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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if it is normal to video a funeral service?

69 replies

CuthbertDibble · 09/01/2017 20:06

Just curious really, went to a funeral and there was a video camera set up to record the service. I can understand that immediate family might be grieving too much to take it all in but it felt quite intrusive. Is it normal?

OP posts:

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 09/01/2017 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2017 20:11

I hate the use of 'normal', the answer can only be yes, because it's their normal.

I took pictures of my DHs funeral, my eldest DD (then 17) wanted them taken, my youngest was 7, so I went along with it.

They've been cathartic to look at again, the day passed in a blur.

I could imagine that a video would be similar.

Snowflakes1122 · 09/01/2017 20:11

Not something anyone would want to relive surely-why video it?

roundandroundthehouses · 09/01/2017 20:12

It might have been for someone who lives abroad or is ill and couldn't make it to the service?

MsPickle · 09/01/2017 20:13

I have a tape recording of my grandmothers funeral. The vicar came and have it to us unexpectedly. I've never listened to it but have kept it, perhaps in the future it'll have an audience to hear the things we said about her. I spoke, didn't think it would be captured, it was from my heart. Videoing is the next thing I guess?

QueenBeet · 09/01/2017 20:18

Someone vaguely related to my mum came to her funeral and took HUNDREDS of pictures. Literally stood up when her coffin was being conveyed on the crematorium belt to catch those last few seconds. I assumed it was a peculiar non-UK tradition and that they were taking pics for the foreign relatives that couldn't make the date. Nope. No-one has EVER seen these photos.

TreeTop7 · 09/01/2017 20:20

A funeral I attended last year was "broadcast" to the deceased's sibling and nephews in Melbourne, who couldn't make it.

girlelephant · 09/01/2017 20:20

I've never seen it but when I've heard of it the reason has been to stream to people overseas who couldn't attend. It was streamed securely with a password apparently

7to25 · 09/01/2017 20:25

My own lovely FIL couldn't go to his sister's funeral as he was with my terminally ill MIL.
He got great comfort from the video recording.

Rrross1ges · 09/01/2017 20:28

Only once. It was streamed to the wife of the deceased who was in hospital with severe injuries, those were exceptional circumstances though.

SparkleShinyGlitter · 09/01/2017 20:30

I've seen it done.

My friend died suddenly and unfortunately her sister was to ill to come from Australia for the funeral so they videoed it for the sister

VanillaSugar · 09/01/2017 20:34

My step father's memorial service was recorded. I didn't know anything about it until I nearly fell over the blessed camera and tripod which was slap bang in the middle of the aisle.

It was weird. Lots of people came up to me afterwards and told me that the service felt more like a wedding.

Stonewash · 09/01/2017 20:36

I've never seen this and would expect people to respect others' privacy at a funeral. I'd be horrified to realise I was being videoed at a funeral.

I can understand if they're only recording the official proceedings happening at the front of the venue, perhaps because there's an important relative who couldn't make it.

But I don't think it's OK to include any participants (e.g. relatives doing a reading) or the congregation/attendees, unless they're definitely OK with it. And that means asking in advance, not putting them on the spot by saying "We're going to record this, does anyone mind?"

It might be something to add to a funeral plan or will - whether you mind videos and under what circumstances.

thanksamillion · 09/01/2017 20:41

Friends abroad broadcast a funeral on Facebook recently! It was a bit surprising to come across it on my news feed. Especially as they have open coffins. Lots of relatives are abroad and its also a culture where everyone in the village goes to the funeral and is expected to take part.

Original poster

CuthbertDibble · 09/01/2017 20:43

I apologise for my use of 'normal', that was just a bad choice of word, wasn't meant to offend.

I'm also fairly confident that family being unable to attend definitely wasn't the reason for the video.

I think I'm just a bit divided, on the one hand I understand the need to have something to help you remember, on the other it felt very intrusive and made a few people very self-conscious.

OP posts:

Lucked · 09/01/2017 20:43

The priest gave such a nice eulogy of my dad, I wouldn't mind hearing it again.

PetalMettle · 09/01/2017 20:45

We did it for A relatives memorial service as he had a son too young to attend.

BabychamSocialist · 09/01/2017 20:47

We recorded my sister's humanist funeral because it was more like a memorial than a sad event. We basically all got up and told stories about her, the whole place was rocking with laughter, we played her favourite music and all that stuff. She was only in her 40s so we didn't want it to be a sad affair and we wanted to record it for my nephew who was only 10 at the time so he'd be able to look back and see what his mum was like.

But it isn't the norm really, although it is in other countries.

pipsqueak25 · 09/01/2017 20:48

i have a photo of a close friend in open casket, i wasn't able to go to see him so had a photo taken, he looked so peaceful after having had so much pain, it was a great comfort at the time.

WonderMike · 09/01/2017 21:00

A friend of mine did this as her children was so young at the time (6, 4, 2) and she wanted them to see their father's funeral when they were old enough. It was photos rather than video though.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 09/01/2017 21:12

We've facetimed a funeral in the UK for our antipodean family members.

It was odd. But gave a bit of levity to a difficult day.

napmeistergeneral · 09/01/2017 21:16

Of all the times in life when you'd hope that people didn't have to worry about normal / what's expected /what others might think blah blah, surely it's death. I'm sure there was a reason, be it relatives in far flung places or the wish to preserve the memory.

But also, being self conscious about video at a funeral is surely like worrying about your dress at a wedding - unless you're the main act, no-one is going to notice you....

Fabellini · 09/01/2017 21:26

In a weird way, I wouldn't mind now having a video of dh's funeral because I cried all the way through it, and can't remember who was there.....but it wouldn't have crossed my mind at the time to do it, and I don't think if I was to do it again, I would. So basically, I am very much in two minds!
I did take two photos of him in the coffin before they closed the lid. He didn't look peaceful, he didn't look like him at all....but then, he hadn't looked like himself for a long time....but I just needed to hang on to something, anything, before he was gone forever and completely. That was in the room at the funeral directors though, and no one else knows I've got them. The only person I would ever show is ds - he chose not to go and see his dad, and if he ever expresses regret about that, then I'll tell him.

Fidelia · 09/01/2017 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomethingLikeFlying · 09/01/2017 21:32

For some people it is normal. For others it isn't. There is no "one way is the right way" about it.

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