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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His inhaler.his responsibility.

122 replies

Whathappendexactly · 30/12/2016 13:20

Going to sound a unsympathetic old cow I know but this feels like the last straw.

DH cannot be trusted with anything responsible or to look after himself. He's like a child who messes up and expects everyone to run around after him . The list is endless but includes things like driving him to work because he's over the limit the next morning or stopping for his favorite food or beer on my way home from work ( 2 hour commute) because he's hungry.

Yesterday , after a very busy Christmas for me looking after my children and his family we set off for Cornwall. I got through the slog of the festivities because I knew I had this to look forward to.

So we have arrived but his inhaler has run out. In fact in ran out a few weeks ago and he ended up in a mildly distressed way that required a trip to an out of hours pharmacy to get a new one.

So now we have spent our first hour locating a walk in centre and he has to sit and wait ( I'm not surprised and unlike him I would never expect to be seen instantly).

I've judt had to listen to him on the phone explaining to a receptionist that as he's forgotten his inhaler he'd like a new one please right now. He's had the nerve to complain to me thst he's got to see a doctor so has to sit and wait! Honestly he can't even see he's created his own problem and dragged me along with it.

We are no where near our cottage so it's not practical to go and find it ( nothrough even checked in yet).

His mother and sister still treat him like a child. It's no wonder as his wife I left to all but wipe his bum.

So AIBU to not be sympathetic in the slightest and be mad as he'll thst the start of our break is judt like the rest of my life. Running after him.

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 31/12/2016 08:16

"The children are mine from my first marriage. But they are not grown up, still school age. They mostly live with their Dad in term time as the best schools are in his catchment. This means for a great deal of time after the commute ( 2 hours each way) and my dad I do have time to sort his stuff out".

Erm, just because you have time doesn't mean that you should it.

If I were you, I'd be moving out and moving closer to my children. They'll be adults soon enough and you won't get that time back with them.

I do wonder if, in your own mind, your mothering of him is replacing your mothering of your own children.

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 08:27

So you have no DC with this man yet you treat him as a child? He has no redeeming qualities at all. LTB.

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 08:29

Kidnapped - yes, everything you said.

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 08:31

OP, why have you moved away from your children? Is that why you now have a 2 hour commute because you've moved away from where you originally lived? Leave you useless good for nothing OH, move to where your children are and spend your energy on THEM, not a selfish man child.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 31/12/2016 09:01

Re your comment " I can't make anyone happy"
Of course you can't..your not supposed to. Nor can you make them grumpy and bad tempered. Adults are responsible for their own emotions.
You are a classic "rescuer" and whilst you complain about DH not looking after himself.....do you do it? How much time do you spend on your own health or pursuing your own happiness?
In a single day, or week, work it out, Don't include the phrase " doing this for others makes me happy" in your calculations..because that's actually a lie, (you might like doing certain types of job..and you might like seeing someone happy, but doing the job doesn't make the happiness)
I think you are in need of a big dose of TLC, from yourself.
Your husband, as others have said, will be happy when he allows himself to be, not ever at your behest. He has his own problems. Set him a better example of self care and detach from his projected neediness.

Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 02/01/2017 03:22

Last night of our mini break. This is what happens when I don't "look after" DP. Good

Day 1. Inhaler drama
Day2. He Left the cottage without his coat or sensible walking shoes. We got to the beach but obviously didn't go on planned walk.
Day3. Leaves cottage without spare battery for vape stick ( don't get me started on that thing either). Have to cut our day short and go back for it.
Brings his camara on holiday . No memory card. So no photos other than phone snaps.

I clearly have some work to do but as I've managed to potty train and raise two responsible children there is hope I can retrain DH.

OP posts:
ScarletForYa · 02/01/2017 03:25

there is hope I can retrain DH

You can't, he's being strategically incompetent and you're enabling him. Good luck.

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2017 05:47

cant make anyone happy no matter how hard I try No you can't, but that is because of who THEY are, not who YOU are.

You are being taken advantage of by many.
Do you think you enjoy "looking after" your dh. because it fills the hole that your children living with their dad creates?

You cannot retrain him. To be honest, with your last post, it is almost like he purposely "forgets" his stuff to ruin your plans!

He is an alcoholic child. You will never stop running after him while you are with him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2017 06:31

Retrain an adult. WTF. You don't like him so you intend to train him to be a different person. Boggles. Well, if you must play God, take tips from him. He's done a beautiful job of training you.

