To wonder if anyone has continued to struggle to bond with their child

[cherrycrumblecustard]

After babyhood, really, is it very common?

I don't know. Please don't pull faces at me. I don't know.

How many children do you have OP? And is it possible to describe the differences you feel with the other(s)?

I sometimes wonder if it is harder to bond with the child that is either the very MOST like you are, or the very LEAST. Either could make sense....

I don't know, I don't know if it's because he's a boy, or because he's older, or because he's so clever, or what it is. I shouldn't have started the thread as I've no idea what I am on about :) I think I'm just having a little crisis parenting wise.

It took me about a year to bond with my DS (definitely PND in my case). I spent the first year looking at him with a mix of pure fascination and pure resentment at what he had done to my life. I was miles away from him. Now I am 20 weeks pregnant with number two, and spending far too much time planning how this one will be SO different.

I think it is a brilliant thread OP. For once a 1000 MNs can't tell you immediately and emphatically what the answer is. I find the subject a very difficult one as I just don't know what creates a bond, or doesn't, or how we all know when it is there or not. But we do all know.

Cherry, do you feel like you don't get him? Don't understand him?

I felt like that with DD and sometime still do. She's the eldest so I feel like I've made all my mistakes on her, so to speak. What helped a bit was dropping my expectations, letting her just be her and me taking the time to let her tell me who she is. She has always been sensitive and her motivations a bit of a mystery to me. I've had to unpick her like puzzle in order to understand her better.

I too suspect I had undiagnosed PND with her and v often felt I was acting like a mum instead of just being one.

The instant warm fuzzy love I had with the next dc was definitely not how it worked with DD. But it can get better and I now regularly feel that swell of instinctive love for her. Keep going...

Thanks :) The weird thing is I do kind of get him, but he seems so collected and like he doesn't need parenting almost (although of course he DOES!)

Like last night I asked him about something he'd done in school and he said 'oh, you wouldn't understand if,' in a perfectly kindly tone, and yet it felt quite odd, not just being pushed away but also patronised, if indeed one can be patronised by a ten year old!

@clippityclock the latter bit of your post doesn't half sound like what I go through with DS! He'll be an angel for a couple of hours, then just everything is a chore.

Living with my mother probably isn't helping, tbh, but that's a whole other rant.

My DD is 10 too - definitely turning into her own person, taking in influences I'm not aware of, the beginnings of real independent thinking, like you do as you grow up I suppose. And a bit of pulling away. So perhaps it's normal to feel like that? Like they think they're so much their own person, what can my old mum tell me I don't already know? I dunno, rambling...

cherry this is often a strange age anyway as children are starting to feel peer pressure & can be more challenging.There is also the possible onset of early puberty to add to the mix.It's a weird time anyway between primary & secondary school it can be a scary & difficult transition.
Saying all that I do fully appreciate where you're coming from it doesn't make you a bad parent at all,if anything I admire your honesty.

He isn't a psychopath

womb, not really on to bring up another thread really?

Womb you have already shown by your mean & goady comments on others' threads that your 'so called 'advice has been deleted.You don't walk in others'shoes so why can't you accept that? OP was asking for help not a public battering on the busiest parenting site.

OP, you say that you "love him dearly" and, in my opinion, that's all that matters. You can't do more - or feel more - than to love someone dearly, especially if this is reflected in the way you care for him, which I'm sure it is. I would say that you're more concerned about his feelings for you, and at ten, it's natural that he's beginning to become a bit more independent and looking for bonds with friends as well as parents. But that is completely right and natural - and a sign that you're doing your job well. The whole point of parenting is produce fully-functioning adults, able to stand in their own two feet, and this involves a process of gradually letting go and loosening the exclusive ties with parents. It sounds as though this has started to happen with your son and it is a good sign of developing maturity. It's great that he has his "own" world at school, that he doesn't always want to talk about - it shows he fits in and is a confident member of the community. But this confidence, this stepping out in the world, depends on having a firm, safe starting point which you have provided! I'm sure your son loves you - so much that he takes it completely for granted, just as he takes your love for him for granted. I think you are just suffering a little from the start of the inevitable separation process as your son begins to grow up. But he will always love you, and you him.

I think it's one of the last taboo subjects but children are individuals so it makes sense that we have differing relationships with them, right?

