my fucking mil....again!

[wtafloosingmymarbles]

So, i posted the other day about my mil cutting in on all the big things and stamping all over special memories with my lo but showing no interest the rest of the time. This christmas she wrote my lo a letter from fc (again!) and bought the same gift as me - both things were given to my lo before mine were (as she turned up at the house unexpectedly in the morning rather than on the evening as agreed). It really upset me as lo us starting to 'get it' now and i want to do those things as his mum.

Before this she arranged (in march!) for our lo first visit to fc to take place the first weekend in december (a shitty hotel fc and not what we wanted at all - we didnt take lo to fc last year as lo was only 4 months old so this year was v.imp to me). She told oh it was for a family meal when he was distracted doing something so he agreed and then felt we couldnt back out. - who the fuck arranges these things nearly a year ahead?!!!!

Also, she then booked an all day event xmas eve (tricked oh into agreeing to that too!) - that we also had to pay for despite it not being what we wanted to do, miles away and ending late evening which fucked up our lo routine.

So, yesterday...YESTERDAY...(not even 2017 yet!.)..she announced she had booked a repeat of the shitty hotel fc visit for next year and its a family meal so we 'must' attend.

I am fucking fuming.

We have already agreed (me and oh) that we want to do a really special fc visit next year and i told mil this (to try to stop her taking over again). The calculating cow has done this deliberately as its the first weekend in dec again and now our lo will see some shitty fc in a hotel first rather than on the magical adventure we have planned.

If she writes a letter next year (oh is going to tell her not to) i will probably kill her.

So far, first outfit, first shoes(for christening!), first halloween outfit (presented july!), first family outing outfit, first fc letter (both fucking years!), first bloody everything.

Not interested the rest of the time but wants all the big, special moments for herself.

But arranging fc visits the YEAR PRIOR is, surely to god, taking the actual fucking piss!!

Your OH needs to be on board with this. If he agrees to everything, she's never going to stop and you're going to spontaneously combust because it will Keep On Happening Every Single Fucking Time.

Sort him out, get him to sort his mother out - or give up and accept it.

It's not "normal" behaviour, no, but there are a lot of women like your MIL, and they are all of the "give them an inch and they'll take a mile" school. It HAS to be nipped in the bud.

"Sorry that doesn't work for us" repeat, repeat, repeat and ignore her histrionics.

I don't see any patronising. Your mil's behaviour isn't remotely normal but nor is going along with plans you don't want to just to please her.

Get a grip and say no. Your oh really needs to step up but if he can't/won't then you need to and put some firm boundaries in place or she'll keep on doing this and worse for the rest of time.

You need to make sure you get OH involved and on your side.

Just say no.
Smile sweetly, say stuff like 'that's so thoughtful of you BUT...' and insert what you're ARE going to do.

Don't put up with any tantrums or emotional blackmail.

My MIL bought a Christmas Day outfit for our daughter. It was her first one.

I smiled and said 'that's so thoughtful of you - we've actually got a lovely dress but that'd be very cute for her Christmas Eve dress'.

I wasn't letting ANYONE pick what MY daughter was wearing on Christmas Day so I was nice but very very firm!

She needs to be told in clear and certain terms that she is not to arrange things for your LO without asking you first and to take No as an answer. She will ignore you of course and the next time she brings some plan up then you just say "Sorry but No its not what we want to do so you will have to unbook it." Or whatever. She will lose her shit and thats fine, let her. She can only treat you this way if you allow her to. If you refuse to play her game then she cant make you! She cant physically drag you all to a hotel to fc. Man up - big girl pants. Talk to the hand.

My lol is similar
I stopped involving her and yes she bought the outfits but I never used them. She got the hint but slowly she mentioned seeing Fc next year and I said it is alibg time away ( not a ruddy chance in you know where will I go with her)
You need to get your dh on board and fast

The oniy way she is ever going to stop is if you say no and stop going along with it all. Does it matter if she strops and sulks? Leave the house or put down the phone when she kicks off. What's worse? Dealing with a wounded sulky adult for a bit or carrying on putting up with that crap?

She turns up and reads the letters without one word to us

So just pick up your child and walk out of the room without a word. If she asks what you're doing, say you have plans and leave the house.

As to everything else. Just say no.

First halloween outfit? First family outing outfit?

Mine are teens and still haven't had a letter from father christmas, let alone a "first" one.

You're a bit hung up on the importance of "firsts". Just say no to the mil to stuff you don't want to do. Arrange something else for that weekend.

So what if she has a tantrum. Tell her you won't be going, it's no good moaning on here (though good for you to be able to let it all out) if you just keep letting her get away with it. It will ruin what could've a lovely relationship. Remind her she's had her children, now it's yours and your she's turn. And ignore any tantrums.

