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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my house guest gone...

110 replies

876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 13:12

This was my DH's idea....she's here for 3 months!!!
It's annoying me now.

He's also away...he'll be back tomorrow. I'm pregnant and have a toddler... Tired of hosting FFS! I keep having to bite my tongue.. but I want her gone really.

She has rearranged my kitchen ... I'm searching all over to find my things.

She saunters in and cooks what she wants... not a problem. But when making dinner I ask what she doesn't eat she says she'll eat anything. Yet still goes in and makes her own food... She never does this when my DH is here...

We all got horrendous diarrhoea when she made dinner for us all... hence the reason I don't want her food.

She never uses the dishwasher... I've asked. As I believe it saves energy & water.... We run it every two days anyway as its just the three of us normally. But I haven't been able to...and keep having to run half empty loads...as the smell gets too much.

She never uses the washing machine... or refuses to have her things washed with ours. fucking waste!

I've heard her on the phone discussing me... It was 2am, I couldn't sleep...went to the bathroom and overheard.

She torments plays with my DD... the child is always bloody screaming when she goes around her... and not a playful scream. I dont know what to say...

She seems "nice" otherwise...

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 03/01/2017 14:14

Put your big girl pants on and take control of your surroundings. Your house, kitchen, daughter, your rules. Protect your daughter, tell her to leave her alone, dd is not there for her amusement. If she continues to upset her, tell her she has to leave.
I wouldn't let her come back in March either.

BillSykesDog · 03/01/2017 14:16

So is she working for toy or on holiday or both?

BillSykesDog · 03/01/2017 14:16

You, not toy

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 14:17

To be clear DD isn't crying... Just screaming. By the time I walk to the room at snails pace because it's all I can muster... she's stopped or is usually making her way to the living room. And I have asked why it happens.. she says DD wants to leave and sometimes she tries to prevent her leaving..in a playful way... I've asked for it to stop.

Lady spends her days in her room, DD and I in the living room. She wonders the house when she's bored.We can't go out in the daytime... it's summer and it brutal!

Plan to speak to DH when he's home tomorrow.
I can be quite rude if need be... I am far from a doormat or a pushover... but at the moment I don't know if its because I'm so easily annoyed why everything seems so much more pronounced.

She is fairly helpful she'll pack the kitchen away in the evenings and take the laundry in and out Grin.

She may be very helpful in March as I might be having a C-section, and its just me, DH and DD. But I think I would have preferred if she came in March. DH wanted a test run.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2017 14:19

It's pretty obvious that if this is a test run, the main event should be cancelled.

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 14:21

@BillSykesDog

A bit of both. As she took time off her job and DH thought it would be good to compensate her.

So its like paying your aunt to come help out for a bit...

All DH's idea... he has good intentions really. As he's currently doing a masters... plus full time work and family life. He thought it would lessen my load.

OP posts:
ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 03/01/2017 14:21

So she's been with with for three moths and she's coming back for more in march?

Glittermakeseverythingbetter · 03/01/2017 14:22

How will she be helpful in March if she stays in her room, gets her own food, or poisons you when cooking for you. Not to mention making the baby scream.
Odd.

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 14:23

@PurpleDaisies

I think so too. But I'm worried about how busy life will become when baby gets here...

especially if I have a C-section. DH can't take time off his course. He will be home for 3 months like last time.

But in the middle of that we will be packing up to move to the UK...

OP posts:
Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 14:27

She does surface in the evenings to watch TV and cook.

So not sure if she's just giving me my space in the days.

Ah fuck I feel bad for complaining Confused ... FFS!

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 03/01/2017 14:29

If she's not a help,and you don't like having her here, time to have a chat with your DH and say that actually, you do'nt like having guests for more than 2 weeks, so you don't want her here when the baby arrives. I had a C section for DC2, and DH got the first 2 weeks off, it was hard the first day he went back to work, but if it goes well, you should be able to walk/drive.

It might be better saving your money rather than paying her, paying a childminder to have DC1 to give you a break, or pay a cleaner. You can get 'mothers help' helpers who come in for a few hours each day in the UK, could something like that work for you? Or if you have a guest room, an au pair so it's clearly a paid member of staff and less emotional.

A toddler and new born wouldn't be enough of a reason for me to be prepared to have a houseguest for that long. You'll cope. Much better if you are able to relax in your own home.

