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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

**Trigger Warning** Why has she stood by him?

105 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/01/2017 22:10

www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/dad-who-fancies-little-girls-9581445

AIBU too find this lady utterly crazy, and words fail me on how to describe him.

OP posts:
hollinhurst84 · 08/01/2017 15:21

slithy - that's exactly the wording I was looking for. I'm just looking at it from a slightly different view and with the people who are out there and not offending but not getting help/treatment etc
I'm not supporting it by any stretch, I have given video evidence and behind a screen which resulted in a 12 year sentence for a prolific offender

EnormousTiger · 08/01/2017 15:22

Thoughts are not crimes. Some people get aroused by thnking of sex with a goat or the piano leg or whatever. If it is just thoughts and the person does not act on them then it is not illegal. We should feel very sorry for those with a different kind of sexuality from the rest who do not act on it. We also need more research into this so we can stop it before the baby is born - if you could ensure your child was born without any impulses to want sex with children would you do whatever it took to ensure they were spared the difficulties of life with that inclination? I expect most of us would.

klassy · 08/01/2017 15:23

Because we don't have to be hated by all of society, and we don't hate ourselves for our desires. We don't have to think we're sick and disgusting, or that people could kill us, burn our houses or abuse our families if they somehow catch wind of our desires. We don't have Something Forbidden to torture ourselves with generally. We don't have to live alone generally or live in terror of looking at someone wrong.

My needs happen to be 100% acceptable to society (and rather old-fashioned too - one boyfriend who I later married and love completely). That's complete luck as far as I know.

I can't understand not sympathising - I can only wonder if we're talking about different concepts?

If I wouldn't want to be someone I pity them. It's not the same as accepting or praising or liking them for that attribute. Or letting them off when they cross the line. Just being sorry for them that they have it. Does that make sense? It's not something I'd ever want to be.

klassy · 08/01/2017 15:25

Yy Hollin, same on not supporting it, and I still remember the fucking awfulness of it all and the endless police investigation too.

SpartacusWoman · 08/01/2017 15:28

I think the programme that a few pps have mentioned in which a young man spoke of how he lived as a hermit because he was desperate to not offend was the documentary called "the peadophile next door"

He was very different to the bloke in the OP, he knew in coming out in the documentary that his family and friends would disown him, but he seemed desperate to do anything to stop himself feeling the way he did.

There's a link below to an article about the documentary at the time, irrc it's on Netflix too.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11252821/Paedophiles-We-need-to-support-the-good-ones.html

SemiNormal · 08/01/2017 15:29

because that's their only attraction, they will never have a "normal" relationship. - this isn't true of all paedophiles. Some have primary and secondary attractions, so some will ONLY be attracted to children, others will also be attracted to women/men and will be able to get on with their lives with relative ease. Others, who are only attracted to children seem to have a much harder time in my experience.

Lateralthinker2016 · 08/01/2017 15:53

That article made me feel sick Confused

hungryhippo90 · 08/01/2017 16:44

It makes me sick, he isn't a virtuous paedophile.
He's a straight up paedophile.
Someone who's on a diet, tends to try and avoid cake shops, because they know they shouldn't bloody have it.
But this "virtuous" paedophile, who's a foster carer/teacher, has managed to not offend whilst doing all he can to be around those who he is most attracted to?
Makes me sick to my stomach.

Don't even get me started on the false memories.

And as for the wife, she's just as sick as he!
If I were her, I couldn't have that scumbag touch me, let alone knowing he had spent, how long surrounding himself with vulnerable kids?
He can't say for one moment his sexual desire for these children wasn't what spurred him along to become a foster carer! Anyone who was seriously trying not to offend would be keeping themselves away from children.

I'm going to sound awful now, but doesn't he look just like what he is? Sometimes you can spot em a mile off!

dollydaydream114 · 08/01/2017 17:05

I'm not justifying it in any terms but there must be people out there who are attracted to children, hate it and have never offended?

Yes, there certainly are plenty of people out there like that. I feel sorry for them and they need help. Most of those people absolutely hate themselves for what they are and wish they were something different.

I just don't think this man is one of them. He chose, knowing that he was a paedophile, to become a father and a teacher, and then to become a foster parent and fill his home with vulnerable children. That is not the behaviour of a man who is determined not to act on his feelings. That is the behaviour of a predatory paedophile trying to get as much access to children as possible.

He even admits he has 'done things he shouldn't'.

munchkinmaster · 08/01/2017 18:56

Some of the language in that article which is appropriated from gay culture, "coming out" being "exclusive" (rather than bi etc) is concerning. I find it really worrying as an attempt to present paedophelia as just another type of sexuality.

I'm no expert but I think for many paedophiles the attraction is the power differential and the ability to dominate and rape. It's not the same as a sexual preference for men, women, goats piano legs etc.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 08/01/2017 19:22

A paedophile is someone who HAS sexuallly assaulted a child. Not someone who has urges and is sexually attracted to a child.

So someone who has never acted on these urges is not a paedophile.
However, I do agree that these people need support. I suspect that because they haven't done anything (yet) they aren't deeemed ill enough to warrant support though.

