Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my house guest gone...

110 replies

876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 13:12

This was my DH's idea....she's here for 3 months!!!
It's annoying me now.

He's also away...he'll be back tomorrow. I'm pregnant and have a toddler... Tired of hosting FFS! I keep having to bite my tongue.. but I want her gone really.

She has rearranged my kitchen ... I'm searching all over to find my things.

She saunters in and cooks what she wants... not a problem. But when making dinner I ask what she doesn't eat she says she'll eat anything. Yet still goes in and makes her own food... She never does this when my DH is here...

We all got horrendous diarrhoea when she made dinner for us all... hence the reason I don't want her food.

She never uses the dishwasher... I've asked. As I believe it saves energy & water.... We run it every two days anyway as its just the three of us normally. But I haven't been able to...and keep having to run half empty loads...as the smell gets too much.

She never uses the washing machine... or refuses to have her things washed with ours. fucking waste!

I've heard her on the phone discussing me... It was 2am, I couldn't sleep...went to the bathroom and overheard.

She torments plays with my DD... the child is always bloody screaming when she goes around her... and not a playful scream. I dont know what to say...

She seems "nice" otherwise...

OP posts:
Potnoodlewilld0 · 03/01/2017 15:10

What an odd thread.

Is she hired help or not? Are you really just sticking it out because you want help when the new baby is here?

What a strange situation. Sounds creepy

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 15:35

@Potnoodlewilld0

She's DH friend. He agreed to pay her for the loss of salary since she would be here. It's far less than her actual salary. She's not hired help in the formal sense.
Yes exactly! I am worried about March, because I don't know what to expect. So maybe sticking it out isn't too bad... given all we will be facing. Maybe its my anxiety about having 2 children under 2... I'm shitting myself really.

She leaves for a month come the end of this month and will be back in March so the first three months test run are almost up.

Maybe I'm at that stage of having a visitor/guest/ whomever...where I just want them to leave.

I know in normal circumstance this is usually after day 2...

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/01/2017 15:38

DH thought it would be nice to have someone from my home to spend some time with me but he was wrong so she's had a nice free stay, now she can go home. As for March, make other plans! You can probably source local help when your baby's due. Someone who doesn't reduce DD to tears. DD must think this lady is here forever.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2017 15:39

If your DH will be off when baby is born I wouldn't think you'd need 24/7 extra help. Admittedly I didn't have a C-section, but DH and I managed when DS2 was born.

I think you need to decide whether the physical help you may receive from this woman is going to be worth the mental/emotional strain she may put on you and DD.

And if you can afford to pay her, perhaps you could afford to pay someone else instead. Even having a cleaner every other week for the 'big jobs' or a local teen to watch DD for a few hours in the afternoon or evening to give you time to catch up on things might be better for you than having someone in your home who stresses you out.

BonnyScotland · 03/01/2017 16:12

I'm sorry but all of this sounds well dodgy ...... too weird..

TheCatsMother99 · 03/01/2017 16:21

This is such a strange situation. There's no way I'd want her back after all this, especially the phone call behind your back.

Sorry if I've missed this but what exactly did she say about you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/01/2017 16:22

Oh dear, not exactly a friend, not exactly a hired hand, paid but only paid peanuts. Recipe for disaster.

This test was successful. It showed that her kind of help isn't helpful to you. If you want a bit of live in help but aren't rolling in money, get an au-pair. You'll be clear on the relationship and you can interview the candidates.

DesolateWaist · 03/01/2017 16:23

I just want to get this straight.

This woman is not staying with you as a friend having a holiday to see you and your family, or as someone using your house as a base while she spends time around the area, she hasn't come in as a hired help.
She is there in the way that a family member, like a mum or an aunt, might come and stay to help take care of the child and do the house work while you have a rest.
However unlike a family member she is a paid member of household staff for a family that you know. She is of a different social standing and doesn't feel like she is a friend to you.

I expect that the poor woman feels very unsure about her place in your household. It seems that she doesn't really understand her capacity there and is getting uncomfortable vibes from you and is staying out of your way.

I'm not saying that this is your fault but I do think that she might be feeling rather judged and resented. I would hate to be in her position.

BlackIsTheNewBlack · 03/01/2017 16:32

I'm sorry if I've missed it but what did you hear her saying about you?

From the sounds of your posts it looks to me that you're getting yourself worked up about having dc2 and everything continuing to run smoothly.
Stop overthinking!

Things aren't running smoothly now with your dhs guest. A newborn thrown into the mix wI'll just make it worse.
How eager are you going to be to eat her food then? I guarantee you'll still be doing the cooking if you're worried about food poisoning.
Things will be tough, they always are when there's a lot going on but you'll be more relaxed if you're not feeling resentful/stressed/fed up about the house guest from hell!