Are you the Christmas outfit poster? You got humpty on that thread too.

You act as though all of this just happens to you and you have no control

Get your act together

Agree with Elvis86.

Tell that you will not be attending the meal. Plan your own FC visit - even if it's in theory. Turn your anger and frustration into confidence. You can stand your ground without stooping to her level. "Thank you for the invitation/clothes/whatever but I have already planned/bought/etc. It was very thoughtful of you but it might be better to check first next time so we don't have clashes".

Out of curiosity, even if she buys first shoes, outfit, etc. why can't you just not put your LO in them but the things that you have bought?

Omg oh/mil I am so pleased and excited! I just won the best prize ever, forgot I'd even entered that competition for that weekend away! Guess what it's for the first weekend in Dec!

You're grown adults. Get a grip. Say no.

You were told on the last thread not to go to that Xmas eve event. But you went.

You've only yourself to blame there.

I get it, there are sulks, moods and tantrums if things don't go her way. Well fuck her.

You're allowing your self to be mugged off here. Never ever over my dead body would I allow someone away with that shit.

Take a little bit of that kick ass attitude you showed upthread and direct it at your MIL.

Yes, she's a crazy manipulative bitch. You're the gatekeeper to your daughter and all those precious moments. If you don't woman up, it'll keep happening.

There's gonna be conflict and acrimony but you know, that's how this woman is going to learn. Nice polite charts and hints are going to do nothing.

Your daughter OP.

Who even books fc in a hotel a year away?

Do they even book that far in advance? Im afraid im with others and just say NO thanks. if she starts asking why, you both have to say we will choose where to take him. Or just don't turn up on the day, or hand him over. Shes only doing it because you're allowing her to. call her bluff, say no, what's the worst she will do, flounce away for a week or 2. shoot her down now and it'll get easier each time.

Mil was like this, wanted to take ds on his first holiday, wanted to take him to a theme park a week earlier than we had tickets for... I kept saying no to everything. controlling behaviour needs nipping in the bud.

Luckily your child is only 16 months old so won't have a clue what's going on anyway - tell her to feck off, and do your own thing.

Oh she's one of those Disney mils, not interested day to day in gc but if there's a 'first' to be had, she's there. My mil fits into this category, she's already ruined loads of nice little things we had planned for dd.

Get your oh fully on side, I can't stress this enough

Some patronising wankers on here. Thanks but on here to see if iabu not for a lecture. My mil behaviour can not be normal!

Post an essay whinging and sling insults at other posters all you like - so long as you do naff all to actually tackle the situation in real life, you'll just carry on being walked all over by your MIL - none of the wankers here care either way..

She is so manipulative. She books things months (a year!) In advanve then 'drops' them into casual convo with my oh so its 'agreed

so, who says its agreed, she is using the fear of you not saying no agaisnt you,

imagine if you just said " oh no, mil why did you do that> sorry but we are doing x that day" oh no mil I already got dd one of those sorry....take it back though,

its a two way street, she does something awful if you go along with it your enabling it - you just have to reject it.

Some patronising wankers on here.

Well that's nice.

You say no.
For example, my MIL tried to insist I would stay at there house in the middle of nowhere immediately after having my son. I simply said that would not be happening, so it didn't.

I remember your Christmas Eve event thread - you were told by so many MNers not to go and have a crap time and ruin your DCs routine on Christmas Eve so they were sleepy and grumpy on Christmas day - pretty much everyone said it was fine to refuse to go, and the money would be wasted either way as you'd hate it.

Why did you go?!

Time to tackle it - call her, do it tomorrow with your DH sat there and say "hi MIL, we've been talking about it and we've decided we don't want to go to the Father Christmas thing in December last year as we really thought it was a bit rubbish this year. Can you get your money back as we won't be going, wish you'd asked us first." You don't need to worry about upsetting her as she doesn't care about upsetting you, so just do it.

Get it sorted. Stop going along with it. You say no, you mean it and don't go. You refuse to let her bully you.

Or come back next year about how she's ruined Christmas again, failing to see your part in this.

Omg oh/mil I am so pleased and excited! I just won the best prize ever, forgot I'd even entered that competition for that weekend away! Guess what it's for the first weekend in Dec!

I actually think this kind of advice isn't very good. Why tie yourself up in lying or worse, deliberately making plans so you're in unavailable? You're still affording the overbearing person the power to influence what you do. Much easier to just say you don't want to do what's being suggested - simple.

JUST SAY NO. KEEP SAYING NO. So she buys an outfit does she turn up Christmas morning and physically wrangle your child into it? Even if she did you could smear food or shit on it and have your child in what you want in a heartbeat.
No one can make you pay or make you turn up anywhere.