What would you do with this information after being good with DH for a few years?

[MadJeffBarn]

I'll try not to drip feed but I'll try and keep it short...
4 years ago my dh formed a friendship with a girl he worked with. This developed into more, although he swears blind nothing ever happened physically between them. It's such a long story but it was a horrible time in my life, I had PND with our 9 month old daughter at the time, and I know I was pushing him away but he sought solice in her. Eventually it all kicked off because o was tired of feeling second best, he admitted he had feelings for her but still wanted to hang out with her, because, and i quote, 'he didn't want to upset her because all her male friends fancy her and they always end up falling out' and so I kicked him out. He went to the office christmas party and got trashed, which I knew about.
I was told by one of his coworkers that him and the girl in question had a huge argument, and he left. But ive since found out they left together. When I questioned my dh, he said he was so drunk he doesn't even remember arguing with her. I asked him, does he think they slept together... and he said honestly, I don't know.
We've spent the last 4 years working at our relationship, and he's been an absolute angel, both in being faithful and in our relationship in general. But it's playing on my mind. This whole portion of my life was one of the most horrific things I've ever been through, I'm certainly not a jealous person and that's why it was so hard. I drove myself crazy and the only reason i decided to let him back in was because i believed nothing physical ever happened. Should I just leave it? There's no way to prove either way anyway.

Not really a cheating story, but a few years ago i was playing an online game with my best friend who had been drinking who told me during the game that he loved me and wished i would leave my boyfriend and be with him, and he'd had day dreams about marrying me. I asked him the next day when he was sober if he had meant what he said to me the night before and he said he had no recollection of the night, even when i told him the things he'd said he claimed no knowledge and that he hadn't meant them. We ended up losing contact, not falling out as such but just being in different places with our lives (he was 17 i was 25). We got back in touch early last year and got talking again. By now i had split up with my boyfriend, albeit not by choice but down to complications with health issues and him needing space, but we're still friends with the hopeful possibility of getting back together one day. So i was and still am committed to my ex, but he saw the fact i was technically single as a green light. He admitted to me he DID in fact have full recollection of that night he told me he loved me, wanted to be together and he had pictured us together and marrying. Not only did he remember saying it but he had 100% meant every word of it. He told me he had always felt we were meant to be, he just knew i wouldn't have left my boyfriend and worried it would affect our friendship so he played the "i was too drunk to remember" card
I genuinely believed he didn't remember, but given he was a massive binge drinker and i knew how much he'd drank that night and the fact i don't drink it never crossed my mind he could be lying. It's definitely made me cautious of people who claim they have no memory, as it's an easy "out" to pass the guilt or blame for what they've said/done.

Why do you have this burning need to Know now, four years later? What will it achieve? You admit your relationship was in crisis and that you were both at least partly to blame for that. You already know he had what most would consider to be an emotional affair but you are still with him. He has chosen you, you have chosen him, you both chose to work on your marriage and you are much happier and stable now.

What good will picking at this scab do?

They probably gave slept together but I don't agree with the theory that once unfaithful, always unfaithful.

I had a brief fling one year into a relationship. It lasted a month. I was 22. The whole thing made me realise how much I missed/loved my DH. Thankfully he forgave me. We have been together 25 years now and have a very secure relationship.

I don't like the steeeotype that affairs are due to relationship issues: more likely due to choices/flaws of the cheater!

Even if you were "pushing him away" at the time, that was no excuse for an affair. He let you down at an important and difficult time of your life. Instead of helping you and parenting he was pursuing an OW.

It doesn't sound like he took responsibility, and didn't and still hasn't given you the truth about his relationship with OW: no wonder you're still pissed off!

Hmm I'd say he did sleep with her I'm afraid.
Even if you didn't remember DTD you'd presumably wake up next to each other, nakedtje following morning and you'd just know. I would anyway.

Happy people, don't cheat.

He wasn't happy at the time & its so obvious he cheated.

