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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wills and dsc

138 replies

RhiannonnDontGo · 27/12/2016 22:00

Dh and I have been discussing wills. Dh has a ds 15 and a dd 13. We have a ds together who is almost 2. We own a house which we have invested 50:50 into give or take. He wants to leave the house equally to all three. I want half to go to our
Ds and the other half to be shared between his ds and dd.
Who is right?

OP posts:
Turquoisetamborine · 28/12/2016 13:56

If one of you dies then it can all change and go against your wishes anyway.

My stepmother died at 52, when she was alive the will for her and my dad was his 50% split three ways between me and my two brothers from the marriage (I'm from his first marriage), and her 50% would only be divided between her two sons.

Dad remarried within 3 years to a woman who was on an equal financial footing to him and has no children of her own. They now own a house together plus dozens of rental properties. Her estate previously went to her two nephews but when they married they changed it to go three ways to me and my two brothers so we get a third each.

She is 7 yrs younger than dad and males in his family don't have a habit of living to an old age so he will probably go first and I have no idea what happens at that point.

cornflowerblu · 28/12/2016 14:01

I'm from a blended family I know that my dad and step mum's will is split equally between the 4 children in the family regardless of whether they are steps or not. My dad's argument is that he brought together a family, lived as a family and when he dies then he wants is to remain a family. The fact that both sides have other parents to potentially inherit from is irrelevant as they're not part of the family that he built and to do any different could break the family. I totally agree with him.

Shitonyoursofa · 28/12/2016 14:15

I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way, but your 50% left to your DC and your OH's 50% split between his DC seems fairest to me.

My stepdad died recently, he'd been married to my mum for nearly 30 years. He left an estate worth hundreds of thousands. Dsis and I inherited nothing, my stepsiblings a fortune (he and my mum kept their assets totally separate so he left her nothing as she has her own money, this was agreed between them years ago and both were happy with it), we were all totally fine with it and it never even occurred to me that I would get a penny until someone asked me about it. Dsis and I will inherit from mum, if there is any estate left (she's fine at the mo but usual caveats re care fees etc). So there are different ways it can work where no one feels hard done by.

Similar to eats, I brought pretty much all the capital into our marriage (which is all in my name only). No DCs. OH has very little capital and one DC from a prev marriage. My plan is to put it all in trust for OH to use in the event that I die first, with anything remaining going to my DNs. It's money that I mostly accumulated before I even knew DH, and obviously I want to make sure he is ok as my first priority, but after that I want my DNs to benefit as they would have had I not met him as was my intention when i was single. His DC will inherit anything he has and chooses to leave to them, and from their mum. As it would be if they were still together. I don't see that's unfair?

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2016 14:37

Sailor in an ideal world thus may be true, that all children are equally part of 'family' but the reality is they may not be and the OP gets to choose what she does with her own money.

Who is saying one child is worth more! Not me. But who inherits what, that is the question. And it looks like if the OP's dh has his way his older children will inherit more than his younger son because the older kids could inherit from mum too.

Prawn that is a really good decision you ha e made. Smile

Needsahalo the OP has said she presumes they will inherit their mum's house.

Patriciathestripper1 · 28/12/2016 14:39

I agree with green that would be fair.

Ciutadella · 28/12/2016 14:50

Presume not, where future inheritance is concerned.

George Eliot told us.

(Addressed to anyone who is presuming, assuming, or anything other ing, that the dsc will inherit from their dm!)

Astley · 28/12/2016 14:55

turquiose so your first Stepmothers children are now getting nothing?! I hope I've misread as otherwise that is horrendous.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 15:22

Personally i think there is a difference depending on if the SC live with you or not. I would be more inclined to split my 50% share if I lived with the s/c full time

Turquoisetamborine · 28/12/2016 15:24

Astley, no. My dad had me and my sister from his first marriage (sister died in infancy) then went on to have two boys from his second marriage. The estate with his third wife will be divided equally between me and the two boys from his second marriage.

I have two other brothers from my mother's second and third marriage and I will inherit from each of their dads too as both treated me as their own child, so I am not bothered about how dad works his will out.

He told me as I think I'm an executor.

sailorcherries · 28/12/2016 15:25

Italian, what the step children get from their mother is completely irrelevant. She is not part of the family that the op has created with her dh and the children.

FrostyWind · 28/12/2016 15:56

The OP hasn't "created a family". The family already exists. And the DCs will inherit from both parents. Not from someone who happened to get together with their DF. That would be silly.

OP's child should also inherit from both parents.

sailorcherries · 28/12/2016 16:02

They created their own family. I see myself, oh, my ds/his dss and my one on the way as a family. As does he.
If you cannot see them as part of your family then perhaps being with someone with children isn't for you.

Just like I know my DS has another family life with his father and, should he marry, a step mother. However, that does not affect how myself and OH view our family.

KeptOnRaining · 28/12/2016 16:13

OP - why are you happy for your DH not to give a fair share (1/3) of his 50% to your joint child? Why is he the one missing out, when the others will inherit from both their Mum & Dad - yours will only inherit from his Mum. Plus, how's he going to feel that his Dad didn't want to give any of his share to him? It's not only about the monetary value.

KeptOnRaining · 28/12/2016 16:28

cornflowerblue. That's really lovely. But I wonder what your Dad would say if there was a 5th joint child. You all have other sides of the family to inherit from, the OP's joint child does not.

WhooooAmI24601 · 28/12/2016 16:32

DH and I have wills which stipulate everything be split 50/50 between the DCs. DS1 isn't his child, but DH insisted upon a 50/50 split when we spoke about it before writing the will, saying DS1 was as much his DC as DS2, given he's lived with him almost all of his life. I don't think I'd have been comfortable with one DC being treated differently to the other.

KeptOnRaining · 28/12/2016 16:39

sailorcherries. I think you are only seeing this through the eyes of someone who has their young child living with them and their oh is taking on a parenting role of a young child & having a baby together, creating a nice family unit. You are building your assets together. However, that's not the case for everyone and there are lots of factors to take into consideration. Telling everyone that they have to treat their step children as their own, irrespective of anything else, or they shouldn't have got together is pretty short sighted and unpleasant.

sailorcherries · 28/12/2016 16:49

I just feel that if you cannot treat your DHs DCs as your own, why be with that person.

I had this view before I met current OH and done the same when I had an ex with a DD, as did my family. His family did not which is why I ended things with him, my son wasn't playing second fiddle.

I also don't feel like the SDC shouldn't inherit because they 'might' inherit from their mothers side. The ops son may inherit from her family too. The mights and what ifs are irrelevant, as is who gets what from other family members. This is purely about a woman, a man, their children, their family (regardless of who birthed which child).

If you cannot accept a child as your own then no I don't think you should be with someone with children, obviously not in the beginning but to the point of marriage. This is a child who never asked their parents to split up and to have separate lives; a child who possibly lost a child; a child who never asked you to be there but you are and cannot play favourites

KeptOnRaining · 28/12/2016 16:53

WhoooAmi24601. I love the fact that I 'get' your user name 😬. I don't watch many films or much TV so many of them go right past me!

Are there any other children involved?
Is your DS's father involved?

Did you bring roughly equal capital into the relationship?

Etc
Etc

If you had brought a lot of money into the family and him very little, would you feel the same about all the children inheriting equally if he had three grown children?

You don't need to answer these questions, but there are lots of things that I think need to be taken into account when looking at what is far & reasonable.

Pooky77 · 28/12/2016 17:12

Keptonraining I completely agree. Not all stepchild stepparent relationships are the same and not all step children are as a result of a broken relationship or the death of a parent. For me my own child will always be my priority as I imagine my Dsd is to her mother. She does not need me to be her mother and I would never attempt to assume that role. Equal treatment may well be correct for some families but not so much in others as all situations are not equal to one another.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 28/12/2016 17:18

I agree with Keeponraining - your DS will likely wonder why his dad left him nothing if his 50% is left to only your DSC.

cornflowerblu · 28/12/2016 17:27

keptonraining I have asked my father that question and his answer was exactly the same. As it happens none of us will inherit anything other than a load of aggravation from our other parents but regardless, my dad and step mum went into their marriage that they were creating a new and equal family and therefore their agreement before they married was that in order to do that, they would treat all children including any that might be born of that marriage identically. My father is an extraordinary man, he has treated all of us identically from day one and him and my step mum feel very strongly that external family issues with the other parent play no part in how they view their family and play no part in decisions they make. They've been married 35 years and stuck to that through thick and thin, I have no doubt that at times it has been beyond hard but it has paid off, we are all fiercely loyal to one another and we would be mortified if we were treated differently.

cornflowerblu · 28/12/2016 17:28

sailorcherries I agree with you 100%

Bumbleclat · 28/12/2016 17:29

Yes your half should go to your DD then he should split his hal into thirds which your DD will also get.
The dscs will surely have inheritance from their mother and mother's side which your DD won't get.

I think thats the best way.

Ciutadella · 28/12/2016 18:10

Why will the dscs surely have inheritance from their mother? Nothing in life is certain, but future inheritance is one of the less certain! If dm remarries, it becomes extremely uncertain i would have thought, but that is not the only reason why dscs may not inherit from their mother.

Op (where are you?) what you suggest may be the right thing for the family but it can't be on the basis that dscs will inherit from their dm. None of us has a clue as to whether, in x decades time, they will or won't!

Mumzypopz · 28/12/2016 18:26

I think your half should go to your child, but your child also has one third of your dh's half. His other two children also have a mother somewhere I'm guessing so would benefit there? His children should have no claim on your half, unless you want them to have.

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