my fucking mil....again!

[wtafloosingmymarbles]

So, i posted the other day about my mil cutting in on all the big things and stamping all over special memories with my lo but showing no interest the rest of the time. This christmas she wrote my lo a letter from fc (again!) and bought the same gift as me - both things were given to my lo before mine were (as she turned up at the house unexpectedly in the morning rather than on the evening as agreed). It really upset me as lo us starting to 'get it' now and i want to do those things as his mum.

Before this she arranged (in march!) for our lo first visit to fc to take place the first weekend in december (a shitty hotel fc and not what we wanted at all - we didnt take lo to fc last year as lo was only 4 months old so this year was v.imp to me). She told oh it was for a family meal when he was distracted doing something so he agreed and then felt we couldnt back out. - who the fuck arranges these things nearly a year ahead?!!!!

Also, she then booked an all day event xmas eve (tricked oh into agreeing to that too!) - that we also had to pay for despite it not being what we wanted to do, miles away and ending late evening which fucked up our lo routine.

So, yesterday...YESTERDAY...(not even 2017 yet!.)..she announced she had booked a repeat of the shitty hotel fc visit for next year and its a family meal so we 'must' attend.

I am fucking fuming.

We have already agreed (me and oh) that we want to do a really special fc visit next year and i told mil this (to try to stop her taking over again). The calculating cow has done this deliberately as its the first weekend in dec again and now our lo will see some shitty fc in a hotel first rather than on the magical adventure we have planned.

If she writes a letter next year (oh is going to tell her not to) i will probably kill her.

So far, first outfit, first shoes(for christening!), first halloween outfit (presented july!), first family outing outfit, first fc letter (both fucking years!), first bloody everything.

Not interested the rest of the time but wants all the big, special moments for herself.

But arranging fc visits the YEAR PRIOR is, surely to god, taking the actual fucking piss!!

Don't go, simple

Going to repeat what I said earlier.

Say no
Be firm
Don't take any crap

My MIL also bought a bloody awful coat for our daughter. It's horrid and tacky and everything I hate.

She's not wearing it out. It'll become her nursery coat...

You'll have to gather up some gumption and say "no" and tell her why - then repeat. it's really in your hands. Put your foot politely but firmly down.

Start now - call her and tell her "thanks but no thanks, we aren't planning that far in advance but when we do take her we'll let you know so you can join in". Huffing and puffing doesn't change anything unless you let it. "Oooh a costume! Thanks this will go great in our costume box". Oh it's for Halloween? Oh we'll see....". Put it aside and pick what you want. when she oversteps be gracious, redirect and leather react how she wishes to.

Let her, not leather

"I'm sorry, that won't be possible"

"No, we won't be doing "

"No, we won't be attending "

You've booked something 12 months in advance? Unfortunately we can't commit to that as we don't know what our schedule will be yet and we don't want you out of pocket"

"Sorry, we have other plans which are to stay home and not get pissed off at you"

"Oh you bought this for DC? We already have that covered so do you want me to leave it with you so you can see if you can just get a refund or perhaps exchange it for ?"

"I have said that we will not attend this event, please respect our decision on this matter"

"If you cannot accept that on this occasion we can't/won't attend this event, then any further demands on our time/money/attention will be ignored until you can respect our wishes and accept when we say "No""

Thanks guys x

Sorry for blasting off much earlier in thread. Im so frustrated. My oh and his mum have an odd relationship. There is no dad and she has controlled and manipulated him ALL his life. She knows what buttons to press and how to sneak things in.

My oh and i have a difficult relationship as far as the inlaws go. She hates me because i took him away. She now makes it obvious she 'favours' his sibling and sil and their child whilst treating him and me like shit. He blames me for this as he cant seem to want to accept that she is being emotionally abusive. Some times he stands up to her and i silently cheer as i know how hard it is for him. He has stood up to her more and more but she ramps it up...and has got worse since our lo arrived as she hates that he has his own family.

My oh is emotionally abusive with me (there, i said it, out loud). Im usually very strong and to the outside world i am strong, opinionated at times and take no crap. BUT, i feel so weak in this situation as i know how much control she has over oh and, frankly speaking, i am a bit scared of/intimidated by her as she manipulates him so well.

I dont want to play her games. I dont and have never wanted to control my oh. I just want to enjoy my own family without her and then him making it miserable because of their fucked up dynamics.

This fc visit next year...its a big family do and if we dont go all hell will break loose and if i push for that she will trest him worse, he will blame me more etc. Its not always as simple as say no.

I know i need to play it clever and pick my battles but i hate her so much....and am starting to feel very badly toward my oh. I feel let down in our relationship. I never wanted to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have no family support AT ALL. Im a stay at home mum so have no financial independence. Im also pregnant so unemployable currently. If things dknt change i am strong enough to walk when i am able to - 2 yrs max, but i dont want to be in this position. I feel very sad.

Telling me to 'put my big girl pamts on' is no help to me, just makes me feel even shitter as, if it were anyone else, id not hessitate to tell them to do one. Its much more complex than that.

I need to think over what i want to happen in future with my child, how im going to stand up for myself with mil and how i will deal with my oh too. Its very hard to plan and think clever in this mind fucked situation whilst pregnant and looking after a young toddler.

Any more advice...its honestly welcome. Please dont tell me to 'man up' as it just makes it worse.

I know exactly what you're going through. I had a nightmare Mil too who used guilt, obligation and manipulation to control people.

Do not stick your head in the sand. It will not go away. It will not get better, you are not being unreasonable. Take action.

Whilst your Mil is undoubtedly controlling and difficult, from what I've read, the first problem is your DH. Saying no, really would be easy if your DH was onboard. But I suspect he puts his mothers needs before yours and that he would very quickly side with his mother and make you feel extremely guilty for upsetting her, right?
She plays on this, knowing she can get what she wants because her son backs her. Every time.

I'm not being harsh but he would rather upset you than her. You need to turn this around, this is YOUR family op, take control back.

You unfortunately seem to have a DH who has grown up in a home where his mother has been the one people have worked and tiptoed around. He needs reminding about how to be a good husband rather than how to be a good son.
If you don't do this she will continue to control your family.

You need to build a strong life away from your Mil and the rest of his side of the family. I understand how hard this can be if your own family aren't close. But make a massive effort to make some good friends who can support you.

Get organised. Get proactive.Don't wait for plans to be made by her. Make your own.
Make sure these plans are things you do together as a family.

Watch the language you use, emphasise the WE element when you are talking about decisions and plans with Mil.

Make sure he feels valued (where credit's due obviously) for being a supportive father and husband. You need to be a strong family unit that he has loyalty to.

Within reason, reduce the time your DH and his mother spend together. Fill your time up by socialising with families that have the dynamic you want.

If your DH resists your efforts to form a strong family unit or continues to put your needs at the bottom of the pile then unfortunately you will have to question your marriage.

Just say no.

Tbh though, if my mil bought my dd an outfit for Christmas day i wouldnt mind if she wore it. My dd changed out of the xmas day dress i gave her to put on an outfit my dad gave her .. no biggie. I think it's the constant repetition that would get me op. Tell her NO! .

Oh Marbles, what a mess! Congratulations on being pregnant again.

MIL's antics wouldn't matter if your DH wasn't so blind to what is going on. I think you need to do three things.

Firstly, stop worrying about their feelings and behaviour. If they behave badly or unreasonably, they will look bad and end up in a difficult situation. If they get upset- that's ok, just like it's ok for you to be upset. It's part of working through disagreements.

Secondly, do what you want. Plan what you want. Refuse what you want. If you are proactive in arranging stuff it will be easier for you to say no to other stuff. Set up a schedule (swimming on Mondays, toddler group Tuesday's etc) and refuse to do things that interfere with it.

Thirdly show you are upset. Stop being angry, and start being upset. DH is programmed to protect DM from distress, you need to harness that. It's hard because I think you show your upset through anger, lots of people do, but try and allow the sadness of your situation to show. Stop being calm and reasonable, rational and cooperative, just let rip with your distress that he is putting her first before you and his DD, that he doesn't care about you, that he doesn't notice how unhappy you are...

Don't think this is games playing- it is just communicating in a way which he can understand.

So, a difficult job- be stronger and weaker!!

So this is a big family do you are being forced to attend and pay for, correct? Sorry. Not fair and not appropriate. And you need to call it how it is. If you and your oh don't want to go. Dont. They don't get to decide how you spend your time and your money. Once you put your mind to it being that simple, it will be. You need to learn to live with the guilt she is spooning onto you. And deflect it wherever possible. So what if you're labelled the prize bitch. You know the truth and that's what's important.

I'm sorry to hear your oh is so attached to her apron strings and EA. I see that you're pregnant. Perhaps until you decide how life will pan out, it may be best to think about this being your last baby for the time being.

Navy and white

Op has explained that she's with him because she's pregnant and financially dependent and not in a mindset where she feels capable of leaving at this time. She has the start of a two yr plan and it's clear from the last post that her DH is the problem, the MIL only has the power he gives her. It's he who needs to change and if he can't then she must get out. I think she's taken the first step.

Thank you 38Cody. Absolutely right.

If she delivers an outfit, say 'thank you but we've bought one already.' then dress LO how you want. Same for trips/meals/days out - 'thank you but we've already planned our trip/what we are doing on that day' etc...
She'll soon get the message. Plus if you say no to the meal now, it can easily be cancelled and you can do what you want.

You need to have a conversation with your dh and explain to him it isn't kind and thoughtful, that she is taking away all these moments from you the parents. She's had her children, her turn, now it's yours and dh. Let him see you upset, let him see you cry, let him see that you're hurt that he's not supporting you. Once you've got him on side then you can tackle mil together.

Don't write off the whole relationship now, this can be saved. He's had this all his life and it will take him time to realise this isn't normal or right.

Your DH needs to acknowledge that his mother's dislike of you is her own problem. She would have disliked anyone he was with by the sounds of it. Also, even if she dislikes you for whatever messed up reason, that is not a valid reason to treat him worse. The issues of her liking you and how she treats him are all her issues and problems, not yours, and you need to tell him that he should sort it out with her. Convincing himself that your behaviour is the issue here is just denial on his part. Make that point verbally every time he raises it and shut the discussion down.

I am not sure it is possible for your DH to change enough to make this work. If he can it will be a long road, and you sound so worn down by it already. I know there are practical and financial issues with separation, but get as much information on your options as you can, and in the meantime emotionally disengage as much as possible. Refuse to be sucked into his messed up thinking.

Your MIL no doubt enjoys seeing you seething while she imposes her choices on you. Don't play into her hands by going along reluctantly with her plans - either calmly state that you have other plans of your own and won't be going to her event, or if your DH insists that you go, pretend it's marvelous and you're having a wonderful time, gush and be charming, it will most likely confuse her and spoil her enjoyment

As for all these "firsts" that you are worked up about, it's up to you whether you dress your DS in stuff you've bought or that she has bought, and whatever he wears is completely insignificant in the grand scheme of things anyway. The only exception would be a family heirloom outfit for a christening. Your DS will remember nothing of all this, he won't remember this year's Santa, and as for letters from Santa ... he's a baby and hasn't a clue what it's about. The only "firsts" that count are the ones he will remember, and the ones you will remember because they are significant, e.g. his first steps and his first words etc.

Forgot to add, I agree with Baylisiana that your MIL would most likely dislike anyone your DH was with.
My SIL didn't like her son's wife and criticized everything about her, famously telling her in the middle of one of their many rows "I shall always be his mother, but you might not always be his wife!"
They are now divorced, to SIL's satisfaction, but her son remarried last year. SIL hates his new wife even more than the first one, and they are now NC

When you get rid of abusive DH, you also get rid of his how to be an abuser tutor, MIL, and avoid them training the DC to be abusers.

While you make your exit plans you might as well just let the MIL nonsense wash over you.

None of the stuff you mentioned matters one jot in itself (tbh pretty much all of it is bizarre: letters to children from FC, wtf?). It is only a problem because these mad made up firsts are used as weapons to further abuse you.

If you are working on your plan to escape them then maybe it won't all feel so awful, maybe it will simply remind you that you are doing the right thing at all those solicitors appointments, at the Freedom Programme meetings, etc.

Are you really planning to remain in an abusive relationship for two years with a new baby and a toddler? That sounds horrifically difficult. Surely a recipe for PND and further abuse.

Have you spoken to a solicitor and Women's Aid yet? Started the Freedom Programme? Surely there are better options than living under a regime of sustained abuse by DH and his DM for two whole years.

WTAF

I totally get where your coming from (apart from my DH isn't EA)

But there is light at the end of the tunnel you just need to realise how much power you have.

The two year plan is bull shit. Your going to take two years of you feeling like this so you have an easy exit. It's not gonna happen.

Your gonna have to grasp the nettle by the thorns at some point.

I'm 3 years NC with my mil. Still to this day she is an arse hole if I see her in the street but DH will (eventually) pull her up on it. My NY resolution though is just to stick the middle finger up now if she carries on- I'm finished being passive.

What you need to worry about is the relationship that she will build with her dgc, make no mistake about it they will get dragged in to her power games and that's when it becomes horrible. You think you feel horrible now wait till your kids are in the middle.

You staying that extra two years also gives your Dh two years of teaching for your kids on how to be a Cunt to your wife.

Two years of taking a verbal and emotional battering of lf both of them

Oh and let the shit hit the fan - what going to happen? If either one assaults you - call the police.

Your giving them way too much power.

Stop being a little mouse

I hope you have found some support on here & I think everyone should all be careful of the language they use etc as none of us really know what any of the other members lives are like. I know asking for opinions will always generate some controversy but it's just how it's said.
OP I really hope you're not feeling too sad & I'm sure if you take some of the supportive comments you will start to slowly take back some control. Not having family support of your own must be hard as it seems you feel you simply automatically must join his family . You deserve happiness.
Go to your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor. Xx

Tell her you're not going.