NeighTrumpSnort · 02/01/2017 06:59

Sorry to be blunt OP but after reading the thread and all the advice...you then say you can retrain him.

Well ...deep down then I actually think you like it. You need to be needed and in charge. Therefore don't stop doing everything as it gives your life purpose.

If you don't like it and genuinely want things to change then it's you who has to change. He is the same person from when you first met him - yes bloody useless BUT you shouldn't have married him if you wanted to change him.

So change yourself. Stop being a doormat. Stop doing stuff for him.

Re-evaluate your life and what you actually want but don't be a complete mug

ovenchips · 02/01/2017 07:19

You're very entrenched in your role of rescuing and enabling.

Your most recent post referring to potty training your children being good experience for retraining your husband is very clear evidence of this.

So many posters have asked you to look at yourself and how you facilitate your husband's behaviour. He acts like a child, you respond like a parent. But you are both in the wrong role in an adult relationship.

The only way for things to change is for you to step out of your parent role, which stops making it possible for your husband to always be the child.

I don't get any sense from your posts that you want to act differently. You seem to want to carry on doing what you always do, but for your husband to act completely differently. Can you not see that that is an impossible scenario?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 02/01/2017 07:33

He will never change. Even if you stop babying him, his family never will. Get out and go not even coming super having children with him!

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 02/01/2017 07:34

Coming super

Consider.

ChasedByBees · 02/01/2017 07:43

there is hope I can retrain DH

Goodness me. No. No there isn't. He's not a dog. He is an adult choosing not to look after himself because he can rely on you to pick up the slack and take responsibility for him. As runrabbit says, he's trained you well.

RubyGoat · 02/01/2017 07:54

You said it in the title of the thread - His inhaler. His responsibility. Except that's not what happens, as you seem to be determined to carry on picking up after him & enabling him. I mean this kindly, but you really need to examine why (for your own peace of mind / long-term mental health).

FWIW, I have moderately severe asthma - I'm on 5 lots of medication to control it. Plus I have a neurological condition which leaves me in severe chronic pain, unable to communicate effectively, & partially paralysed if I don't take my meds. The preventative meds cause me short-term memory loss. Automatic repeat prescriptions are a wonderful thing...

Chippednailvarnishing · 02/01/2017 08:09

So you're a doormat.

Lucky you.

ConvincingLiar · 02/01/2017 08:20

There's no incentive for him to improve his behaviour or organisation, because you're picking up the slack.

BellonaBelladonna · 02/01/2017 08:34

In a kind way, OP I think you need counselling. I think this would help you to see that the way you and dp behave is not healthy.

You sound like a big part of your self esteem comes from being someone's helper.

He sounds like a knob but you sound like you need to get out and have some time on your own working out what you want and need in life and who deserves your time. And energy. for most of us it's their dc.

Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 02/01/2017 08:37

I don't want to keep chasing after him. I don't want to change him .

But as my last post implied. If I don't stayon top of his responsibilities as well as my own then I sufferror too.

I'm not a door mat but I am efficient so fell into the trap and doing good stuff for him and now he relies on me to much.

I need him to change his behaviour. As a person he's actually one of the best. Judt hopeless with responsibilities .

There is very little / nothing at all you have all said that I don't disagree with. But if I can't help him changer what are my options? I don't want to leave him.

OP posts:
BellonaBelladonna · 02/01/2017 08:40

You cannot change people. I think you need to accept that in your decisions.

NeighTrumpSnort · 02/01/2017 08:40

Then carry on as before and do it all graciously without moaning on here and being a martyr about it

AyeAmarok · 02/01/2017 08:45

Well, you're obviously enjoying this weird dynamic you have in some sort of weird way.

LIZS · 02/01/2017 08:51

You still want to retrain him Shock wtf ! Has it occurred to you that he is being deliberately inept as it gives him an excuse to blame you and treat you badly. He is enjoying your misery and controlling you. It is called emotional abuse? You have plenty else going on in your life without taking on another child.

RubyGoat · 02/01/2017 08:52

Then don't leave, stay with him. How do you think you'll feel in 20 years, 40 even, when your relationship with him, your DCs has continued along its current course. Something to consider.

piranharama · 02/01/2017 08:52

Stop moaning then...