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Original poster

What would you do with this information after being good with DH for a few years?

114 replies

MadJeffBarn · 06/01/2017 17:53

I'll try not to drip feed but I'll try and keep it short...
4 years ago my dh formed a friendship with a girl he worked with. This developed into more, although he swears blind nothing ever happened physically between them. It's such a long story but it was a horrible time in my life, I had PND with our 9 month old daughter at the time, and I know I was pushing him away but he sought solice in her. Eventually it all kicked off because o was tired of feeling second best, he admitted he had feelings for her but still wanted to hang out with her, because, and i quote, 'he didn't want to upset her because all her male friends fancy her and they always end up falling out' and so I kicked him out. He went to the office christmas party and got trashed, which I knew about.
I was told by one of his coworkers that him and the girl in question had a huge argument, and he left. But ive since found out they left together. When I questioned my dh, he said he was so drunk he doesn't even remember arguing with her. I asked him, does he think they slept together... and he said honestly, I don't know.
We've spent the last 4 years working at our relationship, and he's been an absolute angel, both in being faithful and in our relationship in general. But it's playing on my mind. This whole portion of my life was one of the most horrific things I've ever been through, I'm certainly not a jealous person and that's why it was so hard. I drove myself crazy and the only reason i decided to let him back in was because i believed nothing physical ever happened. Should I just leave it? There's no way to prove either way anyway.

OP posts:
DoJo · 06/01/2017 19:24

You say he's been an 'angel' for the last four years, but I think that you get the measure of someone by how they treat you when the chips are down.

He wasn't an angel when you had pnd and he was of getting his jollies elsewhere was he?

And since then, he's been letting you believe that it's your fault he embarked an emotional affair because you were suffering so much with your mental health that you couldn't take time out of your depression to make him feel special.

What if you need him to step up again? Where will he be? Lying to you and getting cheap thrills from some flattering attention at work and making excuses of why he needs to prioritise this 'friend' over you even when you tell him that his friendship is making you feel worse?

Or knee deep in it with you doing whatever it takes to help you and your child?

pklme · 06/01/2017 19:24

No, it's old news, irrelevant.

What matters now is how you are getting on now. Have you rebuilt the relationship, learned from your mistakes, made things work?

If so, mistakes and arguments from years ago are not relevant.

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 19:25

I was told around the time that they had the argument and he got really drunk that he left on his own

Right, so at the time he said he COULD remember what happened which was that they had an argument and he left on his own. You have now heard from a third party that they left together and suddenly he had a blackout and can't remember anything.

Also, unless he has a medical condition, I do not believe the blackout story. It might in a few rare cases be possible for a man to black out completely from drink and forget having sex, but this would be awfully convenient to have happened right when he was seen leaving with someone he was having an EA with. Also, if it did I would expect him to have suffered total blackouts before (it's quite a concerning thing, medically).

FWIW I have twice gotten extremely drunk to the extent of falling unconscious and being hospitalised (wild youth). I could remember the majority of both occasions (not where I was unconscious but the bits where I wasn't). Complete blackouts are rare and it would be very rare to be fully conscious and able to have sex during one.

Believeitornot · 06/01/2017 19:26

I've had a similar experience with my DH and I thought I'd made my peace. However our relationship isn't as good as it was and it's playing on my mind again. There have been triggers - just not sure he's being faithful at the moment. And that's why I'm questioning everything.

What I know is that I don't think it would be right to raise it now. I should tackle the issues that I have now.

Is there anything else to make you question your relationship again?

Serialweightwatcher · 06/01/2017 19:27

You stayed with him then and I would think you were pretty sure they had slept with each other at the time even though you had no proof ... you've both been doing well in the meantime, but you've been brought back to that place in your life following the conversation and it's bound to feel raw again, plus his 'don't know' answer was ridiculous. Try to put it out of your mind - if you decided to stay then, it would be a shame to drive yourself mad now and ruin what you have.

grannytomine · 06/01/2017 19:28

To all the people who say they know if they've slept with someone however drunk they were, have you ever thought that you only know about the ones you remember and there might be others you don't remember?

grannytomine · 06/01/2017 19:29

Just to clarify I am asking because I've never been drunk so I have no idea.

Crunchymum · 06/01/2017 19:29

Just to clarify OP:

For 4 years you thought they had left separately, then a week ago you find out they left together? You ask him, he admits it but he tells you he can't remember if they had sex? Is this correct?

If so then you have every right to feel angry. All the work you have done on the relationship in the past 4 years has been done so on lies?

Crowdblundering · 06/01/2017 19:31

My OH went away for three months, I had a one night stand and told him after he returned.

He said he forgave me but behind my back went off and had an affair with some random women off the internet for several months.

He left me out of the blue and refused to communicate for a month.

It was hell and I was totally distraught.

He came back and things were very hard and we blamed each other and fought and I didn't think we would ever get past it,

He then went away again and when he returned we had counselling for a year.

We are now really really happy and we have totally rebuilt the trust (he lives away) and have forgiven each other. We even take the piss out of each other and what we did. We never check each orgers phones.

We get married this year. We never ever bring up the past in malice.

It is possible to move past an affair.

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 19:31

To all the people who say they know if they've slept with someone however drunk they were, have you ever thought that you only know about the ones you remember and there might be others you don't remember?

No. Because I have never suffered a total blackout and it's not very common unless you have a medical condition or fall unconscious.

