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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a stranger referred to as my daughter grandad

33 replies

Christinedonna · 28/12/2016 11:39

It's not funny that this has happened as I was only talking about it the other day!
"Imagine if my dads new gf was reffered to as nan! That wouldn't be okay would it"
So we're at DDs dads family do for Christmas and his nans holding DD, looking around the room with her saying "this is your teddy" "this is your uncle" "there's your grandad"!!!!!!! About her new boyfriend that she's been with for a month or so.. That I've only met TWICE (once for a minute). I wasn't in the room so didn't know about it until the car journey home when DDs dad told me. But the worst part is he didn't correct her for saying it? I said "omg! You obviously told her no didn't you" he said "no that's awkward I'm not gunna pull her up infront of everyone". I'm not having my daughter be taught to call strangers grandad. Aibu to not only be annoyed that his nan thought it was okay to say that..but for stupid ex to not correct her?!

OP posts:

elvis86 · 28/12/2016 11:43

Silly thing to say, but I agree with your DH it would have been disproportionate to pull her up in front of everyone. It's not like she harmed your daughter.

Quiet word later is all that's needed.

How old is your daughter? Sounds like you're talking about a baby, in which case she wouldn't even have known what her grandma said so there's no impact on her whatsoever and you're being a bit over-zealous.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/12/2016 11:44

I think your ex did what he thought was right. I don't think I'd say anything, either. As I'd feel awkward. He was probably fearful of causing a row or embarrassing the man. Its not always the time nor the place to speak your mind.

SunshineGirl2016 · 28/12/2016 11:46

We have something similar in our family where DHs parents are divorced and FILs wife refers to herself as "Grandma". It's nonsense obviously. I let it slide and don't let it bother me. When DS sees his family tree when he's older then he'll know who is true grandparents are. I will never refer to her as Grandma, just by her name. DS will be brought up knowing who is actual relatives are. As his mum it's up to me to make sure he knows what's what. With regards to the "Grandma", if calling herself that makes her happy then so be it. Let's face it, that generation won't be around for that much longer so I have no issue temporarily appeasing them.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/12/2016 11:46

DD is only 4 months old so I agree she doesn't know now..but I just think if she said it once and no one pulled her up then she will think it's okay to say. I understand he felt awkward (not everyone is as outspoken as me) but even if he said "no I didn't want to embarrass her infront of everyone but I will talk to her about it" he doesn't think it needs correcting.

OP posts:

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 28/12/2016 11:50

I understand what you mean OP

But i agree that as annoying as it is yiur dh was right not to say anything at the time

When my dad remarried i was too old to have a stepmum and step siblings and she was always referred to by her name by the children (who also do this with their actual grandad on the other side of the family)

I did however have a granny wales who was the mother of my non related godfather....so as a child i didnt have too much of a problem

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/12/2016 11:52

I've just realised I don't even know his name!

OP posts:

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 28/12/2016 11:53

christine

Theimpossiblegirl · 28/12/2016 12:28

I think it would have been wrong to make a scene.
If he's going to be around for the long-term, an alternative title can be given, but it's early days.
DH's step-dad is Bampi, while my dad was always Grandad. Pops is another one you could use.

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 12:38

I think it would have been really OTT to make a scene about it, a baby doesn't know or care anyway. If he's around long term surely "uncle" is a fine term for him, even if he isn't blood related. Lots of people who aren't related refer to themselves as "aunties" or "uncles" as a generic term for not immediate family. Does the title really matter?

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 28/12/2016 12:38

Sunshine why is it "nonsense, obviously" that one's parent's partner/spouse might be known as grandma/pa?

My ds calls his paternal grandmother's partner grandpa, and I wouldn't be surprised if mine and dp's respective step-grandchildren do the same when the time comes.

Assuming there's no backstory, what's the problem?

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 28/12/2016 13:05

I think the main issue is that the relationship is only about a month old

SunshineGirl2016 · 28/12/2016 13:05

Backstory is that FIL ran off with MILs best friend so MIL is adamant she - the other woman - shouldn't be called Grandma...

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 28/12/2016 13:08

Oh and Let's face it, that generation won't be around for that much longer so I have no issue temporarily appeasing them. - that's just plain nasty.

