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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit territorial?

108 replies

whyistherenoavocadoemoji · 30/12/2016 13:16

DH is Swedish and MIL, FIL and SIL are staying with us for 5 days to meet our DD who is 3 weeks old.

DH is very excited about his family meeting the baby which is lovely to see, but since arriving I feel like his family have monopolised the baby and it's making me feel a bit territorial.

For example, DH took his family out for a walk and while they were out I put DD down in her Moses basket. When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her. AIBU to feel like she should have at least asked?

I am also EBF and the baby often needs feeding every couple of hours but when she cries the MIL or SIL won't hand her back to me until I have to get quite insistent, which makes it a bit awkward.

I don't want to make a scene and I wanted their stay to be nice for DH sake as I know that it is their first grandchild, but I can't stand hearing her cry somewhere in the house and not know why.

Am I being overly sensitive? Quite possible as I am ill and sleep deprived!

OP posts:
SparkleShinyGlitter · 30/12/2016 13:19

Maybe she should have asked but they are only here for 5 days and I'm guessing they won't be visiting for a while once they go home to Sweden it's not like they will be popping in each week. So to relax for 5 days really wouldn't hurt

Cheaploopaper · 30/12/2016 13:19

I can't believe she just took your newborn into her BED with her without asking you, or at all!
YADNBU!!

yellowfrog · 30/12/2016 13:20

Sod that for a game of soldiers! Ask DH to remind them that DD is a human being with needs, not a toy! Also, start carrying her round with you all the time so they can't just waltz off with her.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/12/2016 13:22

I'd have been very put out and pissed off if any relative did that.

Tell dh what you've written here.

Spam88 · 30/12/2016 13:23

Taking her to bed for a nap I would absolutely not be tolerating.

ollieplimsoles · 30/12/2016 13:25

When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her.

"dd was napping in her basket, I dont want anyone moving her like that when I have just got her to sleep, please don't do it again."

when she cries the MIL or SIL won't hand her back to me until I have to get quite insistent, which makes it a bit awkward

"she wants her mummy now"
Then take her back, no other explanation necessary.

Imo 3 weeks I too early for house guests, I would have waited til 6 or 8 weeks but they are here now so thats that.

Take some time to take your baby away alone upstairs and close the door for a while every day while dh entertains them.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 30/12/2016 13:28

Set boundaries now or it will get worse. Your DH needs to have a word.

MaisieDotes · 30/12/2016 13:29

No, you're not being overly sensitive. MIL took your baby up to bed with her, wtf.

And they won't give her to you when she cries? God, how stressful.

Maybe just keep her in a sling until they've gone. Say you need to build up your supply cause she's due a growth spurt or something.

SmellySphinx · 30/12/2016 13:29

Ha! Erm no I would not tolerate nor expect this behaviour from anyone even close family. Who takes a 3 week old out of their bed to take them for a nap upstairs?! Only the mother or the father if they were feeding them a bottle, taking them for a cuddle or to give Mum a break. If it carrys on I'd be suggesting they stay in a bloody hotel and come over in the day or go on days out together with you all as a family.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 13:30

I've endured something similar and it can drive you to fantasise about murder, or at the least just yell at them to fuck off. However it's five days, I'd probably just suck it up to be fair, but I would say no naps with baby,

Original poster
whyistherenoavocadoemoji · 30/12/2016 13:32

Ollieplimsoles thank you - I am going to say that. I am usually a very feisty person but I know it's important to DH that his family also get to spend time with DD (my own family live in the same village as us) and I wasn't sure whether I was BU.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 30/12/2016 13:34

Good one op, right now you should be focusing on breastfeeding establishment and your own bond with dd.

How did this visit come about, did you agree to 3 weeks after the birth in advance or was it something they came up with with dh?

PrettyDarnQuick · 30/12/2016 13:36

YANBU. Hugs.

Rubberubberduckduck · 30/12/2016 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 30/12/2016 13:37

When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her.