Plus what you are talking about is rape. If someone is so incapacitated that next day they cannot remember, then they cannot have consented to sex.

Tbh, men who say they can have sex and then not remember any of it, worry me a bit.

1horatio · 06/01/2017 19:32

granny

Where did you wake up? Still wearing panties? A bra? Tights? Who did you leave with, according to your friends? Do you feel sore? Any sticky residue...? Used condo,?

That sort of stuff. I luckily never had to wonder that way... but I imagine that this is how it would go.

1horatio · 06/01/2017 19:33

I did once have a blackout. But I know exactly what happened... it was recounted gleefully...'

Original poster
MadJeffBarn · 06/01/2017 19:37

Unrelated to this in a way but I've had total blackout twice, it's utterly amazing I'm alive. First one, left a house party with an ex on the back of his moped... I 'came to' in McDonald's eating. Ide somehow held on on the 10 minute drive into town, walked through town, apparently sat in the snow while waiting for McDonald's to open, ordered paid and found a table. It was about 3 hours of my life I cannot recollect at all. Second one, apparently I left a club, and was trying to get a taxi. Woke up in a total randoms house in a town 30 minutes away. I was 16 with both of these, safe to say I haven't drank like that since!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 06/01/2017 19:37

To all the people who say they know if they've slept with someone however drunk they were, have you ever thought that you only know about the ones you remember and there might be others you don't remember?

There is physical evidence that sex took place, for women.

Eevee77 · 06/01/2017 19:41

But surely he must have spoke to her afterwards? It must have been referred to if they had? If he really can't remember there's a change he didn't use protection either. I'm not sure I could forgive that and it would eat me up forever, not knowing what happened.

If you can move on and want to move on then do it. No point opening up old wounds if you're happy, even knowing the worst case scenario. But I couldn't

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 06/01/2017 19:47

You know he had sex with her. I'd go so far as to say you knew it 4 years ago, that's why you threw him out in the first place, before the xmas party shag even happened. On that basis you decided to take him back-I wouldn't have but you did-to be tormenting yourself now about something you knew way back then is stupid, you've either forgiven & moved on or you haven't, if you haven't then now is the time to ditch him, because he's a cheat.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/01/2017 19:47

If you're not that annoyed/angry about it, then what are hoping to get from this thread?

Not asking that in an accusatory way. I just can't imagine not being totally floored by this new information, so it's hard for me to understand (a. why you're not that angry, and b. if you're not that angry, why you'd start a thread).

Original poster
MadJeffBarn · 06/01/2017 19:51

I think perhaps because deep down everyone is right, I think I knew they'd been sleeping together beforehand. I think my lack of anger is lack of shock. I feel more.. exasperated than anything. Like the last 4 years has been a lie, but it doesn't feel like a lie because we've been so good. I guess the point of this thread is some anonymous chat with people?

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 06/01/2017 19:52

Evan I just say, I for one can drink until I can't remember - not a skill I'm proud of. My DH husband and I once had a 'lost' night. We remember leaving a pub, we remember getting back to his brothers house (vaguely), but we have lost 2 hours. I came back covered in grass stains. Tis all I know.

All that said, he cheated regardless of PIV, but you seem to have moved on. Look forwards not back.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 06/01/2017 19:52

*Evan? Can,

crunched · 06/01/2017 19:55

The 'co-worker' had no doubt been drinking as well ... don't make decisions based on what could be, at best, a mis-remembered incident by a non-involved party.
Tiredness, stress and drink can certainly give some a pretty much total memory loss. I know from bitter experience.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Snowflakes1122 · 06/01/2017 19:56

So she appeared in you 'people you mau know' on Facebook? Wonder if she's been looking at your profile for that to have happened?

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/01/2017 20:02

I'm surprised at people saying 'just move on', 'forget it, it's in the past now', etc.

Either you can do this, or you can't. Maybe it's a mindset thing.

I wouldn't be able to, at all. It would always prey on my mind.

Someone telling me to 'just move on' would be as doable as telling me to fly to the moon and back.

Ginkypig · 06/01/2017 20:07

My feeling is you have a choice to make.

Either you leave the past in the past, even the bits you can't know for sure as unless Iv missed somthing your dh hasn't said he didn't he said he didn't know. Then get on with your marriage.

Or

You come to the conclusion that the possibility that he did sleep with her changes how you feel about it. In that circumstance the only option is to talk to him but you would have to be prepared may never get the answers you want/need and it could end the marriage.

I would sit him down and have a proper talk with him after you have had time to think about what you want, if the marriage is as good now as you say then it's strong enough to have a conversation about it.

My opinion on what's happ is irrelevant so I won't give it but I have noticed you say you should feel Angry. No you shouldn't, how you feel is just that and that's ok.

I will say though that if you choose to lay this to rest that doesn't mean you should put up with future behaviour

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 06/01/2017 20:09

The thing I think I would have the biggest problem with is this; you've built your house on sandy foundations. If he had an affair and you hashed it out, forgave him and moved on then that's one thing. But you haven't have you? You've swept it under the carpet, ignored it for years, possibly because you weren't strong enough I deal with it at the time. He's a snidey little prick who made you feel like it was your fault, oh I'm sure he's lovely now the PND has gone and the child sleeps all night but where was he when the chips were down and you heeded him? Out fucking someone else, that's where.....
Sandy foundations, now the house is starting to sink, do you get out before it collapses or yet again ignore your instincts and let it fall in on your head? Taking all your pride and self respect with it.....