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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do with this information after being good with DH for a few years?

114 replies

MadJeffBarn · 06/01/2017 17:53

I'll try not to drip feed but I'll try and keep it short...
4 years ago my dh formed a friendship with a girl he worked with. This developed into more, although he swears blind nothing ever happened physically between them. It's such a long story but it was a horrible time in my life, I had PND with our 9 month old daughter at the time, and I know I was pushing him away but he sought solice in her. Eventually it all kicked off because o was tired of feeling second best, he admitted he had feelings for her but still wanted to hang out with her, because, and i quote, 'he didn't want to upset her because all her male friends fancy her and they always end up falling out' and so I kicked him out. He went to the office christmas party and got trashed, which I knew about.
I was told by one of his coworkers that him and the girl in question had a huge argument, and he left. But ive since found out they left together. When I questioned my dh, he said he was so drunk he doesn't even remember arguing with her. I asked him, does he think they slept together... and he said honestly, I don't know.
We've spent the last 4 years working at our relationship, and he's been an absolute angel, both in being faithful and in our relationship in general. But it's playing on my mind. This whole portion of my life was one of the most horrific things I've ever been through, I'm certainly not a jealous person and that's why it was so hard. I drove myself crazy and the only reason i decided to let him back in was because i believed nothing physical ever happened. Should I just leave it? There's no way to prove either way anyway.

OP posts:

1horatio · 06/01/2017 18:36

He slept with her.

So, what would I do with that informif it was about DH?

I think I personally would be more upset about the emotional cheating and the disregard (stilll wanting to hang out with her) than the actual intercouse... so, I personally would feel that if we managed to overcome that we could overcome the physical cheating... but if DH couldn't fess up to it? That would be even more lying.

However, if you're happy with the relationship now it's probably best to let it go? If you can. If you genuinely can't you probably have to talk about this and then decide if you can stay with him?

ModreB · 06/01/2017 18:42

If he's been so good for the lat few years, could the co-worker be stirring the pot? Was the co-worker one of the flies around her that got rejected?

TBH I couldn't forgive the amount of betrayal of a pregnant and depressed, loyal partner with a young child, but if you did, and then made a sucess of the relationship, I absolutely admire you, while despising him.

ModreB · 06/01/2017 18:43

last sorry

Trifleorbust · 06/01/2017 18:45

It is possible that he doesn't know whether he shagged her but it strikes me as very convenient given that he was trying not to end his marriage. I suspect he did have sex with her.

Ikeameatballs · 06/01/2017 18:47

How did you find out if they left together?

expatinscotland · 06/01/2017 18:48

I think he had a full blown affair with her.

1horatio · 06/01/2017 18:48

trifle

Is it really? (Genuinely curious, btw).

I mean, if a man is that drunk, wouldn't he have trouble maintaining an erection?

SarcasmMode · 06/01/2017 18:49

Men aren't like women.

If a woman was too drunk she could still be penetrated.

If a man is so drunk he's unlikely to get it up.

So I think he did sleep with her and regrets it.
Me was a nasty bastard for doing that to you - kudos for trying to move past that.id tell him to tell everything and you'll try and get past it together. If not, you'll walk.

It's a terrible betrayal. I feel bad saying this but it's not going to help going round in circles.

Either -

A) he tells all and you try to move forward
B) he doesn't say and you stay in this perpetual cycle or
C) you leave him and start a new chapter in your life.

How remorseful he is would put into play whether I chose a or c.

You could always do c if a didn't work out.

I'm so sorry for the shit he's put you through.

ImpetuousBride · 06/01/2017 18:52

He doesn't remember...ok, there is a tiny chance that's true (though you know you don't believe it). Was he gone the whole night then? And where'd he wake up once sober?

Foxysoxy01 · 06/01/2017 18:54

Yes he probably did sleep with her and yes probably more than the once but that was when things were shit for you both.
It was crap of him he should have tried to fix your marriage or left but he didn't and you have both worked through everything so do you really want to throw all that hard work away for something that is in the past?

I would be getting a straight and honest answer from him though.

EvaSthlm · 06/01/2017 18:54

"Should I just leave it? " - you have to figure it out for yourself... nobody else knows... what do you want to do?

talksensetome · 06/01/2017 18:55

I think he probably did sleep with her but I also think that you overcame the emotional affair and you say you are happy. I wouldn't let this ruin it all again.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/01/2017 18:56

Of course he slept with her.

Whats worse is he knows it and that makes him a coward and a liar.

