His inhaler.his responsibility.

[Whathappendexactly]

Going to sound a unsympathetic old cow I know but this feels like the last straw.

DH cannot be trusted with anything responsible or to look after himself. He's like a child who messes up and expects everyone to run around after him . The list is endless but includes things like driving him to work because he's over the limit the next morning or stopping for his favorite food or beer on my way home from work ( 2 hour commute) because he's hungry.

Yesterday , after a very busy Christmas for me looking after my children and his family we set off for Cornwall. I got through the slog of the festivities because I knew I had this to look forward to.

So we have arrived but his inhaler has run out. In fact in ran out a few weeks ago and he ended up in a mildly distressed way that required a trip to an out of hours pharmacy to get a new one.

So now we have spent our first hour locating a walk in centre and he has to sit and wait ( I'm not surprised and unlike him I would never expect to be seen instantly).

I've judt had to listen to him on the phone explaining to a receptionist that as he's forgotten his inhaler he'd like a new one please right now. He's had the nerve to complain to me thst he's got to see a doctor so has to sit and wait! Honestly he can't even see he's created his own problem and dragged me along with it.

We are no where near our cottage so it's not practical to go and find it ( nothrough even checked in yet).

His mother and sister still treat him like a child. It's no wonder as his wife I left to all but wipe his bum.

So AIBU to not be sympathetic in the slightest and be mad as he'll thst the start of our break is judt like the rest of my life. Running after him.

If you don't stop doing what you're doing now, things will never change. He won't change his ways because why would he? They work fine for him. If you left him, that would be the most likely reason he would change, because he'd have to.

You also, as posters have now said, obviously get something out of being so 'needed'. Think about that.

How does he manage responsibilities at work?

Oh FFS you have two school aged children that you live hours away from and yet have chosen this stupid lazy man-child knobhead to be with instead? He will never change, he's just wearing you down. He is a human being not a dog, he doesn't need training. He's clever enough to have trained you, isn't he?

He is not a child or a puppy to be trained. He is not a project for you or someone to rescue. He is a person who is supposed to make your life better and more enjoyable.
He has mucked up every day of your break and you think it is your responsibility to sort out the problem - why?

I think you get a sense of purpose from helping others but at a high cost to yourself.

It doesn't sound as if you have any intention of ever leaving him despite him causing you to be in tears and feeling rubbish.

You'll never get him to change , he doesn't want to change and you'll carry on clearing up after him when he throws a strop.

If I can't help change him, what are my options? I don't want to leave him.

Your option is for you to change how you deal with him.

Let him sort his day to day obstacles out, don't change your plans because of his cock-up etc etc etc. In summary, act like an adult in a relationship with another adult.

Believe me, I know the adult-to-adult thing will be vvv hard to practise when you're in quite extreme parent and child roles at min. But it's the only way for things to change, if, as you say, you don't want to leave him...

You also need to expect to learn in the process as much about yourself and your current unhealthy role in the relationship, as his. As I said, not easy.

I'm interested in the reasons you live so far from your dc.

Surely they are your first priority.

I've just caught up with this thread.

Have you ever considered that he is not actually the problem? And that the problem is you?

All this headspace about training another person and gosh isn't he useless, is just a way of you avoiding taking responsibility for your own life. He's just a prop that you use in order to duck out of taking control of your life.

I think you like to keep things so busy that you don't have time to think about how you want your life to be.

I also think you need him more than he needs you.

You can't help him do anything he doesn't want to and he doesn't want to change. You sound a bit like a 'rescuer' op. Someone who gets with someone that they can 'rescue' and change. Rescuers hate to lose their projects so it's not very surprising that you want to train him but you can't. And it becomes a repetitive cycle of you trying to change and feeling angry and frustrated.

I'd love to know what your Dcs think about manchild.

OP, get some counselling for yourself. You clearly have a big need to be needed by people, and this needs to be unpicked.

You can't change him. Only he can do that, and right now he doesn't want to or have any need to.

And he's an adult, so capable of sorting himself out. But instead he's being a useless, selfish prick, probably just because he can.

You, however, have children who would benefit from more time with you.

I'd ditch this bloke permanently, get some counselling to sort out the co-dependancy and other issues, and move closer to the children.

No dont do it for him. No sympathies either. I've come to doing this with my dh aswell.. I don't bother with his things as they are his responsibility, when he complains i offer no sympathy and say you have to be more organised.

They like to be treated like children when it suits.

You've given up your children for this manchild ?

OP consider this. The "price of admission" of being married to your husband is doing everyone for him or he'll drink himself to death.

He's very unlikely to change so you have to decide if the price is worth what you get out of the relationship. Is it?

I clearly have some work to do but as I've managed to potty train and raise two responsible children there is hope I can retrain DH.

He. Is. An. Adult.

Not a toddler. Not a dog.

Initially I felt very sorry for you as your husband appears to behave like a spoilt child but the more you post the more it becomes clear that a lot of this situation is of your own making. Yes, your husband behaves like a child and is a spoilt, selfish dick ... but it's pretty clear that there is a part of you that, subconsciously, enjoys treating him like one and enjoys playing the martyr.

One minute you're saying you'll leave him and are crying on the bed and the next minute you're talking about 'retraining' a grown man as if it's all a jolly jape. You seem to be quite into the drama of all this.

Also, is forgetting a memory card that big a deal, really?! Why do you even want photos of the you mainly spent crying about your husband's spoilt babyish behaviour? Yesterday you were thinking of leaving and now it's "oh, silly DH, I'll have to retrain him like I potty trained my children"? The degree to which you're now revelling in infantilising him is weird.

You're coming across as a bit matryr-ish now

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change

Um. OK. I get that I have brought the situation on myself. Doesn't make it less easy but I'll find the solution one way or another.

Few points raised I'll like to cleat up. My children think he's ace. Thry adore his sense of fun and laid back manner, he's the polar opposite of their Dad. ( who thry love too).

I moved away from the children after the divorce into a town I could afford and is also the other home town in the children lives, they will probably move here eventually but not at this stage of their education.. My children go to a selective schools and I could not get them into similar where I live. I have actually known my husband longer than my ex husband but we both chose different paths for ourselves back thend and met again after my marriage was over. I keep my job to ensure i am still near my children and Dad in the week. I have dinner with them during the week before I drive home and can be on hand for things like dental appointments. I also collect the children and bring them home with me at weekends. My exhusband does not work normal hours and has a lit if time off duringvthe week but works lots of weekends and holiday periods. It's a situation thst works best for everyone and was carefully thought out plan to enable everyone to own a decent home in home towns.

I shouldn't really need to justify why I don't live with my children but hope thst puts light on the subject for anyone thinking I wasn't standing up to my responsibilities as a parent.

Thanks for you posts. I'm tired from work, festivities, looking after Dad / Aunt. I'll be back on it in the New Year and wasn't coping. The remark about training hubby was slightly lighthearted and optimistic. We both need to change.

Should say exhusband has a lot of time off in the week ( hardly works at all in the winter). He actually has the most spare time to devote to our children in the week and I take over weekends and most of the school holiday.

You can't change other people.
The best you can do change yourself and hope that there is a knock on effect on how they react to you.

It's fine to be the NRP. No shame at all in that if it works for you and the children.

But if we're armchair psychologising here, it looks like you are desperate to run round after someone, anyone. Even if you hate doing it and it makes you unhappy and angry.

Why?

(Don't answer on thread btw, unless you really want to, but you need a good hard look at yourself and why you are making these essentially self destructive choices if you want the situation to change. )

Your children are learning how to get a woman to wait on you hand and foot. By being a bully. By using drunkenness as a weapon to keep her in line (you know she'll do anything to stop you drinking).

Did you get any treatment for your codependency when you divorced the last husband? He seems to have done awfully well out of the divorce. Freedom Programme done?

www.recoveryconnection.com/top-ten-indicators-suffer-codependency/

I would be seriously concerned if my children liked someone who was a total dick to me. What have you taught them is acceptable behaviour within a marriage? They must see how little you value yourself.