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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would have dealt with this tantrum?

123 replies

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 31/12/2016 17:30

Feel like we are failing miserably Sad

DD has just turned two. She's generally fab, but is going through a very wilful phase right now. Fighting for independence, doesn't like us doing anything for her, tantrums when she doesn't get her way, and some general mischief like chucking her toys around (and laughing when told not to). We are trying to be firm with her but to be honest, she gives zero fucks.

This morning she would not let us get her dressed. We lay her down to put on her socks and she was kicking and screaming, rolling and crawling away. Absolutely refused to co operate. We tried to just continually lie her back down and put her clothes on, but she was having none of it. Kicking, screaming, crying, going rigid on DH's knee. She was getting herself into a state. I told DH, who was trying to be firm with her, to just stop (he thinks I'm far too soft and that I'm doing her no favours by pandering to her).

Eventually she got so worked up that we just let her run around in her nappy for another ten mins, and tried again when she was calmer. She still made it difficult but we managed. This was fine as we weren't in a hurry today, but generally we don't have a spare half hour just to put on her clothes in the morning. We're in charge and she needs to know that but she doesn't care. Aside from physically pinning her down and forcing her legs into her trousers etc, what were we meant to do??

I'm just not sure what we should have done. I have no idea, in fact. Can you tell me how you'd have dealt with it?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2016 17:56

Mine are grown up now but I do work with young children; 4 and 5 year olds. I love a timer for speed encouragement and music is a brilliant way to get them doing stuff ' can you get dressed before the song finishes' type game and other stuff.

YoScienceBitch · 31/12/2016 17:57

What do you do already? Say if she hit you in rage, what would you do?

HeCantBeSerious · 31/12/2016 17:57

As others have said. "We can't go scooting if you aren't dressed, and we can't get dressed until we've changed your nappy."

Then leave for a minute or 2 to calm down and ask if they're ready to get dressed yet.

PerspicaciaTick · 31/12/2016 17:57

It is very difficult age because their desire to be independent and to communicate are so limited by their physical and emotional development.

The things that worked for us were:

Allowing DC an element of choice and control. I would give limited choices (too much choice can also end in tantrums), so "Are you going to wear the leggings or the blue trousers?" or "Do you want to put your socks or your t-shirt on first?". Also encouraging independence "Can you show me how a big girl dives into her t-shirt? Wow, you are so clever! Can you do it again with your jumper?".

Allowing much more time than any adult could ever imagine needing.

Picking your fights - it really isn't worth getting into a physical battle with a 2yo about what she is wearing. If she doesn't get dressed, then she will miss out on going on her scooter, or reading the book, or whatever other nice thing required her to be dressed. You don't need to prove you are in charge, you are in charge - use your power and physical strength sparingly and be confident in your parenting. Accept that sometimes your DD will want to do things differently to you - and that is OK so long as she is safe. A good example of this is the battle over wearing coats. You can choose to have a battle about wearing a coat, or can you explain that she will get cold without her coat so you are going to take it with you for when she needs it.

Most of this stuff works before you get to the tantrum stage. It is all about distraction techniques which prevent the situation escalating as it did today.
Once you are in full tantrum mode, the only things that work are ignoring the tantrum (and the child) while keeping an eye to make sure they are safe. Your child will have frightened herself with all the noise and emotion, so be reassuring and give her hug when it is over - then talk about why screaming isn't the way to deal with feeling frustrated (or cross or whatever).

Once she has the physical capability to do things for herself and better verbal skills, you will find that a lot of the frustration and tantruming resolves itself.

Original poster
JoyfulAndTriumphant · 31/12/2016 17:58

Yo this is an issue. She has hit out in frustration before. She gets firmly told that we don't hit, then I put her down and walk away from her but she doesn't care. She hasn't done that for a few weeks though.

OP posts:
YoScienceBitch · 31/12/2016 18:00

Had she gotten a favourite toy? Tell her we don't hit probbamy won't mean much to her. Take her favourite toy away or put her in a time out for a few minutes and then make sure she apologises.

PerspicaciaTick · 31/12/2016 18:00

Oh - and competitive racing works well. They like to see who can get dressed fastest (so long as they get to win quite often). But that is probably a few months away in terms of ability.

YoScienceBitch · 31/12/2016 18:01

If she's can't speak yet then her giving you cuddle could stand in for saying sorry.

monkeymamma · 31/12/2016 18:02

Argh two year olds just don't give a shit and also don't understand consequences or telling off or even bribery. All you can hope for is distraction. She won't be two for long so I wouldn't stress about it. If getting ready for nursery is a problem then put her to bed in a long sleeve vest or top that can form part of her outfit the next day. Then you've only the leggings and coat to get on. Chocolate buttons to help. On days when you aren't in a hurry then just leave her in pjs. People love to say 'rod for your own back' blah de blah but it doesn't really follow. By the time your new baby comes she'll be nearly 3 and believe me they are much easier. Plus you'll have forgotten how easy newborns are compared to toddlers so having two'll seem a doddle. It did to me after all the dire warnings I'd had from older relatives, lol.

monkeymamma · 31/12/2016 18:05

With hitting what I've done with both of mine is take hold of the hand they're hitting with and say 'nooo, gentle hands please' and show them how to do a gentle pat instead. It sounds wishy washy but genuinely works, my 4yo is incredibly kind and gentle and the 2yo is learning... sort of Smile

SideOfFoot · 31/12/2016 18:06

I would try giving her an item of clothing to try putting on herself while you dress her.

