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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my fucking mil....again!

127 replies

wtafloosingmymarbles · 30/12/2016 22:04

So, i posted the other day about my mil cutting in on all the big things and stamping all over special memories with my lo but showing no interest the rest of the time. This christmas she wrote my lo a letter from fc (again!) and bought the same gift as me - both things were given to my lo before mine were (as she turned up at the house unexpectedly in the morning rather than on the evening as agreed). It really upset me as lo us starting to 'get it' now and i want to do those things as his mum.

Before this she arranged (in march!) for our lo first visit to fc to take place the first weekend in december (a shitty hotel fc and not what we wanted at all - we didnt take lo to fc last year as lo was only 4 months old so this year was v.imp to me). She told oh it was for a family meal when he was distracted doing something so he agreed and then felt we couldnt back out. - who the fuck arranges these things nearly a year ahead?!!!!

Also, she then booked an all day event xmas eve (tricked oh into agreeing to that too!) - that we also had to pay for despite it not being what we wanted to do, miles away and ending late evening which fucked up our lo routine.

So, yesterday...YESTERDAY...(not even 2017 yet!.)..she announced she had booked a repeat of the shitty hotel fc visit for next year and its a family meal so we 'must' attend.

I am fucking fuming.

We have already agreed (me and oh) that we want to do a really special fc visit next year and i told mil this (to try to stop her taking over again). The calculating cow has done this deliberately as its the first weekend in dec again and now our lo will see some shitty fc in a hotel first rather than on the magical adventure we have planned.

If she writes a letter next year (oh is going to tell her not to) i will probably kill her.

So far, first outfit, first shoes(for christening!), first halloween outfit (presented july!), first family outing outfit, first fc letter (both fucking years!), first bloody everything.

Not interested the rest of the time but wants all the big, special moments for herself.

But arranging fc visits the YEAR PRIOR is, surely to god, taking the actual fucking piss!!

OP posts:
BlitzerMaloney · 30/12/2016 23:15

If you don't see her except for "first" events just let her sulk anyway!! She'll have found something else to focus on by then! Like others have said I find it hard to believe you can book a Christmas event for next year already, everyone is still recovering from this one!!

TigerLily666 · 30/12/2016 23:18

I am sympathetic. And for all the other posters. it is really hard when it is a MIL situation to say no. In my experience, despite what OH says to me in private, when it comes down to it and his mother is laying on the emotional mind control / guilt trips etc he often capitulates ... and i have been working on this for years! Occasionally we do what we want i.e. Christmas these days but it does come at a price

Lunde · 30/12/2016 23:19

You have to stop complaining and instead set and enforce your boundaries and say no - and get your DH to agree that this is your child not hers - if you keep on giving in then she will keep on with what she is doing

... and why can't you "misplace" the outfits if you don't want DC to wear MIL's outfits

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2016 23:23

Those blaming the DH for someone else's actions do realise that he has had this for years and years until it has become normalised behaviour and if they do split up then the MiL will get unblocked access to the child.

ToadsforJustice · 30/12/2016 23:25

If you have difficulty in saying no, try saying "that doesn't work for me/us" or "perhaps another time".

elvis86 · 30/12/2016 23:29

I am sympathetic. And for all the other posters. it is really hard when it is a MIL situation to say no. In my experience, despite what OH says to me in private, when it comes down to it and his mother is laying on the emotional mind control / guilt trips etc he often capitulates ... and i have been working on this for years! Occasionally we do what we want i.e. Christmas these days but it does come at a price

I'm very lucky to have a fab MIL, but I'm also very deliberately with a partner who is an adult and able to make decisions independent of his parents. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't?

I really struggle to understand how so many women are seemingly with men who pander to their mothers at the expense of their partners and families??Confused

goingmadinthecountry · 30/12/2016 23:46

I have sympathy - it can be very hard and cause big family rifts. I know from bitter experience.

HoHumming · 30/12/2016 23:50

Actually if you are going to say you have a 'bug' whenever the planned weekend is, you might be better off saying your baby has a bug as she will otherwise take him off on her own.

But the advice you have been given to just say no is far better advice than making up silly excuses.

My MIL repeatedly gives me clothes for my children that I wouldn't choose myself. I say thank you and pass them to a charity shop. Admittedly it took me quite a while to reach this stage, and she persists in giving me digs about whether the clothes fitted them as she would be 'happy to exchange them' when she doesn't see them on them.

She seems to like buying them, she isn't interested as to whether I like them, she doesn't spend much on them as she is quite frugal and I have outgrown the stage of feeling upset to just receive clothes that are not to my taste. In my mind, at least the charity shop benefits.