Good luck op! [Flowers]

Grittyshunts · 03/01/2017 17:05

I don't think you should have her back next time, your DH will be there to help you. YANBU to say "thanks but no thanks" or rather, get DH to tell her.

Inertia · 03/01/2017 17:09

I think you perhaps need to investigate the possibility of paying a professional nursery nurse/ nanny / doula for a shorter period of time around the birth. This test run hasn't been a success, and you're likely to feel much less tolerant when you're in pain and having no sleep.

PickledCauliflower · 03/01/2017 17:39

She is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home now - it will be no different when your new baby arrives, possibly worse.
Don't have her back. Tell your husband his idea didn't work.

Ohyesiam · 03/01/2017 17:42

Make some house rules.

RubyWinterstorm · 03/01/2017 17:45

it does not work for you, it probably does not work for her either!

It works for your DH as is assuages his " feelings of guilt" about being away so much.

Time for a chat! Can you not get a real solution, like a nanny or au-pair, rather than something half-baked like this?

The current set-up would only work if you and her click, but you don't, so it is 'nt a solution really, just an added complication!

Xmasbaby11 · 03/01/2017 17:46

She's not a guest. She's living with you. Why?

SquinkiesRule · 03/01/2017 17:53

God she sounds like a nightmare.
I had a Ds and a newborn via c-section and loved miles from anything, with Dh who was gone at work over 12 hours a day. Do it on your own, you can do it without this woman. Don't have her back in March, she causes you stress. At least alone you can do things at your own pace, I froze some extra meals, slobbed about in my PJ's all day and Ds and I sat on the couch, watch too many films, and ate lots of cut up fruit that I used to pre-cut in the morning and stick in big zip top bags.
What you don't need is this woman stressing you out, hiding kitchen utensils and giving you all the diarrhea.

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 18:00

Will speak to DH about other forms of help.

We just never thought about it when we discussed what we would do.

He thought having someone we were both familiar with ( him personally, me culturally) vs a complete stranger would be a good idea. I have no friends here and all his are through work. One colleague is having a baby in January... but they are from here so lots of friends and family around. Rest are childless. So having someone I could chat to seemed like a good idea. before this we lived in China.

I have given thoughts to the fact that she may very well feel uncomfortable and just as awkward with the situation as I am. Because technically she does nothing... it's like paid vacation. She uses her tablet... and reads about a book a week. She's accompanied us to the library when we go with DD and gets books.. so not sitting twiddling her thumbs.

We decided to keep it very casually... and not boss / employee kind of arrangement. Maybe that is where we went wrong.

I concur maybe "guest" was the wrong word to use... but that's kind of how we have been treating her.

And he's not using it as compensation for him being away so often. We muddied through with DD and he took 3 months off work. It's just this time he is also studying... and a bit more of a challenge on our hands. We obviously will need the help, but we perhaps didn't think of other types of paid help that we could get.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 03/01/2017 18:06

If your husband is taking 3 months off from March when you have the baby why do you need her too? Surely 2 of you at home would be more than enough. If he was working away it'd be different but if you've got him I'm lost as to why you need a 3rd adult there for that time

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2017 18:08

""He agreed to pay her for the loss of salary since she would be here. It's far less than her actual salary. She's not hired help in the formal sense. ""

She'd still need a work visa, because she isn't here on holiday (by Visa definition). So you've got her on the cheap, but then it can be a back door way into Australia, so that won't matter to her.

Your DH isn't being fair to either of you, by going along with this.

Creampastry · 03/01/2017 18:14

You're paying her too!!! Ffs, mad situation.

Strongmummy · 03/01/2017 18:17

She's not a guest. She's hired help. Therefore you need to start using her as such. If managed properly she could be very helpful to you. When you say "she worked for the family your husband stayed with" was this in a domestic capacity? If so she will be expecting you to act as her employer and give her direction

DesolateWaist · 03/01/2017 18:23

So you are from a different culture to your husband and/or where you live?

So this is the equivalent of me, as a white English person, living in China and having some random woman from elsewhere in the uk coming to live with me because I might like the company of someone from my own culture?
I understand the sentiment but no.

ReggaeShark · 03/01/2017 18:30

She bitched about you on the phone in your own house. That's all I needed to know.

HecateAntaia · 03/01/2017 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 18:33

@Redglitter ...because this time around he's doing a masters degree.... It will the second semester when the baby is here.

@Birdsgottafly she has absolutely no desire to live in Australia... not everyone wants to live here... myself included. but thats another story
It was his suggestion not mine...so he isn't really going along with it... he really doesn't know how I feel yet, as we haven't had a chance to discuss it...he gets home tomorrow.

@Strongmummy yes she is "hired help"...but we chose to be informal. this is where I think we went wrong.

@Creampastry.. yes we are paying her...since DH asked her to leave her job and come help us... I think we should pay her.

OP posts: