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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His inhaler.his responsibility.

122 replies

Whathappendexactly · 30/12/2016 13:20

Going to sound a unsympathetic old cow I know but this feels like the last straw.

DH cannot be trusted with anything responsible or to look after himself. He's like a child who messes up and expects everyone to run around after him . The list is endless but includes things like driving him to work because he's over the limit the next morning or stopping for his favorite food or beer on my way home from work ( 2 hour commute) because he's hungry.

Yesterday , after a very busy Christmas for me looking after my children and his family we set off for Cornwall. I got through the slog of the festivities because I knew I had this to look forward to.

So we have arrived but his inhaler has run out. In fact in ran out a few weeks ago and he ended up in a mildly distressed way that required a trip to an out of hours pharmacy to get a new one.

So now we have spent our first hour locating a walk in centre and he has to sit and wait ( I'm not surprised and unlike him I would never expect to be seen instantly).

I've judt had to listen to him on the phone explaining to a receptionist that as he's forgotten his inhaler he'd like a new one please right now. He's had the nerve to complain to me thst he's got to see a doctor so has to sit and wait! Honestly he can't even see he's created his own problem and dragged me along with it.

We are no where near our cottage so it's not practical to go and find it ( nothrough even checked in yet).

His mother and sister still treat him like a child. It's no wonder as his wife I left to all but wipe his bum.

So AIBU to not be sympathetic in the slightest and be mad as he'll thst the start of our break is judt like the rest of my life. Running after him.

OP posts:

PoliticsNPhilosophyG33k · 30/12/2016 13:51

I've ASD, ADHD, medicated OCD, several allergies and other serious medical conditions and learning difficulties including an autoimmune disorder and severe asthma and I've managed my medication independently since I was 11, my 17 year old nephew also asthmatic manages that himself and my 3 year old great nephew knows he has to take his inhaler in the morning and night, that the spare one goes in his school bag and another in his pocket just in case. Obviously he doesn't use them unsupervised but he knows to keep them with him and that if he starts wheezing or can't breath properly to find mum/teacher or whoever is looking after him. It's common sense that if something helps you to breath you make sure to have a working one at all times.

MountainPeaks · 30/12/2016 13:51

Haven't RTFT.

But can't you set up the delivery service for his prescriptions so they arrive straight to the house regularly.

But yes, he's an adult and should be able to deal with repeat prescriptions - what if it was one of your children? Would he be able to handle sorting medication for them?

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 30/12/2016 13:52

Leave him there.

Go to your cottage. Tell him He can get a taxi / public transport back to the cottage - even better if this isn't actually possible, put the shits up him a bit. Leave him to fend for himself for a bit. You have to ensure there are consequences for his behaviour. So don't run round after him.

AyeAmarok · 30/12/2016 13:54

OP you need to just stop.

Tell him you're stopping. Tell him you have enough people to look after and he needs to start looking after himself as a minimum.

Then stop. Seriously, just don't do it anymore.

Passmethecrisps · 30/12/2016 13:56

I must admit to being a bit of a fanny about my inhalers. I forget to take my brown one then run out of the blue one etc etc.

However, I would be utterly mortified if I had once ended up having to get an emergency one. It wouldn't certainly never happen again.

He sounds like he has never properly grown up and it isn't your responsibility to raise him. You have plenty of your own responsibilities.

IdaDown · 30/12/2016 14:04

Personally I'd go to my aunts and stay there. Even with the care / odd jobs, it'll be more of a holiday for you.

ChuckSnowballs · 30/12/2016 14:08

You can get inhalers from asda pharmacy. They just sit with you and go through some medical stuff and voilà.

FurryLittleTwerp · 30/12/2016 14:11

My DH does this - I have tried & tried to get him engage with sorting out his own prescriptions & it always ends up in a mad rush, with me doing the rushing grrr

Another one that just feeds himself beer & crisps if I'm not there to cook - he will go to the supermarket however, where he buys just beer & crisps

jeaux90 · 30/12/2016 14:14

No excuse for this. I am asthmatic and a busy single mum who works full time. You can do repeat online prescriptions now and pick them up at your local pharmacy without any fuss. Literally it takes 5 mins to register and about two minutes to re-order. If he is incapable of doing that then I would ditch his childish arse.

NewNNfor2017 · 30/12/2016 14:20

Going to sound a unsympathetic old cow I know

No, you don't sound like an unsympathetic old cow. You sound trapped and very unhappy.

Do you have experience of being considered an equal to others in your life? Of others putting your needs first?

Your DH has never had to take responsibility for himself - he delegates his adult responsibilities to you. Is that what you agreed to when you married him? Had DCs with him?

I have no idea how you get yourself out of this - it sounds as if you are as dependent on doing things for him as he is on you doing them. Eventually, something will give - your physical or mental health - and you will no longer be able to meet the daily responsibilities of both yourself and your DH.

happypoobum · 30/12/2016 14:20

And if I don't cook or put food under his nose he'll drink and drink until he can't stand up

He really is a prince isn't he?

I agree with potatosalad

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2016 14:20

Alcohol contains chemicals which can trigger asthma attacks.

Are his worsening asthma symptoms linked to his increased drinking?

SheldonsSpot · 30/12/2016 14:24

You're married to an alcoholic spoilt brat and you're the perfect partner for him - a total enabler.

It's pretty clear that you're not ready to change your own situation just yet, if ever, so I hope you feel better after the vent anyway.

Kidnapped · 30/12/2016 14:27

"DH has already stated he's not coming with me to my Aunts to help with this care but to be fair some it it will be personal so it's not appropriate anyway".

There's plenty of things that he could do at your Aunts. Like support his wife for a bloody start. And then do some DIY/gardening/shopping while you look after your Aunt. Christ.

Honestly, having him in your life is making your life harder, not easier. I'd be tempted to tell him to find the nearest train station and let him find his own way home.

melonribena · 30/12/2016 14:42

Does he work?

AyeAmarok · 30/12/2016 14:43

And if I don't cook or put food under his nose he'll drink and drink until he can't stand up. I'm in a very awkward situation because he won't look after himself.

Missed this!

Just leave him to it. He'll realise he needs to sort himself out eventually. At the moment you're mopping up all his cock ups.

NewNNfor2017 · 30/12/2016 14:48

Does he work?

The OP says she drives him to work if he's over the limit from the night before.

LIZS · 30/12/2016 14:52

And if I don't cook or put food under his nose he'll drink and drink until he can't stand up. I'm in a very awkward situation because he won't look after himself

He doesn't need to , he has you at his beck and call, to the point of him being emotionally abusive. I find your need to care for everyone and be loved for it , potentially at cost to your wellbeing, rather concerning.

Kidnapped · 30/12/2016 15:27

Think about the scene at the walk-in centre.

He was annoyed that his needs were not put above those of people who were more sick than him.

Rather than feel ashamed about taking up the time of the staff because of his own cock-up, he was angry at them for not giving him what he wanted immediately.

That really is deep-seated entitlement.

RortyCrankle · 30/12/2016 15:28

Honestly OP, I know you won't want to hear this but I would deliver him back to his Mother. She obviously raised him to be a man-child so let her deal with him.

You've not said one positive word about him in this thread, just added other awful things. I know you probably just started it to have a good rant to get it out of your system but seriously, do you think it would be a good idea to take some time out to consider your future? Do you want that to include him continuing to mentally abuse you? Is that really acceptable to you? Is he being a good role model for your children? Your life appears to be spent looking after other people - who looks after you?

I wish you well whatever you do or don't do

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2016 15:33

OP, sorry but I'm going to be a bit blunt.

You look after your disabled dad. Part of your holiday is helping out a very disabled aunt for 3-4 hours a day. And the man you married, everyone said he was a mess and he was living with his mum and dad, despite having his own home.

Can you see the pattern?

You have some need to look after others. I dare say you picked this man partly because he needed taken care of. But, whilst "The family I care for love me back in so many ways", your arse of a husband is not actually in need of care he is just a fucking pain in the arse who sees it as everybody else's job to care for him.

And as for "if I don't cook or put food under his nose he'll drink and drink until he can't stand up. I'm in a very awkward situation because he won't look after himself."
Where to start? Are you saying he's an alcoholic? No, you don't have to look after him. You don't have to feed him. You don't have to be there.

This does not sound like a marriage. You have volunteered to be his live-in carer. What you need to do is to work out WHY you do this. And then stop bloody doing it.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 15:34

Do you actually like him,or are you trying to save him?seeing the buried good that no one else sees
He's skilled at making sure everyone attends to his multiple needs inc you
Much as you bemoan his family,you're doing the same thing.you infantalise him

Roles in relationships can become locked in. Why did you chose to sort out the broken problematic guy?

Penfold007 · 30/12/2016 16:32

You are co-dependent. It's not healthy for either of you.

EveOnline2016 · 30/12/2016 16:54

Why doesn't he just do a repeat prescription. It's so simple.

MrsCharlieD · 30/12/2016 17:04

If you go to a pharmacy and say by our have inhalers on prescription and have forgotten to bring it on holiday they will let you buy one. I have done this before Wight no problems. However those were genuine mistakes and usually I am good at remembering to order my repeats. You sound downtrodden and fed up. He is selfish and childish and honestly I can't believe you have put up with this for so long.

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