Baylisiana · 30/12/2016 23:51

The problem here isn't the outfits or Santa or whatever....it is that your MIL rides roughshod over you and you do not feel that you can express an opinion or stand up for yourself with her. Mostly, you can say to someone, oh sorry we'd made plans/actually I wanted to choose something, and it is fine.

Ok, so she is going to react badly. Bring it on! Her tantrums will be pure entertainment once you have resolved that you will not give in to them. You ought to enjoy seeing her try all her usual tricks to no avail. If she wants to spend quality time with your LO on a normal day to day level, great. Tantrums over wanting to control the Disney moments....it is ok to be intolerant of those. Just laugh at her.

100milesanhour · 30/12/2016 23:52

Tell her no, you've already got plans that day

Baylisiana · 30/12/2016 23:53

By the way OP, yanbu to,notice that your MIL is difficult, but yabu to resent her for things you could refuse to do. She did not make you go anywhere. She will not make you go anywhere. You chose to go.

Creampastry · 30/12/2016 23:53

I can't believe she has booked it yet, that's bollocks. And just say no!!!

MakeMyWineADouble · 30/12/2016 23:57

Places are taking bookings for Christmas next year😱😱😱?? (Missing the point somewhat).

It's a year away say no now the fallout can happen while there is no special occasions to spoil and there is plenty of time for her to rearrange!! As pp have said draw the line and stick with it!! I would also stop telling her things like presents you have planed she can't steal ideas she doesn't have

HarrietSchulenberg · 31/12/2016 00:01

Just get your own Father Christmas letter delivered on 1st December and have it on the mantlepiece when MIL arrives. When she attempts to start reading hers, announce there must be a mix up as the letter has already been delivered and read.
Everything else, just say "No" to unless you really want to do it, in which case say, "Thank you".
Remember, you'll be someone's MIL one day too.

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2016 00:11

Why did you go to the Christmas Eve event when you didn't want to?

KC225 · 31/12/2016 00:25

I agree with Elvis, don't make excuses, for the day because that doesn't address the issue. You both need to man up and say NO as everyone keeps telling you. My DH never arranges anything without clearing it with the family diary (via me). He needs to recite the line 'I have to check with OP in case we have something on'

Make it your NEW YEAR resolution to put an end to this. Ring her up tomorrow and say 'You shouldn't have booked crap santa hotel without talking to us as we plan to do something different this/next year' If you have spent the past year pandering to her it will be easy to say 'No, not this time. We let you do it last year. But are doing it this way now' If she has a tantrum, you need to keep reminding her little one is your child.

llangennith · 31/12/2016 00:29

Smile and say "no we're not doing that." Come on OP this is your one and only life not a trial run. Don't waste it.

80sMum · 31/12/2016 00:37

Agree with what llangennith said. Just tell MIL that you're not going. Be blunt if need be, but make sure she knows it's not happening.

Astro55 · 31/12/2016 00:37

Actually - I'd just say to DH - IM not going - and not is baby - we are doing X instead - please let your DM know -

That's it - his problem to deal with - he agreed you didn't - don't go

80sMum · 31/12/2016 00:39

This is your child, not hers! She needs to be reminded of that fact!!

38cody · 31/12/2016 00:59

Tell her straight that you want to be in control of the joyful firsts. end of. she's had her children, done it her way, now it's your child. You need to be really straight about what you don'r like so that she can't disguise it.
Tell her - I didn't like that hotel much, next year will be a really good age for DS to see FC and I want to choose one and arrange it myself as I'd really enjoy that. Don't take no for an answer. Your child, not hers, you WILL NOT get these special moments back again.

Megatherium · 31/12/2016 01:03

So is the problem about saying no the sulks and tantrums? Because they're very easy to ignore. You are perfectly entitled to walk out or put the phone down if she goes into a tantrum, and if she's sulking and giving you the silent treatment, ignore her and carry on talking happily to each other or other people. If she's just generally whinging and saying how awful you are, tell her you've made your decision and are not prepared to discuss it.

38cody · 31/12/2016 01:04

Please don't make excuses and fake illnesses - it becomes a cat and mouse game - just tell her that you feel she has taken the lead in some special moments that you would like to lead on with your child and it must stop as it's upsetting you. Be Brave and straight talking, she's a manipulative game player and it can only be stopped by being strong and frank.

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 01:06

Go NC or low NC. She cant make plans if you don't speak to her

Zucker · 31/12/2016 01:08

Why are you going along with it all? Surely you or your OH dress your child, so why was an outfit for halloween bought in July even put on the child? Ignore her, let her stomp and cry and feign death (chances are she will develop some uncurable disease the first time you hold your ground so be ready), the world won't stop turning, really it won't!