CaveMum · 31/12/2016 18:07

I rely on the iPad to get my almost 3yo ready Blush. Pop Kids iPlayer on and she happily stands still to watch Bing/Twirlywoos/Peter Rabbit while I dress her and brush her hair. I also let her "choose" what to wear - I pick out two lots of weather appropriate outfits and let her decide which ones she wants to wear that day. Works 90% of the time!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 31/12/2016 18:08

I had an easy time getting my 2 year old dressed today, for the first time in a very very long time!
I bought him socks with Paw Patrol characters on for Christmas. I told him he could wear them, but only if all his other clothes were on first. It actually worked!
He also lies about poo in his nappy. He'll be three in march and so far has shown an active distaste at the idea of potty training. I might have to see if Paw Patrol do a themed potty!
I found offering him choices for clothing didn't work. He didn't want to wear anything and would just start screaming at me. I also hate resorting to bribery, but when you've got to be out the door by a certain time, needs must.

smiffy54 · 31/12/2016 18:10

My 21 year old daughter still remembers going to nursery in her PJ's, as I wasn't going to wrangle her, and if I did manage to get her dressed the lot would be off again in seconds. She also remembers not giving a fuck about turning up at school in nightclothes!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 31/12/2016 18:10

OP, you did the right thing. If you all get along you'll have a stronger bond and she'll be more inclined to help you out.

Distraction still works so well at this age. I would get my toddler dressed in the living room while he was distracted by a book or something. Talking about the book with him and pointing at the pictures he would barely even notice he was getting dressed. This works equally well (if not better) with a google image search on the phone. He can cycle through pictures of cats or trains for hours if I'd let him. Also perfect for change times.

Of course positive reinforcement is winserdul and giving them choices makes them feel empowered yada yada, but if you really are in a hurry then a pleasant distraction is better than pinning them down screaming any day.

beela · 31/12/2016 18:13

We never manage the choice thing.

Me: do you want to wear the blue trousers or the green ones?
DS: no

Grin
KnittedBlanketHoles · 31/12/2016 18:13

I wish this forum had been around when I had a toddler, I'd have realised that I was doing ok with the same worries as everyone else. No advice though as mine is now 17...

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/12/2016 18:16

Hi Joyful, don't worry, you're doing a great job. 😀
The thing here is, there has to be consequences in place.
By all means, have breakfast, and then say , time to get dressed soon.
Would you like to choose your own clothes, or would you like Mummy to choose for you ?
So she has a fair choice. If she reacts, stay calm, and explain that Peppa will not be playing today, as she doesn't like upset in the house.
Once again, she has a choice etc.
Gentle discipline is security for toddlers. Of course they challenge Mummy, but stay calm and strong, don't react, even if she does, she's a baby.
If your child has spirit be proud.

trilbydoll · 31/12/2016 18:17

I have had that 2yo. And bribery didn't really work because she thought we could do xyz in her own sweet time, she didn't understand classes were at 9.30 or whatever. And fundamentally she didn't want to leave the house so there wasn't really anything to bribe or punish her with, she just wanted to prance around in a nappy all day.

It passed eventually, I thought if I fought the battle every day I would end up creating a routine of wrestling her to the ground so I left her to it if we were at home.

Luckily for me it was summer so less clothes to get on! We've been into town in pyjamas, but only once. I wouldn't let her out of the pushchair due to not being dressed so that seemed to have an effect.

ginsparkles · 31/12/2016 18:21

I would firstly have given her some control, given her some options. Do you want to wear this or that? Get dressed first or brush teeth first? That sort of thing.

I would use now and next "ok first we are going to get changed and then we are going to take you scooter to the park! Let's go and choose you something to wear!!"

As soon as she started to get upset I would sit with her and quietly reassure her, and find out why she didn't want to get dressed. If she didn't want to go to the park, then I wouldn't have bothered. If she did but didn't want to get changed I would have spoken to her about why we can't really go to the park in our pjs, so we could either choose something nice to wear and go to the park, or hang out at home in her pjs.

If always found giving some degree of control to my daughter helped massively. I would hate to be told "right get dressed, put that on, we are going out" so I can't imagine my daughter would like it much either

PurpleMinionMummy · 31/12/2016 18:26

Never threaten anything you aren't willing to carry through with. We all learn the hard way though! If you don't carry through they have no reason to listen. She won't listen next time as you still went to the park anyway, so either don't go next time or use something you will be happy to carry through with.

Choices are good, do you want to get dressed before breakfast or after. Also count downs until its time. 10 mins until you have to get dressed, 5 mins, 1 min etc.

Time out is another one.

A lot will depend on her understanding though, young two is different to almost 3, I can't remember how much mine understood at a young two.

Ditsy4 · 31/12/2016 18:27

Ah ! The terrible twos!
Two options teach her to dress herself. Go to the door and tell her if she doesn't let you dress her she is not going out and start to go yourself. Worked for me. DD and youngest was the worst over this. I don't remember the boys doing it but I do remember her. She could dress herself at 18mths including tights( bit of difficulty) and unfortunately then decided she would also chose her own clothes. She was even known to change several times a day. Occasionally I just let people know that she had dressed herself( unusual combos) if we went out. She definitely has her own style now.
I just wish you luck!

HeCantBeSerious · 31/12/2016 18:27

Had she gotten a favourite toy? Tell her we don't hit probbamy won't mean much to her. Take her favourite toy away or put her in a time out for a few minutes and then make sure she apologises.

All you do there is teach her that she can do anything she likes as long as she says sorry. An apology without meaning isn't an apology.

Willowkins · 31/12/2016 18:27

I let them choose what they were going to wear out of a very short shortlist and also sang a little song - usually the theme from Batman or Rawhide (think rolling, rolling, rolling...)

ginorwine · 31/12/2016 18:28

I'd let her choose clothes
I'd then try to make it fun
If that didn't work I wd say it's not negotiable and calmly dress her or take her out ( if I had to get somewhere like collect another child ) in a blanket to the car and totally ignore any tantrum whatsoever .

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