Happy people, don't cheat. He wasn't happy at the time & its so obvious he cheated

God this thread is depressing. So that's OK is it? His wife is struggling with post-natal depression and he feels a bit unhappy, so it's 'obvious' he cheated. So if someone's spouse got diagnosed with cancer, would it also be 'obvious' that they would cheat?

Also the 'happy people don't cheat' thing is a myth that people tell themselves to convince themselves that it will never happen to them. In fact, most people cheat because they are cheats and believe that they can get away with it without their partner finding out.

I'm just at everyone saying ignore it and move on.

If you discovered your partner had an affair 4 years ago, you presumably wouldn't shrug and say "oh well, it's been ages, never mind!" would you?

OP, no wonder this is playing at you. And no, you don't need to ignore it all to keep things steady now. You don't owe anyone anything like that.

Personally I couldn't live with the distrust, and think if you do have a stable, happy relationship worth keeping, then you should be able to discuss things like this together. Even four years on when it hits you unexpectedly again. What's the point in a life partner you can't be honest with?

Sorry posted too soon - my advice would be to talk to him if that's possible, and if you feel you can't or it would be too difficult, maybe talk to a counsellor on your own first to clarify things, or a couples counsellor?

Counselling is often a good idea anyway.

You will never know the truth.
You can either tear yourself apart imagining all sorts, or tell yourself you are going to believe him and move forward.

I have been at work's parties and had fun the next day telling people about what they did/said and they don't always seem to remember.

^ you know people really hate people doing this. If you don't mind your co-workers disliking you then on you go but in case you genuinely didn't know, this is really seen as not a nice thing to do.

Op I think he did have sex with her, whether you can get past that is up to you but he needs to be honest.

I don't think anyone can tell you what you should do - you say your relationship is good now, and that may well be worth hanging on to.

I can tell you how I would feel - for me it would be a deal breaker. First and foremost because when you were suffering from PND- a horrible thing to deal with, he made it about him and how hard it was for him, and sought 'solace' elsewhere. Where did you get your solace? - when you needed him most he was looking at another woman.

Secondly - he almost certainly slept with her. That would be a deal breaker for me (I would have zero tolerance) but I know some people can move past that if it was a ONS. The lying about it and the claiming not to remember would be the hardest thing for me to deal with, and the emotional affair he had with her.

I also subscribe to the 'once a cheater always a cheater' - from personal experience . But I realise that is only my personal experience and others may tell you that cheaters can reform.

So it is the 'you were ill, it was very hard for me and so I went with another woman' that I would find unforgiveable, It is such a totally self absorbed and unempathetic attitude. He was your partner, he should have been looking after you when you needed him, what if you become ill again - will he feel justified in looking elsewhere? Ask yourself if he were very ill would your reaction to his illness be to find another man?

I think that is where you anger lies, and that is what you are struggling to get over, You have lost trust and confidence in him because you know that when the chips are down he can't be relied upon to be there for you.
That might be something you can talk through and resolve, that is your call, but I do think that if you don't address the whole episode with him your anger will fester.

And he cheated on you - so you have a right to ask whatever you want, to have your feelings heard, and to do it in your time. he may want to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened, you don't have to do that if you need to work through it.

I don't think anyone else had mentioned it yet but if you're now able to admit to yourself that he likely did have sex with her, you should probably consider a full std screen too. He probably didn't use a condom and some diseases are symptom less and take years to manifest - chlamydia for one.

Well the science behind alcohol induced blackouts suggests that your hippocampus shuts down when you've got X amount of alcohol in your blood. You don't make long term memories.

The reason you can't remember anything the next day is because there is nothing there to remember.

Drunk people who are in a blackout still look like they're functioning and can access their long term memories (so can hold an engaging conversation) but they repeat themselves in a drunk loop, if you talk to them long enough. They're not remembering that they just told he same story 10 or 20 min ago.