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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about mates rates/favours for friends?

111 replies

Blinkybell · 06/01/2017 20:53

A bit of background - I like sewing, knitting, etc and in recent years I've really got into quilting.

I had a load of unfinished projects floating about, so about 18 months ago I started finishing them off and sold them on Etsy, over time I've made them for friends as gifts, for friends of friends, etc and have now sold quite a few and I have a few orders on the go at the moment

I also have a full time job, kids, dog, normal family stuff

Anyway, to cut a long story short, a friend has asked me to make a quilt as a present for her mum. She texted a few days ago to ask me if I'd do her a favour and make a "little something" and she'd "provide all the material" for her mums birthday at the end of the month, I replied that it depended on what the 'little something' was as I was pretty busy at the moment. She asked if she could come over and show me.

Turns out that she wants me to make a pretty complicated double bed size quilt, from shirts that belonged to her late father. It's lovely, but there's nothing 'little' about it.

I apologised and explained that I just didn't have time, I had work and some paid for orders that had to take priority. I said she could leave it with me and I'd do it over the next few weeks, suggested some simpler designs, a smaller quilt or cushion covers maybe, but she wanted to stick with her original idea, so I had to say, sorry but no can do.

She got really huffy and passive aggressive and has been bad mouthing me to a couple of mutual friends.

I'm really pissed off with her, I'd really like to cut down my hours at work and sell more of my stuff so I feel that it have to prioritise prior, paying orders over favours.

I'm happy to make her the quilt, but it will be as and when and will go to the back of the queue whenever I get a paid for order

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 06/01/2017 21:50

My sewing teacher always said that friends and family will keep your poor.

mimishimmi · 06/01/2017 21:52

The badmouthing makes her look stupid. If someone badmouthed a mutual friend to me about something like this I'd listen and nod my head but inside I would either be a) seething - because she had asked similar favours of me in the past or b) determined - not to let her know about any creative pursuits I had.

I've had similar requests for dance costumes and did do some last year for a reduced rate (they still had to buy the materials) This year I was just too busy so I said I couldn't do it and I got suggestive moans about having to pay hundreds for costumes etc ..

dustarr73 · 06/01/2017 21:53

I would say you got off lightly.She would have been a nightmare.Plus your real friends will know what you are like.

Madeyemoodysmum · 06/01/2017 21:57

My mum does quilting and £150 sounds cheap for the work involved.
Bin her. She isn't a friend.

tralaaa · 06/01/2017 21:58

A massive well done for saying no

Mouse510 · 06/01/2017 21:59

You are most definitely not BU. My OH is a maker and we have "friends" that don't seem to appreciate what his time is worth. The materials are expensive but it's the time that really costs. It is a tough way to make a living and I don't think many people realise it's his income not a hobby. You have all my sympathy.

hanban89 · 06/01/2017 22:01

My mum is a quilter and I have made a couple smallish ones and they do take forever! It's lots of work! And it's not cheap to make even if she was providing the top fabric.

The bad mouthing is bad, but at least your friends were trying to put her straight as well.
And also stop doing friends stuff for free/cost price! Offer a discount if you want but you have to charge something for time!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2017 22:02

She was cheeky and trying it on. Wanted something for nothing. She is no friend, I would not make her quilt after that!

Hippee · 06/01/2017 22:06

I think you should invite her round for a coffee and some tips on how to make it herself Wink. My mum has done this to people who wanted her to do stuff for them, and some have actually had the cheek to say that they can't be bothered.

Hippee · 06/01/2017 22:07

P.S. I have been making a patchwork quilt for about 15 years - this has just prompted me to go and try to finish it.

Original poster
Blinkybell · 06/01/2017 22:08

Thanks all!

I was beginning to feel quite mean about saying no - late father/gift for mother was pressing my guilt buttons

Totally agree about "can you just". Always precedes being asked a massive favour, guaranteed to get my back up. It's a case of "just", do it yourself!

But yes, no more not charging and favours (unless they are really, really good mates who won't take the piss or expect the earth). I'd like to sell more and work less so I need to be more careful with my time.

OP posts:
Waterlemon · 06/01/2017 22:09

You might want to show her this...

how much?

Honeypot1 · 06/01/2017 22:17

This reminds me of a cake making thread a while back, where someone was shocked their friend didn't fall over themselves to complete a cake taking prob 2-3 days (including design, shopping baking and decorating) work even though they were providing eggs and sugar "for free'. The design they'd asked for was a £300+ cake for a reason! Someone did the maths on crafts and it sticks in my mind that your time, your experience, all the past materials and failed attempts are added to the value of your work.

Since then I've purchased so much more locally made products, as I see that everyone, including artists deserve minimum wage. So, sit down, think how long it would take you, and make peace with the fact this friend may not fully value your art.

If she values your friendship, I'd try and calmly explain exactly what you've said here (you'd love to go pro, time is limited, it's taken a long time to build the expertise required to get to a level where people are prepared to pay good money for your art etc) and she'll fall over herself to not only give you materials, but money too.

