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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit territorial?

108 replies

whyistherenoavocadoemoji · 30/12/2016 13:16

DH is Swedish and MIL, FIL and SIL are staying with us for 5 days to meet our DD who is 3 weeks old.

DH is very excited about his family meeting the baby which is lovely to see, but since arriving I feel like his family have monopolised the baby and it's making me feel a bit territorial.

For example, DH took his family out for a walk and while they were out I put DD down in her Moses basket. When MIL came in she immediately took DD out of the basket and took her upstairs for a nap in bed with her. AIBU to feel like she should have at least asked?

I am also EBF and the baby often needs feeding every couple of hours but when she cries the MIL or SIL won't hand her back to me until I have to get quite insistent, which makes it a bit awkward.

I don't want to make a scene and I wanted their stay to be nice for DH sake as I know that it is their first grandchild, but I can't stand hearing her cry somewhere in the house and not know why.

Am I being overly sensitive? Quite possible as I am ill and sleep deprived!

OP posts:
nanny3 · 30/12/2016 21:26

could be a swedish thing ?

FinnegansCake · 30/12/2016 21:39

What BitofaCow said.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 30/12/2016 21:45

I haven't RTFT but your DH needs to do the work here, you just gave birth, you shouldn't have to be dealing with the lack of boundaries from his family.

I'd tell your DH that when they take the baby it is his job to bring the baby back to you when he thinks she needs to be with you. You will not be chasing them around, he needs to listen to his child's cries and decide if it's time to get baby back to you.

When my MIL was becoming a problem, I realised I was creating a war that wasn't mine to fight and that it meant I was also infantilising my partner. He is the parent too, he needs to balance the needs of his family and his child.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 21:45

YANBU. People should not be grabby with new babies. There is no way I'd pick one up and take it to bed!

LovelyBranches · 30/12/2016 23:33

I wonder what the reaction would be if someone posted here that they were really hungry, about to tuck into a nice meal and were cuddled by a relative who wouldn't let go despite your obvious signals that you wanted your food instead of a cuddle?

Or if a relative that you weren't very well acquainted with but were close to in terms of family tree, jumped into bed with you?

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 02:23

LovelyBranches: Babies and adults aren't the same. Babies don't have personal boundaries like older children and adults do. In this case the MIL's behaviour crosses the OP's boundaries but the baby was more than likely perfectly happy.

LovelyBranches · 31/12/2016 06:45

trifleburst, babies do have boundaries though. They are very vocal in expressing likes and dislikes and if they are crying then there's a number of reasons why that may be. Most of those things can be helped by the mother breastfeeding, not by being jiggled about by a newly introduced family member.

Don't get me wrong if I am offered the chance to cuddle a newborn I jump at it but consoling a crying hungry newborn is done best by the mother.

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 08:38

LovelyBranches: That isn't babies having boundaries. Obviously if the baby needs feeding or comfort then the mother is the first port of call, but most babies have no issue with being held by other people. My own newborn spent most of yesterday being cuddled by her aunties - apart from not being able to feed her, cuddling, comforting, winding and changing her was a job they had well in hand. It was a welcome break for me and the baby didn't mind in the slightest.

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 08:48

Trifle - "most babies"? Bit of a generalisation there. Just because your baby didn't appear to mind, doesn't mean the majority of the babies on the planet are the same.

LovelyBranches · 31/12/2016 08:49

Trifle, read my posts. I'm not arguing that a baby shouldn't be held or loved by other people but if the baby is crying and in need of food then the baby should be handed back to the mother pronto. You wouldn't cuddle a hungry adult who was about to tuck into their dinner just because you fancied a hug.

Plus breastfed babies found it harder to latch if they are distressed. Our family has learnt very quickly to pass back my DS when he starts tapping on your chest, he makes it more than obvious what he wants and if you ignore that then he gets very upset.

Marzipanmodelling · 31/12/2016 08:51

Even 5 days is a long time with a newborn. I had something similar with my mil and her family with DS1 and I regret not standing up to them more. I was breastfeeding and the more I held my child the more I was told I was 'spoiling' him but it was fine for him to passed round 8 strangers!
Just ensure you get plenty of time for you to bond now as a family and keep visitors at bay for a little while Smile

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 08:56

LovelyBranches: And I have already agreed with that. My point is that newborns don't have the same personal boundaries as adults. Read the post to which I was responding.

