Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopping Christmas giving - aibu to feel annoyed?

50 replies

Pinkpillow · 03/01/2017 11:40

My bil has kids who are now 27 and 25. We have two dc too - 16 and 14.
Last year my dh suggested it might be time for us to stop giving to their two, who are both employed and self-sufficient. I mean, when and how should it stop? This was deemed reasonable and they would continue to buy our kids presents, well give money to be exact.
So, that lasted one year and this year, they received nothing.
I feel pretty annoyed tbh - they have benefitted for many more years of presents, which has also included birthdays... anyone else dealt with this with this and feel like me? Or, is that just the way it is?

OP posts:
Sahhhhh · 03/01/2017 11:41

they have benefitted for many more years of presents

Is that the spirit of giving gifts?

DailyFail1 · 03/01/2017 11:43

Your dh needs to raise this with his brother.

Isadora2007 · 03/01/2017 11:43

Why would you stop buying your nephews gifts? You are adults and i assume you still receive gifts?

Thetruthfairy · 03/01/2017 11:44

Annoying but not worth creating any drama x

TheWitTank · 03/01/2017 11:45

Because giving someone a gift is all about the benefit...Hmm

IceLemonGin · 03/01/2017 11:45

I think it's just one of those things. Surely you buy gifts for your niece/nephews because you want to rather than out of obligation?

PuppyMonkey · 03/01/2017 11:47

I think once you make that wonderful decision to stop buying gifts you need to just embrace that choice - they clearly forgot they were supposed to still be buying for your lot. Your kids will survive.

Original poster
Pinkpillow · 03/01/2017 11:48

I know it's hardly a drama in the grand scheme of things, but I think they are being a little unfair, especially on our youngest.

OP posts:
Barefootcontessa84 · 03/01/2017 11:49

You would really count the cost / compare the 'benefit'.....? Hmm I hope you haven't taught your children to expect/receive gifts like this. Let it go.

m0therofdragons · 03/01/2017 11:49

We stop at 21 in this family. Having said that, dd1 "benefitted" from getting £100 each birthday and Christmas which dd2&3 will never get as my generous great uncle died. It's just timing. I buy gifts for my cousins but they are at uni and school and don't buy for me due to their ages.

TeenAndTween · 03/01/2017 11:51

YANBU.

Many families have an age cut off 16/18/21 when they stop giving presents. It is unequal of your BIL to stop giving to your children because you are stopping for his independent adults.

But I don't think there is much you can do about it.

OwlinaTree · 03/01/2017 11:51

That's the way it goes I think. The 25yo should have recieved 2 more years of gifts after the 27yo to make it 'fair'. It's never going to be totally fair with this sort of thing.

I do find it odd that people feel they must stop in a way. We have stopped buying for some people and we both buy for the children but that's our choice as it's easier to buy for children! I kind of imagine when the children are grown we'll stop or go back to buying for the adults as they will be the actual friends iyswim.

Lorelei76 · 03/01/2017 12:11

I don't believe in stopping gifts because someone is an adult
Buy for those you want to buy for
No one needs gifts, whether 3 or 33. When one person suggests ending its it goes both ways surely.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2017 12:15

I'd be bloody annoyed too. But as Owlina pointed out, you should have continued for another 2 years with the younger sibling. If you bring this up, bil may use this as a defence. I think I'd say I was disappointed. But there is nothing you can do.

My cousins always give to my dd without fail. I was never very good at giving for their children so presents were sporadic. I was just younger and didn't have my own child, was living in different countries etc. I have made up for it somewhat by giving diamonds on 18th and a good chunk of cash for 21st.

I'd probably leave it and inwardly seethe.

Zippidydoodah · 03/01/2017 12:18

Oh ffs.

REALLY?! How grabby do you sound!?

Just explain to your teens that you're not doing presents anymore for their cousins, and they are reciprocating by doing the same.

And then get over it.

Sahhhhh · 03/01/2017 12:22

I know it's hardly a drama in the grand scheme of things, but I think they are being a little unfair, especially on our youngest

Your youngest is 14 Hmm

It is all very grabby

PickledCauliflower · 03/01/2017 12:23

I think it depends on the size of your family and how much you can realistically spend.
I don't have a huge amount of nephews and neices - stop cash and /or gifts at 21. Once that special birthday had passed I leave it.
My husband still gives his 26 year old nephew cash at Xmas and birthdays but (despite nephew working full time) he doesn't receive a gift in return. You don't give to receive but I think a birthday card would be polite when the other person remember you.

It's a knotty issue, as you can spend your life forking out on adult nephews / nieces etc. Ok if you can afford it but many can't and it becomes a bit awkward.

This is one of the reasons I have started dreading Xmas. I see so much stress in friends / family buying gifts they can't afford...

Ilovecaindingle · 03/01/2017 12:24

Just tell your kids the truth.
Uncle is a tight arse.

PuppyMonkey · 03/01/2017 12:25

"I think I'd say I was disappointed."

Not out loud surely? Cringe.

Oblomov16 · 03/01/2017 12:29

We stop at 18. That's because there are 24 grandchildren. We only do cards for adults.

NormaSmuff · 03/01/2017 12:44

we continue to buy for grown up nieces and nephews but they have never bought for us, which seems strange, oth it lets my dc off the hook.

cosytoaster · 03/01/2017 12:47

YANBU for being annoyed - with my family and friends we stop buying for children at 18, this makes it fair. Dsis and I still buy for each other (same with friends) and we would buy for grand children.

RubyWinterstorm · 03/01/2017 12:48

what zippydooddah said

Cherylene · 03/01/2017 12:50

My DH's aunt still sends us Christmas money and something in our birthday cards. We are 54. It is much appreciated Grin.

DH also sends his cousin's sons pressies (20s) so what comes round goes round.

My DSis stopped everyone giving presents for adults without telling me then cut it down to a token present. Not appreciated. I am having to think hard about what to do about that Sad.

littlemissneela · 03/01/2017 12:56

We've stopped giving christmas presents when the kids turn 18 and they join in with the family secret Santa. We still buy for our own kids btw. I would get your dh to speak to his brother about it, as they might have thought that since you'd agreed to stop the gift giving, that it was going to end there and then, never mind that yours are younger. That said, if the older ones still want to give you gifts, then let them. Its not really up to their parents. Plus, if you still want to give them gifts, then do so. It doesn't need to be the same cost as before, more if a token gift.