And flowers.

And cake from a local baker, not from the supermarket! Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 06/01/2017 22:18

Blinky after treating you like rubbish I would have nothing more to do with her, let alone do her quilt. She should try calling some seamstresses etc, and see how expensive it is! You sound really nice, and she is taking the piss!

ragdoll700 · 06/01/2017 22:49

I was also thinking 150 sounds cheap for what she wanted even with materials (some) this would take soooooooooo much time my SIL made a lovely crochet quilt for my LO when she was born I love it soooo much its still on her bed years later, I didnt get it till she was 6 months old as paid work took priority it was a gift but a much appreciated one I and she love it.

rollonthesummer · 06/01/2017 22:54

And cake from a local baker, not from the supermarket

I would happily buy a supermarket cake rather than spend £75 on a homemade cake (which takes hours and the maker deserves paying) but I can't afford £75 so that's the reason. I wouldn't ever assume someone wanted to spend hours making something for me for hours of their time without payment though!!

Atenco · 06/01/2017 23:44

£150 sounds cheap for the work involved

I always insist that people charge me the going rate. Crafts associated with women's traditional roles are notoriously badly paid, do not contribute to this.

I think if what you are doing is just a hobby it is fine to give your work away, but not when it is your business.

Willow2016 · 07/01/2017 00:07

You know she is taking the p cos she thought she was getting something fabulous for free and going to take all the credit for the present.

Definately no more freebies for anyone unless YOU chose to.

£150 to make a double quilt is nothing, all that material and time, pfft she hasnt a clue. What does she think goes into the inside of a quilt, how does she think you will make it without backing, padding, thread etc?

A good quilt is an heirloom, the silly girl.

Put a message on to tell her to get her facts right before she slags you off in future.

IMissGrannyW · 07/01/2017 00:24

suggested text/email:

Dear Friend - I understand through hearing from mutual friends that you're upset I haven't taken on the work you asked me to carry out. I'm disappointed you spoke to them rather than speaking to me directly, but let me just explain....

Firstly, I'm trying to take this 'hobby' to another level, and as such, I HAVE to take on paying clients before doing favours for friends. I'm happy to do favours for friends - including you - but those jobs need to be fitted in between the ones that pay.

I'm not asking you for money, but just to clarify, to do the job you've asked for would take me about xxxx hours (it really isn't something I can whip up whilst watching an episode of Eastenders!), and so if I was paid the minimum wage, the payment for this for my time alone would be yyyy. I'd be happy to waive that for you as a friend, but you also HAVEN'T provided all the materials.... I'd have to buy zzz, aaa, bbb, ccc at a cost of around dddd.

I hope you appreciate that even with waiving my usual fee, you're actually asking me to SPEND money (on the materials you haven't provided) and put aside paid work in order to complete.

This isn't about me taking money from you as a friend, it's about how much I'd lose if I did this. I hope as a friend you understand, and will either give me more time to complete the job (even though that doesn't fit into your timetable) OR find someone else to do the job for you OR we can talk about what's reasonable for you to pay given what you now know. I'm sure there's a compromise in this.

But please don't bad-mouth me to others - it's really not nice.

all the best....

HerOtherHalf · 07/01/2017 00:31

Tell her to piss off. Mates rates should be offered by the person doing the work, if they feel so inclined, not assumed by the customer. I give my friends business as and when I can and always pay the full rate. I'm going to them to support their business as a friend should. Why then would i want them to cut their margin? Your friend is no friend, just an acquaintance chancing their luck.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/01/2017 00:48

So fking rude. Angry

I agree with the poster who said women's craft work is undervalued. Would she ask a builder mate to do crazy paving for free because she provided the material?! Hmm

Do not feel bad AT ALL.

emmyhNL · 07/01/2017 05:21

I'd be so annoyed if a friend did that. Definitely stick to your guns!

mimishimmi · 07/01/2017 05:45

Koala: She probably would you know!! Something along the lines of ..

"I'll pay for the tiles but would you just mind laying them down for me? I'll tag you on Instagram. My dad passed away last year or he definitely would have done it"

Dad's family are all builders/plumbers and you would be surprised at the # of requests like these... often from people who sniff at their choice of profession too Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2017 08:22

She is no friend badmouthing you, IMissGranny, that e mail is too polite, after how she treated you I woukd have nothing more to do with her. She's a user. So she wasent really providing materials, just the shirts. You woukd be short in the pocket as you would have to provide tge extra materials needed to make it a quilt, and hours and hours of your time!

ILoveDolly · 07/01/2017 08:36

I run a small business making handmade toys and after a few occasions of getting totally shafted I now DON'T do mates rates. True friends appreciate that your time and skill are worth paying for. I also don't give discounts, raffle prizes, charity donations etc to any of the cheeky fekkers on Etsy who try to get things for nothing.
(I do other charity stuff that I have chosen to do if you think I sound a bit harsh)