my toddler refusing to sleep on the plane). No food poisoning for anyone. (we hired a driver too - it was fine).

I take my children all over the place now (mostly in Asia) and have been doing since they were babies and we've always been fine and they've always had a wonderful time. . I have a colleague who is sri lankan and she has taken her young children back several times too.

So while I'm not exactly saying that those concerns aren't valid, I think they're very summountable

I think it boils down to the fact you don't particularly want to go. But your children could have a lovely time there, and your parents would probably really appreciate it . You might be able to mix it up a bit so it isn't all seeing relatives, but there's some sightseeing too

. As for it not being a holiday - I don't think there is such a thing as a holiday with young children. But still, it can be fun and an amazing experience.

Why do you have to go in the summer? Would the weather not be better at Easter? Or have I missed something? Do you need to go for longer than two weeks?

IS it a thing to hire a cleaner/housekeeper on holiday now ? I've been missing out all these years!
Seriously OP, 79 and 73 are pretty old to be taking long haul flights, I think you'll find that those 'aches and pains' are going to increase greatly over the next few years and your parents will find it more uncomfortable to make the trip the longer you leave it.
None of your initial excuses reasons are insurmountable, as others have said. Your mention of preferring to save up for an extension to your new house sounds a bit selfish, you can surely live without that for another year? TBH, the longer you put it off, the more difficult it will be for your parents to enjoy the trip. PP have given lots of suggestions to make it easier on you ...

Flights
I guess your real options are going via a London airport, Frankfurt of Schiphol. I wonder if there is some sort of package trip you could add a few days on to?

Could you host?
I only mention it because 1/2 my family are expats overseas, but when they come home they find it a lot less grief to rent/borrow an apartment/cottage somewhere and invite friends and relatives to visit them (saves a lot of boring hours in cars travelling to boring towns). How easy is it to rent a house with pool and catering over in Sri Lanka? That eliminates many of the hygiene issues.

Temperature
DD always whinges about warm weather, but she also nags me to go back to Mauritius/Caribbean (and other hot places). She's a sucker for a bit of glorious sand, warm sea and blue skies too!

Could you do Christmas 2017/18? I am sure the weather would be better.

I think you are being v. unreasonable. It's a visit, visit your parents while you can and they are well. They won't be around forever and it's your children's heritage. Can't believe you have never taken your children back home after all this time! It really shouldn't be such a big deal. Just do it! and do it soon.

Your post seems very negative, all these points you can get over, it seems to be your mind holding you back from an amazing trip that you will all remember with fond memories. Spend some time visiting (find a clean hotel nearby, don't think it would cost much) and, as other people said, do some other fun things as well, take your parents to a beach hotel. Shop around for a better flight deal. WE go all the time to Asia and never get ill. Hygiene is generally ok, you could anyway cope with the runs. Our family lives all over the world and last year we shopped around and went to four countries all around the world to visit them all. Just plan it and go, I have a feeling you'll regret it if you don't...

I agree with eddielizard - push it off until next year and rent a house, although I'd lean towards one week, not two. Good luck!

DH goes to Columbo for work periodically (over past 2 years) and loves it. Reckons it's how he imagined India would be but clean and nice food. (Sorry to any Indian folk)

He's the first person to get the runs anywhere and has had no issues at all. We are considering a family trip in the summer. DC are 4 & 6. Maybe I am mad! It looks beautiful though.

Duty visits are a chore wherever you are going. It's not a huge place though. Can you arrange a central get together and do it all in one go? Even if you have to sponsor it? Stay somewhere else though.

Sorry to raise this but this could be the only opportunity for your children to meet their Grandparents - everyone seems to be looking at it from the perspective of the Grandparents seeing their Grandchildren and not the other way round.

Your children may not forgive you when they are older and have no memories of their Grandparents and wider family and find out you had this opportunity to give them this and denied them.

Stop looking at this from what the adults want from it and look at what the children will get from it. There is the rest of yours and their lives for fun/relaxing holidays. How much longer will this opportunity be there?

Sri Lanka is a beautiful country. I went there a few times when I was a child(between 7&8) and I loved it.
It would be a brilliant educational trip for your children if you took them to visit the temples there. I don't remember it not being safe there, the locals were really friendly and loved kids.

Its completely your choice though, but I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I too would like to make my parents to be happy. But if that involved spending £4k, losing my precious annual holiday, risking my children's comfort and making me/my partner unhappy in the process, I guess they'd just have to remain unhappy!

Don't go. Don't go ever if you don't want to. It's too much to ask.

Definitely leave it and save up so you can rent/AirBnB a house nearby. We are planning something similar when our DCs are older in New Zealand as there is no way my SIL can accommodate us as well as her family.
Hopefully your parents can wait a bit longer if you make it clear you are willing to come, just a bit later. Plus it can't be fun for them having a crowded house in tropical heat.

I understand your reluctance, I also understand your parents' desire to "show off" their grandchildren . Nice that they so proud of them. As far as holiday memories go, our DGCs vividly remember all sorts of things about their holidays when they were your DCS' ages.
I think you should go while your DPs are up to it. However have you considered travel insurance costs and whether your parents can get cover at their ages? Maybe though they are already covered by the Sri Lankan health service.

IS it a thing to hire a cleaner/housekeeper on holiday now grin? Well yes you have been missing out! But the reality is that when my friends go back to Sri Lanka, they stay with family who already have hired help, so everything is done for them...that's what I meant.

My parents go back twice a year, so they are well acclimatised to the weather.

Easter this year is not possible. Also April is very hot in Sri Lanka. Dec holidays seem like the best option.

I'm coming round to going Dec 2017. I definitely don't want to stay with my parents in a shared house. They are not easy to live with, nothing to do with age.

All these replies are so useful and thanks for the suggestions and your experiences

We went Easter last year with DD then 14 months. Holiday was planned by mil and we weren't given the opportunity to input but we did stay in lovely hotels. Not a holiday but I would do it for family.

I would look into travel companies with holidays nearby the area your family is from or somewhere that does bespoke Sri Lankan holidays that you can build in driver, accommodation, flights, just to get costs as it may be more efficient doing one of these options than building separately.

Look into that.