AIBU to feel a bit territorial?

[whyistherenoavocadoemoji]

DH is Swedish and MIL, FIL and SIL are staying with us for 5 days to meet our DD who is 3 weeks old.

DH is very excited about his family meeting the baby which is lovely to see, but since arriving I feel like his family have monopolised the baby and it's making me feel a bit territorial.

For example, DH took his family out for a walk and while they were out I put DD down in her Moses basket. When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her. AIBU to feel like she should have at least asked?

I am also EBF and the baby often needs feeding every couple of hours but when she cries the MIL or SIL won't hand her back to me until I have to get quite insistent, which makes it a bit awkward.

I don't want to make a scene and I wanted their stay to be nice for DH sake as I know that it is their first grandchild, but I can't stand hearing her cry somewhere in the house and not know why.

Am I being overly sensitive? Quite possible as I am ill and sleep deprived!

Your reaction is completely normal. Just take her back, settle in bed / on sofa and get DH to fend off his relatives. You've just had a baby and Bf so your hormones will be screaming when baby is taken away and starts crying. with my second I got a lot better at just taking baby back and hiding out in my room for privacy and to get a break from in laws - has to be done sometime. Get husband to bring you drinks and food and only socialise when you want.

Gosh did you not say anything when mil took DD? Being overzealous with their attention towards your DD is understandable but there are limits as to what is tolerable. My mil would be like this but she's smart enough to know it's not acceptable so she doesn't actually do it.

YABU. Already it's unfair they had to wait 3 weeks to meet the baby whilst your own family had time with him from the start. 5 days is a short time. Maybe they are trying to help trying to settle baby rather then hand him over at the first noise he makes? Taking him into bed if your not happy about it just say it, everything else you are being over sensitive. I have boys and I really hope they don't marry a English/British woman if what I read on here is the norm.

I have boys and I really hope they don't marry a English/British woman if what I read on here is the norm.

Oh give over, what you read on here isn't the norm , it's the internet and full of bollocks.

I totally am not MIL-bashing - MIL is generally great and we have a really good relationship. I'm just not comfortable with their insistence at taking the baby from me all the time, especially when I can't see her to see whether she's hungry etc.

Their trip was planned months ago - I allowed it as it was lovely to see how excited they were about the baby. As a PP said - it's nice that they want to be so involved and I am conscious they may feel left out given how close my family live.

I am going to put my foot down though. We are going for a walk this afternoon and I am going to put the sling on before anyone can get to her.

When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her

I am very relaxed with my DD (the day we came home from hospital, we visited my family, 5 people, and DPs family, 4 more people, and we left her with my parents on day 3 to get round the supermarket in peace and Christmas was like pass the parcel ) but that would have me spitting nails. It's considered very unsafe for anyone but a mother to bedshare, and the fact that she didn't ask?! I know it's difficult and you don't want to rock the boat but you really will have to say something - your baby crying because she's hungry is cruel to both of you.

They are probably super-excited to have a new grandchild, and they've had wait three weeks to see her while your family have been able see her right from the start. It's only for five days.

I think most mums are very possessive and territorial over newborns and that's understandable, especially after only three weeks, but some of the reactions here are incredibly extreme. I think your DH needs to have a word with his mum about taking the baby up to bed with her, but the 'monopolising' doesn't sound like anything more than excited, adoring family wanting to see as much of their grandchild/niece while they can. Realistically, they're not going to have much time with her as they live in Sweden, so I think it's pretty normal that for the few days they get to see they're going to want lots of bonding time. It's only for five days; I think that apart from the taking her out of her Moses basket thing, you just need to be a little bit more understanding if you can.

YANBU.
Listen to your mum instinct, it's very strong and completely right.
No one should co-sleep with a newborn other than the parents (it's dangerous even for siblings to do so).

They can see her when she is your arms too, it's not like she is hidden away?
My babies have always been happier to interact with other people safely cuddled up in my or DH's arms.

Whyis well done for including all of your family. You sound very positive about your relationship. I have found that in bringing families together, both as a Mil and as a step parent that understanding and talking as well as being aware of each other's boundaries is essential. I have realised that as families come together expectations are just different, not necessarily wrong. It takes time to learn from each other, time to adapt and time for some compromise. My new grandson is delightful but we are all learning how to share, how to adapt, how to support each other. It can be tricky but it is the most rewarding experience too.
You sound lovely, you want to include everyone and are able to be open and honest about your needs. A great start. Enjoy your family time, it is very early days for you so take care of yourself and your lovely husband too.

I would maybe let them carry your DD on the walk. Disturbing her when settled, taking her up to bed or not giving her to you when she is hungry are pretty outrageous, so get your DH to say something and not to present it just as 'whyis says...'.

I think it will reinforce your point if you are not too territorial when it isn,t needed though, walk sounds like a time they could carry her.

In an ideal world you'd be given as much room and time to be territorial as you need, but them living abroad makes it harder. However, if at any point you think it could be really too much for you and be something you don't bounce back from when they have gone, insist on some quiet time just you and your dd. You could do that for a few hours every day as a pp suggested, then you might feel better when you come back down to let them hold,her.

