More Christmas in-law dilemmas: violent nephew causes Christmas stress

[NewbyNew]

Merry Christmas, Mumsnetters. I hope you can help me with this one.

My DH and I have no children, but we are very close to my two nieces, aged 9 and 11. For the last 5 years, we have held a pre-Christmas Day at our house for my parents, my brother and my two lovely nieces. We make turkey, open presents, and generally have a fun time. The following day, we spend with my in-laws. For many years, we used to visit my MIL and FIL on Christmas Day, but since being widowed, my MIL now goes to my BIL for the Christmas period. The problem is my 5 year old nephew. He is rude and violent. The last times we saw him, he kicked and hit our dog, so we no longer invite them to our house. He has been routinely excluded from nursery. My DH has a difficult relationship with his brother which, he says, he is only maintaining for the sake of his widowed mother.

On Christmas Day, we drive 3 hours to my BIL, spend 3 hours with my BIL SIL, nephew and MIL, and then drive 3 hours home. Their house is too small for us to stay over. My SIL is lovely and spends hours cooking a Christmas lunch for everyone. Over the last two Christmases, my nephew's behaviour has got worse. This Christmas, he threw a book at me and kicked me - that hurt! He also likes shouting at me and sticking his tongue out at me. His parents say "Oh don't do that again", which he ignores. He routinely thumps his mother and pulls her hair. My BIL will not admit there is anything wrong with his behaviour.

My dilemma is this - should I continue making the three hour trek with DH? I expect him to cater for my family at Christmas and we generally see much more of my family, as they live locally. Or should we both apologise and say that the 6 hour round trip on Christmas Day is too long, and that we will do it every other year from now on? Would my MIL get upset?

Your suggestions are very, very welcome. I'm very aware that, not having children ourselves, we may be having unreasonable expectations.

He kicks his dog if it is in the way

Poor dog, I agree with Francis it sounds like the dog would be better of being rehomed.

Assuming he has some sort of issue (which seems likely) then Xmas day will probably be pretty much the most difficult day of the year for him. I got my arse handed to me on a plate on Boxing Day by my son & was only surprised he'd managed to hold it together long enough not to belt me on Xmas day (he's been a delight the last couple of days, despite being annoyed by people not taking down their Xmas trees. With Xmas ticked off anxiety has dropped.

So I would suggest changing the day you see him and mil etc over Xmas. Suggest changing and having another special day (Boxing Day or the 27th maybe?) Could you stay in a hotel & have a couple of shorter visits plus a break inbetween?

Ah didn't see your update. Wise to move the time of year. Xmas is an incredibly difficult day for those with needs (& TBH your further description of him just make it sound even more likely that there's some sort of issue).

100% agree with Frances about their poor dog.
Saoirse, you sound rather cool about their dog, but please remember that animal abusers soon turn their attention to human beings. In fact, it sounds as if this child needs some heavy duty intervention a sap.

Behaviour with animals is asked about in most assesments at Camhs - it's even included in some of the question sets for ADHD and ASD.

Cat is it really? Both my children have asd and we weren't asked about animals.

Two of my DC are on the spectrum. One is 6 the other is 4. Regardless of eiher sen they are still told off. To be honest our nursery were outstanding and they said as my youngest pulled her trousers off to go to the loo that if it happened again she wouldn't be able to attend. Some places just aren't meant for kids with issues Sen or not. In my experience a lot of schools and nurseries just aren't equipped. There's often young people in nurseries who don't have the experience.

From what you've said about the parents they sound useless. Regardless of issues he should still be disciplined. My four year old is non verbal with limited understanding but still gets told off.

Could you pick another day? Or like pp suggested get him out for a walk.

Yes DS1 was assessed for ASD and it was specifically asked. And when we've been at CAMHS in question sets regarding ADHD and anxiety.

As for your sweeping generalisation that children with SN need more reinforcement not less, again that simply isnt always appropriate and sometimes the ONLY way is to pre empt the behaviour happening in the first place by managimg triggers, and possibly to the unfamiliar eye, appearing to capitulate.

I didn't say it was always appropriate. I said some behaviour could be ignored. But yes it is always appropriate when other people are in the firing line. Don't worry I've had 16 years of pre-empting behaviour and trying to stay one step ahead, but there are some rules you have to stick to and be consistent from the start, for everybody's sake.