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 08:59

coconutpie: Believe it or not, my newborn isn't the first baby I have met. Obviously I can't comment on every baby, but I have known enough to make a general comment. You can choose to disagree with it if you wish.

SaltaKatten · 31/12/2016 08:59

I'm Swedish and it's not a Swedish thing. If anything babies usually take naps outside in their proms or in a cot. I'd never heard of a Moses basket until I moved here. Breastfeeding is the common method of feeding and is seen as a important so perhaps point out to them that their actions have a negative impact on feeding the baby.

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 09:01

LovelyBranches: which was, of course, your own post! You cannot compare an adult jumping into bed with another adult with someone cuddling a baby in bed. The baby is very unlikely to mind. The adult almost certainly will. I still don't think the MIL should have done this, but this is because she was crossing the mum's boundaries, not the baby's.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 31/12/2016 09:03

I get where you're coming from trifle, but it doesn't sound like the baby was "more than likely perfectly happy" as you describe. The OP actually says that her relatives didn't bring her DD back when she needed feeding:
"I am also EBF and the baby often needs feeding every couple of hours but when she cries the MIL or SIL won't hand her back to me"

That sounds to me like the baby communicated her needs and the relatives chose to ignore them. It's not okay to do that to an adult and it's not okay to do it to a baby.,

LovelyBranches · 31/12/2016 09:08

Trifle. Just for clarity. I'm all for cuddling a newborn who isn't crying and seems contented. In bed, nope. Not by anyone except parents.

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 09:12

LovelyBranches: I agree with you, but that's because I would feel like my MIL was appropriating my baby and usurping my job as her mum, not because I think my 3 week old would be bothered. She would probably be delighted!

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 09:13

KnitsBakesAndReads: Of course that's not okay. I haven't disputed that.

ErnesttheBavarian · 31/12/2016 09:18

Fluffyears: 'Give me MY child back this instant or leave my home a do not return!' That is what you should be saying!

Really? You would really talk to someone like that? Really?

That's just so unnecessarily aggressive and rude. OP has an otherwise good relationship with them, they are only there for 5 days, next time they see the baby she will have grown and changed a lot.

OP, I would take advantage as much as possible of the extra hands and get plenty of rest - that way the in laws can spend time with the baby, you can rest without feeling irritated. Give dh clear instructions to bring the baby to you when she needs it, and try and relax, as hard as it is - it's only for 3 more days, right? Explain to dh how you want it to work and get him on board with helping out.

andpropersteel · 31/12/2016 09:50

No advice really but my DP's mum was holding my 5 day old bragging about how great it was that she'd "had him hold out for longer" for his milk (he'd been hungry and she didn't tell me, just rocked him to sleep). He woke up and started crying to be breastfed and she attempted to rock him back to sleep again!

I had to literally prise him away. This still happens (I don't see the obsession with her wanting to make him wait for breastfeeds and monopolising an unhappy baby) but luckily she lives 300 miles away Smile

You have my sympathies but no advice really.

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 10:22

andpropersteel: Yes, that confuses me as well - not helpful for your baby to spend more time hungry. Hmm

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 10:38

andpropersteel - so your MIL is happy that her newborn GC was hungry and wanted him to stay hungry for even longer? What a nasty piece of work Angry - who wants to keep a baby hungry? Evil cow.

Bitofacow · 31/12/2016 11:17

We really need to keep a bit calmer.

She is not an 'Evil cow' she is working with old fashioned information. Yes she should find out about more recent child rearing practices, but she is not 'evil'.

If in 30 years time they are recommending 4 hourly feeds again, all this advice will look like nonsense.

CaraAspen · 31/12/2016 12:24

"coconutpie

andpropersteel - so your MIL is happy that her newborn GC was hungry and wanted him to stay hungry for even longer? What a nasty piece of work angry - who wants to keep a baby hungry? Evil cow."

You need to take a deep breath. Talk about an unpleasant overreaction.

rolls eyes

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