Miserylovescompany2 · 08/01/2017 19:49

He's admitted that he's done things that he should not have.

"I knew I was attracted to girls, maybe I was a little close, maybe I hugged them too tight, maybe I did some things I shouldn’t have done."

So, thus far he's had a career as a teacher, then fostered children? Of all the things he could of chosen, he made a choice to be around children. I'm assuming he taught children?

One of the foster children had "false memories" or maybe he had selective amnesia?

KayTee87 · 08/01/2017 19:51

A peadophile is someone who is attracted to children, a child molester is someone who acts on these urges.

Christmasmice · 08/01/2017 19:57

Some of the language in that article which is appropriated from gay culture, "coming out" being "exclusive" (rather than bi etc) is concerning. I find it really worrying as an attempt to present paedophelia as just another type of sexuality.

I completely agree. This is a fairly overt attempt to normalise attraction to children and it stinks. What a creep.

FinallyReportedHim2 · 08/01/2017 19:59

Didactylos "The whole article strikes me as a manipulative and pre-emptive defence against accusation - he's admitting 'something' in a way that allows him to set and control the narrative."
That's exactly what went through my mind too. My abuser tried similar, luckily the jury saw straight through it and found him guilty!

The whole article makes me feel sick.

Stilltryingtobeme · 08/01/2017 20:05

Worst thing about this is... I don't think it's unusual. My mother stood by my abuser. I Was The one ruining everything!

Totally agree that those who don't act should be given help though. I believe they're trialling something in Germany@?

HaveToGoAnnonnymuus · 08/01/2017 20:10

I've name changed for obvious reasons. A very close family member has stuck with her husband who is a convicted sex offender and her reason for doing so is that everyone has a history and that because her husband has been in prison and served his time and is getting treatment (yes they 'treat' sex offenders with therapy) she has no reason not to stand by him. Despite him being convicted of multiple offences and allegations of many more.

This has had awful ramifications through the family. The offender has, to all intents and purposes, been welcomed home with open arms and anyone who doesn't welcome him home is shunned by the woman, including her own children.

The mentality is bemusing to say the least. She is as manipulative as he is and he is certainly a narcissist. She is almost certainly complicit in his offending and I wouldn't be surprised if she helps him offend again. Her behaviour is truly strange.

StealthPolarBear · 08/01/2017 20:18

Fostering too not just near children but sharing a house with usually vulnerable children. He is definitely trying to cover something.

Queenie04 · 08/01/2017 20:19

I can believe the number of people on this thread expressing sympathy. I sympathise for the victims, potential victims and any person targeted by people like this.

SemiNormal · 08/01/2017 20:25

A paedophile is someone who HAS sexuallly assaulted a child. Not someone who has urges and is sexually attracted to a child. - Nope. A child molester is someone who has sexually assaulted a child, a paedophile has not necessarily assaulted a child but has an attraction to them. Not all child molesters are paedophiles either.

Stilltryingtobeme · 08/01/2017 20:44

Havetogo... Sounds like my mother!

Queenie04 · 08/01/2017 20:49

Semi normal You can argue semantics all you like but same thing to me. No sympathy over here

klassy · 08/01/2017 21:05

As a former victim, thanks for your limited version of "sympathy" Queenie. I feel a similar level of disbelief at people like you - not going to type the exact same posts again and again though!

Flowers Still.

SemiNormal · 08/01/2017 21:27

You can argue semantics all you like but same thing to me. No sympathy over here - I'm not saying you should have sympathy but you should be mindful of your terminology.

Imagine a 15yr old boy who is discovering he is sadly attracted to children. He wants help but is fearful. He starts to look online to see if there are other people like him, people who have this attraction but do not want to offend. Yet all he sees are comments stating that whether he offends or not he is still a disgusting person worthy of the same kind of hatred as those who do offend. What message do you think it sends to that person? I have spoken to non-offending paedophiles, many stated that in their teens they attempted or considered suicide .... I'm sure some people will think 'great' .... but what if it was your child, your nephew or niece? People, especially parents, are scared their children will be the victim of a paedophile ... but what if your child became a paedophile? Would you not want them to be able to seek help? to be able to come to you for support? or would you rather they just kill themselves and be done with it?

If we want to get rid of child abuse then surely we need to start by dealing with the root cause, which is the sexual attraction to young children, but how can that ever happen when even non-offending paedophiles cannot come forward for help or research?

FWIW I'm not saying this man is an 'innocent' person, I have no idea, certainly some of his comments are extremely questionable. That's not to say that there aren't paedophiles out there who don't offend, there are possibly thousands upon thousands, and those people, in my opinion, need help and support rather than villification - I honestly don't see how treating them the same as offenders will help prevent child abuse.

slithytove · 08/01/2017 21:30

On a very minor scale, I once had a friend who liked porn.

He started to watch more and more hardcore porn till eventually that was what it took to get himself off. He hated this about himself, was embarrassed, disgusted with it, and refused to have sex or relationships as he didn't want to be that way.

I guess it's that on a larger scale. I felt very sorry for him and glad it wasn't me.

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