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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you would have dealt with this tantrum?

123 replies

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 31/12/2016 17:30

Feel like we are failing miserably

DD has just turned two. She's generally fab, but is going through a very wilful phase right now. Fighting for independence, doesn't like us doing anything for her, tantrums when she doesn't get her way, and some general mischief like chucking her toys around (and laughing when told not to). We are trying to be firm with her but to be honest, she gives zero fucks.

This morning she would not let us get her dressed. We lay her down to put on her socks and she was kicking and screaming, rolling and crawling away. Absolutely refused to co operate. We tried to just continually lie her back down and put her clothes on, but she was having none of it. Kicking, screaming, crying, going rigid on DH's knee. She was getting herself into a state. I told DH, who was trying to be firm with her, to just stop (he thinks I'm far too soft and that I'm doing her no favours by pandering to her).

Eventually she got so worked up that we just let her run around in her nappy for another ten mins, and tried again when she was calmer. She still made it difficult but we managed. This was fine as we weren't in a hurry today, but generally we don't have a spare half hour just to put on her clothes in the morning. We're in charge and she needs to know that but she doesn't care. Aside from physically pinning her down and forcing her legs into her trousers etc, what were we meant to do??

I'm just not sure what we should have done. I have no idea, in fact. Can you tell me how you'd have dealt with it?

OP posts:

100milesanhour · 31/12/2016 18:29

Can you leave her clothes out and she can put them on herself?

teraculum29 · 31/12/2016 18:42

Hello,

you did well, when they are tantruming everything is a no no. they need to calm down a bit to try again.

With my DD (she's almost 2), when dressing, I m sitting her on my lap, then putting socks on, leggings and her top.
If I put her in lying position there is no way I can dress her at all, she will be rolling over do everything what she not suppose to.

So maybe it's worth trying.

RumbleMum · 31/12/2016 19:07

Don't be so hard on yourself OP - it sounds like you're doing fine and this is a rough patch.

I second the suggestions about distraction (we used the TV with DS1 who was a bugger about everything), making it a competition (quick - I bet we can get you dressed before Daddy!), choices and silliness (these socks go on my ears, don't they? No? Where do they belong then?) It's tempting to think they ought to just obey you because you're in charge but it doesn't work like that for toddlers, and, as a PP said, you don't have to prove it. I say this as one who had a hideous toddler and had to change mindset quite significantly

In the end, though, you have to be prepared to follow through on your threats as I'm sure you know. I had many a miserable morning at home with DS1 as a two year old because he was given a last chance to get into the car to go to the zoo and he still refused despite me him desperately wanting to go - so we didn't go.

Good luck! And give yourself a break.

Bumpsadaisie · 31/12/2016 19:13

ah, this takes me back.

Once they've lost it then the ship has sailed really, you need to de-escalate and try again later.

But before that point, I think you need a variety of tools in your toolkit, and te judgment to know which to deploy when! Sometimes distraction works, sometimes pointing out the consequences of failing to get dressed and missing out on X, sometimes bribery - 'get dressed and you can have chocolate spread on your toast', sometimes firmness, sometimes making it comic, giving choices is always good, and all the other tricks suggested above.

I think its an ebb and flow with toddlers, sometimes they need to win, sometimes you do. If its an occasion where you can let her win, then its no bad thing from time to time. On the other hand, its no good adjusting your entire life to fit around her, as one of the lessons she is learning at the moment is the limit to her agency and ego.

Different children are different too. My eldest was fairly easy going and persuadable. I thought I'd got the toddler thing down pat. Then my second hit toddlerhood, and he was the most persistent, non-distractable, control-freak of a child you could imagine. I remember being surprised when even before a year old you could NOT distract him or divert him into doing something other than what he was bent upon. He's five now thank god but in the toddler and early preschool years it was a constant battle/negotiation with him.

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 19:31

You were going out for her right? So I would have said clearly that if she didnt get dressed you wouldn't go, then follow up on it. Re: poo denial at playtime, I personally would ask her again & tell her clearly that everytime she lies I'm taking away the toy she's playing with permanently. If she lies again, it will go.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/12/2016 20:22

I would just remove the Peppa house or whatever is distracting her until after she is dressed. She will likely rage if she's not used to you doing that but when she asks for it I'd just say clothes first then Peppa. If she is used to having to get dressed before she gets to play/watch a cartoon or whatever she'll soon learn that doing it quickly means she doesn't have to wait as long to play.

LottieDoubtie · 31/12/2016 21:47

I agree with most of what's said and I can see the benefit in saying 'no more peppa house before clothes'. I struggle with the idea of 'taking away a toy' either permently or for an extended period of time- I don't think my 2 year old would understand that at all. once it was out of sight for half a day I suspect he would forget it ever existed anyway, and if he didn't he certainly wouldn't connect it with a tantrum that was several hours/days before.

user1471446433 · 31/12/2016 22:16

I'm on my second like this (middle one was easy for this stuff but at 5 I still often need to dress him so it's swings and roundabouts!!) & what works here is choices, giving them control & being silly. So lots of this or that & lots of would you like, avoid physical restraint at all costs & silly silly silly. Put hands in sleeves & giggle about how she can never tickle me again, low & behold the hands are through the sleeves to tickle me etc etc.

Oh actually the biggest & best thing is to always use the action word you want to see so 'everybody walking' rather than 'don't run', 'gentle hands, we're gentle with faces/people' rather than 'dont hit'.

You'll be fine, the independent self reliant types come into their own as they get older. My 8 is utterly awesome now

BIgBagofJelly · 31/12/2016 22:37

If the tantrum's happening and you have to go there's not much you can do - just try to keep speaking calmly get her in whatever clothes you can and leave. I always found prevention was best as far as possible though. Give as much warning (e.g. 5 more minutes playing then get dressed, 4 more minutes etc etc) and choice as possible (which dress do you want to wear? do you want to get dressed here or by the front door etc). Sometimes nothing works but we worked out how to prevent quite a few tantrums.