As he hasn't taken responsibility for it he will of course do it again. But after 4 years....its time to put up or shut up tbh.

MunchMunch · 06/01/2017 18:57

While I've had drunken memory loss I've still had snippets of memories (just to remind me of my cringyness) so surely he can remember something that would give him a clue as to whether he shagged her. Going back to her house/hotel/back lane, kissing her, undressing, getting home from wherever he was with her, something must ring a bell!

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 18:59

We've spent the last 4 years working at our relationship, and he's been an absolute angel, both in being faithful and in our relationship in general

Sorry, but being faithful is just common decency in a relationship, not being 'an absolute angel'. He was hardly an angel to you when you were going through PND. He repaid you by shagging one of his colleagues and treating you like shit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2017 18:59

You either need to let this go or split up. It's not fair on either of you to be in this static state. It's a life sentence for you both if you don't.

Yes, I know it's rubbish what he did and yes, I speak from personal experience.

peroxidebrown · 06/01/2017 19:03

He did, but it sounds as though it was a shit time from you both and you've moved on. He would have to voluntarily be zero contact with her though.

GahBuggerit · 06/01/2017 19:07

urgh, what is it with these man-children who get pissy when they realise they arent the centre of the fucking universe when a baby comes along?

complete game changer op. you forgave his emotional affair, not him shagging another woman which he obviously did. he must be so pissed off that his 4 year lie has come out.

i couldnt move on with this new information.

Trifleorbust · 06/01/2017 19:08

1horatio: Some men don't lose their erections when drunk. Memory loss can occur before someone is absolutely legless.

1horatio · 06/01/2017 19:12

trifle

Huh, interesting. When I was a student and liked to party I stayed away from men (preferred women). And nowadays I quite like men but don't drink anymore (am not really around very drunk people).

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2017 19:14

He's obvs not going to admit it if he did. So you will have to decide if you can live with the worst case scenario. That means instead of trying to convince yourself that he didn't, you must tell yourself that he did and ask yourself if you can live with that. I couldn't. Infidelity, even if it's only what I believe happened based on past behaviour and the current circumstances, is a deal breaker.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/01/2017 19:16

Of course it's possible that he had a genuine black-out, but where did he wake up the next morning? At (your) home? What time did he get home - do you remember?

It's hard to imagine someone stopping drinking, going to someone's house (or a hotel), having sex and then making their way home, and not remembering any of that.

You must remember some of that evening, and must be able to deduce some of what went on, in terms of when he arrived home, etc.

He's saying he doesn't remember whether he slept with her or not. That just doesn't make sense - and I fully believe people do have black-outs after drinking a lot. Just not to the extent of organising and undertaking another activity, leaving the original venue, going somewhere else (suitable for that activity), doing it, and then heading home.

If nothing else, that's a sustained period of not drinking, which means a bit of sobering up, and lessening the likelihood of a black-out.

I can totally see why you can't get past this. Because you don't believe him. You think he slept with her. I would, too. And it would always prey on my mind, no matter how much I tried to suppress it.

Original poster

MadJeffBarn · 06/01/2017 19:16

I was told around the time that they had the argument and he got really drunk that he left on his own. This new news came up earlier this week when I met up with his coworker for a coffee (we were friends before he worked there). I happened to bring it up because it would have been around this time that the christmas party happened, but not because I didn't think that I had all the information, just came up in casual conversation. He woke up at his mums, but I already knew he didn't come in til about 4am (from his mum, nothing unusual about that when he's pissed though)
It took a long time for me to get over the emotional cheating. She came up on my time line a few weeks ago as 'people you may know' and I guess it was playing on my mind abit. They have had zero to do with each other since she turned over a table in the office during an argument with someone else and got fired, and at the time she lived in the same Street but moved not long after.
Truth be told, I feel like I should be really angry about this information. But we've been doing so well, and I have no solid proof, it feels like a waste of my energy. It might make me a weak person but it's the only time I've ever thought he's been anything less than faithful, and we were having a seriously shit time. I feel like I'm making loads of excuses for his behaviour but they can't really be ignored. I don't know, like I said I feel like I should be angrier than I actually am.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 06/01/2017 19:18

Tbf to your dh you agreed to give it another go and I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you are asking this now........the only person you are punishing is yourself. Forgiveness really is the best form of self interest. Seemingly you have not forgiven and imo then you should get out

Original poster

MadJeffBarn · 06/01/2017 19:18

I'm just really confused and don't know what to think I guess, I'm sorry if I'm rambling and not making a whole lot of sense!

OP posts:

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