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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so precious about my DD's naps?

107 replies

Silversun83 · 27/12/2016 18:50

I have a very active, non-stop seven-month-old. She is very interested in anything and everything (mainly the things she's not allowed Hmm). I think partly due to this, she's not one of those babies who can just nap anywhere. She's also quite a light sleeper and after the last time of trying to get her to nap at a friend's house (I think she was just over three months old), I started putting her in her cot for most daytime sleeps and just sort of built my day around when she was sleeping. And when she's not going through a development leap and trying to climb, crawl, whatever, in her cot, she naps there pretty well. She does also sleep in the car but doesn't seem to sleep as well as in the cot; she still always seems tired!

Anyway, over the past four days, there have been events with DH's family on three of them. Due to DD's napping pattern however, we have only been at them for 1.5-2 hours.. And now it seems as though his parents hate me for us leaving early (twice for her bedtime and once for a nap). I have had so many cold shoulders and judgement from PILs and his grandparents, all for prioritising my DD's sleep?! She has just started crawling, is teething and has recently dropped her third nap so is extra-tired at the moment. Comments have included:

From grandmother: I always used to put my children to bed at 6.30pm too but if we were out, they would just stay up!

From grandfather: Ah, leave her be! She's happy! (Yes, she is a very happy baby and that is because SHE NAPS. I know she's getting tired, why would I want her to get so tired that she's UNhappy??)

From FIL: You're leaving already? Can't you put her to sleep upstairs? (Where, exactly? Your spare room which could be a good place for your grandchildren to sleep has been transformed into an office for your kidult other son who no longer lives there to work his 'home-based' job from).

And just general snipey remarks from MIL and overt-attention to BIL's children who fit in around what their parents are doing. Which is fair enough, but that's not the way I parent.

His parents by the way live very close-by and we always try and make the effort to see them once a week.

Yes, DD is my PFB and I have struggled a bit with parenthood. I admit I do get anxious about her sleep and worry about her getting overtired etc. But I'm just doing my best Sad And she's thriving and such a happy baby 95% of the time so surely I'm doing something right? I admit I'm a bit pre-menstrual but his family's reactions have upset me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Silversun83 · 27/12/2016 19:19

I could try a travel cot in a bedroom but they only have really flimsy blinds and it's so light! Their family Christmas was also pretty loud too so it's doubtful she would have slept through it (it would have been more PFB to ask them to be quiet! Grin)

Thank you for your comments. Smile Yes, I know my DD and I know when she gets past the point of normal tiredness, she just gets so unbelievably hyperactive and then frustrated because she can't sleep and then it takes hours to settle her. As someone has said, it's one Christmas, she's not going to need naps forever.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/12/2016 19:21

I've had both kinds of DC, portable who'll nap anywhere and not grumpy when tired and then those for whom messing with their naps was just not worth it.

YANBU.

Blacksox · 27/12/2016 19:21

I think you're being quite PFB. It's only for a few days.

Famalam13 · 27/12/2016 19:22

YANBU I am also stunned by babies who sleep anywhere and at any time. I have a whirlwind of activity and energy and well timed naps in the cot are essential.

RandomMess · 27/12/2016 19:23

One thing I did do with my youngest was that she always napped in her travel cot at hoe (cot at night) which did make her much more portable - if only I'd clocked that idea with my eldest Wink

MumUndone · 27/12/2016 19:23

Christmas Day was the first time I've attended an event knowing it would break my DS's routine, since he was about 3 months old; he is now almost 3 years. He is not the kind to sleep anywhere, only in his cot - and he's only just reached the stage that he can cope for one day without a nap, though he fell asleep in the car on the way home at 6pm and had a massive tantrum when I had to wake him up. So I completely sympathise with the need to work around nap time. Your relatives would soon be eating their words if they had to deal with an overtired, grumpy baby.

5moreminutes · 27/12/2016 19:24

Some (I know, probably not all) grandparents massively misremember how they reared their own children, rewriting history in the light of what they like to believe happened - I have several younger siblings and a big age gap, so I remember how my youngest sibling was looked after as a newborn and young child very well indeed, yet the absolute fiction my mother spouts about how she parented when she wants the next generation to act according to her wishes and follow her fictionalised lead is genuinely jaw dropping Xmas Wink I do think she has merged later ideas about best practice into her own memories so effectively she genuinely believes the nonsense she spouts, at least in the moment it takes to say it...

ALongTimeComing · 27/12/2016 19:24

Nope fully agree with you. YANBU. Plus, baby nap = parent alone time if you only have one! That's a total bonus.

Trifleorbust · 27/12/2016 19:26

You know your baby better than they do. If you know she won't sleep at theirs, YANBU to take her home. If you haven't tried, YABU.

KeepSmiling83 · 27/12/2016 19:28

Nope YANBU. DD2 is almost 20 months and has an afternoon nap of about 2 hours. She only really naps in her cot so I build my day around it and am always home for naptime. If she doesn't have it she is extremely grumpy and is hard work until bedtime. I am a single parent and it is the only time I get any real one on one time with DD1 too. Sometimes I just like to have a rest too! So I am exactly the same as you. I am a bit more flexible with bedtime but naptime is sacred.

At the end of the day you are the parent and you are the one who has to deal with the consequences so it has nothing to do with anyone else!

jimijack · 27/12/2016 19:29

It's entirely your call however, when I look back at how precious and insistent I was that we were home, ds in his cot for 10.30am no matter where we were, then again at 3pm, and home for bath at 7, no exceptions, I feel very foolish.

I was a slave to it.

He did not sleep a full night through until he was 5 and at school. I was demented with utter utter bone drenching exhaustion that my survival was reliant on his naps.

Now he is 13, I cannot drag him from his bed!!
Just don't be too obsessive, try to not dismiss too many things because of nap routine, it's honestly not a huge deal. That's my advice.

typedwithcertainty · 27/12/2016 19:30

YANBU!!!! I Obsess over sleep a little too much probably and get a bit PFB but my DS is not the type to sleep anywhere and I think some people who have babies are like that just don't get it!

RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 19:31

It's not PFB either to those saying that.

Of course it is. When you have multiple kids you just can't structure the whole household around their naps. You can only be this inflexible with a PFB.

Harvey246 · 27/12/2016 19:32

YANBU. It's you who has to deal with the consequences. 2 hours is more than enough time to stay at a social event with a young baby anyway, it's not like you left after 20 minutes!

HomeIsWhereTheGinisNow · 27/12/2016 19:32

I'm sorry you're getting told off a bit here OP. My DS is a Gina baby and a happy little chap because he gets so much sleep. In principle as long as you're happy to limit your own days then I'd say your baby, your rules. Personally I couldn't stand to be in the house so much so I made a point of teaching DS to nap when out so we could be out and about. Can you maybe keep her out occasionally? In my experience any baby well versed in a routine snaps back into it easily after a day off and it might keep the peace?

Olympiathequeen · 27/12/2016 19:33

Being a bit out of her routine for a few days isn't going to harm her and may just reassure you that babies are very resilient.

She won't spontaneously combust if she get a bit overtired and will probably make up for it in the car on the way home.

I think you need to lighten up. No wonder the in laws were a bit put out.

Soubriquet · 27/12/2016 19:34

I must admit my life was revolved around my children's nap times and to some extent it still is.

My youngest is nearly 2 in March and be impossible if he's tired. He's not one of those who can nap anywhere either.

Sometimes we get lucky and he will have a decent kip in his buggy. In which case we will stay and have fun. If he won't give in and gets more and more grumpy, then we will make our excuses and go.

No one wants to be around a miserable baby

Champagneformyrealfriends · 27/12/2016 19:34

*It's not PFB either to those saying that.

Of course it is. When you have multiple kids you just can't structure the whole household around their naps. You can only be this inflexible with a PFB.*

Sil has 4 children and she prioritises naps at home because if she doesn't they're all horrible and it makes life difficult for everyone.

littledinaco · 27/12/2016 19:38

You say she won't need naps forever but some still nap past 3.

I would at least try with a travel cot or maybe try getting her to nap in pram then she can nap anywhere. I agree the importance of making sure they nap as I think it's cruel to keep babies up when they are tired but I do think it's a bit mad to have to keep coming home so she can sleep!

It may be worth persevering a bit with the pram then at least you've got the flexibility of staying out somewhere (someone can take her for a walk to get her to sleep). Also, once she gets a bit bigger, you may want to go on days out (zoo,etc) and you'll be stuck if she needs a nap and you've got to come home.

If you're happy with the situation though, that's all that matters.

purplefizz26 · 27/12/2016 19:40

Generally, no YANBU, nap times are crucial at a young age to keep them going during the day, and to allow you time to get stuff done. It's totally up to you how you plan your days.

I think YABU to essentially cut Christmas visits and events short just for naps and bedtime. As a one off it really doesn't matter that much. If someone came to visit me then left sharpish because their baby was due a nap, I would be a bit pissed off. Especially if the baby seemed happy and wasn't creating any fuss.

OreoHeaven · 27/12/2016 19:43

Have you considered having people round yours over the holidays then no one can moan that they haven't seen you but you can put DD down for a nap (assuming she can nap through the noise downstairs)?

^^
This

Shakey15000 · 27/12/2016 19:43

YANBU. As has been mentioned, you know your child and you know how she and you will fare best. If that includes scheduled naps else she'll be cranky and you'll be frazzled then you do what you know best. Plenty of time for "routines" to be tweaked or thrown out a bit to get her used to change. And if it's considered PFB then so what?

DS was an awful napper. Never in a cot, always in the pushchair come rain, hail or shine. And he dropped them really early. Then would be shattered come 6pm and that roughly, became his bedtime. THEN, because he slept early, he would rise ridiculously early. Like 4/5am Hmm And I tried everything. I just had to resign myself to his clock. He's 9 now and still an early riser.

DollyPlastic · 27/12/2016 19:43

YABU but you'll look back and laugh at yourself.

Verbena37 · 27/12/2016 19:51

Hi op.
Try not to think too deeply about it. They are obviously trying to be inclusiveness and want you all to stay longer yet are at that stage in their life where they don't see why you'd want to parent any differently to how they did it.....or how BIL does it etc.

If you're DD won't sleep anywhere else, then chill. Take her home.
Surely it's nice that you are able to visit for a couple of hours than not at all?

From the way you've written your OP, I'd say you're quite a shy and quiet person who doesn't tend to be confrontational but perhaps you could try and be more assertive with your in laws? Rather than be apologetic, get in first before they do and say something like:
"I know it's annoying but she won't sleep well anywhere other than her cot at the moment but if she improves we will stay on longer another time".

That way, it looks like you might be willing in the future to perhaps change the routine but also lets them know you're the one who is the parent.

From the word go with our DD and DS, we always said we would never be parents who had a rigid routine.....and we weren't.
We took them out late to restaurants on holiday, like the French do, took them to later parties and let them kip in their travel cot or on airbedds as they got older but guess what?

They're absolutely terrible sleepers and they are now 14 and 11.
DD 14 is a night owl and doesn't sleep before midnight hardly ever.

Choose your own parenting style and feel positive about it. Believe in your own choices and change them only if you want to.

chloechloe · 27/12/2016 19:55

You are being a bit PFB (I was too Smile) but YANBU.

Grandparents and family often think a baby is there for their own amusement but they're not the ones who have to deal with the fall out of an overtired and overstimulated baby. It's not as if you've been avoiding events entirely - you've clearly been making the effort to attend things whilst putting your baby's needs first.

I used to have similar issues with my PiL who thought I was insane for having DD1 in bed for 7pm every night whereas they wanted us to take her out to restaurants for dinner with the family. Fact was with our routine she then generally fell asleep on her own in her cot within 10min. Now and again, especially on holiday we've taken her out and put her to sleep in the pram. Sometimes it worked well and we'd manage to have dinner then put her in bed afterwards without any issue. Other times it went completely balls up! At the end of the day the parents should decide!