To worry I'm not pushy enough

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

Melj - sounds like your parents had a great approach. I don't remember what mine did - they were rather hands off as I recall but we were all motivated so they must have exerted their influence somehow. I suppose I would classify them as pushy in their expectations (high) but not at a practical level. I shall have to ask them!

My parents didn't motivate me at all. I motivated myself. I was quite typical in many ways. Stressing myself too much in order to create the perfect homework. Perfectionism. It certainly wasn't healthy and took too much of my leisure time.

My 4 are avid readers and have various other commitments (cleaning out the horses and cooking) but are lax in the primary school homework department. They all acclimatised to secondary school homework easily. They are what I would consider to be all rounders. Nice teens, practical around the house, engaged, academic, motivated but with their feet firmly on the ground.

My mother took the same "homework is useless" approach and let me get on with it. I was lucky in that I was naturally bright and a complete geek who loved school so at least I was motivated and able to do homework. However I was also incredibly disorganised which meant lots of doing homework on the bus when I remembered last minute and getting detentions for forgetting homework yet again.

Eventually at about 15, I bought myself a proper diary and learnt to organise myself but it took a lot of effort and I'm quite resentful that my DM never intervened when she could have taught me organisational skills. She was similarly disinterested in coming to parents' evening or intervening when I told her about being bullied by my music teacher. Like the homework, she now says she just wanted me to stand on my own two feet, but I felt unsupported instead.

''non-academic' children struggle with the discipline and self-motivation needed for homework/independent study, which simply isn't the case'

I was a very academic child, whose parents made no effort at all to help me with homework and who showed no interest in it. When I got detentions, they would be angry but didn't seem to understand I needed any support.
What caused me MH problems was NOT fulfilling my academic potential.

If my child was at risk of physical or emotional harm due to my lackadaisical attitude then the teacher would be passing on the relevant info to the relevant body

Unfortunately not, Unless you are actually abusive you won't get reported to anyone.
You don't sound like you care about your childrens education in the slightest. Have you no ambition at all?

Just be aware of trying to get the balance. Not like your parents, but encouraging and interested. I expect all homework to be done. But so long as they are happy and doing ok, I don't care.

user I do care, and it depends what you mean by ambition.

I struggle with organisation even now to be honest, teaching my children would largely be 'this is what NOT to do.' DS does play two instruments. So will his sister when she's older (if she wants to.)

OP i cant trawl through all replies got to page 2 but There is a difference between supporting learning, encouraging it, being keen yourself, be seen reading, talking, and engaging in the world, taking DC to as many cultural experiences as you can ££ wise and time wise, free museums, theatre etc and being pushy.

Pushy to me is standing over dc doing HW constantly going on about it - when there is no need ie good child who works, pushing - talking about getting that higher grade when grade already high and so on.

I feel in what I can gage from peers around me and their dc that I am quite relaxed with DD but then I can almost afford to be because she has a love of learning and the skills to back it up. She wants to be good.
I never stressed about pen grips or small stuff. But have I think fully supported her in round learning, there is no regimented atmos here, we are quite loose with rules etc, and my DD is doing just as well if not better than her BF who is also bright but has far far stricter mum.

cherry I struggle with organization too, if my own DM could see me now, getting all their shit together she would faint I am clinging on by finger nails here and just about manage!

What caused me MH problems was NOT fulfilling my academic potential

yes this is a biggie and this is the bottom line, but doesnt need pushy parent just needs supportive parent, aware parent etc.

"At some point there will be the odd weekend that has to be given over to school work and he might be reluctant and might need a prod or a 'want some company while you do it?' sort of motivation. Again that's not pushiness."

This ^^ is very much our experience right now. DD is doing 4 A levels and has about 21 hours of homework a week. She usually devotes all of Sunday to homework.

Indeed once you hit the public exam years, it feels like homework/ revision/ exams form the framework of family life .

And they are then at an age to motivate themselves.

If a child wants to learn, they will.

Positive reinforcement when they have done well will have a greater impact than pushing

They are also at one of the most complex human stages - physically and emotionally.

They need lots of support. They need their education and exams to be a priority.

I'm very lucky in that my DC are highly motivated and ambitious. But the idea that I would just leave them to it because they'd hit 15 is laughable.

Never stressed about pen grips.

Well I'm glad I did as I dread to think where my dyspraxic dd would be now if I hadn't. I don't think people realise how detrimental a poor grip can be. It can cause aches, poor handwriting which in turn can cause kids/ teachers to not be able to read writing which can have a knock on effect with spelling and confidence in writing.

I think trying to be a pushy parent come GCSEs is waaaay too late. I was pushy during primary purely for the reason that I wouldn't need to be so pushy once GCSEs come around. Installing good habits at an early age is key and I think those with kids struggling sometimes need to be even pushier. Just because your kid isn't online for 9s doesn't mean pushing doesn't matter.

My dh's parents never pushed and he is still bitter to this day. It had a detrimental effect on him and his siblings which all range hugely in ability.

But mine did and I do feel a bit - not bitter, but bad I have so many horrible memories from childhood.

who

green yes in an ideal world you want good habits formed as early as possible.

But even with well trained DC, the GCSE period is Dullsville Arizona that can send the most motivated kids into torpor at times.

The new style exams might be different, but the old ones were less a test of ability and more a test of organisation, good working habits and pure grit.

You see motivation as something that happens organically. It doesn't. Parents showing interest, giving the occasional nudge, explaining why hard work is important etc is all part of a child's motivation.
This idea that a child will always be self motivated is a big of a tall ask and actually putting a great deal of pressure on your child (which is the very opposite of what you want). Actually by ensuring that homework is NOT his burden alone or that you discuss it you might find you take the pressure off.
But as pretty much everyone has pointed out 3 pages of chat in you don't seem to have remotely budged from your opinion (or even shown a willingness to consider alternate viewpoints from people who teach for a living) so I don't anything will change.

But your bitterness and your childhood was YOUR experience. As a parent part of what we need to be able to do is to filter what was extreme or hurtful etc and find a middle ground. You seem to be struggling massively. As a consequence this homework thing has become all about you, rather than your son!!!

It's very important not to have a knee jerk reaction to our own childhoods when making decisions on parenting.

It just results in rigid thought patterns.

I struggle with organisation even now to be honest, teaching my children would largely be 'this is what NOT to do

Then do that! Do you want them to get to your age and say "My mother never helped us acheive, never motivated us, never seemed to care whether we did well. I don't understand why"

I said, I'm not bitter, that was another poster :) I just don't see what I should really be doing that differently. I do obviously care when they do well, they know this. It's more that if they don't, they are loved anyway.

I was kind of hoping I could back off once at that stage. Year 7 was a massive learning curve. Sooooo glad I instilled discipline as regards homework in primary,dread to think what it would have been like if not. I know several struggling hugely due to the shock of year 7. Our secondaries test a lot to keep them on their toes. So far they have been good but still sometimes need questions asked re homework and guidance re setting time aside and prioritising. If they still need that further down the line so be it,I'll carry on. I have to say as the months go by they need less and less reminders but we shall see.