To wonder if anyone has continued to struggle to bond with their child

[cherrycrumblecustard]

After babyhood, really, is it very common?

I'd be sitting in silence for an hour then

What do you think a 'bond' is?

I've always wanted to start a thread about what a bond means to people, and how they quantify it.

OP I had a horrible pregnancy with ds2, hyperemesis and bed ridden. I'd not long lost my Mum so got very down. 17hrs after he was born I was in an induced coma, where I stayed for a few days battling a random brain infection. Missed the first two weeks of his life. When I came out of hospital he felt more like a stepchild or someone I'd adopted. Took weeks before I could start bonding, and panicked a lot that maybe we wouldn't. Talking about it with friends helped, they all encouraged and praised me. I loved him, but it wasn't as deep or natural as with ds1.

I think we properly started bonding and "getting" each other when he turned 2 and could communicate better. He's almost 3 now and I'd say we're doing OK. I think some of it is down to personality, too, which I don't believe you have much control over.

How old is your little one? Why don't you feel bonded?

nearly ten ... I think I'm probably just talking rubbish. I do love him. I just find it hard to feel like his mother.

Introvertedbuthappy I could of written your post, that's exactly how my mum is with me & my brother.

Only thing is I'm scared history is repeating itself. I love my DS but I don't have the same bond with him as I do my daughter. I had PND with him & struggled to BF. To be honest I think I got so hung up on the BF thing that I missed out on precious time with him as a newborn.

I know I can be hard on him & I stop myself & think of how I felt when I was that age & my mum was hard on me.

I really want to have a better bond with him before our relationship is damaged forever.

Must be very hard for you. I'm sure if you're doing your best then it will be good enough. Keep talking on here if you think it will help

I didn't really bond with DD1 till I had DS when she was 5. Then the maternal feelings flooded in. I felt awful for not being very loving to DD for those first few years and we've talked about it now that she has DC of her own. We're very close as adults but it probably affected her.

I don't understand what you mean tbh. How do you expect to feel as his mother? It may be a problem with expectations being too high.

I don't understand what I mean either :) Just don't properly feel like his mum. I feel like I can't tell him what to do. Hard to explain.

I feel like this with my middle son but always put it down to being taken back into hospital and not neing aloud to see him for a week after he was born. I became convinced he had bonded with my mil and not me. Looking back i think it was pnd but i never got it checked and 9 years on i still dont feel like i do with my other two. I do love him but do t seem to connect the same. Im a horrible mum i know.

Like you can't tell him what to do? Is there a behaviour issue here?

No, not really. Impossible,to put into words. I feel like he is in charge, not in charge, exactly. Oh can't explain!

It is a bit worrying that you are finding it so hard to bring this down to practicalities. What makes you think he is in charge?

I don't know. Does n matter,

I seemed to appreciate everything my second did from the moment he was born. 1. Easier birth than DS1. 2. My DS1 was 4 when he was born so no tiny one to also look after and he was at pre-school 3. I already had the experience of the basics with a baby.

When I had my third I had DS1 to take to school, DS2 who was 18m and DD after a section so I was a bit fraught.

I don't love DS2 any more than the rest but I seem to get on with him more, but maybe it could also be the fact that he is chilled like DH and the eldest and youngest are just like me personality wise and we all rub each other up the wrong way!

DS1 gives the best hugs though ;)

I think you need to give more info OP, if you're looking for help?

I don't k ow now to explain , k do t think I can.

Or something more legible.

I have 2 children. My son is 5 and it definitely took a while to bond. 6 months or so. Once the bond was there I just felt so incredibly in tune with him. When he cried/spoke/looked a certain way I knew what he wanted/was thinking.

I got his sense of humour and still do. I think he's possibly the funniest, cutest most handsome thing ever. (I know he's possibly not, but to me he totally is.) honestly the love I feel for him is just beyond all words.

My daughter, she is 4 months and I must admit I am struggling a bit with the bond. She's absolutely adorable. I look into her eyes and just see the sweetest little thing ever but in terms of knowing what she wants - I have absolutely no idea. I also have worries about her health and development which really isn't helping as instead of enjoying her and bonding I'm always analysing her. I play with her to see how she'll react - not to just play with her.

I'm hoping it improves as she gets older. I really want that close bond and I'll do anything to Try and herb it.

Unfortunately it's impossible to give advice with such limited information, OP. I wish you well

I don't really need advice. It's fine. Daft thread :)

Kinda glad someone's posted this thread, cuz I'm still struggling to understand how to "be a mother" to my ds(6). Probably doesn't help I'm seriously not NT, and he's the product of assault.
But, he's cute and polite and funny and has annoyingly long eyelashes. And yet sometimes I find myself looking at him and going, "exactly what the hell do I do with you?"

I understand I think. You feel like he's not really yours and that their isn't that easy going affection between you and slightly detached from being his parent. Well that how I feel with mine anyway so may be similar to yours.

I also struggle with mine because every single day is just battles to get hm to do even the most basic things so we rarely have fun. Its bloody miserable really and no fun for either of us.

He's definitely mine but I feel in some ways almost intimidated by him, which is completely the wrong word, so don't all jump on it :) but I feel like I can't parent him. I can love him though. And he's so lovely and no trouble.

I'm not going to jump on the word, but I am curious as to what makes you feel this way.