To wonder if anyone has continued to struggle to bond with their child

[cherrycrumblecustard]

After babyhood, really, is it very common?

7

Hi Cherry,

I'm going to be honest and say that I am in a similar position to you - and it was my counsellor who pointed it out.

I love my son, as I am sure you do with yours, but I know what you mean about not feeling the same bond as with your other children. For me, I know the cause, and my wonderful counsellor gets it completely and is helping me work through those feelings.

Luckily I don't think my feelings have had an effect on my son's behaviour as he isn't aware (I know this from conversations with my son).

@cherrycrumblecustard I completely understand. My DS1 is the same age as yours and I have never bonded with him. I feel quite detached from him. I think that the personality of the child probably has something to do with it as well. DS1 had an extremely traumatic birth and we were told to expect the worst. Well the worst didn't happen. Not even close. We were very very lucky. However I do think that a combination of my (undiagnosed) PND at the time, and his personality (he was not a cuddly child - hard work - very demanding - very pessimistic and always the 'victim' - he hasn't changed) meant that this 'bonding' thing never happened.
I have stopped stressing about it though. I do my best to 'love-bomb' him and spend time with him and have always done this even from the start (hours on end at night time holding his hand to try and get him to sleep better and so on)
I didn't really know what 'bonding' was till DS2 arrived. However I still didn't get that 'instant rush' some people talk about. That happened gradually. Again, his personality has much to do with it. It was apparent from very early on that he was the happiest and warmest of characters - and much like adults - this rubs off on people, including parents. However its not just that - his little body (not quite so little as he's 7 now) is always soft and warm and he still has the trace of baby smell on his head. That's something I have never 'felt' with DS1. There was no urge to snuffle his head.

The thing is though, I have learned to accept that this is the way it is. I love them, and even though something is 'missing' with DS1, I will always protect him and show him love. I can't do more than that. Its not like being a partner - I can't just decide to move on. I made him and I am his protector and he needs me - so I go with the flow however challenging his behaviour is.

It's such a taboo area, and that stigma means it's hard to work out what's going on and how to deal with it.

This is why I suggested a counsellor, who would help you dig into it, and who has expertise so it's not the blind leading the blind!

I have a mother who clearly adores my sister and had me because my sister needed a sibling, and that's all I ever was. Luckily my sister and father didn't follow in her coldness, although they kept any loving bonds very quiet to avoid the consequences. My mother was rabidly jealous of me getting any love or affection and really couldn't see any issue in putting all sorts of disgusting oedipal vileness on my father and me. Destructive, disgusting, nasty woman. She also expected to have everyone dancing around her when she was eaten up by jealousy when DS was born. She did her best to push me out of the way, and be my baby's 'mummy' instead. Not a nice person.

Anyway, the point is, my mothers lack of love or bond with me was very damaging. But this is different from what you are describing. It was what she did because that lack of bond that was so awful and cruel. When I speak / write about the awfulness of my childhood, I am not talking about you!

You aren't allowing a problem with bonding turn you into a cruel and abusive woman. You aren't letting the less strong bond act like an open doorway, a gap that enables you to venting your spleen and letting all the warped sickness out.

And I think it's really important to remember, and believe in your heart, that you aren't a bad person because of the difficulty bonding with your son.

It's what you do with that problem which defines what kind of person you are, and what legacy you leave in your son.

Working on strengthening that bond, and also working on behaving as if you already have that bond are two different ways to address this situation. Doing both in tandem sounds like the best way forwards.

But, to be able to let yourself acknowledge and explore what's going on, I think it's important to stop judging yourself /let others knee jerk judgements get in the way.

I'm glad that someone has brought this up. I suffered from PND with DD, who is now 8. DP and her have a wonderful relationship and we regularly enjoy family days out, but I panic when I have "alone time" with her. Our days in the house are pretty dull and I find fun activities, like swimming or going to the park, difficult, like we're forcing the fun.

Is she an only child Angela?

She's very recently been joined by a brother namechanged. It was only when he was born that I realised that my bond with DD isn't great. It's awful and I feel terrible saying it, but it's so apparent now that I have something (or someone) to compare my feelings to.

That's when it became apparent to me too

My mother never bonded with me. After I got to about 10 she gave up the pretence and just seemed very irritated with me. The continues to this day and although she has been dx with terminal cancer recently, I feel nothing for her. Her relationship with my brother is more normal and they remain close, so it's not like she hasn't got maternal feelings, just not for me.

I spent most of my adult life not thinking I would be able to have children and that allowed me to fantasise about how wonderful they would be and how amazing I would be as a mother. The truth is I haven't bonded with either of them, spend time working abroad because I can't cope with full time parenthood and have no maternal instinct at all. If I'm very honest with myself I prefer the company of my dogs to my children and when I'm away I miss them more.

Luckily my husband is a fantastic father and succeeds where I fail. He knows how I feel and tells me to fake it, so I do and will continue to do so. They are 8 and 5 now and I truely believe that it is too late for me, but there's also a very big part of me that doesn't want to chance the situation now because I, scared that I will feel too much.

Zeez, that's so sad, do you feel the same way about both your children?

Have you ever spoken to your mother about her feelings? Do you have a relationship with her now?

Zeez that's so sad. As I say my Mum doesn't love me, she loves my brother though, I think his birth 'cured her' of her PND as there are loads of photos of her cuddling and holding him as a baby whereas all the ones of me as a baby are of me alone/with my nanny.

I was terrified when DS2 was born that I wouldn't feel a bond, or worse that I would feel one stronger than DS1 (who was a very difficult baby) and history would repeat but thankfully it didn't. I am very paranoid and defensive when people compare them though, and even when I'm singing silly songs to DS2 while DS1 is at school I will always add a verse about DS1 just because i feel it would be fairer! I feel really sorry for you, in fact I was terrified of having a daughter for similar reasons as my relationship with my mother is only maintained by me in a 'kicked puppy hunting for scraps of affection kindness of way'.

I do, yes. I do love them though, but it's the sort of love that I have for my step-children and nieces and nephews rather than what I should have for my own children.

No, I won't talk to my mother now. She only has a few months to live and is continuing to be difficult. If our relationship improves then it will be too little too late and that will make everything worse. Sometimes you just have to accept the situation you're in and minimise damage. I like to think that I'm still a good daughter (although it's more duty than love) and still a good mother.

Very much. Dd1 is 12 and since I was pregnant with her I've had depression/pnd. We just never clicked. I've tried various methods but nothing seems to have worked. I am ashamed as I know this is not normal and that it is likely to cause her issues in the future.

It is made worse by the fact that we have had two more children after an 8 year gap and they are my heart.

I've been saying this for years and apparently it makes me the devil incarnate on Mumsnet, I love my eldest dearly but as a person I really really struggle with her. Last night she told her plan is to work hard at school, leave home and never see any of you twats again .... followed by two hours in her sisters bedroom planning the lovely life they will have together in the house I've bought for them that will provide them with an income etc, so it's nice to know I'm useful for something.
I wonder if we expect too much, maybe our job is just to get them walking and talking and then off into the world without a backwards glance

It's horrible, isn't it namechanged. Reading the posts of adults who are on the receiving end is really worrying too. I want to fix things with DD, I just don't know how. The only thing we seem to be able to bond over is DS. DD loves being a big sister and is great with him - which makes me feel even worse. How is it that she can build a bond with him when I could never with her?

I just wish I understood why. How can I have 4 children, all planned, no PND, no birth issues and just not love one in the middle?

How do you cope with it Dora? Does your partner know how you feel?

This thread has actually made me realise that I'm not the only one like this