I am also EBF and the baby often needs feeding every couple of hours but when she cries the MIL or SIL won't hand her back to me until I have to get quite insistent, which makes it a bit awkward.

This is really bad form - if your DD is crying heavily by the time you finally get her back, it's going to make it harder for her to latch well and feed comfortably. Explain this to them and get DH to back you up.

Forgive the stupid question but is the taking the baby in her bed a cultural thing? My SIL's in laws are Scandinavian and they ridicule her for not leaving the baby to sleep outside in her pram, which is common there. Her DH had to explain to them that it isn't the norm in the UK.

Like others have said, I know it's hard but it's 5 days and they will feel like they miss out being in another country. Deep breaths and take the baby to your room for a break.

YANBU at all! I cannot stand people who think their desire to hold a baby is more important than the baby's need to be fed or to sleep.

I know it must be really difficult, OP, but I would definitely either confront them directly or ask your DH to do so. Your DD is so little and it's really not okay for someone to be keeping her from you when she needs to feed. And as for taking her into bed, I believe the guidelines are that only a mum who is BF should bed share with a very young baby so your MIL shouldn't be putting your DD at risk like that.

Hope things improve for you soon.

Careful you do not offend. Don't be precious and ruin things during this very short period of time.

It's for 5 days.

Then you can have as much time as you like. You have all the power and the majority of the time. Be generous.

I had a very similar situation. I enjoyed the pleasure people got from the baby it felt like spreading the love.

No don't be precious - be absolutely firm. This is your baby, she is newborn and she should not be separated from you. She needs access to the breast 24/7 for ebf. They can hold her for 20 minutes while you have a shower - on your terms or not at all.

Are people really this aggressive with family?

5 days. They are in love with their grandchild. They will not see much of her. They are leaving soon. Why would you choose to have a row with people who are leaving soon? I'm baffled.

I wouldn't give a shiny shit what other people thought. Your in laws are being far too precious if they think that they somehow are superior in comforting your baby or if they think they have the right to do with her as they please.

You have given birth to a human being, not a cuddly toy. I would be worried about your postnatal mental health if you were happy to just ignore her and let her go off with them.

This tiny human being has very limited ways of communicating to you and crying from hunger is often after other signals have been missed or ignored. Your baby crying means they need you, for comfort, for food, for anything. Not in laws.

What on earth did you do when MIL took your baby into bed? I would have taken back my baby so quickly and not have been very nice about it either. It's not on.

I have a good relationship with my in laws and see them regularly and now that my DS is a toddler and less dependant on me then he has built up a wonderful relationship with his wider family but a newborn has few needs ana many of them only met by mother or father.

I don't see what's aggressive in asking that a hungry BF baby is given back to her mum promptly when she needs feeding, or what's aggressive about asking relatives not to put a baby in danger by bed sharing unsafely?

I personally kicked my mil out when she tried to bedshare with my then 1 year old dsd. (Dsd preferred to sleep in her own bed in my and dh's room, & mil took her out in the middle of the night without any of us knowing. When dsd woke up she was hysterical and that prompted some pretty fierce reactions from me). I always think it's unacceptable for non-parents to do anything to the baby and for the baby unasked. They aren't parents & need to learn that pronto.

bitofacow The only aggressive behaviour I can see is a MIL taking a baby into her bed without asking or being given permission and a family insisting that their needs for a cuddle are more important that a tiny newborns need for food.

YANBU, I would not be happy at all about this! It's lovely that they care and want to be involved, but they should not be posing a barrier between a new born and their mother, especially when breastfeeding. I know it can be awkward with family but put in place polite but firm boundaries, e.g. like other people have said, when you want her back just say "time to come to mummy now" and take her (don't ask, just do it).

YANBU! YOUR baby. YOUR rules. Putting her into a bed without talking to you? Keeping her from you when it's tome to BF?! I'm glad they're so enamored of her and trying to spend whatever time they can with her, but there's certain limits you don't push.

Thank goodness it's only five days.

I always felt twitchy about anyone other than DH or DM holding the baby for more than 5 mins when my children were newborns, especially with the first one, so I can understand how you are feeling OP.

However, as pps have pointed out, your in-laws are only over for 5 days, so they are wanting to fit as many newborn cuddles in as they can. After this visit it may be months before they see your DD again, and whilst they may well see her on Skype they will be missing out on all that lovely soft baby skin, fuzzy little head and gorgeous baby smell

Your MIL was out of order to take your DD up to bed with her, and I can understand you getting fed up when they don't hand her over as soon as she cries, but they aren't doing this with the intention of annoying you - they're just enthusiastic about the new arrival in the family.

They are your DD's family just as much as your own parents are, but will never have the close bond with her that your family will have because of the geographical distance. They are going to miss out on so many milestones in your DD's life, so don't spoil the precious time they have with her (and you and your DH) - just politely make it clear that DD should not be taken into bed for naps, and allow them as many cuddles as they want. Five days pass very quickly, and then she'll be all yours again