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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopping Christmas giving - aibu to feel annoyed?

50 replies

Pinkpillow · 03/01/2017 11:40

My bil has kids who are now 27 and 25. We have two dc too - 16 and 14.
Last year my dh suggested it might be time for us to stop giving to their two, who are both employed and self-sufficient. I mean, when and how should it stop? This was deemed reasonable and they would continue to buy our kids presents, well give money to be exact.
So, that lasted one year and this year, they received nothing.
I feel pretty annoyed tbh - they have benefitted for many more years of presents, which has also included birthdays... anyone else dealt with this with this and feel like me? Or, is that just the way it is?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 12:59

Sorry OP, you picked the street; it goes both ways.

blueskyinmarch · 03/01/2017 13:00

My eldest niece is age 30 and my DD2 is the youngest grandchild, aged 19. By agreement we stopped buying for the nieces and nephews many years ago, probably when DD2 was around age 12/13 and she has had no gifts from her aunts and uncle's for birthday or Christmas since then. We decided that as we were no longer buying gifts for the other children then we could afford to spend more on DD2 and she has never ever felt hard done by in this arrangement.

jeanne16 · 03/01/2017 13:03

I sympathise with the OP. My DCs are the youngest in both my and my husband's families. Having given presents for years to their kids, mine have had very little in return. In particular, none of the family ever remember my youngest's birthday. It is not a case of being grabby, as some people suggest. I just feel a little sad for my son that he never gets any presents from family ( all grand-parents are now dead).

Sara107 · 03/01/2017 13:09

It's a bit of a tricky one but with gifts you don't always get back exactly what you have 'paid in', iyswim. I'm younger than siblings and had my dD much later, so I gave gifts for 8 nieces and nephews for many years. I sort of tailed off as they reached adulthood. And a few years ago we decided to stop Christmas gifts throughout the family. But an exception was made for my dD as she is still only little. But she will just get a gift from each aunt/uncle (3), whereas I was gifting to 8 children + 3 siblings + 3 inlaws. That's just the way it goes though, and DD isn't really short of anything!

ViewBasket · 03/01/2017 13:58

YANBU. On these threads there are always some who say it's "grabby" to even notice these things, but I'm sure many people would privately feel the same. I think it's definitely not about the material costs, but the thoughtlessness behind it. When you've made the effort for someone and they don't give your family similar consideration then of course you feel a bit disappointed. On threads where a friend isn't making any effort the responses are always "they're not a good friend", not "don't be so grabby, you shouldn't expect anything in a friendship"!

BaldricksTrousers · 03/01/2017 14:01

YABU. There is no way you can say anything without sounding grabby to the other party. Just count your blessings that it's less people you have to worry about at Christmas and get your kids what they want/need yourselves.

BaldricksTrousers · 03/01/2017 14:02

I can understand feeling miffed however, yanbu for that. But there is no way you can politely bring this up.

littleshirleybeans · 03/01/2017 14:08

YANBU. I have experienced similar and it kinda pisses me off as it's now my dc who are not given anything, despite me having spent a fortune over the years. My dc are still young. Ok so they want for nothing, but I still think it's sad that their aunts and uncles on dh's side don't bother.
So I just buy them extra myself

woesinwonderland · 03/01/2017 14:12

You could always tot up what you have spent over the years (before you had dc) and send the invoice to your BIL to let him know that he has to continue to pay birthdays/xmas until it has evened out...

or, stop being grabby.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 14:15

OP but it was YOUR husband's suggestion to his brother that this Christmas buying stopped... BIL has taken you at his word.

Make up the difference to your children yourself; you can now that you don't have to buy those two gifts.

gabsdot · 03/01/2017 14:18

Last year I realised, (my son pointed it out actually) that none of his aunties and uncles (from my side of the family) give him a birthday present. I give presents to all of my nieces and nephews.

