To be so precious about my DD's naps?

[Silversun83]

I have a very active, non-stop seven-month-old. She is very interested in anything and everything (mainly the things she's not allowed ). I think partly due to this, she's not one of those babies who can just nap anywhere. She's also quite a light sleeper and after the last time of trying to get her to nap at a friend's house (I think she was just over three months old), I started putting her in her cot for most daytime sleeps and just sort of built my day around when she was sleeping. And when she's not going through a development leap and trying to climb, crawl, whatever, in her cot, she naps there pretty well. She does also sleep in the car but doesn't seem to sleep as well as in the cot; she still always seems tired!

Anyway, over the past four days, there have been events with DH's family on three of them. Due to DD's napping pattern however, we have only been at them for 1.5-2 hours.. And now it seems as though his parents hate me for us leaving early (twice for her bedtime and once for a nap). I have had so many cold shoulders and judgement from PILs and his grandparents, all for prioritising my DD's sleep?! She has just started crawling, is teething and has recently dropped her third nap so is extra-tired at the moment. Comments have included:

From grandmother: I always used to put my children to bed at 6.30pm too but if we were out, they would just stay up!

From grandfather: Ah, leave her be! She's happy! (Yes, she is a very happy baby and that is because SHE NAPS. I know she's getting tired, why would I want her to get so tired that she's UNhappy??)

From FIL: You're leaving already? Can't you put her to sleep upstairs? (Where, exactly? Your spare room which could be a good place for your grandchildren to sleep has been transformed into an office for your kidult other son who no longer lives there to work his 'home-based' job from).

And just general snipey remarks from MIL and overt-attention to BIL's children who fit in around what their parents are doing. Which is fair enough, but that's not the way I parent.

His parents by the way live very close-by and we always try and make the effort to see them once a week.

Yes, DD is my PFB and I have struggled a bit with parenthood. I admit I do get anxious about her sleep and worry about her getting overtired etc. But I'm just doing my best And she's thriving and such a happy baby 95% of the time so surely I'm doing something right? I admit I'm a bit pre-menstrual but his family's reactions have upset me!

I have a high needs non sleeping 11 mo and I'm a complete push over so haven't been precious about naps when we see relatives, and I always end up with a screaming nightmare. If I'd ever been able to get him to nap in a cot I could see myself doing exactly the same as you so can sympathise! I don't think YAB totally U although being a walkover I'd probably say try to relax a little bit for the odd special occasion if you can, as the world won't end if the routine is broken from time to time. Perhaps a good time to work on naps elsewhere (eg a travel cot, relative's bed etc)? Although I speak as someone whose baby on sleeps on me so am rubbish with sleep advice.

Yanbu. I have a nap resisting baby. He's 17 months old and has slept through about 4 times ever, and is up for the day between 4.30 and 5 most days. He has just JUST started napping in his cot but it's not reliable. There is no way on earth he would just go to sleep somewhere else in a cot or bedroom. He has never fallen asleep just on the floor/sofa/highchair etc.

If he hascrap naps, he has a crap nights sleep and is up super early. And therefore same for me. We were awake from 2.45 am Xmas eve. Thanks to a 20 minutes nap that day.

So no, I don't think yabu ybut those with good sleepers won't get it.

YANBU.

Don't mess with nap time: it's the only down time parents get!

Soon she won't nap at all

Mine used to sleep in car seats etc as I liked being out.
But I am strict on some form of routine so if that routine works for you sod the rest.

I have two children. My son was a misery when he missed a nap and still is at 3. He would not sleep anywhere but on our bed. I tried and tried eventually just accepting that he needed to nap at home. We made plans around that and yes people did get snippy. We still get friends with similar aged children that get a bit when we arrange our plans around him. I've given up caring he needs his nap end of.

My daughter is a lot more portable and will sleep in the car, buggy on walks and even in people's arms. So we can be a lot more flexible with her. Regardless of how her day goes she doesn't sleep at night

I can't get over people suggesting to just pop the baby upstairs and they'll sleep?! I never had children that can do that.

I think you are being a little unreasonable with being so determined that naps have to be at home and at exactly same time. However your baby, your rules. I would generally think its good not to be always bound by times for naps, bed times etc in both your and baby's interest. However, my ds used to sleep when tired v v easily, anywhere and could be moved when asleep without waking too so I was spoiled I think!!

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest. Your PIL can eff off - your dd is only little and sounds exactly the same as my PFB. She would turn into a nightmare baby if she didn't nap and would only nap properly in her cot at home.

People who have easy babies don't understand - my youngest is an easy baby and doesn't care if she's hungry or tired, she is still good company. My pfb is still the same now at 5, and even having a whale of a time at a party last week practically begged me to leave at 8:30pm to go to bed(?!?!). It's sounds to be part of her personality, and you sound like you know her very well, fuck everyone else with their rose tinted specs and full nights sleep ahead of them.

You are your daughters mother, not them, and it is in EVERYONES interests that she is well rested and happy. Next Christmas will be a different story, and the one after that different again, so do what you think is right this year and don't let them make you feel like this.

Good luck and happy new year to you. Enjoy your baby, don't question your decisions.

I have been where you are and didn't give a shit what anybody said stood my ground over nap time. My DS has never been a hungry baby or a needy baby but is s baby who needs routine and sleep (just like his mum). It took a long time for family to understand, but MIL started having him a day a week when I went back to work (and he was 11 months old) and rapidly realised that he is not the lovely calm and angelic baby she thinks he is unless he sticks to his naps. Mess with his sleep and he's a cranky, screams, whingey nightmare!

To me, you're the parent and sometimes it's not worth the price you end up paying just to stay out an extra hour or so. If people don't understand then fair enough but you get to decide what's best for your family. They must have just had those miraculous babies that sleep anytime, anywhere.

Yanbu at all.

I have to work around ds naps. He won't just sleep anywhere or in a travel cot and if he misses his nap it messes up his nighttime sleep.

My first was easy and would nap anywhere so it's not pfb, it depends on the baby.

YABU - my difficult sleeper was my second. We just got on with it, he had to be woken for playgroup pickups etc no choice.
Most older generation would expect children to just fit in, it is what they did. They are entitled to their opinion, you disagree and act differently, get on with it. You make the decisions - own them.

I think you're being pretty ridiculous but if you're happy with that don't worry about what anyone else thinks. You only have another 2-3 years of naps to get thrown go after all and if you are happy it doesn't matter.

The baby can't just fit in if they end up an overtired, screaming mess because you've kept them out and they've missed their nap.

Crikey surely even if you have a tricky sleeper then it's impossible to keep up a specific routine 365 days a year? I'd let it go at Christmas to be honest so YABU.

I think people saying that you should train her to sleep have no clue what it's like having one of those babies.

And I'm a bit about "she won't combust if she's out of routine for a week" type comments. Obviously not, but what it does mean is a looooong week of being very tired, everyone in the house is grumpy and for what exactly? To stay another 30 minutes where you've already spent 2 hours, just to please people who won't have to deal with your exhausted child? Fuck that. 2 hours is plenty for a family gathering

Also baffles at people saying OP IBU as they had no choice with their second - OP's child is her first so not a relevant point

Also whose children are still having long naps at nearly age 4?! My DD dropped them entirely not long before her 2nd birthday. I was relieved TBH!

Given you haven't tried her sleeping elsewhere in 4 months, maybe you should at least try it again. Why rule your life because of something that happened when she was 3 months old, unless you know it's still a problem for her.

I found a snooze shade helpful for DS2. He's the kind of child that needs to be burned out, then shut down in order to nap to get him out of hypertired hurricane mode. At 3, he still needs some naps- not daily. By the time he's sufficiently worn out to nap, he's falling asleep in the car or the bed, then has to be transferred to the buggy for DS1's school pick-up. Goodness knows how many hundreds of times I've driven around a certain area to switch him off to sleep. It's a particular route with very little stimulation for him- just plain fields!

Sometimes you have to do what you need to get by, but sometimes you have to adapt to the world around you too. Slaves to routines can be trying- I had a relative with a similarly aged baby and all our contact revolved around her baby's routines without consultation about if it would work with ours.

Talk about it. There may be some room for negotiations on times if they understand better what your baby's needs are.

YANBU at all. It sounds like you have a good understanding of your DD's needs and I think it's great that you stand up for her and make sure that those needs are met. It sounds like family are being a bit unreasonable by expecting a young baby to fit into their schedule like that,

I think yanbu to do as you like. You don't seem to be expecting anyone else you change their plans to fit in with you.

I had 2 under 2. I was obsessed with naps as once I had them both napping for 2 hours after lunch I went back to bed myself. It was the only way I coped! Morning nap for the youngest was when my eldest had my attention for an hour of pairing craft etc so naps were sacred here too!

YANBU. Babies need their sleep. People said this to me about DS. I always told them I was willing to do it their way, if they were happy to take him gut the rest of the day/night! Funnily enough no-one took me up on that!

I was also told that I should wake him for feeds. I only made that mistake once. He screamed the place down and wouldn't take a feed or go back to sleep. Just a 2 hour screaming session.

The HV told me I should try it again . I told her to tell me which night she was free to come over and give it a go.

YANBU. We had all of this with our DD' s who both napped/slept perfectly at home in their cots. I often curtailed visits and fun occasions but it was worth it for happy babies ( who now sleep 7pm-8am daily at 6 and 4 yrs old!!).

OP you know your own baby but I think being a slave to routine sounds really miserable with your first baby. I really enjoyed maternity leave with DD- we went on day trips, spent every day out and about from around 2 weeks old so always had naps in sling/pram/my arms. She was breastfed on demand and slept on a nice soft rug/on us in the evenings, then came to bed with us.

We made friends with a mum with a DC of the same age; she was obsessed with routine from an early stage. Her entire day every day revolved around teaching her DS to nap in a cot, he was fed at strict intervals and had a strict bedtime. I remember the drama that the clocks going back caused her. We quickly lost contact (because I wasn't happy to arrange my day around her DS).

I don't know if my DD was easy going because I was or if that was just her nature. However I do know that the things I thought meant she was easy (naps out and about, feeds as and when) meant some other mothers thought she was difficult (short naps, wouldn't nap in cot, no feed schedule so hard to leave, bottle refuser) so I suspect it's partly about perspective.

All babies are different. You do what works for you and your baby. If PIL are going to be snippy about nap times just don't visit them for a while.

As a mother and grandma I've had some DC that will sleep anywhere and stay asleep when transferred from buggy/car seat etc and others that are miserable unless they can sleep in their cot.

YANBU - if it works for you then do it. The only bit you are being unreasonable about is caring about the snippy comments. If anyone criticised me about something like that I'd let them know that their opinion wasn't welcome - I would be friendly and polite but very definite.

I didn't have babies that had a daytime nap routine so wasn't restricted by naps but I had lots of friends who did. Its it unusual.

I don't think it's PFB - im sure a lot of parents would like to do it with second and their babies if they could.

It's a good rule of parenting to have confidence in you own decisions.