Nquartz · 28/12/2016 13:13

My parents are divorced & have remarried, their new partners (my step parents) are referred to as grandma & grandad but they've been with my parents for 10+ years each, they are as much a part of DDs family & life as my actual parents & DHs parents. However, somt random fella who's been around for a couple of months & who's name you don't even know is hardly her grandad

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/12/2016 13:19

That's what annoys me. If they were married, had been together for years and I knew it was the real deal then I wouldn't mind. Marriage does make family, your uncles wife is your auntie I get it. But a month? I feel like she's trying to validate her relationship through my DD. She can do what she wants with who she wants, that's her business but don't bring my daughter into your relationship and confuse her (when she's older)

OP posts:

brasty · 28/12/2016 13:20

He is obviously not her grandad and others will have been taken aback as well, including probably, the man in question. But I would leave this. It is the kind of thing that will either sort itself out i.e. the man will say to her, I am not the GF. Or you can just see it as eccentricity, and even make jokes about it.

LaundryQueenHatesIroning · 28/12/2016 13:22

YANBU to not want him referred to as Grandad but I think your DP did the right thing by not making a scene at the time. Now he can tell her when she's on her own that going forward he is not Grandad (if they're still together then )

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 28/12/2016 13:30

My DSS call my nan (their step great grandmother) Nan, and have done since they have known her (17 years). They call my parents by their names. However, DSS1's 6yo son knows me as Nanna Gretchen, and DH (obviously) as Granddad. It's all about context, and if you have been in the family long enough to be considered a mainstay in their lives, in my opinion.

Mammylamb · 28/12/2016 13:35

Yanbu. My dads wife seems desperate to be called granny. But my dad has been married 4 times, and they seem to split us every second month. So, no, my son won't be calling her granny; he already has two wonderful grandmothers. But I don't have a problem with calling her "auntie" instead

TerriB84 · 28/12/2016 14:31

My mum had the same opinion as you and didn't want us calling my Nan's partner grandad as my biological grandad was still alive. We grew up just calling him by his name. I'm now 32 and the irony is we still just refer to him by his name even though in reality he was/is more of a grandad than my actual grandad IYSWIM.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 28/12/2016 18:21

Had an interesting one recently, where dsd's dm's dh's dd had a baby, and dsd took massive exception to her dm referring to herself as "nanny" (unlike the new mother, who is more than happy with the arrangement).

PeggyMitchell123 · 28/12/2016 18:27

I have not encouraged my son(3) to call my mum's husband grandad and she has been married to him for 5 years despite him being very good with my son.

I guess it because i did not grow up with him like we did my mum's second husband so he is very much mum's husband rather than a stepdad. Secondly I lost my dad to cancer as a girl and he would have adored my son. My son has a grandad, he is just not here.

I just don't feel comfortable with it, maybe it's wrong to feel like that but I can't help it. If my son turned around and asked to call him grandad then of course I would let him but it would be weird.

Not everyone is comfortable with grandparent's partners being called grandad/nan

CaptainCabinets · 29/12/2016 02:30

SunshineGirl perhaps you ought to rethink your username because you sound plain fucking horrid.

GilMartin · 29/12/2016 02:58

Bloody hell sunshine what's the problem?

I can't see why you consider it ridiculous. She's his grandfather's wife and a significant part of his life. In similar circumstances I've known spouses of grandparents to be known as Granddad or Nana.

What does he call the spouses of your brother or sister? Most people call them Uncle or Aunty even though they're no blood relation. Do you get as het up over that? Will you hammer it into him that Uncle Bob isn't actually a relative and you shouldn't call him Uncle?

On the joyous occasion when you sit your son and heir down and explain exactly who is and isn't in his glorious bloodline he really won't care.

What will matter is the bonds of affection he has built up with the people in his wider family circle. 'Are they nice to me' , 'are they fun to spend time with' not how much DNA they share.

My Nan was a violent and selfish woman who wouldn't have given any of her grandchildren the steam off her piss and I feel absolutely nothing for her, however my Aunty by marriage (divorced my mother's brother 20 odd years ago) has been a constant, positive presence in my life. Guess who I regard as close family?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 29/12/2016 02:59

Sunshine don't count on them snuffing it any time soon, in fact I really hope they live til your child is 40 and he calls her grandma the whole time. DH's stepmum was OW...23 years ago! And is referred to as Nanna Jane. I wouldn't dream of telling DD she isn't her 'real' nanna.seriously don't project family issues onto your kids it's awful

OP YANBU that is really odd and creepy! However I agree with your ex (or is it DH?) that correcting her in front of him and others would be very inappropriate, he needs to have a quiet word with his mum though .

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