To wonder if anyone has continued to struggle to bond with their child

[cherrycrumblecustard]

After babyhood, really, is it very common?

Introverted, as per my post, I certainly don't deny my child cuddles. They are showered with affection. I'm very conscious of that 'missing' feeling and I don't think any of my children have picked up on it as I work hard to overcome it or at least disguise it.
It just confuses me as I don't understand why or whether it will ever change.

Oh insan you sound like a lovely mother. My long term effects are from the way my mother treats me so differently to my brother - she was always harder on me and from a young age my brother noticed and would make things up to watch her tell me off - she would nearly always believe him over me.

With my two sons I do the tally thing you talk about - when I sing songs to 9 month old DS2 while DS1 is at school I even make sure I sing equal numbers of verses about them both. I also get annoyed when people compare the two in a negative way, eg DS2 is such a happy smiley baby (yes, because DS1 was premature, almost died and suffered from agonising reflux for the first year). Both my children are wonderful and I love them both equally, bit I do wish I could relax the obsession I have of making sure they both feel treated equally.

Insan1ty, your post gives me hope that there's still a little time for it to happen.

Dora my upbringing to the outside world was lovely, but I always knew that I was not loved. I had a nanny who loved me and she was always sent away 15 minutes before my father got back from work (as presumably she could do a good job of being with me for this length of time). I used to love it but found myself walking on eggshells. If I expressed wanting to spend more time with her she cried and would sob about not being able to do "everything". She would only stop when I would cry and apologise over and over and reassure her that she was the best Mummy ever. Once I made the horrendous mistake of saying that it was okay because I loved 'Nanny'. I will never forget the look on her face until she composed herself - pure anger. I never saw my nanny again; a new one came who was far more detached from me than my previous loving one.

Over the years I did more and more to try and gain favour. My mother seemed proud of my swimming achievements so I would try so hard at it. My brother started and cried in the water. To my shame I hoped this would be a place where I could win her affections...no, she picked him out of the water, hugged and kissed him and reassured him the entire time. Swimming practice then became another bonding session for them while I desperately swam competition after competition to win scraps of affection.

I could go on but it's boring. I am clearly projecting. I don't know what the answer is but I reckon if you try and compensate the lack of bond then maybe that really is just as good as having one in the first place.

Dora I think the fact that you want to change is important, and that you take action to compensate even more so. I often got the impression that my mother found the act tiring, and eventually gave up trying altogether.

This happened to a v good friend of mine
She was a counsellor who advised she spent time with that child, one to one, and did little date type things and bit by bit it flurished from there
So they started developing a bond many years down the line

I don't feel a great bond with ds and he is 7. I love him and worry about him and try my absolute best but that total overwhelming love never kicked in.
He was a really tough baby and is dyspraxic as well as I suspect being on the spectrum. He throws a lot of stuff back in my face but he's 7 so I try not to take it personally. He's still very very very hard work. I thought I was doing ok though and this was just how motherhood was until I had dd. And with dd I loved her instantly. And overwhelmingly. She is 12 months now and I miss her if I'm not with her. I could literally hug her all day. But in contrast to ds she is a happy chilled baby, whereas ds could cry for 6 hours a day or more. I just don't understand ds, he does things and I think 'why on earth have you done that?' I don't 'get' him.

It does worry me. I don't want to fuck him up. He's already got enough to contend with. But if I'm honest I've never felt about him like I do with dd.

I'm finding it interesting reading of mums who are struggling to bond with children they suspect or are on the spectrum because I have two with autism and I bonded with them immediately but the ds I didn't bond with isn't on the spectrum.
I know I voiced my first concerns regarding ds when he was only weeks old and they were that he didn't seem to recognise me (or in fact all the family) as being special to him,that he wasn't very smiley (understatement he rarely smiled) and he didn't really like being held. I adored ds without question but I can understand that had I not bonded with him soon after he was born he wasn't really a baby that would help you bond with him if I'm honest.

I haven't read all replies yet but I will come back to this when I have finished work.

I have a 13 year old that I struggle bonding with compared with my others.

Me too op. I love both of my children but haven't bonded properly with the eldest. I had pnd the first time round but not the second which contributed hugely.