Really this is totally unacceptable. Why didn't you follow her up and take her back?

I think you need to establish much firmer boundaries and DH needs to have your back...............Flowers

lorelairoryemily · 30/12/2016 13:45

YDNBU!! When my ds was just a few weeks old we called to see mil and fil, mil was holding ds which was fine but he started to cry and she got up and walked around with him, I repeatedly said here I'll take him and she said oh no I'm fine, when we left I said it to Dh and it never ever happened again. It's horrible when they take over and it's so hard to hear your baby cry and not be able to comfort them. Next time I'd just say oh no mil baby is happy in her basket, we dont co sleep(even if you do) please don't disturb her. And when she cries just get up and say oh she needs her mummy now. Poor you op, 5 days can feel very long

Laiste · 30/12/2016 13:49

When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?! ShockShockAngry

The thing to do is say - ''er MIL what are you doing with [baby]? Please leave her where she is when i have settled her.''

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2016 13:51

Totally unacceptable for your mil to take off to nap in her bed. That's really OTT. Don't let them! And if they won't give her back, just take her, don't ask. Babies cry for a reason, yours will be feeding on demand currently.

toptoe · 30/12/2016 13:54

You have to be very straight with people who ignore normal social boundaries.

Your baby needs feeding, be insistent straight away as soon as you notice her beginning to look for food. Say 'She is ready for a feed, I am going to fee her now.'

If she is in her moses basket say 'She is having a nap here and she is not to be disturbed.'

If someone tries to co-sleep with her say 'No one co-sleeps with her' and take the baby back.

You have to lay down the boundaries and make it crystal clear all the time and pray they don't visit again soon whilst the baby is young. Or rather, explain to your dh you didn't enjoy it so they can stay at a hotel next time. Be very clear.

Hellochicken · 30/12/2016 13:56

YANBU to feel like this. I would ask DH to intervene - to stop them and ask you if it is ok when they do this in future.

However I would have loved someone to carry round my baby at 3 weeks old and give my arms a bit of a break. I think my relatives think a baby not in someones arms is free for picking up etc

MillyDLA · 30/12/2016 13:56

Just be careful that this thread doesn't turn into an anti 'in laws' thread. I agree about the sleeping baby, MIL shouldn't be taking the baby to bed, however this may need talking through, perhaps culturally this is acceptable in Sweden? I also think the comments about how soon the in laws are visiting are very harsh. The OP family live in the same village and will have spent time with their new grandchild, why is it so different for the husbands family? This is about building open relationships and being grown up in establishing boundaries and shared ground for this new family. This should be a delightful and joyous time for all involved. I am the parent and step parent to a large family of boys, please consider that this new grandchild is as precious to your husbands family as it is to yours. Keep talking, build routines and expectations together; take advantage of the extra family in the house and enjoy just a little time for you. Good luck in enjoying your new family.

LockedOutOfMN · 30/12/2016 13:59

You're not being unreasonable, however, they're only here for 5 days and are no doubt very excited and want to have maximum cuddles before they leave. Personally, I'd be happier to see relatives going over the top rather than not giving a shit. They sound very loving people and overall I think that's good for the children (I do realise this is a generalisation!)

However, do be firm about them handing her back straightaway for a feed.

SunshineInTheRain · 30/12/2016 14:01

It's dangerous to co sleep with someone else baby. The unicef safe bed sharing guideline say it's for breastfeeding mothers. I would be renforcing that straight away.

Fluffyears · 30/12/2016 14:01

'Give me MY child back this instant or leave my home a do not return!' That is what you should be saying!

preciouspig · 30/12/2016 14:03

Is it a cultural thing? My MIL isnt british and she would come and take my newborn out of bed in the middle of the night and take him in bed with her.

Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and wondering where your 2 week old child is! Drove me insane but it was the norm where she's from I think

Set boundaries or it will only get worse!

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