HardcoreLadyType · 31/12/2016 22:45

I know it's hard, but getting firmer and firmer never seems to work, in my experience.

Make it fun, if you can. She won't put her leggings on, so you start putting them on you, or on her teddy. Try a bit of reverse psychology. Don't let her get dressed. Run off with her clothes, and make her catch you. Make it a race between her and her dolly, who can get dressed first. Distract her with television or a toy.

And if worst comes to the worst, go out in pyjamas.

LottieDoubtie · 31/12/2016 22:58

Oh also, pick your moments OP- I've found my 2 year old is easier to get dressed as soon as he wakes up because he's still a bit tired! Much easier than going downstairs then trying to get him away from the toys to do it later...

cunningartificer · 31/12/2016 23:00

Routine routine routine same time every day in so far as possible same things in same order: dressed, breakfast, toys or out. Choice of clothes is good but relentless routine really helps with expectations--in other words, peppa or whatever just won't work before you're dressed. Means early morning dressing but much better if you need to get out to work xxxx

LemonScentedStickyBat · 31/12/2016 23:06

What I wish I'd known:

Silliness is the key. "DD, put your socks on your ears RIGHT NOW!" "now come on, DD, you know trousers go on your head, not your legs". Etc etc. Also cheerfully chatting while you just go ahead and put jumpers on etc before they really notice.

They don't fully understand threats or consequences, or time, or just getting on with things. Being told off means nothing to them, and frankly if they did do things out of fear of punishment that wouldn't be desirable anyway. It takes AGES to learn a routine or a rule e.g. Don't touch the television screen or plug sockets - only repetition and consistency help it all sink in.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 31/12/2016 23:10

I was trying to get her dressed because she wanted to out on her scooter and I wanted to get her to the park while it was still dry.

But you still took her to the park and she won the hat she sees as an independence battle.

Re the consequences, you give her the choice and tell her, the consequence of not doing X will be....

So in the instance of today "dear child name, if you do not get dressed, the we will not go to the park, and while you are at home you will not be playing with .....(peppa house) etc....

The big thing is the consequence should fit what they are doing or be linked to it....if they complain....tell them that they caused it by X behaviour

bumsexatthebingo · 31/12/2016 23:38

I'm not a massive fan of smoke and mirrors and distraction etc. You might be able to trick kids into complying for a short while but they soon get wise to it. Set your boundary - which is that she needs to get dressed before playing - and stick to it. It might be a good idea to let her choose what she wears from a selection but that she gets dressed before playing should be non negotiable. She may well be disappointed that she can't play first which is fine. Sometimes we can't always have what we want and I don't think it is good to teach children that they can. Acknowledge and sympathise with the upset but stick firm with the boundary you have set. Rather than being mean it actually helps kids feel secure to have limits set by caregivers.

ConvincingLiar · 31/12/2016 23:38

Mine responds to the threat of me going out without him. Once he decides he's staying home alone, I'm buggered. I also try to offer limited choices.

oohlalala · 01/01/2017 00:01

I think I'd either bribe her with a marble for her good behaviour treat pot (she has to get 10 for a treat) failing that I might bluff that she was either not getting to go to the park as she hadn't dressed, or that we would be taking her in her nappy. My 4yo does this before school and I carry her out of bed in her nighty and say well you're going like this then, she soon gets dressed!

Trifleorbust · 01/01/2017 02:22

Pretend to put her clothes on your body: "I like these socks - wonder if they will for Mummy". No way will she want that outcome

imjessie · 01/01/2017 03:27

Can she dress herself ? It sounds to me like she wanted to dress herself . Can you just leave her to it .. I would have forced her to be honest but I take no shit from little people .

BlackeyedSusan · 01/01/2017 03:48

I used to decide what the outcome I wanted was. eg get into the car seat.

he was presented with options, do you want to climb in or should I lift you in? (worked fairly often)

sometimes he was put in with the old tickle them til they collapser in teh middle then fasten the clip quickly technique.

lizzieoak · 01/01/2017 03:57

I'm seconding Lemonscented. Being silly works wonders. She is too young to grasp withdrawing privileges, it'll only provoke another tiresome strop.

If it's not about being allowed to choose what she wears & she's being a pain in the ass for mysterious toddler reasons then silliness is your only recourse.

As she gets older (3.5 ish generally) then consequences start coming into effect. For sure she can't rule you, but your behaviour has to be appropriate to her age.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 01/01/2017 05:49

How about not trying to constantly dress her lying down like a baby? She didn't need to lie down to get socks on. How about involving her more in what is happening to her? 'So DD we're getting dressed now, what socks would you like to choose?' 'Can you undo them and pass one to mummy?' (Lots of praise when she does). 'If mummy holds your sock out can you put your own foot in'. By allowing her a lot more control over the situation she will (hopefully) be a lot happier to do the things you ask. She two, it's about trying to find out who she is and she's craving a little independence.

Trifleorbust · 01/01/2017 07:08

Consequences are perfectly understandable to the average 2 yr old. Don't leave it to 3.5, she will be much more difficult.

bodiddly · 01/01/2017 07:22

We used to have to be out of the house by a certain time every morning so from day 1 our rule was that d's didn't go downstairs until he was dressed. He was pretty much always hungry so added incentive that he knew he had to be dressed to get breakfast or play with his clothes. It was also a great distraction talking about what he was going to eat or play with first while he dressed.

bodiddly · 01/01/2017 07:35

Play with his toys not clothes!!!!

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