It's a very very taboo subject but I'm certain it's a lot more common than everyone realises. The way I like to think about it is that my DC are individuals. They are both very different and so I have different relationship s with them. I know it's not quite the same, but I'm sure we all secretly prefer one of our parents/siblings to the other?

Prefer into the word I wanted to use, as I'm not suggesting any of us prefer one DC to another, but hopefully you'll understand the point im trying to make.

Isn't!

My first child is 13 and I was a single mum for the first 3 years, the dad was emotionally and physically abusive. I have 2 babies too.

I hate myself and am totally ashamed, but my feelings for them are definitely different. I have posted about this before under a different user name, asking for advice. I find my eldest irritating, and I don't think that they have many likable qualities I know how horrific this makes me sound, and I am desperately unhappy and ashamed that I feel this way, but I honestly don't know how to fix it.

That's a very brave thing to post and no don't feel ashamed to feel that way.It's nobody's business to judge you if they haven't experienced what you have.
Have things always felt like this?

nobody's

It's got worse over the years, as a baby I was very affectionate, co slept etc. I really try not to show it, and am probably too soft on them to over compensate, but I'm terrified that I will mess them up because of this.

They are not affectionate, so although I'm constantly cuddling the babies, I show little affection to them, although I do tell them I love them regularly. They have no interests or hobbies, so I can't try and use a common shared interest to build up a more meaningful relationship.

It eats me up that we have this dynamic

Bond is a very weird thing.

I think I bonded a lot. I adore and adored ds1 and ds2 and never saw myself as depressed. My dh and mum think so too: that my bonding was excellent. But ds1, now having a diagnosis of autism has certainly been difficult and I have questioned myself endlessly about my relationship with him. He has treated me terribly many times.

But my bonding and attachment were questioned when I was accused of having munchausens. This was the most hurtful and painful thing ever.

I still ponder it all, wondering why they questioned my bond. I have found it to be incredibly insulting and painful.

Name have you sought help through your GP or school? How is the relationship with SD?
Oblamov that sounds really distressing who on earth would make such an assumption?!

I haven't spoken to my gp, as I'm unsure what this would achieve? I'm not depressed. His school are a bit crap, he struggles academically as it is and unfortunately his school aren't really up to much!

I have tried love bombing, trying to get shared interests, one on one time, encouraging hobbies for himself (as he genuinely has no interests), spending time as a family, but it hasn't changed anything

I think just to share your concerns tbh.School need to be tackled it's not acceptable that your child is struggling,it must be very demoralising for them.

The way I see it is you love you child but sometimes you just don't like them. This is normal with relationships right?

Sometimes I look at my ds - i feel anything other than mumsy - at times he gets on my nerves. But at the very thought of something happening to him I feel physical pain.

All relationships require work. Something simple as saying love you each night can reinforce feelings.

I think we can overanalyse stuff (me included) & there is an expectancy to be happy every day with relationships to be perfect. When they aren't we feel failure. Happiness, relationships fluctuate naturally. When you accept this you may feel more at peace?

Sorry for hijacking the thread

Thank you for the advice

georgethecat great post

georgethecat, I have to disagree in my case as it's not like that for me at all.
You are basically saying not to worry, we all love our children it's just sometimes we don't like them, maybe wouldn't be friends under other circumstances. But it's ok because deep down we do love them we just find some days hard.

But for me that's just parenting. That's probably how it is occasionally with my other 3 children (occas driving me mad, loving them deeply but not liking who they are at that moment) But with my other child, it's different. That deep, intense love just never came. For no reason that I can see or understand. I don't dislike them. In fact they're a very easy going child. It's just that the motherly love that just happened with the others didn't happen that time, or since. As I said earlier, planned pg, easy birth, no disappointlent ovef sex of baby, no infant issues. I just can't understand and if I understood I feel I could fix it as it breaks my heart.

The best way for me to describe it is say you had a child/children you loved dearly, your cousin died leaving a newborn who then came to live with you and you dutifully brought them up, also having more of your own afterwards. You grow to have feelings for this child and You are scrupulously fair but you never feel that same overwhelming, intense love for your cousin's child as you do for your own. That's how I feel, except the child is my own.

That's a good way of explaining it Dora, how old is your child?