On Christmas eve we had our family get together. I brought a birthday present for my niece who's birthday is on Dec 22nd but my son who's birthday is Dec 21st received nothing from any of his aunties of uncles. I have 5 brothers and sisters BTW and they were all there.
Anyway. He was pretty easy going about it and I thought that perhaps this year I won't bother with the gift giving, there are 14 kids to buy for. However I thought about it and decided that this is about my relationship withe my nieces and nephews. I'm very fond of all of them and remembering their birthdays is a way for me to show them this.
I know my siblings are very fond of my kids too but we're just not a very gift giving family. My in-laws are so it's rubbed off on me.
My oldest nephew is 20 now so I got him something extra special for his 18th and no presents since. My oldest niece will be 18 this year so I'll do the same for her.
So my advice is "Don't give to receive, don't give out of duty, give to show your feelings for the receiver.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 14:22

That is pretty awful of your brothers and sisters, gabsdot. I don't forget my niece and nephew. Surely they realised - in watching their own child(ren) open gifts that your nephew had been missed out?

kaitlinktm · 03/01/2017 14:35

Yeah, I agree with you. They ought to have given to your children until they were 18 - when they stop being children. Maybe 21.

Cornishclio · 03/01/2017 14:38

We stopped buying for our niece and nephew last year after speaking to my sister (they are now aged 19 and 23). My sister had been buying for my two until then and they are older (29 and 30) so I think she was quite relieved. Now she just buys for my granddaughter who is 1 year old. Obviously having the conversation about stopping buying for your BILs children seems to have also impacted on your two but I am quite uncomfortable about you adding up the extra years you have been buying presents for as it seems to go against the spirit of present giving. I don't think you can really say anything and people should not feel pressured into giving presents so I would let it go and explain to your children the arrangement made. They are old enough to understand.

Gottagetmoving · 03/01/2017 14:52

If you are the type who buys gifts with a demand you get back then don't do gifts at all.
My sister bought my kids gifts every year and I only bought for hers a couple of years because I couldn't afford to do it every year.. She never complained or thought because I couldn't she wouldn't.
Your kids are not little children they are mid teens. I can't believe by that age they would be devastated.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 14:57

I genuinely didn't realise gifts were such a minefield and that people had such a strong level of entitlement surrounding them until I read the many threads on here this Xmas period on the subject. 🙄

Sonders · 03/01/2017 15:08

I think maybe I'm lucky having a small(ish) family on this one. My aunt & uncle on DM's side still give gifts to me, and I give gifts to their teen children (my cousins).

I haven't had anything from DF's side since I was about 12. I don't mind, we have never been close so I wouldn't expect it. I do find this official age cut off weird though!

Is your BIL close to your DC?

junebirthdaygirl · 03/01/2017 15:10

In my family it's 21. Lots of nieces and nephews but birthday presents and Christmas presents stop at 21. We will buy wedding presents when the time comes and usually mark graduation too. My dc have stopped receiving now but l will continue giving for at least another 10 years. I do think it's a pity bil stopped as the dc love it and never forget who gave to them but there is nothing you can do.

gillybeanz · 03/01/2017 15:15

Why does giving a gift have to be fair, reciprocated, and a benefit?

If you want to give a gift do so, if you don't then don't.
It really isn't complicated.

XiCi · 03/01/2017 15:15

You brought this situation on yourselves though by being too tight you buy your own nieces and nephews presents. I have 3 nephews and a niece all in their 20s and can't imagine stopping buying them presents. Why would I? They are my immediate family. Do you put an age limit on other members of your family as well?

Gottagetmoving · 03/01/2017 15:19

Nephews and nieces are not immediate family are they? I thought they were extended family and only parents and siblings were immediate?

DailyFail1 · 03/01/2017 15:25

I agree xici.

Gottagetmoving- only by the strictest most uncharitable idiotic description.

kaitlinktm · 03/01/2017 15:46

I put an age limit on nieces/nephews as I have so many. Their parents did the same for my children (who are older) until they were 18 or 21, and I have carried on giving to their children until the same age. This is what happens in many families.

Original poster

Pinkpillow · 03/01/2017 20:32

LyingWitch - it was dh's suggestion that we stop buying for their dc but accepted that as ours were so much younger, that they would carry on.
It is obvious from the comments on here that one size does not fit all, and Christmas giving causes such annoyance on many levels.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 20:37

I did read that, Pinkpillow and assuming that there was no confusion on their part, they've just decided not to do presents at all. There's no graceful way that you or your husband can ask them to do it and really, I wouldn't bother.

I would just take it as an opportunity to bring the whole present-giving with them to a halt and use the money that you save for your own kids. It is a shame but you'll probably never get to the bottom of why they've weaselled out of it.

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