I always questioned my bond with ds, not helped by stressful.circumstances and terrible issues with breastfeeding which led.to me missing his early weeks pretty much. Then I had dd, and the guilt increased as I feel.things for her which are ten times what I feel for ds. Little things like liking the smell of her hair, whilst I never got the whole newborn head smell thing with ds. And feeling a surge of love when I look at her sometimes, but mainly feeling guilt when I look at ds. I suspect asd or something for ds, and believe that the reciprocity might be a bit lacking making it harder to bond. But I do love him and feel terrible for feeling differently about dd. But you can't admit that it seems.

I feel like this and it makes me very sad.

I have 4 children and the bond just didn't happen with one of them and I really don't know why. Not the oldest or youngest. No disappointment at the sex. No birth trauma. Only issue was a struggle to breastfeed but I wasn't heartbroken by that or anything.

I do love this particular DC or at least I certainly have strong feelings for them but it's not the overwhelming, all consuming love that I feel for the other 3. I've spoken to DH about it but he doesn't take me seriously other than to say that he thinks maybe I love this DC like a father would rather than a mother. Whatever that means.

I think I try to over compensate as the other DC sometimes say I show this one favouritism.

I'm not imagining it though and I see it manifest itself in ways such as I worry less when they have a school trip/coach journey. I don't overly worry about the others but it's always there during the travel times if it's a long journey. With this particular DC, I never even think about it. It makes me ashamed and confused and just sad.

You are not alone cherry

I struggle with my 'bond' with DD. She was my whole entire life until DS was born... The minute he was born I felt resentment towards him for stealing my love for her. Weird huh? I tried speaking to DH about it in those heady first days and he strictly told me to never let her know I ever felt that way... I have really tried not to.

DD is awaiting DX for ADHD and is a really difficult Child. I struggle with my emotions for her and have to show her EXTRA love even when I'm not really feeling it.

Like you, I love her dearly, worry about her constantly and worry I am doing the wrong thing, want nothing more than her happiness...

This is... being a parent. Or at least the bits they don't tell you about.

I think I just struggled SO much when he was a baby that my feelings of not being a "proper" mum are tied into that. With him it's always been waiting for him to grow up. With DD it's been more about enjoying the moment. I do love them both the same though, it's more than that.

Wow cherry you've just put into words what I've been struggling to understand about my relationship with my two.

I struggle with my older DD who seemed to be born wanting to be an adult. I'm just waiting for her to physically become the grown up she fights to be, she's so independent, doesn't want my help. I can't help mourning younger DS getting older as he's such cuddly 'baby', he wants and needs me. I love them exactly the same though, hard to explain

Padded that's exactly how my mother would describe me 'oh you always wanted your independence' - funnily enough when your hugs are refused or any attempt to get close when young is met with worried cries of "oh be gentle with the baby" and constant requests to be a "big girl" and "show your little brother what to do" whilst cuddling and kissing him you kind of need to become independent as a self defence mechanism. I had to grow up quickly when I was 2.5 when my brother was born, he has been the perpetual baby ever since. There was never room in those cuddles for me and i knew it.

Anyway, I'm going to come off this thread as it's too upsetting. I (really genuinely, not sarcastically) hope your children never catch wind of your differing feelings towards them. It breaks my heart that my mother could never love me as easily as she loves my brother.

If he said to you "oh you wouldn't understand" then I think something else going on there than is being articulated.

Either he's used to you saying that so he's given up telling you what he's doing, or he's learned it from someone else saying that to you, I'm not sure.

I'd ask though, do you spend time showing an interest in what he does, talking to him about it, helping and encouraging him?

Introverted do you have children?

Yes, two.

I didn't bond with ds until he was about 12 I don't think. I had PND and stupidly I found it difficult because he doesn't look like my others. I was scrupulously fair, would tally hugs and kisses in my head to make sure he didn't miss out, taught him to play chess so we had something we could do together, made a point of sharing his interests etc etc
When in secondary school a teacher seemed to be picking on him something clicked and I realised I loved him so much and my protective instincts kicked in in full force.
Now he's an adult and we are probably the closest out of them all.We really enjoy each others' company and spend a fair bit of time together. We talk every day.
He's unaware that I hadn't bonded with him as a child although he does sometimes say we didn't get on as well when he was young. I tell him I was stressed and depressed and it was never his fault and I'm sorry.
I hope that he hasn't been affected longterm, for now it appears not at least.