Cornishclio · 03/01/2017 14:29

For goodness sake what made you think having a virtual stranger come and live with you for 3 months was a good idea. As for your DHs good intentions it sounds more like he wanted to play the bountiful host to his friend and abdicate himself from his parental and husband responsibilities. If she is unpleasant to you and talks about you behind your back and does not respect your house rules or entertain your toddler nicely I would tell her this isn't working and ask her to make other arrangements. I cant see how this will work better when you are even more hormonal and sleep deprived with a new baby either. Is there no one else who can help if your DH does a disappearing act then too?

blueskyinmarch · 03/01/2017 14:29

A 3 month trip sounds ridiculous to me. My DH managed a work trip form the UK going to Australia and New Zealand in 6 days. I wouldn’t really recommend that itinerary, but i would have thought 3 weeks might have been sufficient!

dawnc27 · 03/01/2017 14:33

when did she arrive? just wondering as its only 3mths til march and youve said shes coming back then. how long will that be for then? is it only dues to viasa only being for 3 mths or something like that? makes me wonder if dh has said she can move in with u and this is the only way around doing it

dawnc27 · 03/01/2017 14:33

*visa

DesolateWaist · 03/01/2017 14:35

What is the point in her being there?
If she isn't going out on day trips etc, just sitting in her room then she might as well be at home.

dollydaydream114 · 03/01/2017 14:37

I couldn't deal with a member of my own family or my own best friend staying with me for three months, let alone some random woman my DP knew years ago in another country.

I think you need to have a very serious talk with your DH about this. Three months is an insanely long time to spend with a woman you barely know, and if you've heard her talking negatively about you on the phone, you actually have a pretty solid reason to ask her to leave - if she doesn't like you, then she shouldn't be staying in your house.

The bit about your child screaming and being 'tormented' is just plain disturbing, frankly. Your DH needs to have a talk with this 'guest' and tell her that she needs to find alternative accommodation for the rest of her stay, and/or change her flight home to the next available one.

Lilaclily · 03/01/2017 14:37

I wonder if it's cultural having someone to help out with a newborn

FatGreen · 03/01/2017 14:38

Hang on, so this isn't a friend visiting on a holiday, she's been asked to spend 3 months with you by your DH on a paid basis in order to help you out with housework and childcare while you are pregnant/ post-CS?

Well, that was a massive drip-feed. She's not a 'guest' at all, and if she's an older woman who is used to being in domestic service and from another culture, then she's probably been accustomed to keeping out of 'madam's' way all day, not using a dishwasher, and not washing her laundry with the family's. It's a completely different set of expectations to her being a 'house guest'! If this is going to work, you either need to start behaving like an employer and setting out expectations, or just agree this isn't working out and book her ticket back home, surely?

Marcipex · 03/01/2017 14:40

I wouldn't have her back.
If she has to stay much longer, I'd get a nannycam. I'd want to see why she makes your dd scream.

PoppyFleur · 03/01/2017 14:43

OP - I had a c-section, no family near by to help, I was fearful that I wouldn't manage but I did and you will too I promise. It's so much easier to recover when undisturbed in your own home. Setting your own daily routine.

Make plans now and rather than spending money on paying your guest to help maybe you could use that money to pay for a cleaner and/or nursery sessions for your DD. Would that be possible/helpful?

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 14:46

DH isn't skirting his responsibilities. Work is strange... requires him to work away a lot. He spent Christmas and New Year on an oil platform in the middle of the sea.... Its all shit really!

The move will see him resign and take the year off to finish this masters so he can change his career. We're both looking forward to getting over the March to June hump, to enjoy the the year.

DH having 3 months off when baby is here is great...its just how will he study.

I think 3 months with her is too long, but we might very well need the help for that length of time given all we have to do. I simply don't know what to expect in March with baby and toddler. I'm also suffering from depression...which doesn't help. Last time I had horrific PND...that went untreated for about 6 months.

The right person would be my mum really... Sad. But she can't come.

OP posts:
Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 14:50

We're from the same culture. So no cultural difference.

And no it isn't normal to have someone come help out with newborns.

We just have a lot to do in those three months March - June. This is a test run.
This would be my second C-section if I have it. I recovered well last time. But it's still major surgery.

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 03/01/2017 14:55

There's too many of these threads lately - AIBU person is being a twat to me, we say yes, OP says oh well not reeallly ...

Do you want her there?

Or not?

Simple.

Original poster
876TaylorMade · 03/01/2017 15:08

@BurningBridges

FFS! if you read the whole thing and saw the reasons to my hesitation maybe you'd understand...Hmm

and I've never disagreed with anyone...

OP posts: