To think that 20 year old stepson can drive up to visit us instead of husband still collecting him

[Imdonewithchristmas]

I am a step mum to 2 lovely, (now adult )children (a man now 20 years old and a woman aged 22).

Husband and I are also parents to a 9 and 12 year old and have been together since his children were young. We live about 2/2.5 hour drive away from them (more depending on traffic) and since his divorce he has always travelled a round trip on every other weekend to collect them and return them (so approx 8 -10 hours round trip in a weekend).

For about the last 3 years, we discovered a train station which is approx half way between us. HB would buy tickets and then drive an hour each way to collect from station so this has reduced the overall journey time by some 4 -5 hours.

Stepson passed his driving test in August and has own car now. I only found out this out last week just as current visit was being planned. My first reaction was just to ask husband why he couldn't drive up on this occasion as he is now 20, has own car and it would be good for his independence. (still lives at home with a part time job and no plans for a career). Also we were coming back from seeing my family (3 hour drive) and he had planned to collect his kids that afternoon (so a 5 hour journey). Then, they have decided to return on separate days as stepson has a part time job he does so that’s another 4 hours of trips.

My husband went literally berserk. I thought what I had asked was a reasonable question but he just said “no – just shut up” I don’t want your carping on. I hadn’t carped at all – literally just asked the question.

I said I was just trying to understand why it was such an issue and he said that he couldn’t expect his son to drive all that way and his car is probably not the best.

I tried to bring it up again today as we sat stuck in traffic on the way back feeling stressed at the timings basically saying did he have any plans for the future to ask son to drive up. Honestly his response was so harsh I had to just force back the tears so our children in the back didn’t know.

I am shocked at his reaction to even discuss the matter. Was I being unreasonable to ask for his reasoning? He was so sensitive about it. Can someone help me get a perspective if I am in the wrong here as I don’t get it at all.

You sound very high maintenance. You'd probably be a match made in heaven for OP's OH.

I don't see it as a sensitive subject at all. Luckily I know my OH would never bite my head off or make me feel bullied for asking a simple question about whether there is a more efficient way of doing something.

Please don't make this personal, Iam. There is nothing high maintenance about looking at something from another angle. Do you even know what the phrase means?

I've said nothing any different to dozens of posters here. Maybe you ought to learn to read between the lines a bit.

I don't have to agree with the OP. She asked if she was being reasonable. No, I think she's not.

@Iamnottheonewhoknocks - This is spot on - this is the nub of the issue

Whatever the reasoning behind it, the fact that he bit your head off and made you feel bullied, rather than simply explaining that reasoning, is a dick move. And it's indicative of somebody who doesn't know how to communicate their feelings with their wife of 15 years. That would concern me."

This is the thing that upsets me the most- this is what I don't get. His volatility. I think perhaps its been building up not just about this but all sorts from work, home, other pressures and the pressure cooker has exploded. (on me!)

@Polly - I've had a "perspective "for 15 years thanks! I was not "complaining" I was asking a reasonable question. The reasoning for my questions were twofold 1) concern over this Christmas period where HB has x 3 journeys to make not just a 2 hour there and back x 2 but a 3 x there and back on top of extra Christmas travelling. I mentioned previously (altho apologies if not clear ) that they were going back home on separate days as SS has a part time job so instead of taking them both together he has to do the journey twice. I agree its not a terrible deal every 4 - 6 weeks and understand that the in the car time is valuable chat time and hadn't thought of that. If he had said that however I would have understood. 2) I felt it would be a good suggestion he drive as recently the topic (raised by HB and SD not me) about his motivation and laziness could be helped by him taking a bit of responsibility for a change. I don't think its unreasonable to suggest that.

However when I asked the question (I didn't "choose" an unreasonable time as I had no idea it was such an issue - he just said no previously) I was not just snapped at but berated for even bringing it up. It was quite a vicious response not just a usual bicker between couples. I found it quite shocking and wondered why but he wouldn't explain. He reacted like this from the get go aswell - i.e. I asked the question and he went off. I remained calm and even ended up saying sorry if I've upset you but I wanted to understand your reasons.

I think this behaviour was unreasonable. He hasn't apologised. I am beginning to realise from all of this that its his volatility in general thats the issue not just this particular point. If I look back now - he has blown up about other stuff this year and it all seems out of character. But I have let it go and put it down to something else as we are always too busy to analyse it and just have to move on. However - this latest one was just so disrespectful I am not sure I can tolerate it anymore. And as its Christmas break away from busy work- maybe I have reflected more than I usually would.
I don't think I am being intense here - I think I want this to stop/change before it escalates further.

OP There are 2 sides at least to every situation.
Playing Devil's advocate here - just so you know!- it could be argued that you are being controlling. Your DH is a grown man. Why should you take responsibility for his wellbeing and managing his time /movements? (Understand this is me playing Devil's advocate here please!)

Unless he is coming to you complaining about the driving, and asking for advice, is it not his choice how to spend time with his family?

I agree that he ought not to have shouted. But no one except you knows what goes on in your relationship. Maybe you are trying to control him in other ways, maybe he resents you micro managing him? We don't know. Maybe he does feel stressed but is refusing to let the one thing he can easily do for his son and daughter go. It clearly means a lot to him. As others have said, maybe it's a really good time for them to be 1:1 and chat, away from you and the other kids.

The sad thing in all of this is that you've needed to ask anon strangers who don't know anything about you or him except this snapshot of your lives. You might want to think about couples' counselling as a means to talk to each other in a safe and neutral setting, before this marriage ends as well as his first. talk to each OTHER not to strangers on the web.

ps You need to stop seeing it all from only your perspective. What sounds 'reasonable' to you may not be to others. What seems practical and logical is not the only factor. It sounds as if there are cracks in your relationship around non-communication partly due to you both being so busy. Being shocked at being shouted at does sound a bit precious and possibly as if strong feelings or emotions are rarely aired in your marriage. It can be very healthy to have a good old shout at someone to clear the air, as long as it's not verbal abuse, and couples make up afterwards. (There's a lot of evidence on how healthier it is to be more open and emotional rather than buttoned up.) Can you start prioritising your marriage so you both sit down and say what you're feeling and air your grievances?

Bobo - your step children are in their 20s and they still have an access rota? Terrifying!

It's weird watching your kids become adult - very bitter sweet.

So true, Floisme, So true.

Having gone through the possible reasons he may want to continue driving his children, what other things has he blown up about? In what circumstances?

There is no point in confronting him, then, but certainly address the issue when you're both calm.
Or adopt an assertive stance and tell him immediately that you'll not be spoken to like that.

It's my guess he is going through an emotional crisis as he sees his kids grow and is losing control over how he gets to see them. Until recently it was all organised so he felt secure but now it's up to them, with their own cars etc and he may be scared he will lose them. If you live in the family home the dc generally drift back there if only to get decent food or do a wash. But they don't need that from him so where is his relationship with them going?

I know one divorced dad who saw his dc every Sunday for their teenage years and now, with his dc in their late 20s he still goes out for lunch with them every Sunday. They are not always all free, maybe just one but they have kept it up. He sees them off and on on other occasions too.

Your Dh wamts his Ds to see that he is making the effort .